Chapter 1
I watch.
I envy.
For the last three months I've spent every Saturday night planted to this chair, sitting and watching.
He walks in with her on his arm, a twinkle in his eye and sex oozing off him. His bronze hair is tousled
and his chin is graced with a tiny patch of hair. He looks at her and I can see the utter devotion and
astounding adoration that he bestows on her.
It devastates me to watch but I cannot look away. I'm tortured in this curse that he has placed me
under. I knew what I had to offer would never be enough for him but I had to try when I had the
chance. I took what he gave me and relished every second of every minute. It was like nothing I'd ever
experienced before and I know that I never will again. My ache for him will never dull, the memories will
remain vivid. You see I'm completely in love with Edward Cullen.
And he's completely in love and married to Bella
I don't hate her. I'm simply jealous of her. I knew the moment he saw her, that I'd lost him forever.
Funny thing is that I encouraged him to seek her out. All along knowing that it would destroy my heart.
**3 years earlier**
I had watched him for weeks, as we had English Lit together our sophomore year at UW. I finally approached him at a party on a random Saturday night. We talked about the normal stuff, where we were from, what our majors are, common interests. We were both guitar players and made plans to get together the next afternoon. He was all I'd thought about for weeks, and now, knowing that it was just mere hours til I'd be alone with him, I was riddled with anxiety.
We met at the sound studio set up in the music hall. Once we started playing, the chemistry just floated through the air and hung like a noose around my neck. His fingers mesmerized me, his scent intoxicated me and I couldn't help but stare at the beauty of his face. When he would close his eyes to sing a phrase, I'd imagine what it would feel like to taste those lips, how smooth his tongue would lave against mine. I was terrified of what he would do if I made a move. But I knew if I didn't at least try, I'd never get over the regret of losing him without ever knowing.
We played music for over 3 hours. Both of our hands were numb and we laughed and joked about it. As we were packing up to leave, he asked if I had plans for the evening, I told him I didn't but was hoping we could get together. He chuckled and looked up at me from under those dark lashes with a wicked grin on his face. He captured me, held me in his stare, I was frozen as he approached me.
He stood an inch from me, I was panting so hard, I was sure he could hear my heart beating it's way out of my chest. He cocked his head to the side, smirked at me and said "Stop me now if this isn't your thing. But I'm dying to taste those lips, is that what you want as well?"
I couldn't speak. I was reeling inside. If he had any idea how badly I'd wanted him, how I dreamt of him and thought of him every day for a month now, would he still want this? I nodded and felt his hands wrap around my hips pulling me to him so that our bodies were flush with one another. I could feel him, hard as steel. He brushed his lips against mine before sweeping his tongue out to taste my bottom lip. I'd been stuck with my arms to my side, until I felt his breath in my mouth, then I reached out and placed one hand behind his neck and the other around his bicep, holding him to me while I crashed my lips down on his luscious mouth.
His taste was divine. His tongue like the sweet plum I couldn't get enough of. I had to take a breath and it killed me to break away. He held me tight to him, running his lips down my jaw, up to my ear and then down the crook of my neck. I felt like my body was on fire.
"Edward, Edward, oh my god, please, don't stop," I gushed out. Pushing him back against the closest wall I could find. Our hands were everywhere, our lips continuing to explore wherever we could reach.
I wanted him, desperately, but not this way, not here. I wanted to savor every moment of the first time I had him. But I knew I had to have some piece of him and it had to be now. He was moaning and humming, I knew he was just as defenseless as I was at that moment.
"Oh my God, what are you doing to me? I've always wondered how good it could be with you. I've watched you and wondered what it would be like," he told me while I fell to my knees. I started tugging at his button-fly, popping them quickly. Holding my breath in anticipation as to what perfection was within the confines of the denim fortress. "Holy fuck, Edward, you're perfect, absolutely perfect," I managed to say as the most beautiful cock I'd ever seen sprung free from his jeans.
He was thick, long and perfectly pink with the most gorgeous helmet on the tip I'd ever seen. I couldn't stop the saliva pouring into my mouth, awaiting the chance to suck it into my mouth.
I glanced up at him, his head was thrown back, eyes closed. A look of pure lust on his face with his jaw slack, tongue lapping at his bottom lip. I reached a hand up and pulled his stiff cock down to stare directly into that little slit oozing a drop of precious pre-cum. His hands found my shoulders, sliding up and down the sides of my neck just below my hairline. My tongue couldn't resist and slowly reached out to swipe that bead of juice off the tip. Holy Fuck it tasted better than anything I'd ever put in my mouth before. He moaned causing me to almost cum right there. I scooted my knees closer to him, licked my lips, my eyes never leaving his face.
My tongue wrapped around the helmet, slowly licking up under the head, running my tongue up and through his slit. His hips thrust forward and I couldn't stop myself, I drew him all the way in my mouth, hard, heat and sweet, his cock filled my mouth. He kept moaning and panted out. "So good, so hot, so wet, please don't stop." I moaned around him, wrapping my tongue around his shaft, I sucked and sucked, pulling him in and out of my mouth. His cock was everything I'd dreamed and more. He filled my mouth over and over again as his hands went to my hair. I allowed him to set the pace, fucking my mouth steady and thorough. He'd pull half way out, ram back in, pull all the way out, shove it back all the way back in to hit the back of my throat. I didn't want it to end. For that moment, he was mine and I would worship his cock anyway he'd let me from this day forward. I grasped the back of his thighs, eventually kneading his luscious ass, I couldn't get him close enough, deep enough in my mouth. I wanted this intensity to last. I wanted him to realize how much I wanted him, needed him, all of him. I could feel him tense up and I knew that he was close. I pulled one hand across his ass and placed a finger at his hole, pushing slightly. He growled and stilled my head as I felt the hot stream of his cum hit my throat. I relaxed and opened it totally, not wanting to miss a drop of his sweet semen. I licked him clean as he rode out his high, watching his glorious face relax and his hooded eyes narrowly open to meet my stare. There was a hint of gleam in his forest green eyes and my body stirred with my own desire flowing through me and a wetness coating inside my own jeans.
"Come here," he commanded, pulling me up off my knees. He enveloped me in his arms, his grip tight and forceful as his mouth crushed down on mine. "Holy fuck that was amazing," he whispered between pecks of kisses to my neck and ears. "I can't wait to see what you've got for me but I think we'll save that for later." He told me quietly. Kissing me a few more times, before slowly releasing his grip on me, he brushed my hair out of my eyes, smiled and said "Let's go get cleaned up and see where the night takes us, ok?" I nodded before reaching to kiss him one more time.
I was afraid once we walked out that door, this would all be like a dream and I'd never get to finish it. As we picked up our guitars and headed to the door, I grabbed his hand, turning him to me. "Please tell me you won't stand me up. I've waited for you for so long and now that I've had a piece of you, I'm not sure I could stand it if I can't have all of you." I sounded desperate and pathetic, but I didn't care. This man had taken over my life from the first moment I saw him and I would go to the ends of the earth to have him, all of him, in whatever way he'd allow me to.
"Babe, don't worry, I'm just getting started with you," he chuckled, running his hand down the front of my jeans causing me to hiss out in anticipation. I knew he could feel the moisture that had accumulated there because he dipped one of those strong, lean fingers just down the front of my waistband, gathered up the wetness and put his finger to his lips. "Holy Fuck, babe, you taste delicious." He looked down at me, closing his eyes and moaning around his finger that kept lolling in and out of his mouth.
**Present time**
This was just the beginning of my journey to both heaven and hell! And even knowing all of the pain
that it had caused me, it was still one of my most cherished memories, the irony of that fact was not lost
on me at all.
I sit here on my perch watching them, touching, laughing and eye-fucking each other. I can't help but
feel the pain of envy coursing through my veins. She has no idea what I'd give to be the one receiving
those bits of affection from him.
My need for him fills me with the heaviest crush of lust and wanton need. I see him in all his naked glory
every night in my dreams. Every time I touch myself I can't help but remember how his hands felt on my
body. Every whisper of need pushed between us.
He always made sure that I knew he wasn't mine to keep. This was just a phase for him, to experiment
and learn about himself sexually. He came to me a virgin in almost every way. He'd never penetrated
another, he'd never had anyone touch him except with their hand or mouth. It's something that drove
my want and need for him.
He leads her to the dance floor, they never lose eye contact as his body pulls hers into him, tightly.
There isn't an inch of space between them and I hunger for the heat that I know his body is putting out.
Her hands drape around his neck, holding him to her just as securely.
They are the epitome of love.
Their story is something of a fairy tale and I'm so fucking envious of something that was never meant for
me to have.
**3 years ago, prior to guitar studio**
When I walked into the party that night, I had no idea he'd be there. I had hoped but I held no
expectations of seeing him. He wasn't known to be one of the party boys. It was certainly easy to see why everyone liked him, he was kind and funny, intelligent and comical. Everyone was drawn to him and he had no want for a social circle. So when I saw him enter the room, I felt my whole body tense and fire surge through me. I immediately became aroused being in this setting with him.
My friend, Tyler, introduced us and started talking to him about some baseball game that had been on TV earlier. I listened with fascination to them replay the stats, players and play by play action. His eyes lit up when he was asked about his music. I was even more intrigued by him once I found out we both played various instruments. I was more intrigued by him once I found out all the instruments we both played. I'd heard him playing piano a few weeks ago and was completely mesmerized by the melody he was playing. Only to learn during our conversation it was a piece he'd written for his mother.
As the evening drew on, we were almost like magnets, walking through the party, taking various shots of alcohol. All the while never lacking for conversation. We closed the party down and I was beyond thrilled when he accepted my offer to get together and play some guitar the next day.
I had felt the electric hum of chemistry between us all night. Several times I was certain that I saw a glint of something in his eyes as we talked. There were a few times when our arms would brush or our fingers touch and I couldn't stop hoping that they were intentional on his part. Mine were always intentional. I was feeling him out and I prayed that I wasn't imagining this "thing" happening between us. As the night closed down I wasn't sure how I was going to make it 'til the next afternoon. I knew I wouldn't sleep a wink.
**Present day**
As I watched them bump and grind, I downed another drink, wanting to get as drunk and numb as
possible but knowing that wasn't my best course of action if I wanted to carry out my plan. I had to talk
to him. I had to remain level-headed as I sought him out while still trying to remain inconspicuous in the
throngs of bodies shoved into the club. I don't think he would like the idea that I had been watching him
for weeks, I really had no idea what his reaction would be if he found out. And if I'm being honest with
myself I recognized that this obsessive behavior certainly was walking the line of insanity. That much I
could admit but knowing myself, my feelings and how I truly never sought out to find him, I wasn't worried about my sanity. But he still might not understand. When I'd first seen them in here, I thought it was a fluke thing, so I returned here the next weekend with a group friends only to find them here again. That's when I made the decision to return again and again to just watch him.
We all lived in the same general vicinity of town, still had mutual acquaintances, so it was not so unusual
to run into one another, although, I generally tended to avoid it, if I could.
We'd ended things easily enough, well…for him at least. I had no intentions of destroying the amicability
that we'd maintained. We'd only ran into each other publicly a few times over the years and it had
always been a friendly and cordial meeting every time. Of course, he didn't know about all the times I'd
seen him with her and never approached them or made myself known. It was hurtful to continue to do
these things but I couldn't stop myself. His hold on me was just too tight and I don't know that I could
ever find a way out of it. But I had to try.
I watched him lead her to the bar where they'd been sitting all night. His strong hands helped her onto
her seat, he kissed her passionately and then turned and left her. I knew from experience that he was
making his way to the back of the club where the bathrooms were. I knew this was my opportunity, I
had to strike now or I knew I never would.
Downing the remainder of my drink, I pushed away from the table, stood and started towards the stairs.
She briefly glanced around the room and I held back behind some other club goers so as to not be
discovered. I had no idea how much he'd told her and as crazy as this sounds…I didn't want to upset her,
if possible, with my presence here tonight. I felt terrible knowing that she was going to be caught in the
middle of this but I couldn't stay away from him any longer.
I made my way through the crowd only to see him standing in line. This was it. This was my chance, the
only one I had, so I had to make it happen just right.
**3 years ago, after guitar studio**
We parted ways outside the studio with the promise to meet back up in an hour and a half at his
apartment. He lived just off campus in his own place. I was grateful that we'd have no prying eyes, no outside distractions when we reunited. I couldn't stop floating on the cloud I was on with the memories of his delicious cock in my mouth. It was more than I'd ever imagined it could be. He was truly the man I'd dreamed him to be. And so much more. His fingers, his voice, his tongue. They all entranced me, laying a blanket of selfish need inside me like a heavy winter's snow.
I rushed to the dorm, showered and changed. I paced my room, waiting for the acceptable time to come for me so that I could head across campus to his door. Back into his arms, back to his delectable body.
He's completely taken over all my senses and I wanted more. So much more. Part of me knew that it was too good to last but I didn't care. He was mine for the moment, and I would selfishly take this moment that I had because I knew someone as amazing as him would never settle for the life I had to offer. He was meant for greatness and I would never be able to offer him all that he deserved.
I grabbed my backpack and a jacket, locking the door behind me and headed out.
The early evening air was light and musty. I could sense the rain settling into the clouds. A night with him, alone, rain pounding on the roof, wrapped in each other's arms. I almost had to stop and take a breath to calm the anxiety flowing through my body. I've never felt anything this intense in my whole life. Sure, I'd felt love before but I'd never experienced anything on this level. I was not afraid of the emotions though. I knew what I wanted, I knew who I wanted and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to enjoy the roller coaster ride that I was currently on.
As I saw the apartment building come into view, my heart started racing, my palms became moist and I had to fight the inner urge to run the rest of the way to his door. I need to relax and take it one step at a time. I could sense that this was new to him and I had to know that he was ready for all that I had to offer him. It wasn't my first time around this block but that was always just to satisfy an itch, he was going to satisfy a deep-seated need. I didn't want to overwhelm him, so I had to keep myself in check at all times.
I reached his door, running a hand through my hair before tapping lightly on the door. He quickly threw open the door with a huge grin. "Hey, you made it," he gushed with excitement.
"Um, yeah, I'm not too early am I?" I looked down to avoid staring at him.
He was the epitome of maleness. Low slung jeans, tight charcoal grey Henley and bare feet. He had a silver chain hanging around his neck and a dark brown leather band around his left wrist. I was so turned on, I was afraid to speak. Afraid that I'd make a fool out of myself immediately. But he just grinned and said, "Come on in. I won't bite, well… not yet anyway." I stood up tall, looked up into his eyes and walked in the door. His sexy smirk almost doing me in, good thing the humor in his eyes at his comment kept me from pouncing on him right there at the door.
He shut and locked the door, turning me to him against the door. Before I could even blink his lips crashed against mine. "Mmmmm, your lips are so delicious baby, I've thought of them non-stop since I left you," he said while looking me in the eyes. We stared silently at one another for what felt like ages before he finally spoke. "Would you like a beer or water or something?" He ran a nervous hand through his hair as he continued. " I don't really have anything in particular planned, I figured we'd just get to know each other and see where this leads, okay?"
My voice had chosen that moment to leave me, so I nodded. I took in a deep breath and prayed that I could make all of my senses work this time. "Sure, Edward, a beer sounds great." Now that I was finally was able to speak, I decided to make small talk. Anything to keep his sexy voice floating between us. "This is a great place, have you lived here long?"
"Um, yeah, I moved in at the beginning of freshman year. I'm an only child and didn't relish the idea of living with a stranger in the dorms, so my parents got me this place. It allows me the freedom of playing my piano whenever I want, which is a big plus for me." He was so beautiful when he spoke of his music.
As I looked around he went to get us each a beer. "How long have you been playing piano?" I asked. "Oh since I was about three or four, I think. My mom, Esme, she was a concert pianist with the Philharmonic for a while before I was born. She often says I came out of the womb playing a tune," he chuckled.
"How about you? When did you start playing?" he questioned.
"Well, I picked up the guitar when I was about six or seven, we couldn't afford lessons, so I'd play my dad's old vinyls over and over again until I had the chords just right. I've been in love with it ever since. I've dabbled in percussions and some piano but mostly it's just the guitar for me." I dropped to the couch, begging him with my eyes to take the place beside me. I needed to be close to him without pushing him too far.
He handed me a beer and sat on the couch facing each other. He stared at me and I tried to figure out what was going through his mind. "I have to tell you, it's so liberating to have you here. I've been kinda' drawn to you since I saw you in class a few weeks ago. I don't know what it is but there's something between us. So, when I saw you the other night I though what the hell, let's see what happens." His admission rushed out at me.
"Really?" I asked. "I'm shocked, to be honest. I wasn't sure you even knew who I was before we met at the party. Of course, I'd noticed you too, but didn't think you'd be interested." I quickly looked away from his piercing gaze.
"Hey, come on, don't be shy on me now. This is all so new to me." He placed his empty hand on my knee. "I've never allowed myself to get that intimate with someone, especially someone I've just met. Sure, sex has interested me and being a sexual person is just natural, at our age.
.
"I've just never felt like I've been involved with anyone worth giving a piece of myself to. So please understand that I'm not taking any of this lightly," he stated to me with a sincere look on his face.
I released a long breath, not realizing that I'd been holding mine. "I must say Edward, I am very shocked that I'm here with you now. I'm not exactly new to this but I'm not by any means experienced." I ducked my head and paid close attention to the beer in my hand, I was too unsure of myself to meet his eyes as I spoke the next sentence. "I've put myself out there before, but once I saw you, I knew that I had to have you."
"Well, I think I need to tell you, this isn't something that I want on a permanent basis." He waved
his hand back and forth between the two of us. "I'm not looking for a long-term arrangement or
relationship. But I don't want to hurt you either" His large, warm hand dropped back to my knee again and he squeezed as he said. "I just feel a connection to you and I want to see where it leads. Okay? "I nodded mutely at his revelation, I wanted to be hurt by it but I couldn't be. I was stupid enough to take what I could get from him and not complain at all.
I knew then that I'd never have him for my own, permanently.
I knew that I'd give my all to him and I'd only get a piece of him in return.
But, I'd take it. I'd take all that he would offer me and gladly give him all that he wanted to take from me and in the end, I'd have to watch him walk away. If it were for one night or one year, I'd do it, just so I could relish in the feel of him being mine for a brief moment in time.
"I'm okay with that, Edward. Truly, let's just enjoy what's in front of us." I let my eyes bore into his green orbs while knowing that the words were just to pacify him.
I leaned over, wrapping one hand around his neck pulling him to me as our lips touched and the electric charge flew through me again. I felt alive. I felt the wires in my soul connecting and making me come alive inside.
We kissed, hard, soft, deep, slow over and over again. Our hands took on a plan of their own, exploring skin just under the clothes we were wearing until finally he said "Come on, baby, let's go to bed."
I pulled him to me and we kissed all the way down the hall. I reluctantly broke the kiss momentarily to yank his shirt over his head. Pulling back to take in the sight of him shirtless before me, he truly was a work of art. He was lean and sculpted. His body was perfection to me.
He pulled back a little further, quickly ridding me of my clothes, all of them. His hands explored every inch of my skin as I continued undressing him, as well. Once we were both completely naked, the frenzy of lust took over the room.
"You'll have to teach me, show me, instruct me," he said in a haze of lust.
"I know baby, I'll go slow. I won't hurt you, just let me show how good you can feel" I said while his mouth explored my neck.
It was a night of passion, ecstasy and pure unadulterated lust.
We got lost in the heat of the moment and we fucked. I showed him how to carefully take it harder when the need became to much. Enjoying the pounding of my flesh against his while satisfying my need to claim him.
We slowed down to savor and we made love. I allowed him to take it slower and move without a driving force as he explored the new sensation with his first time at penetration. My body was is playground and I allowed him total access.
We explored with mouths, tongues and hands. We fell asleep exhausted just before dawn, wrapped up in each other's arms
It was one of the most exciting and fulfilling night of my life.
**Present day**
"Edward? How are you?" I asked as he finally noticed me approaching.
"Hey! How the fuck are you?" He grinned and pulled me into a half-hug type of thing. It was a little
awkward but we were in a crowd of sweaty, drunk people.
"I'm good. It's so great to see you out? Is Bella with you?" I gently questioned.
"Oh yeah, she's here. We're good. Really, really good. My music's taking off and some exciting things are
heading our way, I think." He said grinning widely with friendly eyes.
"Well, I've got a table up top, all to myself. Come and join me. We can talk, yeah?" I asked, hoping I
didn't sound too desperate or giving myself away.
"Um, sure, let me finish in here, grab Bella and we'll be right up."
"Sounds good. I can't wait." I smiled and turned to walk back up the stairs.
I got to my chair, knowing that if this failed, I couldn't come to this spot again. I'd have lost the most
opportune place I had to watch him, unabashed from afar. But, I had no choice. I had to do this. I had to
see if there was any chance, just one more time. I was a junkie and he was my fix. I had to try and score,
one more time.
I watched as he made his way back to her at the bar. She greeted him with a kiss, pulling him in between
her legs, wrapping her ankles around the back of his thighs. Their kiss grew heated and I became
aroused by the sight of it.
I wanted to know, one more time, what it felt like to have those lips touch mine, the slick heat from his tongue tangling with mine in my mouth. I hoped that this worked, if it didn't it might just end me.
He pulled back from their kiss, whispering in her ear as she started to look around the balcony. She
spotted me and grinned, wickedly.
She knew.
She knew and it turned her on.
Maybe, just maybe there was a chance, an opening, an opportunity to be had.
She gave a small wave, as they turned to pick up their drinks. They headed through the people towards
the stairs. My stomach was a bundle of anxiety. I had no idea if this was going to blow up in my face or
not, but I held onto the small thread of hope, knowing it was all I had.
As they started approaching my table, I took a drink and made to stand so I could greet them properly.
"Hi beautiful Bella, how are you tonight?"
"I'm good, Jasper, and how are you?"
Chapter 2
Those first few days were blissful. During the day we went to our classes, work or study groups but at night, we were all tangled arms & legs, passion and lust, fueled by the intensity of our connection. I fell deeper and harder for him than words can describe. Everything about this man made me push the boundaries of my sanity. I knew the ending would be my demise.
But I was too far gone to quit now.
Each night, I returned to his bed, to his lips, to his cock. I couldn't get enough. The shower, the kitchen table, the wall. Anywhere and everywhere in his apartment, there was nothing sacred between us.
When we would finally collapse from exhaustion, I would wait until I heard him sleeping, then I'd lay in his arms, studying his every feature.
My fingertips would roam him body, every single inch of him was familiar to me. From the crinkle of his forehead to the fold of his ass on his upper thigh. I knew every mole, every dimple, every blemish on his skin. Those treasures would be forever burned into my mind. Always giving me something to hold onto when the fairytale ended.
I didn't take one iota of this "thing" between us for granted.
As we approached the second week, Edward told me about an upcoming party that he wanted to attend. His cousin, Rosalie, was coming in to town to see an old friend and wanted to go out while she was here. He was anxious about seeing her and I was afraid of losing time with him. I was a greedy fucker. I wanted him all to myself as it had been. But, I saw how happy he was about seeing her and knew this meant a great deal to him, so I agreed.
At least he was asking me to come along, instead of leaving me out of the mix.
I put it out of my mind, enjoying our second weekend cooped up in his apartment, relishing the nakedness of our bodies. The glistening sweat rolling down his back, the scent of heady sex fresh in the air, all of this tore through me in ways that made my insides twist and turn. I had no idea what lay ahead but I was certain it was not going to end well for me. I could just feel it in the desperate pull each time he took me or allowed me take him.
Like standing on the edge of the ocean, waiting for the sun to crack the dawn, I knew I would drown.
I didn't want to anticipate the future. I only wanted to remain in the moment I was in but he kept pulling me back to the surface, forcing me to face the renewal of day.
Over and over again, I laid my body before him. I allowed him whatever access he wanted, needed or desired. He took again and again. My body would shake with the feel of his need, as he would pound me relentlessly, forcing me to give in, lower my guard and just let go. I felt a need for him so deeply in my soul, I swear I felt it crack from the enormity of it all.
I know he could sense it, but he always reminded me, as gently and carefully as he could, that he was not mine to keep.
One night, after a particularly passionate round of love making he spoke to me in a gentle whisper "You know I'll always love you, right?"
"Yes," I whispered in return. Not wanting to say what I really wanted him to hear. Begging him to stay with me, let me hold him forever, let me show him the depths of my love for him. Let me give him the life I can offer him full of complete devotion and the depths of my adoration for him. But I knew he didn't return that sentiment and I couldn't bring myself to put that heaviness upon him.
So I held it in.
Knowing I would never be enough.
Knowing what I had in this moment was the shining moment in our crown.
The second weekend had come and gone. The third week was more of the same, however the intensity increased and the frequency sky-rocketed. Two of the 5 days that week, we blew off classes, we ditched work, stayed naked and cocooned in his bed. We feasted off each other, we worshipped each other, it was never enough.
As I pulled his cock deeper into my mouth, lavishing his shaft with my tongue, I wondered how I would survive when the memories of this exact moment were all I had to sustain me. I quickly pushed that thought aside and deep throated him, feeling him spew hot, thick cum down the back of my tongue. I drank it, greedily, enjoying the taste of his salty sweet seed. Licking him clean, allowing him to come down from the high of euphoria, I slowly made my way up his body with my tongue. I licked his "V" crevice, over his right hip bone . It was my second favorite part of his body, his cock being number one, of course. As my tongue twirled through the indention, he hissed, pulling his head up to watch me. I slowly prowled my way over him, hovering. "Baby, baby, baby... what am I going to do with you and this insatiable need to devour you twenty-four-seven?" he growled at me with a wanton look in his eyes.
"Um, I don't know, keep me as your sex slave for life?" I tried to chuckle out, jokingly.
"Oh babe, you're so beautiful when you are being naughty. You know how beautiful I think you are, don't you? You're body has been a wonderland of sin for my every pleasure. I know, after you, no one will ever satisfy this need in me, the way that you have," he said as the look in his eye got a serious.
"I hope so," was all I could say. I crawled up to the top of the bed and lay my head on the pillow next to him. He turned and faced me we lay there for what felt like hours. Just watching each other, smiling, frowning, crying, studying. It was one of the most intense non-sexual moments of my life. He was the other half of my soul, my heart, my life.
His hand came up and gently stroked my cheek, running his thumb just under my jaw. "Sleep precious, just sleep." And I did.
When I woke the next morning, he was gone. He'd left a note telling me he had to go pick Rosalie up from the airport, to make myself at home but that I needed to go home and change, before we had dinner that evening.
It was well after 2 in the afternoon. So I had to drag my ass up and head home or well, back to my dorm room. As I now thought of his home as my home.
I got back to my room, gathered up some clothes and hit the shower. As I stood under the hot stream of water, I thought back on the past two and half weeks. It's been the absolute best days of my life.
I think of the way Edward's hand roam my skin, how his eyes pierce my heart when he stares at me when he's feasting on my body, how it feels when he enters me. It sets me on fire, knowing how he can bring me to the edge so easily.
As I finished my shower, I had a sense of dread washing over me. I felt a thickness in the air settling down in my soul. I knew things were about to change and I had no control over anything coming my way. I didn't want to lose him but I knew it was inevitable.
And now, this cousin was entering the picture. Would he shy away from me? Would he pull away from me entirely? This sense of loss was already overwhelming me and I hoped that I had at least one more night in his arms, feasting on his cock, feeling him fill me entirely. I had to have him at the very minimum one more time so I could say goodbye properly to his body.
The phone rang out breaking me from my daydream and I startled a little. "Hello?" I said into the receiver.
"Hi babe, are you almost ready? Rosalie's just about unpacked, so we'll be ready to go soon." Edward said with a hint of excitement in his voice.
"Yes, I'm just heading out the door now," I voiced trying to keep the apprehension and defeat out of my voice.
"Well, hurry up, I've missed you today."
"On my way," I said and hung up the phone.
As I walked across the campus, I savored the moments in the sunshine, feeling the heat on my skin. Ten minutes later, I stopped, took a deep breath before I continued on around the corner to his front door.
"Here goes nothing," I said to no one. I knocked on the door hearing the laughing and excitement in the air.
"Hi, it's about time you got here. These girls are driving me crazy with the music their listening to," he turned and pulled me into the entryway, placing his hand on my lower back leading me into the living room.
"Everyone, this is my best friend, Jasper. Jasper, this is Rosalie," he said as he pointed me towards a tall, gorgeous blond-haired woman. "Hi, Rosalie, it's very nice to meet you," I said as I shook her hand. She was eyeing me closely and I distinctly got the feeling she knew more about me than her face betrayed.
"This is Alice and last but not least her friend, beautiful Bella" he smiled widely, unable to tear his eyes away from Bella. Alice was extremely short with jet black hair and a killer smile. Bella seemed shy and tentative. She was a little taller than Alice but had mahogany hair, long down her back but was refreshingly beautiful. I could easily see why Edward couldn't pull his gaze off her.
"It's nice to meet you Alice and beautiful Bella." I extended my hand to both of them while watching Edward from my peripheral vision.
"Hi Jasper, it's nice to finally meet you, too," Alice stated. "Edward's talked about you non-stop since we got here. It's like the ultimate bro-mance with the two of you, huh?" She laughed and as I looked to her with a false grin, I noticed her eyes glaring into mine. I got the distinct feeling that there was an underlying pang of jealousy floating off her.
"Oh, well, we are pretty close, I guess," I was able to choke out. Trying to mask my face, I felt Edward clasp my shoulder. As I turned back to him, his face was a mask as he said "Let's go grab some beers."
As we left the girls in the living room and walked into the kitchen I could feel a knot forming in my stomach. I knew the words about to be said were going to destroy my heart so I tried to make my face as stoic as possible.
"Jas" he said while turning around towards me, less than an inch of space between us "I know tonight won't be easy, but we'll deal with all this later, okay?" He looked hard into my eyes, piercing my soul and waiting for me to respond.
"Edward" I whispered, "let's just go have some fun and enjoy the company, I'm fine, really."
I knew he could see right through me. I knew he didn't believe me. I was minimizing the greatest joy in my life. It all felt so false. But what choice did I have, he wasn't mine to keep.
"Jasper, " he breathed out with a desperate look of want in his eyes. "This doesn't change anything. It's just one night and then it'll just be us again, okay?" I wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, me or him. But I knew the reality, this night would change everything.
I had seen the way he was looking at Bella. He'd looked at me that way plenty of times before.
He grabbed some beers out of the fridge and set them on the counter. "Come here, baby," he said while pulling me to him, placing his lips softly against mine. "God, I need you so bad, already. You're driving me crazy right now, but we have to go back out there before they come searching for us." He leaned his forehead against mine, sighed and gently kissed my lips again.
I let him go and walked back into the living, settling down in a corner chair with my beer. He handed each of the girls their own beers and sat on the couch next to Bella. Alice was on the other side of her while Rosalie was sitting on the arm of the couch.
"So, what's the plan for tonight? Are we going out after dinner or hitting up a party?" I asked.
Rosalie and Alice started talking over each other about what we should do and where we should go. I didn't care. As long as I was within close proximity to Edward, I could not care less where we were.
Being with him was all that mattered to me. Once they decided we'd hit up a party, we finished up our beers and headed outside to our waiting taxi van.
Edward was between Alice and Bella in the van, leaving me and Rosalie to sit together. She leaned over closer to me whispering "He's an amazing person, isn't he?" I couldn't help but break the stare I'd had on him to respond "Yes, he's the best person I know." She nodded her head then turned to look out the window.
Alice and Edward joked and laughed all the way to the restaurant with Bella occasionally laughing along with them. I couldn't even tell you what they were talking about. I only knew that my heart was splintering, reeling from the cracks I felt with each chuckle, snort or giggle coming from the front seat.
As we pulled up in front of the restaurant and climbed out of the taxi van, Edward took one arm from each girl and wrapped them around his bicep, leading the way. Rosalie grabbed my arm, pulling me behind them. I got the feeling she could sense my tension and was probably going to be attempting to soothe me all night long.
I didn't want nor need her to. I did this. I fell in love with someone who is beautiful, kind, smart and funny. He had charisma that everyone would be attracted to. I had known all along he would never be mine, to have forever. Her comfort was just another spike through the open wound on my soul.
As we waited to be seated Edward attempted to draw me into the conversation they were having on the pro's and con's about Justin Beiber's music abilities. I just laughed and told him "You're all on your own with that one."
"Gee thanks man, these girls have no idea what real music is, ya know?" He chuckled while attempting to dodge their slaps to his arm and chest.
They called our reservation and we all piled into the restaurant area to our table. I was hoping to at least be able to sit next to Edward but Alice made sure to get in between us at the last moment.
"So, Jasper, what are you majoring in?" Rosalie asked me.
"Oh, um, history." I replied a little thrown by her singling me out.
"What are you planning to do with all that history knowledge?" She smirked at me.
"Rose, Jasper has a brilliant mind. He's also a killer guitar player." Edward chimed in.
"Oooh, you play too?" Alice asked.
"Yeah, I've been playing since I was old enough to walk, it seems." I answered.
Edward turned to face Bella. "So, Bella, what's your major?" he gently asked her. She turned pink, blushing fervently.
"Well, I'm majoring in English lit but I'm thinking of changing it to journalism." She quietly responded.
"Wow, you want to be a writer, huh?" He asked, seemingly enraptured with what she had to say. As I sat back and watched them chat, I completely ignored the conversation going on between Alice and Rosalie around me.
Making it through this dinner was going to be the hard but I was beginning to get the sense that between Alice and Bella, my time was extremely limited to be near Edward. If Edward wasn't engaging in conversation with Bella, then Alice was trying to pull him into a conversation with her.
I figured out rather quickly that Alice had some major pangs of want for my Edward. She also gave off the aura that she knew I was in competition for Edward. I didn't even want to think about how to handle that mess. Because it seems our dear Edward was completely and totally smitten with beautiful Bella.
**Present Day**
"I'm so glad that you could both join me." I said as politely as I could while trying to come across casual.
"Jasper, it's been a while since we've seen you. How have you been?" Bella asked.
"I've been well, I suppose. Busy with work at the museum, we're building a new history wing, so I've been doing a lot of research and continuing to work on donations." I confidently stated.
"So, Jasper, what did you want to talk about?" Edward threw out at me.
"Oh, um, well, I was kind of hoping we could go somewhere and talk, in private. I've got a proposition that I'd like to discuss with you and Bella." I was really hoping they'd agree, I had to lay my plan out before them. I had to try or I'd never be able to move forward.
They were sharing a look, like a secret conversation was taking place and I felt so out of place. It hurt me to the core to feel so out of control with my emotions with him mere inches from me.
"Where did you have in mind?" Bella asked, clipped in her tone.
"Well, my place is a few blocks away, I was hoping we could go there." I said while never looking up from my drink. I could feel her tension and something told me that's not where we'd be going.
"Jasper, I don't think that's a neutral enough space for Bella, why don't we go to the little coffee shop around the corner. Surely this time of night it'll be empty enough for us to talk." Edward said.
"Sure. Let me take care of my tab and I can meet you there, in about twenty minutes?"
I was getting a foreboding feeling that Bella was not going to be so receptive to anything I had to say. It forced me to steel my nerves or I'd never make it through this request. She was the key to the whole plan. If she said no, I'd have no choice but to let it go and walk away, empty-handed, again.
I had to make her relax and understand. I loved Edward, still, but I know she was the love he'd chosen. I knew that I could never compare to her. I just had to convince her of that.
**3 years ago, during dinner**
Several times during our meal, Rosalie would lean over to me, place her hand on my arm and say random bits of information to me, feeding me in on what I needed to understand about the dynamics of our little group.
"Alice has been after Edward for years. We all went to school together but he's never seen her as more than a friend." She told me first.
Next time it was, "Alice brought Bella tonight as back up to help her corner Edward and confess her feelings for him. However, I don't think she thought that completely through, as our dear Edward seems to be completely smitten with Bella. Don't you agree?"
I nodded and looked away from the table. It was becoming glaringly obvious to everyone at the table that Edward was focused on Bella and Bella alone. Poor Alice didn't stand a chance.
And I knew he was gone for good. I had to fight to breath several times before finally excusing myself to go to the bathroom.
As I walked down the hallway, I had to fight to keep my knees from buckling and crashing to the floor.
Once I closed the door to the stall and sat down, I felt the pressure of a thousand cracks in my heart. I fought to keep the tears at bay and to keep my breathing steady. I grabbed hold of the railing to stop myself from falling forward. He's gone...he's hers now is all I kept saying over and over in my head.
I finally managed to stand, walk to the sink and splash cold water on my face. Taking a few deep, steady breaths, I opened the door only to run into Alice.
"You!" She said, grabbing me and shoving me into a corner. "You were supposed to keep Bella occupied tonight. Aren't you interested? Can't you keep her company for ten minutes so I can talk to him? Aren't you his best friend?" She just started whisper yelling at me and I had no idea what to say.
I wanted to shout at her that this was all her fault. I was perfectly content to be the person in his life before she brought this beautiful Bella to his doorstep. No, it wasn't my fault that Alice couldn't garner his attention. It was her fault for destroying MY blissful existence.
Glaring at her I held back my voice, "You have no idea what matters to Edward and as his best friend I know when to step back and let him be." I gave her a smug smile and walked back to the table.
When I sat back down I smiled at Edward across the table, noticing his arm on the back of Bella's chair. I tried not to let the pang of jealousy show on my face. She was talking to Rosalie while he returned my smile, looking drunk from giddiness.
"Are you having a good time, Jasper?" he asked across the table.
"Yea, I'm good." I lied to him. I know he could see the destruction of my heart in my eyes. He softened his look and said, "Hopefully we can have a good time at the party. Tyler and the boys will be there. Maybe we can even play a little music." He replied with a twinkle in his eyes.
"Sounds good." I droned out.
Alice returned from the ladies room shortly afterwards. Once we were done with our meal, we waited outside for another taxi van to take us to the party. Once again, Rosalie was on my arm, whispering in my ear.
"Have you ever seen him this infatuated with another girl?"
"No, I've never seen him with a girl, period." I boldy answered.
"That's what I thought." She looked at me sympathetically. "I've seen him with a few before but I've never seen him respond or attach to one like he is with her. He might have finally met his match." She gently said. The taxi van pulled up just then and we all climbed in.
My eyes instantly watered. I could not allow a single tear to fall. I closed my eyes and slowly laid my head back upon the seat of the taxi van. Rosalie continued to rub my arm or grip my knee. I could feel her trying to help me, soothe me, to will me to keep it together. I didn't know how much longer I could make it until I crashed and burned.
I had to wait for him to tell me it was over. I thought maybe if I avoided him or left, I could prolong the inevitable. Maybe his infatuation with her would wane by the end of the night. I just had to hold it together.
We arrived at the party, and once again, he walked in with Alice on one arm and Bella on the other. I was non-existent at that moment.
Once we got inside, it was crowded and loud, people yelling out greetings over the blaring music. Edward turned to me and said "Let's go get some drinks, girls, find us a spot to sit and we'll find you." They all agreed and turned to walk away.
We started walking towards the kitchen where the alcohol was being dispersed but he kept going down the hall towards the bathroom. I stopped while he kept going. He turned around and motioned for me to follow him.
Thankfully the bathroom was empty when we got to it, he shut and locked the door behind us shoving me up against the wall.
"Jasper, I need your mouth on me, I need it now. I'm hard as a fucking brick and if I don't get some relief soon, I'll explode." I was on my knees before he could take another breath. I wasted no time getting his jeans unbuttoned and pulled down around his knees, watching his fucking glorious cock springing down in front of me. I quickly licked my lips and surrounded his cock with my mouth.
He hissed out "So fucking good, that wet, hot mouth, fuck Jas, you have the best mouth. You like sucking me off don't you baby? You like feeling me fuck your face, huh?" All I could do was hum around his cock while I continued licking and sucking, taking him as deep as I could.
He grabbed me hair and started directing the rhythm with the push and pull of my head. I loved when he took control and just let go. He fucked my mouth nice and steady, finally going still to shove his shaft as far down my throat as possible before filling me with his hot, salty cum.
"FUCCKKKKKKK, so good baby, oh so fucking good. I love feeling you take it all and lick me clean." He forcefully said while riding out the last moments of his orgasm high.
I licked him clean and placed a few kisses up and down his shaft before standing and pushing him up on the counter, crashing my lips to his. He loved the taste of himself in my mouth and I needed to feel the connection between us.
He finally broke the kiss, leaning his forehead on mine, his eyes closed. "Thank you Jasper." He said, almost remorsefully. "Anytime, baby, anytime. You know that." I whispered to him.
"Jas," he hesitated.
"Edward, I know what you are going to say. Just don't. I see it. I feel it. Just go for it. Be happy. I'll be okay." I lied to the best of my ability. Hoping and wishing that he'd say something about me being wrong or that I misunderstood.
"We knew this wouldn't last, right? I mean, you're sure you're okay with me switching things up for a while?" he shyly asked me.
"Edward, when you feel it, you feel it. Don't hold back. I mean, look how that feeling lead us to where we are right now." I tried to confidently say to him, fearing he could see the depth of my heartbreak with each word.
"I know, Jasper, but I feel like I just used you, right now. I mean, this girl, she's got my head spinning and between you and her at that dinner table, I thought I was going to cum in my jeans."
"Edward, we always talked about this not being a permanent situation. I'm happy you found someone you feel that connected to. Come on, let's get back to the party. The night is still young and who knows what can happen." I pulled him off the counter, hugged him, pecked him on the lips then walked out the door.
My feet were like lead. I knew he was behind me, I could feel the energy from him settling on my skin. But I couldn't look back, I'd lose it and he'd know how torn up I was inside. I had to let him go without him knowing how badly I was crushed. It wasn't his fault for my pain and I would never, ever put that upon him. I fell for him, loved him, and worshiped him all the while knowing one day he'd leave me. But it didn't stop the rip straight through my heart.
Needless to say, Rosalie and I spent most of the party in a corner saying very little but watching this great love story develop right in front of our faces. Like a movie starting at the very beginning, we were both just caught up in the sight before us.
Meanwhile, Alice was getting completely shit-faced drunk and making a fool out of herself. She was flagrantly dancing with men, bumping and grinding, never looking away from the couch where Edward and Bella sat talking in their own little world.
Once she finally got obnoxious enough Rosalie insisted that she and I take her home.
"Edward, we're gonna take Alice home," she said as we walked up and interrupted them while I was holding Alice up with my arms.
"Okay...do you, uh, need us to go with you? We were planning on hanging out a little longer." Edward turned away from Rosalie and caught my eye, pleading with me to help him out. "Jasper, can you make sure they get home safe?" he asked with a hope in his eyes to continue his time with Bella.
"Sure, Edward, I'm pretty tired, as well. I'll see they get back to your place safe and sound. Talk to you tomorrow?" I asked with a hope hanging in the air.
"Yeah, I'll give you a call, maybe we can get some studio time in tomorrow." He smiled, winked and looked back to Bella.
"Okay. Have a good night, beautiful Bella." I said in her direction, giving her a small smile.
"You, too, Jasper," she looked at me with a punch-drunk grin on her face as she spoke.
Rosalie turned to me and smiled. "Let's get Alice to bed so we can talk."
We got back to Edward's place, tucked Alice into bed in the spare room Rosalie was staying in and sat down on the couch.
"So, Jasper, how long have YOU been in love with Edward?" she confidently asked.
"Rosalie, I don't know if I'm comfortable talking to you about this." I said, looking out the window, unable to look at her for fear of breaking down.
"Jasper, you don't think he's talked to me about his little experimental adventure he's been on? I mean, we talk about everything and I've known about what's going on with the two of you from the beginning. I just didn't know it was you, you. He never told me your name. But once I saw you and the way you look at him, I knew. If you don't want to talk about it, it's cool. Just know that I won't judge you." She hesitated for a moment before saying "You do know that you've lost him to that beauty he's with right now, though, right?" she quietly stated.
Drawing a deep breath and letting it out, I sat forward and put my head in my hands "Yes, I know. He all but told me so much at the party. I even encouraged him to ask her out." I let a tear fall, hiding my face from her.
"Jasper, does he know you're in love with him?" she said as she pulled me over to her on the couch.
"No, Rosalie, he's made it clear to me from the beginning that this was just a phase and he wasn't looking for anything serious. I think he suspects but I would never, ever tell him out loud. I knew what I was doing when I let myself delve into him. I knew this exact moment would come. I was just hoping for a little more time." I couldn't hold back the release of tears anymore.
She pulled me into a hug and allowed me to cry on her shoulder. "He's so easy to love, isn't he?" she said.
"He has no idea the power he welds over people. I can see it in Alice's eyes that he's never once acknowledged the enormity of her crush on him. I can't imagine having loved him as long as she has and never had a moment to feel anything in return," I said sympathetically.
"You're right, Jasper, he doesn't see it. It's not his nature. Sure, he can be a selfish bastard at times, but that's just the only child syndrome in him," She laughed out. "But, fundamentally, he's just a good guy that is aloof to the magic he possesses."
"He is the greatest friend I've ever had. I don't know what I'll do when I lose him entirely." I pulled back from her, wiping my face and straightening back up on the couch.
"I wish I could help. But I've chosen to stay out of his affairs since Junior High. I love him too much and it's just how our relationship works." Rosalie offered.
"It's okay, Rosalie, I knew this was coming. I'll deal with it." I said, getting up to go back to my dorm. I needed to get out of this apartment. Away from his scent, away from the vivid memories of everywhere I looked. "I'm just gonna head home" I mumbled out, knowing that this place felt more like home than any other place I'd ever been.
"Just be careful, Jasper." She said while standing to walk me out. We reached the door, she hugged me goodbye and said, "I hope it all works out for you, you seem like a great guy."
"Thanks, I appreciate it." I opened the door, took a deep breath and walked out. I heard her shut and lock the door behind me.
It was like a vault closing around my chest each step I took away from his apartment. The short ten minute walk back to my dorm room felt like days and the crash of the emotional tidal wave washed over me. I silently crept into my room, laid on my bed without removing any of my clothes and sobbed as quietly as I could.
My roommate, Emmett had no idea what had been going on in my life and I knew he would never understand. So I had to remain as still and hushed as possible. The minutes passed like hours and the hours felt like days. When the sun finally rose, I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.
How was I going to survive this?
I finally fell asleep only to be woken up by my phone going off, alerting me to a text.
Jasper, we need to talk, can you meet me in the running park at our bench?
This was it. This would quite possibly be the last moments I had alone with him, ever. Could I face him? Could I actually make myself walk away? I had no choice.
Sure, give me about 30 minutes and I'll meet you there.
He instantly replied.
Ok see ya soon.
I got up, going through the motions as I showered and dressed. I grabbed the the little box I had put away so I could take it to him. I had seen this amazing silver treble in a store I passed one day and thought it would look good on his silver chain he always wore. I had planned on giving it to him this weekend until everything went awry. I still wanted him to have it, whether he wore it or not. I wanted to give him something that would always remind him of me, no matter where our paths in life took us.
Twenty minutes later, I walked out the door. With a battered soul and a knotted stomach I made my way to our bench. It's where we'd often meet between classes to reconnect, get a few quick touches and kisses in, throughout the day. It was a little ways off the running path, secluded behind some trees and had become a source of necessity, at times.
I saw him sitting there as I approached from behind. My hands were sweating and I could feel overwhelming fear take over my body. I tried to stop the shaking in my bones but it couldn't be helped.
He was here to tell me goodbye.
"Jasper, you made it," he said smiling widely at me.
"Yep, I'm here," I said taking a seat on the end of the bench putting some distance between us.
He turned and faced me sitting sideways, staring straight into my eyes. They were soft, almost glistening with wetness but overwhelmingly full of happiness.
"I don't know how to even start this conversation," he said coyly. "But, I haven't slept, I'm jolted on caffeine and high off of the night I've just had. I'm so excited and you were the first person I wanted to tell it too." He was almost shaking with excitement.
"Sure, what happened that's got you all abuzz?" I tried to enthusiastically prod at him.
"She's the one, Jasper" he whispered out "I can feel it to my very core, she... is...the... one... for... me." His smile was more exuberant than I'd ever seen him display. His eyes were bouncing with life. His body humming with the thrill of his new discovery.
"She's the most amazing girl I've ever met. We stayed up all night talking and laughing and getting to know each other" he was animatedly telling me. "I just dropped her back at her dorm before I came here and I just had to tell someone and I wanted to tell you first." he gushed with cheer.
"Edward, that's fantastic. Really, it is. You know when you meet someone, you just know, huh?" I asked with a half-hearted attempt to sound happy.
"Yep, I do know. I have no doubts. None about her or where I see us headed. She's so shy and this is all so very new for both of us. But I know we'll make it work, I can just feel it."
I tried to hold my emotions in check as I told him "So, I guess this means our thing," I motioned between us, "is over?"
"Um, yeah, Jasper, it is. I'm sorry it has to be this way. But we both knew something like this could happen, right? " He smiled gently and placed a hand on my knee. "I don't regret anything between us and I meant everything that happened and was said between us, Jas."
"I know, Edward. I mean, you've been straight with me from the get go. I'm really happy for you and I completely understand." I lied completely, trying not to grit my teeth as I did.
"Jasper, I wanna apologize for something though. Last night, in the bathroom. That was wrong. I shouldn't have used you that way. I feel awful but I was wound up so tight, I thought I'd snap. I hope you can forgive me?" he sincerely looked me in the eyes, apologizing.
"Hey, there's none of that necessary. I knew what was happening. I wanted it and needed it as much as you did, so don't even go there, please, Edward." I didn't want to come across pathetically, like he could feel my remorse in that being the last time I'd ever get to touch him.
"Thank you, Jasper. For everything that you've given me and shown me. I only hope that you find that someone special someday, I truly do." He smiled and put his hand on my cheek. I leaned in to his touch and closed my eyes, willing the tears to disappear so he couldn't see them.
"I got you something. It's nothing much and I don't want you to open it here but I wanted you to have it." I whispered out, opening my eyes, pulling the little box from my jacket pocket. I sat it on the bench.
"Jasper, you didn't have to do this. But whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it." He picked up the box, inspecting it before putting it in his pocket. "Well, I'm beat, so I'm gonna head home. I'll talk to you soon, okay?" He glanced at me, eye to eye, and I tried my hardest to will him to stay. To not walk away. To give me one more chance to hold him in arms, kiss him, love him, claim him.
He stood, reached out to pull me up and hugged me gently. He pulled away, smiled and walked away.
I stood there for what felt like hours. I eventually laid down on the bench and let go of all the hurt I was feeling. I cried more tears than I thought a human could produce. Eventually the clouds settled in and a light rain started to fall. I didn't care. I half hoped the rain could wash the hurt and misery from my body. It didn't and I knew that nothing ever would.
**Present day, coffee shop**
I walked in and saw them sitting with their backs to me, in a corner booth. It was one thirty in the morning so the place was pretty empty, which I was thankful for.
I approached with caution, slowly sliding into the booth across from them. His arm was around her and she was leaning her head on his shoulder. There were three cups of coffee already on the table. I pulled my cup closer, grabbing the creamer to fix my coffee. Hoping the distraction would give me the guts to start this conversation.
"So, Jasper, what did you want to talk to us about?" Edward said hesitantly.
"Edward, how much does Bella know?" I asked as strongly as I could.
"Jasper, she knows everything. I haven't kept any secrets from her." He said looking down at her smiling. It made me ache with longing to see that look on his face showering over her.
Clearing my throat, wrapping my hands around my cup, I sat up tall and looked right at her. This whole plan was contingent on her, and I had to make her understand why I needed this and what it meant to me. To my future. To moving on. To letting go and conceding to her forever.
"I wanted to ask Bella for a favor. I know you don't owe me anything, either of you. But you see, my life is at a standstill and the only way I can move forward is if I ask you for something." I said looking right at her, trying to convey through my eyes that I wasn't trying to destroy anything but gain closure instead.
"Okay, Jasper, what do you want to ask me?" Bella said, sitting up straight and placing her hands, clasped, on the table.
"I want a weekend with Edward. I wanted to finish what we started so I can let him go for good." I said, never looking away from her eyes.
He gasped.
She smiled.
Chapter 3
I don't remember much from that first week, I don't remember leaving my room to go to the Dean's office to drop out of my English lit class. I don't remember changing my cell phone number. But somehow, I did those things.
I had to make a clean break from him. I don't think I could have continued breathing if I saw him and especially if I saw him with her.
A week had past and there was a knock on my door. I refused to get up and answer it. I couldn't take the chance on it being him. So Emmett opened the door to a very stunned Rosalie. He had been trying all week to find out what was going on with me, as I had become almost zombie-like, but I couldn't say anything. Just told him I was fine and to leave me alone.
Rosalie introduced herself to Emmett as a friend of mine and that she was there to check up on me. I heard them talking about me. Heard Emmett tell her I wasn't eating, showering or moving much off the bed. She sighed and told him she needed to talk to me in private but exchanged phone numbers with him before he quietly left the room.
I heard her moving around the room before she sat on the edge of my bed. "Sweetie, are you surviving?" She softly asked as she put her hand on my forehead moving some hair from my swollen eyes.
"I'm fine, Rose. I just need to rest, I'm tired." I lied to her.
"Jasper, I'm here to help you. Sit up; I need to talk to you. I have some things you need to hear," she said causing me to curiously obey.
"He's hurting too you know? You've completely shut him out and pushed him away. He's worried about you. None of your friends have seen you for a week. And you dropped out of class?" She inquired.
I didn't want to know about his hurt. It only increased my pain ten-fold. I couldn't soothe his hurt without destroying what was left of me. It would make me want to run to him, beg for him to reconsider, give me a true chance to make him happy. All of which I knew he would never do, he had found "the one" and I could never measure up to her.
"Rose, I had to make it a clean break. Seeing him at all, especially happy and with her," I gasped, trying to catch my breath thinking about it. "I couldn't handle it, not yet, not now. I felt it was better to just sever all ties. He's made his choice. It wasn't me. It'll never be me." I squeaked out as the sobs took me over and I shook with sorrow.
"Oh babe, come here," Rose said pulling me into a hug. "He broke your heart, didn't he?" she cooed at me.
I just hugged her and cried till I couldn't cry anymore. I felt so weak. I felt like I was underwater, searching for a breath, never being able to reach the surface.
"Jasper, you need to shower and then we're going outside for a walk. You need some fresh air, your hunk of a roommate needs to air out this room and then we're going to have a nice, long talk, okay sweetie?" She put her finger under my chin and lifted my face so we could see eye to eye.
"Okay." I replied.
She got up and started gathering some of my things, handed them to me and shoved me into the bathroom. I guess she called Emmett because he was there making a list of things to do from the orders that Rose was giving him. It was weird that something was going on with them, but I didn't have the energy to care, to be honest.
"You look so much better and your smell has definitely improved," she said to me with a smug grin.
"It's as good as it's going to get, I'm afraid," I told her with all the energy I had left in me.
She wrapped an arm around my bicep, smiled and said, "Come on, let's get out of here for a while."
She turned around towards Emmett before stepping out the door. "Now, don't forget what I told you, keep in touch and get right on that list?"
"Um, sure Rosie, I'm all over it," he said with a lazy smile and winked at her. "I'll talk to you soon."
With that we turned and headed down the stairs. Once we got outside, she started walking towards the botanical gardens. "I think you need some Zen this morning, so let's go and sit, shall we?" She asked me, as if I had a choice.
Once we found a bench that seemed a little secluded, we sat down and she turned to face me.
"Jasper, I know you must be experiencing the worst heartbreak ever, but stop and think about the situation as a whole. Didn't you set yourself up for this?" She laid out to me, with nothing but sincerity in her voice.
"And before you speak, I want you to think long and hard about what the consequences are that you would have faced, had the two of you decided to stay together." She spoke gently, "I know that the gay lifestyle is a lot more openly accepted in the world today and I have no opposition to it. But, honestly, is that how you see your life playing out? No children of your own, never being able to legally marry the love of your life, having to be dishonest to some extent in your profession." She was trying to change my thinking from emotional to rational.
"You have known from the get go that Edward was not in this "thing" with you for the long haul, so you have to figure out a way to deal with this hurt, grieve it like a death and move forward so you can have a full and happy life." She finished soundly.
"Rose, I understand everything that you are saying. I never expected Edward to live a true gay lifestyle with me. I HAVE always known it wasn't what he wanted. I know the choices I made and the consequences. But, my heart has just been ripped out and handed back to me on a silver fucking platter. Please allow me a modicum of sorrow. I am grieving him. I am trying to figure out how to move forward."
I sighed, trying how to express what I truly needed to say, out loud.
"I am absurdly and devastatingly in love with him. I have never felt that depth of a connection to another living soul. I'm terrified that he was "the one" for me and all the ramifications that come with that revelation." I ran my hands through my hair but stopped halfway through when I realized that it was a habit I had picked up from watching Edward do exactly the same thing when he was nervous.
"I don't even know what I want out of life, anymore, that doesn't include him. He came to mean everything to me. For the past two months, I have lived, breathed and existed on him, for him and by him." Fighting back tears, I looked away from her.
"I just don't feel like I got the closure that I deserved because I wasn't honest with him about how I felt." I gushed out, lowered my head into my hands and cried.
"Finally, Jasper, the truth comes out. You know they say "The Truth will set you Free", so what are you going to do about it?" she questioned.
"Nothing. There is nothing at this point I can do about it. I missed my chance and I won't mess up his life with my issues. He's got a good thing going with her. He doesn't need the heaviness of my burdens because I wasn't man enough to be honest with him when I had the chance." I resolve.
"Okay, Jasper, if that's how you feel. I won't push you to change your mind. But, just know, that some time in your life, you will need to resolve this and when you do, I hope it's not too late, for your sake, his sake and the sake of your future." She pointedly stated to me.
Smiling, she grabbed my hand and said "Come on, we have a lunch date. I have another friend nursing a pretty big heart break too, let's go have some food and drink and commiserate together, shall we?" She chuckled out.
"Let's go" I resigned knowing she wouldn't take no for an answer at this point.
We walk into the diner and I see Alice sitting in a booth with large dark black sunglasses almost covering her whole face. She looked like a broken little doll being swallowed up in that big booth seat.
Rosalie slides in and I go to sit beside her when she stops me and directs me to sit next to Alice. I don't question her, I just do it. I don't have the energy to fight with her.
"Now look, both of you are nursing some pretty serious wounds. You both have broken hearts and I'm leaving to go back home tomorrow, so it's up to the two of you to help each other out." She stated very matter of fact. I know she could see the look of confusion and disapproval on my face but she chose to ignore it.
"Jasper, you've just suffered the loss of true love, correct?" She directed to me.
"Yes," I answered.
"Alice, you've suffered a similar loss of true love and best friend, correct?" She aimed at Alice.
"Ye...Yes," she croaked out.
"Good, we're all the same page. You don't have to like each other; you don't even have to tell each other your horror stories, if you don't want. But what you do need to do is learn to get along enough to help each other out. Now, Jasper, I haven't known you that long, but I have known Alice her whole life. You two will help each other get over the hurt and misery that you are both experiencing. I don't want to hear anymore of this 'woe is me bullshit' and staying in bed for days on end, got it?" She snapped at both of us.
"Um, Rosalie, I don't think this is a good idea," I started to point out. I didn't particularly like or dislike Alice but it wasn't my place to share Edward's sexuality with her. And I didn't really want to listen to her wallow in HER tales of sorrow regarding Edward.
"Jasper, stop. Just listen. You do not have to share any of your story with Alice, understand. I don't think she particularly wants to share her story with you, am I right, Alice?" She looked straight at Alice with an eyebrow cocked.
"No, I really, really do not. To be honest." Alice stated very matter of fact.
"Okay, so it's all settled then. Let's eat." Rosalie cooed out with a smile.
We ordered some food, made small talk, Rosalie made sure that Alice and I exchanged phone numbers. Then she paid the bill and left us sitting there stunned.
I didn't have a clue what to say to her. I didn't really want to talk to her but maybe if I had something or someone else to focus on it would help alleviate some of the ache in my chest.
"So you want me to walk you back to your dorm?" I quietly asked her.
"Oh, well, I moved out of my dorm room..." she trailed off, not looking at me.
"Well, where are you living at? Wait, weren't you roommates with..." she immediately threw her hand over my mouth stopping me from speaking.
"DO NOT SAY HER NAME!" she quickly demanded.
We silently sat and just kind of stared at each other for what felt like an hour. She finally lowered her hand and stared talking very animatedly "Just don't mention my ex-roommate or her new boyfriend and we'll get along just fine, ok? OK. Now, I need to go apartment hunting are you in or out?"
"Um, well, I guess I'm in but I'm not sure how much help I'll be, I've never apartment hunted before" I embarrassingly admitted.
"It's ok, I haven't either. I just need something with a huge closet, room for my design boards and relatively close to campus." She told me.
"Alright, I'll try to be as helpful as possible." I told her standing up and waiting for her to exit the booth.
We spent the afternoon looking at more than 6 apartments before she finally decided on one, filled out the paperwork and we headed back to her hotel that she was staying at.
"Alice thanks for this afternoon. It was actually nice to focus on something other than my problems." I told her while giving her a small smile.
"No problem, Jasper, you actually were a big help to me, too. Are you free tomorrow to help me shop for some furniture?" She asked while trying to not appear too eager.
"Yeah, sure. I mean, I've got a ton of homework to catch up but I think that I can manage a few hours away to help you out."
"Sounds good. Call me when you are done with your homework. Or text me later if you just need to talk to someone. I'll try to help you if you help me and hopefully we can figure all this shit out. Ok?" She asked trying to keep her tears at bay.
"Sure thing, Alice." We hugged and I headed back towards campus hoping I could be the rain. I was a few blocks from my dorm when I saw them walking across the field, holding hands and laughing. I stopped and moved back behind a group of trees, hoping they wouldn't see me.
My breathing stopped, my heart started racing and I instantly felt the need to throw up. It was the worst form of realization that he was truly, truly gone to me. He looked so happy. So free. So...in love. It was written all over his face. As plain as day, he was completely and totally head over heels for Bella. And the look on her face showed the same mutual emotions.
I had to stop myself when I wondered if they'd solidified their relationship sexually yet. I had to stop the images of his naked body lying over her from flooding my mind. I felt my knees give out and I doubled over, having to fight to breath as the fresh tears resurfaced. I stayed that way for several minutes. Waiting for the burning ache in my chest to wane and the ability of breathing to return.
I looked up just in time to see him take her in his arms and kiss her. Holding her tightly, lips caressing lips. Bodies flushed together. They were on fire for one another. It brought me some relief in the realization that he hadn't claimed her body yet. The want was evident to me, but the satisfaction was all mine that he hadn't, yet.
My body was still the only one he'd penetrated, his cock still belong to me in that small sense.
That fact alone made it possible for me to stand, but it also brought me to a state of arousal. My body knew his, my body belong to his and I'll forever have the knowledge that I was the first one he'd ever made love to. My cock knew it too. I quickly turned and walked the long way around the building to go into the dorm. I had to get to the shower and quickly. I had to feel the memories flooding over me of the first night we shared, taking each other's bodies in the most carnal of ways. I had to stroke those memories out of my cock to feel again.
Little by little over the next week, I allowed those memories to resurface and I used them as fuel to bring feeling back to my skin, my numbed body started to come alive again with each and every stroke of my hand over my hardened cock.
Normally, masturbation wasn't my thing but with the memories of Edward driving me, I couldn't stop. I felt thirteen years old again. But it helped. It started my healing and dulled the ache I constantly rubbed my hand over, on my chest.
Alice and I started spending all our free time together. We weren't attracted to each other but we had a mutual connection through our grieving process, so we worked through it together.
Rosalie started coming to town more and more frequently, but we saw very little of her as she and Emmett started to spend more time together. Through all of the chaos of losing Edward, I'd gained three really good friends and we formed a bond.
I was moving forward but never stopped looking back. I would never let him go. I hadn't gotten the closure that I knew I needed to let go of that want for more of his body. Before I knew it four months had gone by and summer break was approaching.
It was around the last week of finals that Rosalie came to town and she and Emmett invited us out to dinner. She took me for a walk in the park to talk over some things; she'd said when she asked me to come with her. I was curious so I went.
"Jasper, you seem like you are in a really good place now. Things are better, right?" She quietly spoke as we strolled through the park.
"Yes, Rosalie, things are better. They'll never be great but I'm managing." I told her.
"I need to tell you a few things and it won't all be easy for you to hear, but I don't want you to be blindsided, ok?" She looked at me with softness in her eyes that lead me to believe she was talking about 'them'.
"Ok, Rose, just tell me. Pull the band aid off, quickly."
"First, Edward and Bella will be joining us for dinner tonight, but you'll be there with Alice, and my parents, Edward's parents and a few other friends will be there, too. So it won't be like you have to have a lot of interaction with either of them, ok?" I let out a long, hard breath that I'd been holding.
"I've arranged it so you'll be sitting on the same side of the table but on opposite ends, so you won't have to watch them together or be a part of their conversations. I know this will be hard for both you and Alice, but you are both important to me and Emmett, so it's important that you both be there and remain safe, together." She smiled and rubbed her hand up and down my arm that was stiff in a fist.
"Rose, why do I get the feeling nothing good is going to come out of this? Do they know I'll be there? Has he told her about me? And Alice? Has she agreed to this plan? She can't be comfortable with seeing either of them, especially together." I raged out at her.
"Calm down, Jasper. Alice knows and she's ready to move forward. It's you that I'm most worried about. Alice made the choice to stop being friends with Bella. I'm not going to lie, Bella was very distraught over that whole situation, but she doesn't really know why Alice stopped being her friend. But, don't worry about that, just worry about remaining calm, keeping Alice calm and try to have some fun, ok?" She tried to get me to loosen up a little.
"What else? There has to be more that you are trying to prepare me for. What's this dinner for anyway?" I coaxed at her, trying to get her to just tell me.
"Yes, there is more. It seems they are moving in together. Since Alice moved out of the dorm room Bella is going to be forced to get a new roommate for next semester and with summer break coming up, they just figured it was perfect timing to advance their relationship." She tried to tell me as gently as possible.
I felt like I'd been kicked in the groin, hard. All the air left my lungs and I had to sit down on the nearest bench.
"He really does love her, doesn't he?" I questioned looking up to meet her eyes. I needed to know the truth.
"Yes, Jasper, he really does. I'm truly surprised they've waited this long, to be honest. They are together all the time anyways. It really does make sense for them to move in this direction."
I stood up. Feeling another sliver of my heart disappear into the black hole of nothingness. It seems that my heart would keep breaking until there truly was nothing left to severe.
"What else?" I asked her point blank. "I know there is something else you have going on in your head and you keep sidetracking my question."
She threw her head back and laughed. "That, my dear boy, you will just have to wait to find out about. Hopefully it will bring you some happiness. It's brought nothing but happiness to me, but you'll just have to wait to find out." She smiled and winked at me.
We turned and walked back through the park to my room. Emmett was waiting for her and they left shortly after promptly reminding me not to be late.
I got cleaned up, trying not to concentrate on the fact that I am going to have to come face to face with Edward and Bella in a short amount of time. How am I going to do this? How am I going to keep from showing the pain that is running rampant through my body?
How am I going to protect Alice and keep her from being suspicious? She's never questioned me about my depression or my own break up. She's never questioned why I am no longer friends with Edward. But then again, she's pretty selfish, so I've just went with it.
I never imagined that we'd actually become friends. She has changed a lot throughout this whole experience. I have gotten a soft spot for her in my heart because even though she never had a piece of Edward's heart like I did, she loved him, in her mind, all the same.
However, she can never know the truth. It's just not been my place to tell her about Edward and I. And it would only hurt her more, now, to know the truth.
I head out the door and make my way to her apartment, hoping she truly is as prepared as Rosalie says that she is. When I arrive, I take a few deep breaths and knock on her door.
"Come on in, Jasper," she yells at me through the door. "I'm not quite ready yet, so give me a sec, alright?" She yells at me again.
"Sure thing, darling." I call back to her. I sit on the sofa and spot a few pictures sitting on her bookshelf that I'd never really paid attention to before. There are pictures of her, Edward and Rosalie from grade school, at the beach and High School graduation. I know that Edward is not truly ever aware of how people perceive him but he had to have known, at some point, how she felt about him.
He makes me hurt for her and once again realize how neither of us truly got the closure that we deserved. At least he had somewhat of a tinkling of my feelings for him, but Alice, well, I don't think he ever even registered his importance in her life. I should be angry at him. But, I am not. I don't know that I ever could be.
Just then Alice walks out of her bedroom looking like something out of a fashion magazine. She's wearing a little black dress that ties around her neck, shows off her boobs and makes her legs look ten miles longer than I've ever seen them. And, oh Lord, she's got Fuck Me heels on that have to be at least five inches tall.
"Alice, that's quite a dress you have on there. Dressing to impress tonight or what?" I smile and whistle at her, while she takes the opportunity to do a little spin for me.
"You like it? It was the latest project in my fashion design class. I thought it was completely appropriate for tonight's little gathering, don't you?" She smiled with a wicked gleam in her eye.
"Alice, you aren't up to anything, are you?" I asked.
"Jasper, I just want to go and get this over with. If someone happens to notice, then mission accomplished. If not, at least I feel like a million bucks." She says, halfway sounding defeated.
I walk over to her, turn her to me, and place my finger under her chin forcing her to look up at me. "Sweetie, you look amazing and if no one notices, then they are a damned fool. Now, let's go and get this over with, ok?" I smiled pulling her in for a quick hug.
"Thanks, Jasper. You always know what to say or do to make me feel better. You really think I look amazing, huh?" She giggled and did a little model pose.
"Come on," I said "we can't be late or Rose will kill us." I laughed out.
We rode to the restaurant in almost dead silence. I think both of us were just too wrapped up in our own heads to voice anything. I know I had a ten pound piece of lead in my stomach and I hoped that I could actually eat once we got there.
Seeing Edward was one thing but to see him and Bella together, touching each other, kissing each other, that was a whole 'other slew of emotions I didn't know if I was prepared for, yet.
I parked Alice's car and took a deep breath. I got out, went around letting Alice out and started for the door. "Wait, Jasper...um, can I hold your hand? I really just need you to help me stay calm and holding your hand will help me feel better." She gushed out, trying not to sound nervous.
"No problem, Alice." I looked her in the eye "If this gets to be too much, we can leave early. Just say the word and we're out of here, ok?" I asked letting her know I was there for her and hoping if it got to be too much for me, she could someway provide me the same escape.
"No, we have to be here for Rosalie and Emmett. Tonight's about them, not me." She said, trying to sound resolved.
"Let's go." She pulled me towards the door.
We walked in and she told the hostess which party we were joining. The hostess smiled and led us back to a private dining area. There were a few people already there, talking, laughing and having drinks. Rosalie spotted us and walked over to greet us.
"Wow, Alice, you look incredible and Jasper, you don't clean up so bad yourself," She said with a big smile and laughter in her voice. "Come on, I'll introduce you to my family and show you where you'll be sitting." She said leading us where Emmett was talking to an older couple.
"Hey guys, so glad you all could make it," Emmett said. "This is Rosalie's mom, Esme and her dad, Carlisle. Esme is Edward's mom's sister, did you know that Jasper?"
"Um, hi, Esme, Carlisle," I said reaching out to shake each of their hands. "No, I didn't know that, I mean, well, I knew Rosalie and Edward were cousins but I didn't know the family dynamics." I said, trying not to sound anxious or nervous while speaking about Edward.
"Oh, Jasper, are you and Edward friends?" Esme asked with curiosity.
"Mom, I told you they knew each other." Rosalie clipped out.
"Alice, dear, you look positively radiant tonight. How are you doing, dear?" Esme said to Alice.
"I'm good, Esme. And thank you, this is one of my originals" she stated to Esme and they started a whole conversation about clothing and something else but I tuned them out. I was focused on the door that Edward and Bella had just walked in through.
His arm was around her lower back and she was leaning in to him, like she was nervous or uncomfortable.
He looked absolutely stunning in his suit and tie. His hair was a little longer and he had some sun on his normally rather pale skin. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was like a cold drink of water in a dry desert. My memories of his beauty didn't do him justice. He was shining with love and it tore my wounded soul open and left me bleeding just seeing him.
Bella looked over and caught me staring, she tensed, and her eyes hardened minimally but seemed almost afraid. She looked away and quickly whispered something to Edward, as he then looked up and saw me staring at them. I couldn't help it; I couldn't take my eyes off either of them. Edward offered me a tentative smile and then turned them away to greet some other members of the dinner party. I finally looked down to see Alice still staring at them, as well. She then glanced up at me, trying to smile but there was a hint of moisture in her eyes.
I closed an arm around her back and lead her to the table where Rosalie had place cards with our names. "Do you want a drink," I asked her.
"Yes, please, red wine." she whispered out, while focusing her eyes on her hands in her lap.
I walked over the bar area where Emmett was standing.
"A glass of red wine and a whiskey on the rocks with a splash of water, please?" I told the bartender.
"Man, hitting it a little hard already, aren't you?" Emmett inquired.
"Yeah, well, Alice is having a rough time and it's got me a little on edge. I'll be fine, Em." I hoped he wouldn't ask anything further. I didn't have to worry because about that time Edward appeared on the other side of Emmett.
"Hey Em, hey Jas" he said motioning for the bartender. "Hey," we both replied.
The bartender returned, set my drinks down and asked Edward for his order. I picked up both glasses and hurriedly walked back to the table. I couldn't stand there and chat with him. What was I supposed to say? I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to drag him in the backroom and have my way with him, reclaim him as mine. Walking away was the only thing I could do in that moment. I felt like a coward.
I was ready for this evening to be over and it hadn't even really begun.
I set Alice's wine glass in front of her and sat in my own chair as everyone else starting taking their seats around the table. Rosalie and her parents were directly across from Alice and I, which I was thankful for. Edward's mom and dad were seated next to them. Emmett's parents were in between Edward and Bella and Alice and I. I was thankful for the chatter going on so that I couldn't hear their end of the table's conversation.
Rosalie and Emmett stood at the head of the table and Rosalie tapped her fork on her wine glass to get everyone's attention. Emmett cleared his throat and suddenly looked very nervous. Rosalie put a hand on his arm, whispering something to him.
"Hi everyone, Rosalie and I are so glad that you could all join us tonight. We have some news we'd like to share and since you all are the most important people in our lives, we wanted you to be the first to hear." Emmett said trying to sound confident; I don't think I've ever seen him so nervous before. Rosalie nudged him with her elbow.
"Oh, right. So I've asked Rosalie to marry me and we're engaged" he half shouted with a large grin on his face. Rose was beaming from ear to ear. Everyone started clapping, yelling out words of congratulations while I sat there in shock. I mean, I knew something was going on between them but I truly had been so enraptured in my own misery that I hadn't seen they were to the point of getting married.
"Alice," I whispered in her ear, "did you know about this?" Wondering how I could have missed something this monumental between my friends.
"I didn't know for sure," she replied, "but I suspected it was coming. Why do you think they've been apartment hunting?" She gave me a questioning look.
"I didn't realize they were apartment hunting," I said ashamedly.
"See, Jasper, I'm not the only selfish one in this little friendship, now am I?" she chuckled out at me.
I downed the rest of my drink and made eye contact with Rosalie. She winked at me and laughed at something Emmett said. Just then our food started arriving and various conversations started buzzing again.
"So Edward how was yours and Bella's trip to Florida?" Esme shot out across the table. So that's where the tan is from. I felt my stomach clench. They took a trip half way across the country together.
An edge of jealousy started coursing through my veins. "Great, Aunt Es, Bella's mom and stepdad showed us around and we went to Disneyworld and Universal Studios. It was so sunny and warm, I really didn't want to come back home." He excitedly responded.
"I guess it won't be to long before we're having a dinner like this for the two of you, huh?" Esme chuckled out. I turned in his direction to see him blush, duck his head and look up with the most brilliant light shining in his eyes. He glanced my direction quickly then responded to Esme "maybe, Aunt Es, maybe. I've still got a ways to go in school and so does Bella, but who knows what could happen."
I quickly turned to Alice telling her I had to go to the restroom, hoping like hell she didn't hear that conversation. "Jasper, are you ok?" Alice asked with concern.
"Yes, Alice, I'm fine. Just need to take a leak, ok." I tried to sound jokingly.
"'K," she said picking up her glass and finishing off her wine.
I headed out of the private dining room and down the hall. Trying to calm my breathing. Trying to get the images of Edward in a black tuxedo and Bella in a white dress out of my head. I reached the restroom and closed a stall door behind me, leaning against the wall. I stood there, attempting to get my breathing under control and calm my heart rate down. I took a leak, went out to wash my hands and opened the door to see Rose sashaying down the corridor. She walked up and pulled me back into a corner. "Are you ok? You shot out of there pretty quickly." She raised an eyebrow and questioned me.
"Sure, Rose, I heard your mom asking Edward about a trip to Florida and it just kind of threw me. I'm fine, I promise." I smiled as strongly as I could, knowing she knew the truth. "By the way, congratulations. Why didn't you say something to me sooner about you and Emmett?"
"Jasper, we've been dating since that day I came and dragged your ass out of bed, what was I supposed to do write you a note. You saw us together all the time. You and Alice, I swear, are the most unobservant pair...or well, you've become that way in the past few months." She told me trying not to sound accusatory.
"I'm sorry, Rose, I really am. But I am happy for you and Emmett, too." I genuinely told her.
"I know, sweetie, now let's get back to my party, shall we?" She smiled and we turned down the hall to return to the dining room. Just as Bella was coming around the corner. She looked shocked to see Rose and me and quickly tensed up continuing to walk our way.
"Congratulations Rose." She softly said reaching out to hug her. "Hi, Jasper, how are you?" she turned in my direction to face me.
"Hi beautiful Bella, I'm doing ok." I said, trying to keep it light and even.
"Are you and Alice dating?" She quickly asked. I wasn't sure why she wanted to know and suddenly felt very protective of Alice.
"We've been spending time together." I tried to sidestep a direct answer but didn't want her to know the extent of mine and Alice's friendship.
"Oh, well, I'm glad you've both found each other. Will you tell her that I miss her?" She looked at me, suddenly seeming very small and fragile.
"Sure, Bella, I'll tell her." I tried to gently say.
"We need to get back to the party; we'll see you back in there, Bella." Rose thankfully stepped in to alleviate any further inquiries.
We returned to the room just in time for Alice to be making a round of goodbyes to all the family members she'd known most of her life. She saw me and frowned, nodding towards the door. I nodded back and waited for her just inside the door. Just as I turned to leave, I glanced in Edward's direction as he saw Alice place her hand in mine and I saw a small glint of hurt in his eyes. I quickly dropped my eyes and walked Alice out of the room. I hoped we wouldn't run into be Bella before we made it out of here.
We climbed in the car and before we were out of the parking lot, she burst out in sobs. "WHY? WHY DID HE HAVE TO CHOOSE HER OF ALL PEOPLE? She was my best friend, Jasper. He never even gave me a chance." She yelled out, trying to wipe the tears off her face. "And did you hear that they went to Florida together? I mean what the hell is that all about? And Esme asking if they were getting married? Our mothers always joked about us getting married and how our wedding would be the wedding to end all weddings." she continued to rant.
"Alice, I don't know how all this happened. But he's moved on with his life and you have to do the same, do you hear me?" There was no way I was going to relay Bella's message to her. I hated keeping secrets from her but in order to protect what was left of her heart and mine, I felt it best to tuck another one away.
"Let's get you home, get comfy and enjoy a few bottles of wine," I told her, hoping to help her realize she wasn't alone. "I'm not going to let you doubt how amazing you are because some guy didn't recognize it," I firmly told her.
"What would I do without you, Jasper?" she cried, leaning over to put her head on my shoulder.
I couldn't think about that now. My thoughts were still back at that table and the look on his face when he saw me and Alice touch. He was jealous. My heart knew he was jealous. But was he jealous of Alice or me? I hoped it was Alice. And then felt like a shitty friend.
**Present Day - at the diner**
"What did you just say, Jasper?" Bella angrily asked.
"Bella, please just hear me out. That's all I ask. Before you jump to any conclusions, there are some things I need to tell you about. Some of it might not be easy to understand, but you just have to trust me." I kept my eyes on her as she turned to glare at Edward.
"Did you put him up to this?" She whisper yelled at him.
Edward's eyes grew wide and shock registered on his face at her accusation.
"Bella, I haven't talked to Jasper since the last time we ran into him at that fashion gala, what , a year ago?" he said matter of factly.
"Well then what the fuck is this all about Jasper. Don't bullshit me. Edward and I don't keep secrets," she said aiming her accusatory tone in my direction now. She realized and knew that I had never told Alice about Edward and I. "If something's going on, you better be completely fucking honest with me, 'cause I can tell you right now, I'm ready to get up and walk the fuck out of here."
Over the years, Bella had grown up, gained confidence and come out of her quiet little shell. I alwasy attributed that to Edward's doing. But even he seemed a little taken aback by the force of her words and tone.
"Bella, please, calm down and allow me to explain myself and my request." I asked, trying to sound gentle and non-threatening.
"Jasper, why now? We're married. We're happy. I thought you and Alice were together?" Edward inquired, pulling Bella back into his side.
"Edward, Bella, honestly, I just need you to hear me out. I am not trying to break up your marriage or destroy your happiness. Can I tell you my story?" I said looking between the two of them as they looked at each other. Slowly, Bella nodded her head and Edward turned back to me. "Ok, Jasper, tell us."
"First off, you should know that Alice and I HAVE just been friends for the past few years up. Recently though a few things have happened to change that and we're both ready to move our relationship to the next level. However, there's something from my past, something that I haven't been able to resolve and it's preventing me from moving forward with Alice. I owe it to her, to myself and to my future to try and start a relationship completely free of my past. Which is what has brought me here, to both of you, tonight." I hesitated, knowing this conversation was about to get very hard for me to continue.
I picked up my coffee mug, took a drink and slowly lowered my cup back to the table, not ready to look up into either of their faces with my next admission about to voiced.
"I'm still in love with you, Edward. I've never gotten over you. I've never stopped wanting you. I never told you how I really felt about you. I never admitted anything to you, I think you knew but I was always to scared of you walking away therefore, I just didn't say anything." I said.
Finally looking up to see tears coming down Bella's cheeks and Edward's eyes closed. He tightened his grip on Bella, reaching his far arm out to wipe a tear from her cheek. She looked up at him with such fear in her eyes. He put his palm on her cheek and she leaned into it, closing her eyes. He turned to me with anger filling his eyes.
"Why, Jasper? Why would you think I needed to hear all of this now? Why would you bring me and my wife here to ask for a weekend with me? You knew when we ended things it was over, you knew how I felt about Bella. You can't just turn up three years later and attempt to regain something that was a fleeting relationship to begin with." He angrily spewed at me.
I was crushed.
He was angry. His words were like knives prickling every inch of my skin. He never loved me. I meant nothing to him and yet I'd held onto him all this time.
I was trying to find the strength to get up and walk away. This was never going to work. They would never consent. What the hell was I thinking? I started to scoot out of the booth seat.
"Jasper, wait." Bella quietly said. "There's more, isn't there?"
"Yes, Bella, there is." I said, sounding defeated.
"What else could there be, Jasper?" Edward angrily replied. I've never seen him angry and I've certainly never been on the receiving end of this tone from him. My heart was about to explode out of my chest from the enormity of pain.
"Edward, you walked away from. We weren't done. That last night, I wasn't done. You told me 'nothing would change' and the next thing I know, you were walking away from me in the park. I am simply asking for the weekend I was promised. The closure I deserved. I need to end it on my terms, so I can release you for once and for all out of my system." I said, staring him directly into his bright flaring green eyes.
"So, you want a weekend alone, with Edward, to have sex with him so you can let go of him and move on to Alice?" Bella snapped at me.
"Something like that." I responded.
"What the hell do you mean something like that, Jasper? It either is or it isn't. I mean where do I fit into this little plan? I AM his wife. He is the only man I've ever been with and you expect me to just turn him over to you for a weekend of debauchery and vow breaking?" She almost yelled at me.
"No, Bella. The agreement would be on yours and Edward's terms. I do not want to destroy your lives. I honestly don't. But this is the only solution that I could come up with to give me the finality that I need to something that chaotically turned my life inside out over three years ago." I firmly stated.
"What do you mean, 'our terms', Jasper? You think I'm going to let you sleep with Bella, too?" Edward said.
"No, Edward. I mean simply that. As little or as much as you both might be willing to consent to , I'll abide by your terms. I will tell you that I was hoping we could go away for a weekend. I have a small beach out that I rent out occasionally; it's secluded, out of the way and would provide the discretion that this agreement would require." I said lowering my eyes to study my hands wrapped around my coffee mug.
"Edward, I think I need to talk to Jasper in private." Bella told him.
"Bella, are you seriously considering this? Don't I have a say?" He inquisitively said to her.
"Edward..." she trailed off and started staring at him conveying something with her eyes.
Edward's chin dropped to his chest. Something was going on here, something that leads me to believe that some type of discussion of this nature had passed between them before.
"Edward still has a desire for you, too, Jasper. He doesn't want to hurt me, but I've always suspected it and he's reluctantly confessed to me before that being with you and I together am a fantasy of his." Bella stated, rather matter of fact. Still looking at Edward, who had yet to look up at either of us.
"Edward, I'll say it again. Let me talk to Jasper, alone. You don't have to leave, just go up to the counter and sit for a while. I have some things I need to say to Jasper. Ok?" She pleadingly asked him, gently pulling his chin towards her so he had to look at her.
His face was a sheer range of emotions; desperation, sorrow and pain. They studied each other's eyes for a moment before he reluctantly gave a small nod to her.
She smiled, leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you, Edward." she whispered.
"I love you Bella, so much, so fucking much baby," he cried out to her softly. Putting his hand around her neck and crashing his lips to hers. It was a soft but forceful kiss.
I had to look away.
This was too harsh of a reality to be faced with, this closely, this all consuming box I was sitting in. How did I think I could go through with this, if this moment was too hard to endure? If it meant getting what I needed, then I'd have to figure out a way. I had to. My life was hanging in the balance, literally hanging in Bella's hands.
I wasn't sure I was prepared for what she had to say to me.
But there was no turning back now.
Chapter 4
**Present Day – at diner, in the midst of the conversation**
What had I done? How had I gone through my life totally unaware of this obvious path of destruction I was leaving behind?
**3 years ago**
When I started becoming interested in girls there was never just one that stood out to me as someone that I had that special connection with. I know that lots of guys have sex with girls that they like just to be able to have sex. I wasn't one of those guys. I guess watching my parents be happily married and so in love had kind of skewed my values in that respect.
I was content with as little as I was getting because I knew when I did meet that someone special, I'd just know. So imagine my surprise when Jasper walked into the room during my first college class. I'd never considered myself to be gay because I definitely loved women but there was something about him that just drew me in.
He was tall with blond messy hair, kinda like mine, that fell just below his chin. He had these amazing blue eyes, long legs and broad shoulders. I was instantly attracted to him. I wondered if this was a side of myself that I never realized and maybe that's why sex with a girl never seemed like a means to an end for me.
I watched him for a few weeks, hoping to see him around campus. I had spotted him a few times in the cafeteria area, but he was always with some big guy I didn't know. I thought I'd seen him in the music hall one day but by the time I got everything put away, he was gone, if it had even been him.
So when a few guys from back home mentioned a party, I said I'd go in the hopes that he'd be there.
Imagine the elation I felt when I walked in and there he was. I made my way across the room to Tyler only to find out that he and Tyler had been friends all along. I tried to measure him up and figure out what kind of guy he was. We had a lot in common and he confirmed that he'd been in the music hall that day I'd seen him. I was thrilled with how this was going. I'd also never had such a raging hard on in all my life.
There were a few times throughout the night when we'd touched and I felt ecstatic that he never seemed to pull away or move away from the interactions between us. If anything, we were drawn to one another like magnets. It excited me and terrified me at the same time. This was all so new to me.
Sure, I'd messed around with a few girls before, I was a guy after all. Eating pussy I could do. Having my dick sucked, no problem. But sex, well that was whole different ballpark that I hadn't ventured into. But thinking of getting Jasper naked and putting my cock up his ass stirred up a hornet's nest in my groin. I wanted him and I think he wanted me too.
We set up a time to get together the next day to play guitars in a private studio in the music hall.
I called Rosalie as soon as I got home from the party. She was my cousin and pretty much my best friend in the world. We'd grown up like brother and sister rather than cousins. She was a little over a year older than me and I absolutely adored her. I also knew that I could talk to her about anything and everything. She was very good at feeling me out and calling me on my bullshit when I got a little out of control. This was going to be a very interesting conversation, that's for sure.
"Hey Ro, how was your night?" I asked.
"It was good. Had another date with Royce tonight." She gushed out. Royce was a guy she'd just started dating and I wasn't sure that I cared much for him yet. He didn't always treat her with the respect and care that I thought a man should bestow upon a woman. Especially a woman as beautiful and special as Rose is.
"That's good. Did you have fun?" I questioned.
"Um, no, not really. He got drunk and handsy again. He just doesn't know when to stop. I think I may have to break things off with him for good." This little tidbit of information made me want to go to New York and beat the crap out of this guy.
"Ro, you know that you deserve way better than that guy. But you know I'll support you, however you decide." I could hear her sigh and knew this particular topic was causing her lots of grief.I decided to move on to the real reason for my call. "I need to talk to you about something pretty serious. Do you feelin like talking now or should I wait 'til later?" I inquired.
"No, now's fine. What's up?" She sounded hesitant though.
"Ro, are you sure? I mean, it's kinda weird and if you aren't up for it, I'll understand."
"No, Edward, I want to hear what's going on with you. It'll keep my mind off this mess I'm in. So shoot." she said.
"Okay, so I think I've met someone. But it's not what you'd expect from me. It's got me spinning like crazy." I told her. "It's a guy that I've met. I mean, I've seen him around campus a few times and we have a class together and I don't know...I mean, I think I'm attracted to him."
"Wow, Edward. THAT I was NOT expecting. Are you sure about this? I mean, do you think you're gay?" She quietly asked.
"No, I don't think I'm gay. I mean, I still get turned on by chics so really, I don't think so. I think I'm just undeniably drawn to him and when I'm around him, I'm constantly hard. So that's got to mean something, right?" I was suddenly more confused than ever. Was I gay? I could be attracted to woman but not want to have sex with them, right? I don't know. Suddenly, I was very tired.
"Edward, you sound like you might just be bi-curious. It doesn't mean that you are gay or that you aren't. It just means that you've met someone that you are attracted to and you might want to explore your sexuality a little." She hesitated for a minute before continuing. "What's he like? Does he seem into you, too?"
"Yeah, I think he was interested in me too. I can't explain it but we were never more than a few inches apart all night. He's amazing. He's beautiful. He's caring. He's a musician, too." I told her.
"Well, the only thing that I can really tell you is that be careful. Use caution where engaging in anything with him. If you sense even the slightest hint of hesitation on his part, just walk away, Edward. This could be a dangerous situation." She warned me.
"But, if something does happen and he is willing to try something with you, you have to be honest with him upfront. If you aren't willing to have a long term relationship or engage in the open gay lifestyle, he needs to know before anything happens." She kept a stern tone in her voice and I could see her wag her finger at me, even though we were on the phone.
"I definitely know that I don't want a serious relationship but I don't want a one night stand, either. I couldn't take something like this lightly. I mean, come on Ro, you know how I feel about sex. Why do you think I haven't just given it up already?" I hoped I got my point across.
"So, what are you going to do?"
"Well, we have a date to get together to play guitars so I'll feel him out there. How do you think I should approach him?" I asked her, genuinely asking her for advice.
"Remember what I said about not forcing something to happen. If something is gonna happen, it'll happen naturally. Just feel him out and see where it leads you. I'm pretty sure you'll get a good sense, if he's into you or not." She stated.
"Don't force it, just feel him out." I restated her words with certainty, praying I could do exactly what she said. "That I can try and do. Alright, well, I'm ready to crash, so I'm gonna let you go." I started yawning suddenly realizing how late it was.
I tossed and turned all night long. Questioning myself about whether or not I was gay or not. Trying to understand the dynamics of what it was about him that just drew me to him. Yes, he was beautiful but that was on the surface. Something about him just seemed genuine, devote even...like when he looked at me, he could see straight through to my soul.
Was this just about sex? What if he fell in love with me? What if I fell in love with him? What if my family found out? Rosalie is like my sister and she didn't seem to weirded out by this, at all. But, my father...he would never understand. And my mother, she'd be crushed that there would be no big white wedding and tons of grandchildren being popped out.
I lay in bed, exhausted, recalling the events of the party. How his fingers felt when they touched mine. How his eyes lit up and smiled when we talked about our music. I found myself with my hand wrapped around my cock that was as hard as a lead pipe.
I started thinking about what it would feel like to kiss him.
What it would feel like to have my cock in his mouth.
What it would feel like to penetrate him?
As I blew my load all over my stomach, I knew that I had to find out and quickly whether or not Jasper was attracted to me.
If he wasn't, then I had made a serious mistake and would need to figure some things out within myself.
If he was, then I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to hold off all these intense sexual urges that I was experiencing.
I finally got out of bed, showered, ate some breakfast and sat at my piano. I played for hours, trying to ignore the clock on the wall telling me how much longer I had to wait to see him again. My fingers were aching which wasn't good since we were going to be playing guitar together. But it was worth the pain to get to see him again.
**Present Day – sitting at the counter alone**
What the fuck are they talking about? Why would Bella want to talk to him, alone? We've never kept anything a secret between us. I told her about Jasper and I just a week after we got together. It's killing me to think that either of them is in pain because of me.
What have I done to Jasper's life?
I've always known, kind of, that Jasper had deeper feelings for me. But he wore a mask. Most of the time I could see through it but he's had more than enough chances to tell me this shit over the years.
Fuck! Somehow I always find a way to make a mess of things without even trying...or do I? Is this my fault at all?
I mean, sure I love Jasper. I always will. But Bella, that woman is the absolute love of my life. She is my everything. I can't breathe without her. The blood runs through my veins only because of the love I get from Bella.
She's had insecurities since I met her but I've always tried to show her, tell her and make her fell how much I love her and how beautiful that I think she is. And especially how much that I KNOW that she is the one and only for me. But she has always doubted that she was enough for me, that she could make me happy for the rest of our lives.
One huge mistake I made was telling her about my fantasy. But we were sort of role playing one night and she wanted to know, since she'd conveyed her fantasy to me. I had no choice but to be honest with her about wanting both her and Jasper at the same time. I mean, they were the only two lovers I'd ever had, they were so different but I craved them both.
Yes, I still desired Jasper. Not out of love, although I did love him, but I wasn't in love with him. I knew I couldn't give myself to him for the rest of our lives. But his body, his cock, his mouth...there was no comparison. But with Bella I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life with her and I mean don't get me wrong Bella's tits, pussy and mouth were just as heavenly. Hell, I don't know…even thinking it to myself it doesn't come across correctly. But they were completely different, in all ways. I knew every aspect of both of their bodies and I knew there were others who wanted a piece of both of them.
Was she considering his offer? Seriously? I don't know how I even felt about his proposal. I know I definitely would NOT want him touching Bella sexually, at all. I was the only man who had ever laid a finger on her, in her or around her and I would not allow, ever, for another man to take that away from me. Regardless of whether or not it was Jasper or someone else. .MINE.
They are laughing? What are they laughing about? Why am I way over here, alone, while they are getting to discuss the aspects of what's going to or not going to happen to my cock?
Geez, how is Bella handling this? She went from weak, to shocked, to fiesty in a matter of minutes. She never fails to surprise me.
I know when he first asked she was a tiny bit excited. We've often talked about how it would turn her on to watch me with Jasper. She is a little kinky thing, let me tell you, she's into toys and crazy positions and places to fuck where we can get caught. But this, sharing me, actually watching someone else touch me?
I don't know if she could honestly handle it, without detrimental consequences.
And Jasper...the thought of taking him again or having him take me, let's just say my cock was definitely not opposed to that idea, at all.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. To many thoughts. To many scenarios. So much to lose.
**3 years ago – music hall, private studio**
When Jasper walked in, he took my breath away. I had never considered another man beautiful before but he truly was. He was so quiet, reserved, always watching and observant. It made me want him even more.
We chatted for a few minutes, decided on some songs and started playing. We laughed, sang, talked and played for hours. Just when I thought my fingers would start bleeding, we decided that was enough for the day.
I asked him if he had plans for the night, hoping to get something out of him. When he looked up at me and said he hoped we'd be doing something together, I knew. This was my chance. This was it, I had to walk out on that limb.
We held each other's stare as I closed in on him. It was an intense pull happening between us. I stopped an inch from him. I wanted to kiss him more than I'd ever wanted to kiss anyone before. I told him to stop me if this wasn't his thing but he made no motion to move, if anything, he leaned in slightly. I took my chance, placed my hands on his hips and kissed him.
It took less than a second for the fire to shoot right through my skin...next thing I know I'm up against a wall and feeling every inch of him up against me before he falls to his knees. My head is spinning and my heart is flying up against my rib cage.
When he puts a single kiss to the tip of my cock, I almost came right then and there. He made no short time of pulling my throbbing dick into his mouth sending jolts of fire spiraling through me. I think I blacked out from the overwhelming sensation of it all. He directed me to put my hands on his head, in his hair and I couldn't stop the desire to just fuck his mouth. Oh my god, his mouth wrapped around my cock was at that moment the single greatest sexual experience I'd ever had.
When I felt like I just couldn't hold off anymore, he opened his throat and I could feel my cum shoot down the back of his tongue. It was by far the most amazing orgasm I'd ever had.
I couldn't stop this now, I had to see it through. He ignited a passion in me, a thirst for more and a drive to just lock him in my bedroom and have my wicked way with him. He'd changed me forever.
After I came down off my euphoric high and things mellowed out a bit, I didn't want to let him go. But I needed to step back a bit and regain my composure. I kept remembering the words that Rosalie had told me and I felt bad for not taking it a little slower.
He was scared that I'd leave him high and dry. This terrified me. I could see something in his eyes, a deep yearning, an endless desire and once again it felt like he could see straight through to my soul.
We made plans to meet up at my apartment and I knew that I had to lay it all out there on the line before I got caught up in this with Jasper. I didn't want to hurt him or get myself hurt in the process.
When I left the music hall, my thoughts were all over the place. What had just happened? I had no regrets, of that I was sure. But I sensed something greater shining through in Jasper and I wasn't sure if I could stop myself from needing him just as badly as it seemed that he needed me.
Suddenly, this didn't feel like it was just about sex anymore.
**Present day – still sitting at the counter, alone**
I sit here watching them talk. I can't see Bella's face. That bothers me. I love her face. I could stare at her for hours but it's about more than her sheer beauty. It's about the emotions that she conveys within her face and the expressions that shine through her eyes. Fuck, I love this woman more than life itself, how I can be sitting her even contemplating having sex with Jasper again?
I see Jasper reach across the table and Bella's hand slides across to meet his hand. They clasp fingers. I'm intrigued. Nothing about it seems sexual. What am I missing here? Are they bonding? Have they come to an agreement? Could Bella actually finally let her guard down where Jasper is concerned?
I've missed Jasper for so many more reasons than our past sexual history. I loved him. He was my best friend first and foremost. We shared so many common interests and we had things to bond over. Losing him tore me up because I missed my friend. I remember that period of time as the best and worst time of my short life so far. I mean it was the best because Bella waltzed into my life and I knew that I'd never let her go. But it was also the worst when I ended things with Jasper, because I had assumed we'd remain best friends, just hang out casually. I guess I underestimated his feelings for me and now felt stupid for thinking we could end an extremely intense sexual relationship and still keep the casual friendship.
But I guess the old saying goes "Having your cake and eating it too" is too good to be true. He watched me walk away and that's the last conversation he and I had for months. He dropped out of the class we'd had together, he'd changed his phone number, he avoided all the hangouts that we'd shared. I was crushed.
I'd always suspected that he was in love with me. I could see it in his eyes but he'd told me several times that I was wrong. So I eventually let it go. I just assumed that I was another notch in his belt, that it was a fleeting stop on his journey of life. But now, sitting here watching him and my wife discuss a possible weekend away to close the door on his love for me; it hurt my heart.
If I'd known all those years ago, I don't know what I would have done. I would not have taken the chance at losing Bella but he was my friend and I did love him, too. What could I have done to ease his suffering? I don't know and it's too late to second guess it now.
Jasper looked over at me and made eye contact. A smile crossed his lips and he motioned with his head for me to return. Suddenly, I felt very sick to my stomach.
**3 years ago**
When Jasper showed up at my apartment that first night, I wanted to jump on him and drag him off to my bedroom. But I knew I couldn't. I knew that we needed to talk first.
I tried to be as honest and upfront with him, although to be honest, I was half way lying to him. I was already experiencing emotions and feelings for him that I'd never had to deal with. So I knew that I had to tread lightly on how I spoke to him.
Once we talked and agreed that this was just a 'thing' between us, the chemistry zinged around the air in the room. It took all of twenty-five minutes, from the time he walked in the door, for us to wind up naked and in my bed.
Seeing him naked, giving himself so freely to me was one of the most cherished memories I'll ever have. He was gentle, he was passionate, he was timid in how far he pushed me. But when he entered me for the first time, my mind exploded with sensations that I never knew existed. I felt whole. I felt complete. I felt cherished.
He took me slowly, building the flame to ignite a full fledged fire before roughly man-handling me and showing me something I had never seen before. I couldn't wait to wrap my mouth around his cock, which I did while we showered. His taste was unbelievable. It was salty and hot unlike pussy that is wet and sweet...the first time I opened my throat and felt him cum hard, thick and forceful, I knew I would never get enough of him.
He was mine.
I was insatiable. He was insatiable. We pushed our bodies to the limit. I don't remember much about those two and half weeks except my overwhelming desire to feel his bare skin, in some form, on mine.
When I discussed this with Rosalie one night, she questioned if this was how I saw myself living for a permanent lifestyle. And honestly, at first, if I thought that I could have Jasper this way, all the time, forever, I would have been happy. But there was a small something missing.
I started thinking about how life would be if I lost Jasper. It hurt my heart to imagine it. I had spent several nights just watching him sleep and praying for an answer. Little did I know what kind of answer I was going to receive less than twenty-four hours later.
I left him in bed after a night of extremely passionate love-making. I had felt a shift, a desperation between us that had never been there before. Jasper was especially clingy, like he couldn't touch my skin enough, not that I minded but it had me worried. Was he trying to tell ME goodbye?
As we lay there, staring at each other, we both ran through a gamut of emotions, I hoped he could sense the great amount of love, desire and adoration that I had for him. It was the single most intense non-sexual moment of my life. There are moments in life that it still haunts me about all the unspoken words from that night.
When I picked up Rosalie from the airport it was hard leaving him, naked, sprawled out on my bed. But I had missed my cousin and I needed some time to just talk about this with her. To have her help put some things in perspective. Rosalie was amazing at staying out of my business until I asked her to step in, she was blunt, she was harsh but she spoke the fucking truth as she saw it. Which I appreciated, immensely.
She could immediately sense that something heavy was weighing on me.
"Edward, what's wrong?" She finally asked, as we got in the car to head back downtown.
"Rosalie, I'm in this thing deep, deeper than I even imagined. I've been thinking and waiting for a sign that this is wrong that it isn't how my life is supposed to be. There haven't been any." I told her, honestly.
"So you have taken it to a full on relationship with him?" She questioned.
"Ro, I think I'm in love with him." I whispered out to her.
She was quiet, tense and I wished that I could see her eyes behind her dark shades.
"Have you told him how you feel?" She inquired, finally, breaking the unbearable silence.
"Not exactly. I mean, I had a conversation with him where I told him I loved him but no, I've never outright verbalized that I am in love with him." I conceded.
"And him, how does he feel? Has he declared his feelings for you?" She said, turning to look at me.
Thankfully, I was driving and didn't have to face her so she couldn't see the look of disappointment on my face.
A simple 'no' was all I offered her as a response.
Silence. Again. I hated fucking silence, at the moment.
"Here's how I see it. You were honest with him upfront. You've spent almost every day together, right? So that has to mean something. I mean, you don't think this is just a game for him, do you? Has he given you that indication?" she asked.
"No, I definitely do not think this is a game for him. That just isn't his style. Yes, we've been together every single day and night since we met. The only time we're apart is when we have had school or social obligations to take care of." I answered confidently.
"Well, the way I see it," she paused, thinking,"is that you should leave well enough alone. Let him call this one since you told him upfront what your expectations were." She finished saying and took a deep breath, smiled and said, "Let's go eat, I'm starving. Plus we have other things to talk about, such as Alice."
Good grief. I forgot we were hanging out with Alice tonight. Alice is a perceptive little thing and I can't even begin to think about what she'll think about Jasper's presence. Alice and I had history. A whole fucking lot of history that I didn't even know we'd had until she moved off our senior year.
**5 yrs ago**
Alice and I had been friends since we were out of the womb. Our mothers had been best friends growing up so it was only obvious that we'd be friends too. Living in forks with a small population it was only natural for both girls and boys to all hang out together. I had always loved being friends with Alice, where I might be introverted she was most definitely extroverted. I was in band, she was a cheerleader. I took Art classes, she took Theater classes, but that's how our friendship worked.
I always thought of Alice as a little sister, even though technically she was a few months older than I was. But where I was well over six feet tall she was pushing five feet which always made me slightly protective of her. If I ever felt like she was putting herself in a situation that was dangerous or hanging out with people I didn't completely trust I would tag along or show up where she was, so I could keep an eye on her.
I had started to suspect that her feelings for me had changed somewhere along our freshman year. Our families had taken separate vacations that summer and after returning from a month long trip to Europe with my parents Alice was acting very different around me. And her body had seemed to blossom overnight. She was no longer this little person with a stick body. Sure, she was still short as hell but her body got curvy and her boobs starting showing. She changed her clothing style to tight tops, short skirts and high heels. And every chance she got she was bending over in front of me.
At first I was very confused so I went to talk to Rosalie about it because it was wigging me out a little.
I showed up at my Aunt and Uncle's house and found Rose sitting on her bed painting her nails. "Hey Ro, what's up?" I tried to ask casually.
"What does it look like Einstein?" she chuckled out at me.
"So can I talk to you about something?" I questioned.
"Edward, you dope, you know you can talk to me about anything...what chic is it now?" She laughed out at me.
"It's Alice."
"Oh really?" she asked hiking her eyebrow high in question.
"Well, something weird is going on with her and I wondered if it was just me or if there really is something going on with her." I suddenly got very nervous about what she was about to tell me.
"Alice is acting like a fifteen year old girl who grew up over the summer. What's so weird about that?" she inquired, laughing in her eyes as she stared at me.
"Ro, I think she likes me. Like 'like me' likes me. And it's kinda freaking me out. I mean, she's always been a little sister to me, we're best friends. I don't want to see her that way. Boobs or not." I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air.
Rose started laughing at me. I was still confused and really worried I was about to lose my best friend.
That was the first of several conversations we had over the next couple of years about Alice's feelings about me. But then Tyler came along and swept Alice off her feet, or so I thought. They started dating and because I was good friends with Tyler, I trusted him to be respectful of her. They didn't date long and she moved on to Ben, then Mike, then Brady. None of them lasting more than a few weeks.
Our friendship remained intact, or so I thought.
The beginning of our Senior year a family friend moved into town. I had known Tanya practically my whole life. Our dads had been college roommates so we often went to Alaska to vacation with them and vice versa. I had always been somewhat attracted to Tanya. She was beautiful, funny and she seemed to get me, too.
So when she moved to town, we instantly hit it off. Then we started dating. Tanya was the first girl who let me feel her up, she was the first girl to let me eat her pussy and she was the first girl to suck my dick. But, I wasn't in love with her and I refused to have sex with her. That fact, however, did not go over so well with her.
Soon, she started fighting with Alice, which caused a strain on mine and Alice's friendship. We stopped hanging out, we stopped calling each other every night, in fact we hardly saw each other.
Alice knew how I felt about sex, how I wasn't going to have sex just to have sex. But she'd overheard Tanya telling some of the girls in the gym locker room all about how we were having sex multiple times a day and how good I was in bed. She had come to me to try and convince me that Tanya was up to no good and what she'd overheard.
But I had known Tanya a long time and I trusted her. I didn't know why Alice was saying these things about Tanya. Something happened and the next thing I knew Alice was transferring to a private school in Port Angeles. No goodbye, no explanation, she was just gone.
A few weeks later, I caught Tanya with Tyler's dick in her mouth in the janitor closet at school. I promptly broke up with her and instantly felt guilty for not believing Alice. But what was done had been done. I couldn't go back and change it now.
I didn't see Alice again until right before we started our freshman year in College. Things seemed almost back to normal between us. I could tell that she was a little guarded with me but I just assumed it was because so much had changed over the last year for both of us. We never talked about Tanya or anything that happened. She seemed like she was over it, so I just let it go.
**3 years ago, night of Bella's introduction**
After Rose and I had lunch and talked, I felt better about everything going on with Jasper. I knew that I just had to keep it all in balance and step back from the overwhelming emotional aspects of this thing.
I picked up the phone to call him and find out when he'd be here. This was the longest that we'd been apart in almost three weeks. I missed him. I ached for him.
I couldn't wait to see him again but knowing that Rosalie, Alice and the friend that Alice was bringing would be here, I knew I'd have to reel it in. Not being able to freely touch, kiss or hold him would be hard. This will be a true test of how far I was willing to go in this relationship, out in the open.
"Ro, do you know who this friend is that Alice is bringing?" I called out to her while she was putting on her makeup in the bathroom.
"Not really, I know that she's Alice's roommate but that's about it. Alice said she's a sweet girl but very shy and needs to get out and meet people." She called back to me.
Just then there was a knock on the door. I took a deep breath, preparing to come face to face with Alice and her friend. I pulled open the door and was not prepared at all for what was waiting on the other side.
"Hi, Alice," I said while catching a glimpse of her friend.
"Hi, Edward, can we come in?" She laughed out. I was standing there blocking the door, completely blown away by this beautiful girl standing on my porch. She had long mahogany hair down her back, hardly any makeup and these beautiful brown eyes. She looked very tentative, stiff and very uncomfortable.
"Yes, sorry, yes, please come in." I stuttered out. We walked into the living room and finally Alice turned to me and said, "Edward, this is my friend, Bella Swan. Bella, this is my childhood friend, Edward Cullen."
She slowly put her hand out to shake my mine. I grasped her hand with both of mine and shook it. Her skin was soft as silk and her hand fit in my perfectly.
"It's very nice to meet you Bella." I smiled and hoped she saw my interest in my eyes.
She very quietly responded, "Nice to meet you too, Edward."
Alice chimed in "Where's Rosalie? Don't tell me she isn't ready yet?" Just then Rose called out, "I'm ready, just putting on the finishing touches, I'll be right there."
"This is a nice place you've got, Edward. And since I see your piano in here I know why you chose not to move into the dorms," Alice sighed out.
Thankfully Rosalie came into the living room, finally and they all started introductions and idle chit-chat. I was going crazy thinking about Bella sitting on my couch. I don't think I've ever met a girl as naturally beautiful as she is. She's so quiet and definitely out of place with Alice and Rosalie. But she had me mesmerized. I hadn't felt this attracted to someone until I'd met Jasper.
OH SHIT, Jasper's on his way here. He'll see right through me. I don't know that I could hide this enormous pull that I was feeling to Bella. But, I didn't want to hurt him either.
This might just be the sign I was looking for.
**Present Day – returning to the table**
I stood up from my stool and walked back to the booth. They were both smiling and seemingly relaxed. I ran my hand through my hair and slid into the seat next to Bella.
"You okay, baby?" I asked her timidly.
"I'm good, Edward." She smiled genuinely at me.
"So, what did you decide? Do I even get a say in any of this?" I questioned looking back and forth between the two of them.
Jasper sat up tall, took a deep breath and said, "Well Edward, we've come to a tentative agreement. But first we need to discuss some of our decided upon terms with you."
"Wait, what?" I questioned again. "Terms, what do you mean 'terms'?" I asked.
"Calm down, Edward, it's nothing bad, it's pretty good, actually," Bella smiled mischievously.
"Okay, I'm listening." I relented reluctantly.
Chapter 5
The three months following the dinner party seemed to bring a turning point for me and Alice. We spent the summer attempting to prepare for Rosalie and Emmett's wedding and the sure fire scene of running into 'them' again. We also found a mutual affection for movie marathons and star gazing at night.
After the semester was over, I had to find an apartment. Unfortunately, I didn't have an independently wealthy family like my friends, so I had to find a full time job and get an apartment. Alice took great pleasure in helping me find items to fill my new little 450 square foot studio. She called it studio chic...I called poor boy apartment. We actually had a lot of fun scouring through flea markets and sidewalk sales. We found some great vintage musical stuff to cover my walls and a lot of historical things that I came to love, too.
I was working at the campus museum and I loved every minute of it. Most days it didn't feel like work. There were days when I'd look up and realize that I'd been there almost fourteen hours and it was dark outside. I'd stop, pick up take out and head to Alice's where we'd eat, laugh and sit on her little patio enjoying the stars overhead.
Alice told me all about her childhood, growing up in small town Forks, Washington and how she couldn't wait to start her own design house showcasing her original pieces.
I told her all about growing up in Texas before my father retired and we moved to Seattle to be closer to extended family. I told her about historical sites I'd visited as a child on family vacations and how I couldn't wait to become a full-fledged museum employee doing research when I graduated.
We never discussed Edward. We never discussed Bella. They were a taboo topic that we both avoided at all costs.
I still saw him, every night in my dreams. I still recalled all the memories that I'd etched in brain of those pure eighteen days of bliss. I stretched my mind to feel every touch, every kiss, and every embrace in the throes of passion. It was pure hell but sweet sacrilege.
Rosalie had asked Alice to be her maid of honor. They'd been friends since they were born so it was only understandable that she asked. Emmett had asked his little brother Seth to be his best man.
However, Edward would be playing all the music at the wedding. So we were all aware of how stressful this day was going to be. I'd be sitting in the audience, alone, as would Bella.
Emmett was insistent that I attend his bachelor party and I was dreading it because mixing alcohol and Edward into a party did not sound like a good idea to me. It sounded like the worst form of torture. But I had no plausible explanation to give Emmett why I couldn't attend, so I had no choice. Emmett was my friend. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact.
Alice was having the same tormenting thoughts and reactions to Rosalie's shower and Bachelorette party. She'd even gone so far as to try and arrange a girl's weekend away with just her and Rosalie. But Rosalie hugged her and politely told her no. It was time for Alice to be a big girl and put that animosity to bed.
Rosalie had no idea how well we were both hiding our hurt. Or that we were both still mourning Edward almost a year later. We'd become very good at hiding anything but cheerfulness and improved spirits.
On morning Rose stopped by the museum under the guise of taking me to lunch. It was late July a mere three weeks before the wedding was to take place. At first I didn't think anything about her stopping by. She'd done it a few times over the course of the summer.
Rosalie had become the sister I never had. I knew she always had my best interest at heart and she was the one person I could let all my guards down and just be honest with who I am. So when she wrapped her arm around my bicep and started us walking towards the cafe, my hairs on my neck stood up.
"What's up Rosalie?" She seemed a little tense and pensive.
"Let's wait to talk till we get seated, alright?" She asked.
Now I knew something was going on and I got an overwhelming sense of dread. We entered the outdoor cafe, choosing a table away from everyone. The tension was thick in the air as the waitress came take our drink order.
"Just tell me Rosalie, you know I don't like you pussyfooting around with me." I told her.
The waitress approached, bringing our drinks and left with our orders.
Rosalie was staring at me with a look of pain on her face. She softened her eyes and blurted out "He's going to ask her to marry him this weekend."
I grabbed a hold of the table to stop from falling out of my chair. I don't know what I'd expected to hear from her but this was certainly not it.
Another sliver of my heart sliced away. It almost felt like my chest was hollow. I can't describe the pressure of the pain that shot around inside my rib cage. I gasped for a breath, dropped my face into my hands and rested my elbows on the table.
"Jasper, you knew this was going to happen sooner or later. How long are you going to continue to allow him rule your heart?" Rosalie demanded gently.
I didn't know how to answer. I mean, how do you explain that the one thing that made you happy was also the one thing that destroyed your soul?
I honestly didn't know if I could survive this.
It was a step of permanence…a girlfriend you can break up with, a live-in girlfriend you can move away from…but a wife?
A wife is a lot harder to sever ties with.
"Jasper, have you thought about what I told you all those months ago? About having a conversation with him and telling how you feel so you can release the bond he has over you?" Rose asked gently.
"Rose..." I pinched my eyes shut, took a deep breath and looked at her. "I don't think that's a conversation that I could ever have with him. You're the only person I've ever talked to about him and it was hard enough to admit it to you."
"Well, we have a bigger issue to deal with actually. I know that you and Alice have gotten close, so I need to ask you how much of her past that's she's actually told you about." she inquired. I was a little confused about the abrupt change in conversation but I had welcomed the chance to not have to focus on me or the 'situation' that Rosalie had just laid in my lap.
"Um, well, she told me about growing up in Forks, vacations, pranks ya'll pulled in High School, but I have a feeling that isn't what you are asking, is it?" I stared into her eyes, shocked that her beautiful blue orbs were filled with tears.
Just then the waitress approached with our food. After she walked away, Rose wiped a tear from her cheek and lowered her head.
"You see, Alice and Edward were best friends and neither of them really dated anyone at school. I mean they had your typical crushes and went on occasional dates but neither of them ever had a serious steady relationship."
"During their senior year, a new family friend moved into town. They were old friends of Edward's family. The daughter, Tanya was the same age as Edward and nothing but trouble. The whole reason she'd moved to Forks was to escape a mess she'd gotten into in Alaska. Well, Tanya had her sights set on Edward the moment she got into town. He'd known her all his life, so he just kind of fell into her trap, so to speak," she said as she retold me the story.
"They started dating exclusively and she quickly picked up on Alice's feelings toward Edward. She made life hell for Alice for a long time. One day Alice overheard her telling some other girls about all the sex she was having with Edward. Alice was furious. She knew how Edward felt about sex and just couldn't see him giving it up to Tanya." She paused and fisted her hand, looking at me with anger in her eyes.
"Edward didn't believe Alice when she told him. He questioned why Alice would come tell him all of this stuff but never questioned Tanya about it. It broke Alice's heart." She said then sighed.
"She told her parents that she wanted to transfer to a private school in Port Angeles and move into their dorms. Within forty-eight hours, she was gone. She didn't tell me goodbye, she left me an email, basically explaining what had happened but she was leaving and not returning." Rosalie looked sad and like she was remembering how it felt when Alice left.
"Alice didn't say anything to Edward. He questioned me for hours about why she left, about why she would say all of this about Tanya and if she had ulterior motives for trying to break them up. As usual, I didn't reveal any of Alice's secrets to him, it just wasn't my place." Rosalie still seemed shook up over the pain of losing her friend in such an abrupt and cruel manner.
"I lost my best friend and little sister that day. She moved away and didn't contact me again until right before she moved to Seattle for College. We never really discussed what happened; she's pretty tight lipped about the time she was away. I'm scared that I'll lose her for good, if she can't get over this, Jasper." She let a tear fall down her cheek as she looked me in the eyes.
This was all a new revelation for me and it helped me tremendously in understanding Alice a little better. He'd betrayed her for another girl, a girl he didn't really know when they were in High School. And now, now he'd betrayed her again with her new best friend, Bella, again, another girl he hardly even knew.
While I knew that Edward hadn't really betrayed her with Bella, that's how she perceived it, due to their past. It certainly helped me understand a little more of her behavior and
I knew how it felt to be that desperate for his love, though. I couldn't hold it against her.
"So you see, I'm telling you all of this because I'm not sure how Alice is going to handle this situation that's about to happen. I need you to help her make it through it. Please, Jasper, I'm begging you to make sure she's okay. I can't lose her, I just can't." And with that Rose completely broke down. I've never seen Rosalie anything less than secure and confident and it was shocking.
"Rose," I said pulling her into me "I would never, ever let Alice leave you that way again. She means the world to me and I'll do whatever I must to make sure she's okay, I promise." I told her, trying to get her to relax and trust me.
She sniffled a few more times, before leaning back into her chair and using a napkin to clean her eyes.
"I do trust you, Jasper. I know you love Alice, too. It's just that the two of you have become like family to me and I've tried so hard to help you both get over him. I hate seeing either one of you in pain." She sobbed out, crying again.
"Rose, I know that this whole situation hasn't been fair or easy for you. I don't know how I would have made it through all of this without you and to be honest, without Alice. In a way, I owe you my life for not letting me completely go under and drown in my sorrow. So just know I'll do whatever Alice needs me to do when the time comes." I stated confidently to her.
She straightened up, dried her tears and said, "I know that first loves are hard to get over, I do. But the two of you, well, you both fell in love with someone who is larger than life and absolutely the most unobservant man around, except in regards to Bella." She paused, took a deep breath and said, "I know that you do not want to hear this but, Jasper, you have to let him go. You and Alice both have to just stop this insane devotion you have to hold on to your broken hearts. You cannot move forward, either of you, until you just .GO." She stamped out at me.
I knew that Rose meant well. I did. But the thought of letting go of my memories and releasing him from my heart, well, that thought took my breath away.
I'd loved him for so long; I don't know how I would function without being washed over in feelings for him. To be free of it, at this moment, was unimaginable to me. He had a hold over me that was suffocating at times. And, if truth be told, I wasn't ready to let go of the possibilities that he could eventually come back to me.
**Present day - Discussing Terms**
"Edward, Jasper and I have had a nice little chat and I feel it is best if you hear what we have to say before any conclusions are made," Bella softly said to Edward.
"You're both acting as if I don't have a say in this at all," Edward said looking back and forth between Bella and I. He looked hurt, confused and shocked.
"Bella had a lot to tell me as far as her reservations are concerned about this whole proposal, so I want to say a few things to you first before we lay out the things we discussed, okay Edward?" I said, trying not to sound excited or hopeful.
"Fine, say what you have to say, Jasper," Edward said.
"First, I knew the day that you married Bella that you'd never return to me. I knew you would never be 'mine' again. I'm not asking for that. I do not want to destroy or hurt your marriage in anyway. That is not what this is about." I hesitated before going on. "I've loved you for so long, Edward; I just do not know how to release your hold on my heart so that I can move forward with a clean slate. Whatever the future holds for Alice and me, I have to go into it with an open and available heart." I said, looking straight at him hoping he could see the truth behind my words.
"But, Jasper…." he started but I cut him.
"No Edward, let me finish." I stated harshly. "I owe it to Alice to start with no strings binding me or pulling me away from her. I love her, I do and she deserves nothing but all of me, if I'm going to give myself to her. I cannot, in good faith, give that to her when I'm still yearning for you, in any way." I looked to Bella to see if she was still in agreement with me. She was nodding at me like prompting me to go on.
"I don't feel like I got the ending that I needed or deserved from you. The depths of my true feelings were never revealed to you. Now that they have been, I'd just like to say goodbye to you in the way that we should have, making love, saying it with our bodies what MY heart, at least, was feeling and closing the wound on a high note. Knowing that I'd given my all to you but it still wasn't good enough." I released the words feeling a little lighter and almost free of the chains that I'd tethered myself in for so long.
"So basically, Jasper, you wanted a goodbye fuck and that would have helped you in letting me walk away. Is that what you are saying?" Edward questioned.
"Something like that, yes. That's all I'm asking for now. The opportunity to have you again, to let my body say goodbye so that my heart will be okay in unchaining all the emotions I've kept bottled up all these years." I said as I ran my hand through my hair, hoping he'd understand what I was saying.
"And Bella, you're fine with this? This has to be driving you crazy, the thought of me being with him. Baby?" He looked to Bella with pure fear in his eyes.
"Edward, Jasper and I understand each other a lot better. There was history between the two of you that I altered when we met. While I am terrified of the consequences, I also know how much you love me and how solid our relationship is now. But this is ultimately up to you. You're the one that has to make the final
decision." Bella said calmly and matter of fact.
"Okay, let me hear your terms. He held up his hands to gesture his hesitancy. "I'm not saying that I'm ok with this idea but I'm willing to hear what the two of you have come up with." Edward said, sounding honestly scared.
**3 years ago - Preparing Alice**
Once Rosalie and I decided that we needed to tell Alice about Edward's proposal together, I felt a little calmer. Alice and I had never really opened up about our wounds that we shared in common and I just didn't think I was ready to have that conversation with her right now. If ever. I hated lying, in a way, to Alice about my past with Edward. But, I also knew that so much time had passed that it would ruin my relationship with her. She would probably never trust me again. She was my best friend and I chose to not say anything in order to save her pain and to save myself another loss of someone important to my life.
Rose and I met up at Alice's apartment after work that night. I'd grabbed a bottle of Alice's favorite wine and Rose brought some Chinese takeout from her favorite restaurant. Alice was sitting on the balcony drawing some new sketches for designs when we walked in.
"Hey guys, did we have wedding stuff to do tonight, Rose?" She asked, looking at both of us skeptically.
"Nope," Rose said, "We just wanted to hang out and talk, if you're cool with that."
"Sure, did you bring me some Orange Chicken?" She said with a smile as the smell of the food hit her. She walked into the apartment looking between me and Rose then scrunched her face up before her shoulders sagged down and she dropped her chin to her chest. We just watched for a second before she lifted her head, cocked it to the side and arched a brow at us.
"Just tell me, tell me now, you two look like you are armed for battle with the food and the wine and the unified solid front. .ME." She yelled out throwing her hands in the air.
"Alice, calm down, sweetie, we do need to tell you something but it's not the end of the world, okay?" I tried to say in a soothing manner. I walked towards her and ran my hands up and down her little arms. She raised her head with a look of sorrow in her eyes.
"What's he done now?" she whispered. "Has he gone and knocked her up?" She questioned never looking away from my eyes.
Rose stepped forward and pulled Alice towards the living room. "No, he hasn't knocked her up," Rose chuckled. We all sat on the sofa, I grabbed Alice's hand trying to calm her and let her know that I was there. I was by her side.
"Alice, Edward is going to propose to Bella this weekend." Rose said quietly studying her friends face with hesitation.
Alice drew in a deep breath, pulled each of her hands out of ours and slapped them down on her thighs letting out a long breath. "You guys, it's not like I didn't see this coming. I mean, Edward's an 'all-in' kind of guy. When he moved Bella into his place, I knew that eventually I'd be hearing about their engagement." She said forcefully.
I was still waiting for the anger, the rage, the yelling, well, honestly, the fit to happen.
"I'm over it. I'm sad that I wasted so many years pining away for him, for trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be to make him want me and mostly just for never being myself around him and telling him the honest truth about how I felt." She said as the tears started to roll down her cheeks.
This was definitely NOT the reaction that either Rose or I was expecting. I was so jealous of Alice in that moment. She was able to do something that I didn't know that I could ever do. She was ready to let go of Edward.
Alice started talking through her tears, "I mean, he's never been mine and I realized a long time ago he would never be mine. I always hoped he'd miss me enough to come to Port Angeles and drag me back home. But he never so much as showed that he missed me, in any way. I think I knew when he met Bella, he'd found 'the one' and I was more upset and angry at myself, so I acted out irrationally. I'm not that girl anymore. I missed him as my best friend and the fun that we used to have because of our history. But he's not the same as he was back then and I'm most definitely NOT the same either." She paused, stood up and started pacing.
"The problem I have now is that I can't go to Bella and tell her why I stopped being her friend. I was pretty shitty to her and left her high and dry. I'm a spoiled brat but I didn't know how else to deal with that situation. So, once again, I bailed just like in High School." Alice stopped pacing and looked at Rosalie, "Do you think either of them will ever forgive me?" she questioned.
"All you can do is try, sweetie. But, I think you should do it on your terms, when you're ready. Maybe at my shower you can talk to Bella a little." Rosalie suggested.
"No, Ro, that's your day and I won't bring my drama into your special day. Besides, will she even be there?" Alice asked.
"Yes, Alice, Bella and I are actually really good friends. She does miss you and she's never wished you anything but the best when she speaks of you." Rosalie hesitated looking back and forth between the two of us.
"You both have things from your past that you've clung to for so long that it's hindered your happiness in enjoying life and those around you. I hope you can both settle your matters and move forward on solid ground." Rosalie gently demanded looking sternly at the two of us, back and forth.
"Rose," I started to say.
"No, Jasper, I don't want to hear it. We've discussed this and until you man up, it's going to continue eating you up." Rosalie said as she slid over placing a hand on my knee. She leaned in to hug me and whispered in my ear "Please don't lose what's right under your nose for something that was a dream of long ago…."
Alice was staring at us with her head cocked to the side again. She narrowed her eyes at me and had this look of intense curiosity on her face. I knew she wouldn't drop this conversation anytime soon. I had no idea what I would tell her. But it wouldn't be the truth.
**Present Day - The Terms**
"As you've already stated earlier, I will not be having sex with Bella. That's the first term we agreed to easily." I told Edward.
"You bet your ass you won't be. Bella is mine, Jasper. Regardless of what happens or doesn't happen, I will always be the only man to have ever touched her. I would never agree to anything differently. But, I want to take that a step farther in saying that there will be no touching between the two of you. I know that sounds selfish but that's the only way I could concede to that term." Edward said very defensively.
"Edward, baby, this isn't about me and Jasper. But, if that's how you feel, I think we can both agree to that amendment to term number one." Bella said, placing her hand on Edward's cheek.
"Okay, so what's next?" Edward asked.
"I would insist that all contact remain with the three of us present. Regardless of whether or not the third person is involved, they have to be present and accounted for. No sneaking off and leaving me behind." Bella stated. "Basically, this is about my piece of mind and making sure that I'm comfortable with the situation. It scares me, as you know, Edward, of losing you to Jasper. Therefore, if I'm a part of it, even in watching, then I can feel like I'm at least involved. That eliminates all the crazy scenarios in my head that have the potential to drive me mad." Bella said while looking at me with a small smile on her face.
When we were talking, she was very adamant about this point; not feeling left out. I didn't want that but I also wasn't sure how big a part of this whole situation she wanted to play either. Until we got further into the conversation, that is. She shocked me for sure.
"Edward, I fully agreed with Bella on this term, just so you know." I quickly informed Edward. I wanted him to know and trust that I meant what I said that this was not about hurting his marriage in any way.
"Thank you for that, Jasper," Edward said then looked at me, hesitating before saying "And Jasper, how do you feel about her watching us?"
I chuckled a little, smiled and heard him laugh too, before I looked over to a very sheepish looking Bella. Her face was bright red. She'd had hesitated a little having a problem telling me at first. But eventually told me about her fetish for watching Edward masturbate and how once he'd told her about his fantasy, she couldn't stop thinking about watching him with me. It turned her on.
"Edward, I was shocked at first by her admission, but let me tell you, it turns me on a little." I told him honestly.
He pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. "Yes, she shocked me with that little tidbit of kinkiness, too." Edward laughed out. His smile was beautiful and I could tell how much he loved that side of her, as well.
"What else have you two come up with," Edward said, seemingly a little more relaxed.
"Absolutely no one can know about this arrangement, there cannot be any pictures, videos, or discussions after the fact. What happens in that cottage will stay there forever." I quickly told him.
Bella nodded and looked at me. She was smiling brilliantly. I really can see how she swept Edward off his feet without even trying. She is a beautiful woman, inside and out. Her mind is quick, her tongue is honest and her heart is full of boundless love and comfort.
"Jasper and I reserve the right to change the rules if either of us has a change of heart, at any time over the course of the weekend." Bella stated firmly.
"What about me changing the rules?" Edward asked.
"What would you change Edward?" I asked curiously. He suddenly seemed defensive
again, like we were ganging up on him.
"Well, nothing at the moment but don't I have a say in any of these decisions?" Edward questioned.
"Yes, Edward, you have the final say in everything. But just know that we would like to reserve the right to end it or change something, if we feel like we need to." Bella said quietly threading her fingers through his hand on the table.
He ran his free hand through his hair, closed his eyes and said "Is that all?"
"No, actually it isn't. Bella has requested that we use condoms with any intercourse that occurs between us. It's for her protection as much as our own. I can honestly admit to you that I know that I'm clean. I have only had sex with one other person since I was with you and I was tested directly after." I truthfully stated.
Edward's eyes got wide and he looked at me with a hint of jealousy, anger and hurt. "You slept with Alice?" Edward asked.
"No, Edward, I haven't had sex with Alice. It was a mistake I made when I was deeply depressed, drunk and trying to expel your ghost. I instantly regretted my actions the moment it ended and haven't allowed myself to engage in sex since that night almost a year and a half ago." I told him shamefully. The atmosphere immediately changed….the crackling in the air was consuming me. Edward's expression instantly morphed to sadness.
"Oh Jasper, what have I done to your life?" Edward said sorrowfully.
"Edward, don't, just don't. You didn't know. I had time and chances to be honest with you. I realized after that night, I couldn't fuck you out of my system unless it was you that I was fucking. It was stupid and I've regretted it since. That's my burden to carry, not yours." It soothed my soul to know that he did feel some remorse for the condition that he left me in. But I came to the conclusion that most of the damage was done by me, my stupidity in not telling him exactly where we stood with each other so I couldn't let him shoulder the blame completely.
"Jasper, how can I not feel some of the blame for that?" Edward said quietly, his eyes staring hard into mine. I could sense Bella pulling back slightly from his side. I didn't want that. I didn't want her to feel the pull between Edward and me and shrink away. I didn't want her to be hurt by something that wasn't Edward's fault.
"Edward, you were in love with Bella. You had gotten married that day. You were happy. You are still happy. I see how the two of you are together. I've seen you at the club, seen you dancing together. I feel the chemistry between the two of you. There is nothing for you to take the blame for. I did this to myself because I wasn't honest." I said, trying to keep my emotions in check because knowing that he still cared, somewhat was making me want to reach across the table and kiss him, feel his body pressed against mine, securing me to him as I've desperately longed for.
We all sat and stared at each of other for a few moments, before Edward finally looked away from me and towards Bella. She had a few tears rolling down her cheek. He instantly pulled her into his arms. "Bella, baby, are you sure this isn't too much for you? You mean the world to me, I can't lose you over this, please tell me what you are thinking." Edward cried out to her, never taking his hands or eyes off her face.
"Edward, I'm fine, really. This is a lot to take in and seeing that moment, right then, between the two of you….it scares me. I'm not going to lie, something that intense between the two of you; I could feel you pulling Jasper into you, like you pull me into you, too. I don't know if I can handle it, but sometimes we do things for the ones we love and pray for the best in the end." Bella whispered to him. "I know that I can't lose you. I know that you love me but I think that you, too, have some unresolved feelings for Jasper."
"Baby, no, no please don't think that. I've told you about how I felt about Jasper. I don't know if this is such a good idea. Honestly, I don't." Edward said, finally turning to look at me.
Bella sat up a little straighter, making eye contact with me and said "Edward, there's one more rule. It may not seem like much to you right now but having just witnessed that moment between you and Jasper, it's even more important to me now."
"What, baby?"
"There can be no terms of endearment between you and Jasper. No baby's, no loves, no honey, no sweetie. You are Edward. He is Jasper. Period." Bella said gaining some of her confidence back. "I am your wife; those are terms that you use for me and me alone. I might share your body with him but your heart and soul belong to me. I am your only baby. I am your only love. There cannot be any crossing of boundaries in that regard. I could not handle that, for sure."
As much as this one hurt to agree to, I completely understood Bella's stance on this issue. She was his wife. She was his baby. She was his love. I was just a guy from his past that he lost his virginity to.
**3 years ago - Post Alice non-breakdown**
Rosalie had eaten with us. We talked about things for the wedding, work and just life in general. Trying to keep it light and avoiding the near miss we had earlier. Rosalie went home and Alice and I opened the bottle of wine and sat down on the balcony for our nightly star gazing.
"Jasper," Alice hesitated for a brief moment, "what did Rosalie mean earlier when she was talking about letting go of the past?"
I took a deep, long breath. I truly did not want to have this conversation with Alice. I knew that she could sense it too. "Alice, do we really have to discuss this?" I asked hopeful she'd just drop it.
"Jasper, I think of you as my best friend, you've put up with a lot of my shit and my bratty-ness, so I think it's only fair that I try to help you out the way you've helped Me." she said, hesitating, "But if you don't want to tell me, it's okay. Just remember, I did have a guy for a best friend for sixteen years before you came along." She chuckled at me and slapped my bicep with the back of her hand.
"Alice, I appreciate that, I honestly do, but it's just not something that I feel entirely comfortable talking about even though I consider you my best friend, too. Don't you think that sometimes people can be better friends because they don't know every little detail of their friends past?" I asked, hoping she'd understand and not think that I was blowing her off.
"Yes, I do, but if there is something bothering you or someone is hurting you, I want to stop them or protect you from that pain." Alice said staring me in the eyes, showing me she meant every word she said.
"The only person I need protection from is myself, Alice." I honestly said. It was the truth. This whole mess was a result of me not guarding my heart and allowing myself to fall in love with someone who told me from the beginning that he wouldn't return the sentiment.
"Well, just know, I am here for you, no matter what. You mean the world to me Jasper and it would just crush me if you weren't in my life anymore." Alice said before reaching over and wrapping her arms around my neck.
I hugged her back, trying to fight back tears. "Alice, I feel the same way about you. You're a perfect distraction in the chaos of my ordinary life. Thank you for being my friend." I pulled back, looking her dead in the eyes as she returned my heavy stare. "Let's get some of this wine in our system and stop with this heavy emotional crap. We've got stars to discuss." She laughed out while handing the bottle of wine to me to uncork.
We were going to be okay and my secret was still safe. I breathed a little easier, finally.
**Present day - Conclusion of Terms**
"So those are the terms we've come up with. Do you have any questions?" I asked Edward.
"When and where is this weekend supposed to happen?" Edward shot out.
"The when is pretty much your decision," I waved my hands between Edward and Bella. "I just need a few days' notice to get the cottage squared away. However, I have inquired as to the availability for the next month and its open, since it's the off season. I'd like for it to be soon, but I understand that you might need some time to discuss this and plan for it." I said hoping to not sound too rushed about making this weekend happen.
"Edward, Jasper and I understand that this is a lot to take in and we've thrown some pretty crazy stuff out there at you. As well as I know that you and I need to have our own separate discussion. But we'd like you to think about it and give us an answer in the next few days." Bella told Edward looking at me for confirmation.
"Take some time to think this over Edward. Discuss all the issues or concerns you have with Bella. I gave Bella my cell phone number and office number, if either of you have questions, then she will contact me and we can either talk about them over the phone or we can meet in person again to get the answers you need." I told him, hoping it sounded like Bella and I were a strong unified team.
"I don't really know what to say, to be honest. Right now, I'm very overwhelmed. I just wanted to go out dancing with my wife tonight at our favorite club. Now, I'm sitting here with my ex-lover and my wife discussing a weekend of sex and infidelity." He paused. I could see the confliction on his face. "I don't want to cheat on my wife, Jasper." He honestly said looking at me with pain on his face that ran deep. He would never intentionally hurt Bella. It pains him to think of doing so. And then a moment of realization crosses his face, when he realizes that was how I felt when he left me for Bella.
Bella noticed his emotions, too. She reached for his face, pulling his chin in her direction. She cupped his face. "Sweetie, no one said anything about cheating. If I'm there and I'm involved, how would it be cheating?" She said softly searching his eyes, willing him to calm down and come back to her.
"We'll talk about all this at home, Edward. Stop thinking. Stop overanalyzing everything. Just let it all sink in for now and we'll discuss it at home, okay?" Bella calmly assured him.
"Bella, maybe we should call it a night, huh?" I quickly asked, needing a stiff drink and a long walk to sort through this night, myself.
"Yeah, Jasper, I think we should. I've got your number; we'll be in touch soon." She said while reaching her hand across the table and grasping my fingers. We had formed a bond; we had shared some piece of ourselves that hardly anyone knew about, if anyone at all did.
"We'll talk soon then. Goodnight, beautiful Bella. Goodnight, Edward." he nodded at me as he looked up at me standing from the booth.
As I laid a few dollars down on the table and started to walk away Edward reached out and grabbed my wrist. "I know this might sound weird, Jasper, but thank you for finally being honest with Me." he said as his eyes showed remorse.
"You're welcome." I said as I turned to walk away, hoping I could make it home before I fell apart.
Chapter 6
JPOV
**3 years ago - Night of the Bachelor party**
I had been dreading this night for months. I wasn't sure what to even be prepared for. Would Edward even try to talk to me? Would you ignore me altogether? Would he pretend like we were old friends? I just didn't know what to expect.
Seth, Emmett's little brother had just turned twenty-one, so he was a little inexperienced in the realm of adult parties and entertainment choices, so he had asked me for some advice on what to do. I had suggested renting a limo, for one thing, we didn't need a bunch of drunks hailing down expensive ass cabs or attempting to drive drunk. He really liked that idea. Then for entertainment he wanted to hit up some strip joints, I quickly nixed that idea. That wasn't my style, Edward's style and I knew most definitely that Rosalie would throw a fit even though it would be Emmett's style to visit a titty-bar.
I knew that Tyler would be there, so I'd have at least one other person besides Seth and Emmett to hang with and talk to. But Edward was a wild card for me at the moment. I just needed to make sure that the things we chose to do would keep several people involved at a time so as to create little opportunity for him to approach me. Being holed up in the limo with him was going to be hard enough, as it was.
We finally decided on starting at the batting cages, one of Emmett's favorite things to do. We'd then go to our favorite sports bar for some more beers and dinner before going to our favorite club, Melt.
Little did I know how pivotal that club would become to my life after this night.
I figured the club scene would be enough of a distraction with the loud music, sea of people and available alcohol. I could easily get lost when I needed to escape from being in Edward's presence.
Seth loved all the ideas and went about setting everything up with all the other guys. The limo was due to pick me up any minute now and I was pacing my studio trying to calm down. When Seth buzzed my door, I damn near jumped out of my skin. "Please let this night end quickly and relatively smoothly," I prayed.
When I got into the limo, it was almost full already. Emmett was pumped up, and full of excitement. He was loud and boisterous when he went around introducing me to his friends that I didn't know that were already in the limo. Brady and Garrett I'd seen around campus a while back and I knew Tyler and Eric. He introduced me to Ben and Mike who were from his hometown and had flown in for the event.
We still had to pick up Edward and Riley.
We stopped to get Riley before going to Edward's apartment. It would be the first time I'd been there since the last night we were together. I hadn't anticipated this, at all. I was trying to remain calm and downed a whole high-ball of whiskey. I couldn't let my emotions get the best of me, especially in this crowd. I also needed to move seats because as it was, I'd wind up directly next to Edward in the rear seat. I told Tyler to scoot over and I moved quickly once we stopped outside his apartment.
Just as Edward was standing at the doorway kissing Bella goodbye Riley's cell phone rang and he had to step out of the limo to take the call. His wife was 9 months pregnant and due any time, so he had to make sure he wasn't getting the call to head home. I quickly took his seat at the front of the limo, grateful for the distance I'd gained from where Edward would be sitting.
"Get a room" Emmett yelled while standing up through the sunroof. This caused Bella to flip him off and Edward picked Bella up and spun her around. I couldn't bear to watch and I certainly didn't want to see the glint of the diamond on her left hand. They'd been engaged for 3 weeks now, and I still didn't want to believe it. The girls were also having Rosalie's Bachelorette party tonight but they weren't going until much, much later, according to Alice.
Riley climbed back in the limo, slipped into my now empty seat and Edward climbed in behind him.
Several of the guys started congratulating him on his proposing and making jokes about him now having a noose around his neck, too. He laughed it off, saying hi to all the guys before finally making eye contact with me.
"Hey Jas, how are you?" he asked casually.
"I'm good. Congratulations on the engagement," I said raising my glass in a mock toast. I quickly swallowed the contents of my glass and poured another as he became involved with a sports conversation with Tyler. Thankfully it took his attention away from me and I was able to start a conversation of my own with Riley.
We arrived at the Batting cages and to say that Emmett was excited was beyond belief. You'd think he was twelve not a twenty-six year old College graduated about to get married. It's one of the things that I love about my friendship with Emmett. He makes me forget the troubles of my world and just have fun.
We all get out of the limo and I made sure to stay as far away from Edward as possible. Thankfully, I had Tyler and a few of the other guys to keep me distracted. We all get our bats, hats and divide up amongst the four cages that we have rented. I wound up with Tyler and Riley. Tyler's going on and on about this chic Lauren that he had met at Club Melt while Riley starts razzing him about hitting up on her. Tyler starts bragging about the blow job she gave him in the car on the way back to her apartment. It's definitely not a conversation that I care to be a part of, but I have to force myself to engage in it.
Riley starts talking about how he hasn't had sex in a few months because his wife has been on bed rest due to complications with her pregnancy.
Then Tyler starts in on me. "Hey Jasper, aren't you hitting that hot little piece of ass that you are always hanging around with?" he chuckles out.
"Um, no, actually we're just friends. I don't see her that way." I explained.
"Damn boy, are you blind? A hot little chic like that, I bet she's all kinds of tight and a good fuck." He replies.
"Come on Tyler don't talk about Alice that way. It's just not like that with us." I tell him with a hint of harshness to my voice. "She's a great girl and deserves to be treated better than that." I quickly state.
He starts laughing and slaps me on the back. "Okay, okay, I get it but I still think you're crazy for not tapping that ass."
I step into the batting cage, angry and wishing that I could walk away from this whole night. But I know that I can't so I just take my anger out on some balls trying to hit them as hard as I can to relieve some tension.
I hear Emmett whooping and hollering a few cages down and Seth and Edward laughing right along with him. That just causes more anger to surge through me.
Fuck my life! This isn't how I want to be. I want to be with Edward, enjoying the jokes, sharing my life. Instead I'm stuck in this cage of loneliness and despair unable to feel anything for anyone around me. Because the one person that makes me feel alive doesn't even know it and seemingly doesn't even care.
My turn ends and I exit the cage, I take my hat off, lay my bat back on the wall and head over the tables to sit for a minute. I've got to calm down and get my emotions back in check.
Just as I'm relaxed a bit, Edward comes walking up behind me having returned from a trip to the bathroom. Shit. I hope he doesn't sit down or try to talk to me. I'm not in a comfortable emotional space to make small talk with him.
He walks up and sits down on the bench a few feet from me. "Hey Jasper, you okay?" he asks.
"Yes, Edward, I'm fine." I say, never looking at him for fear of his green eyes capturing mine. I know I won't have any strength to stay away from him if I look at him.
"How are things going for you and Alice?" he asks curiously.
"For the record, Edward," I stop and sigh, closing my eyes, take a deep breath, open my eyes and turn to face him, "Alice and I are just friends."
"Jasper, has Alice told you that she and I used to be best friends?" He looked at me questioningly.
"Yes, she has." I stated.
Just then Seth walks towards us, laughing. "Hey guys, we're just about reading to leave. We need to get everyone back to the limo. We've got reservations at Crickets in thirty minutes."
"Alright Seth, I'll start rounding everyone up." I told him.
I quickly got up and headed towards the cages where Mike, Eric, Tyler and Ben were hanging out. "Come on guys, it's time to head to the bar." I said.
We all piled back into the limo and fortunately I was able to sit upfront while Edward was in the back with Seth and Emmett. I downed another glass of whiskey and tried to join the conversation with Ben and Eric. Soon we arrived at the sports bar. It was packed as the baseball game was on. Thankfully Seth had gotten reservations so we made our way to the private room in the back.
All the guys were talking about the waitresses in the little referee uniforms. I caught Edward staring at me a few times from the other end of the table. I would quickly look away, as I didn't know if I wanted to continue our conversation from earlier. And part of me was hoping he'd motion for me to join him in the bathroom, as that old memory surfaced setting my body on fire.
Yes, it still burns that the last time I touched him was the night he walked away. I don't think I'd ever be able to get over that. At times, I think it fueled my desire for him.
I saw him get up from the table and head towards the door. It took all my strength to stay at the table. Just then Emmett started hollering at me "Hey Jas, you up for some shots?"
"Sure Em. What's your poison tonight?" I asked with a chuckle.
"Patron, please!" He shouted.
"Let me see what I can do, who's in?" I asked the whole table. Once I had a count, I headed to the bar to order a round of shots. As I'm standing there Edward approached me.
"Shot time?" He laughed out.
"Oh yeah, Emmett requested some Patron." I told him, trying not to look at him. There was a bit of tension slicing through the air. I felt awkward being unable to turn and look at Edward. He had to have sensed it too because he cleared his throat and scooted a little closer.
"Hey, Jas, can I ask you something?" he asked cautiously.
"You know you can, Edward. I might not have an answer though." I smiled and chuckled at him.
"Did I do something to offend you? I mean, I thought we'd stay friends. And it's been, umm, uh, you were my best friend not just someone, well, you know." He hesitated and ran his hand through his hair, clearly having a hard time saying what he wanted to say. "Did you take it hard? Was there something I said or did to push you completely out of my life?" He sounded do sad and genuine. I had to look at him. I saw the hurt in his eyes. It made me want to melt into him.
"Oh, wow Edward. No, it was nothing like that. I just thought that with Bella in the picture it would make it easier to just move on. I mean, new relationships are intense and take up a lot of time. I just assumed you'd need to spend a lot of time with her and not want me hanging around all the time." I said, not looking at him for fear he'd see the lie in my eyes.
"That's really all there was to it? There's not something that you aren't telling me?" He questioned.
Firmly nodding my head, "No, Edward. Really, it was just like I said." I choked out. Just then the bartender put a tray of shots on the bar in front of me so I had a good excuse to walk away and get out of this uncomfortable conversation.
**Present Day – Walk home**
Did all of that seriously just happen? I questioned myself. I felt like I was walking on a cloud. There was so much that I had to think about; so much new information that I learned and had swimming around in my head.
Bella blew me away tonight. I never would have imagined her to be the person that I now knew her to be.
When Edward had first walked away from the table I was really scared of what she had to say.
"Jasper, do you know why I wanted to talk to you alone?" She quietly asked.
"I have a pretty good idea but why don't you just tell me, Bella." I replied.
"I have often wondered if you would ever stand up and try and fight me for him. And it's always been my greatest fear that you'd take him away from me." She told me, with a look of fear in her eyes.
"Bella, beautiful Bella…" I almost sobbed out. I never, ever wanted to hurt her. Especially to have her feel the pain I'd lived with for the past three years. He loved her. He had chosen her. He would never forgive me for hurting her. And, because he loved her, I knew in some way, I would too.
"Jasper, how will this really help you get over him? Don't you think it will just cut that wound wide open again?" She paused, looking at her hands before looking back up at me with tears in her eyes.
"He's one of a kind, isn't he?" she asked.
At that moment, I felt her compassion, her pity for me, almost like she felt the pain in my chest and was attempting to soothe it.
"Bella, darling, you have no idea how special I think he is." I said as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I truly wasn't sure that I could have this conversation with her. I opened my eyes to see her sincerity as she nodded her head.
"So tell me, Jasper. Make me understand." She said with a determined tone. "Tell me how having sex with my husband will bring you closure and allow your heart to be free of him. Because I would think it would only fuel your desire for him. I'll listen to what you have to say, but you have to be completely honest and forthright with me."
"Well, Bella, this isn't easy for me. I've never really voiced this out loud to anyone, hell, just admitting it to myself is hard enough most days." I said, willing my tears to not fall. I wasn't sure exactly how to say the words.
"It's okay Jasper. I'm not going to judge you or make you feel stupid for admitting your feelings." She quietly stated while reaching her hand across the table to comfort me with her touch. I think I saw what Edward loved about her in that moment. While I know that this had to be incredibly painful for her, she was trying to offer me support and encouragement to go on.
"I should have told Edward that I was in love with him." I stopped, talking to her about having sex with Edward wasn't easy but I had to in order to tell her why I had to have him again. "I tried to tell him every time we touched, with every kiss, with every movement I made with my body. But the words failed me. I couldn't verbalize them in his presence." My heart felt like it was going to explode with the anxiety coursing through me.
I released her hand, sat up straight and said, "He'd told me from the beginning that he wasn't in this for the long haul. I had agreed because I just wanted him, anyway that he'd let me have him. I didn't stop my heart from letting him in. It's like, I knew that he'd never be mine permanently but I hoped that he'd grow to love me and need me as much as I was completely dependent on him. I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him." I felt raw, open, vulnerable, even. My throat was dry and my tongue felt like lead.
"You see, Bella, if all I'd had was a moment with him, I knew that that moment would be enough to sustain me for a lifetime." I took a drink of coffee, letting the wetness coat my throat before attempting to speak again.
"But he offered me so much more and at times, I felt that maybe he was falling in love with me too. The night that you showed up, he promised me that nothing would change that he still wanted me, needed me…" I had to stop, I was suddenly very aware of the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks.
"Oh geez, Bella, don't cry. Please, beautiful Bella. He'll hate me for making you cry." I whispered to her, reaching across the table to wipe her cheeks.
"Jasper, I'm just sorry that you felt you had to carry this heartache for so long. I wish you had just been honest with him so you could have…I don't know, been happy, been free." She said with a soft smile.
"Bella, I know now that telling him might not have changed a thing. You ARE the love of his life. You are the light in his eyes that I never put there. It's you and you alone do that for him. Please don't ever doubt that. He would have never loved me or felt as complete as he does with you." I honestly told her. No matter how hard it hurt to admit this to her, it was the truth. It was evident in the way he looked at her and touched her. He cherished and worshipped her in a way that he never did with me.
"Bella, I need this weekend to have a chance to tell him goodbye on my terms. To know that I had the chance to show him the depth of my love, the devotion I was never able to verbalize. In order to release him, I need 'my moment' with him. I don't want to hurt you or him and I certainly do not want to destroy your marriage." I tried to show my sincerity through my eyes when I held her stare.
"Jasper, I really don't think this will destroy my marriage…we've got a bond that I know is strong. I love him with every ounce of my being and I know without a doubt that he feels the same for me.
Besides," she paused, blushed and looked down at her coffee cup.
"Bella?"
"Jasper, I kind of enjoy watching and the thought of watching you with him excites me to no end. It scares me too but honestly, knowing how much of a turn on it'll be excites me more." She gushed out.
Her face was bright red and she couldn't look up at me.
I laughed, completely in shock at what she'd just said. "My, oh my, beautiful Bella has a kinky side to her." I laughed again, reaching across the table to lift her chin to make eye contact with me. "He must really enjoy that side of you, huh?" I chuckled at her.
She giggled saying "Um, yes, he does, actually." Her eyes were on fire. In that moment, we clicked, we laughed a few minutes and then she cleared her throat. "Jasper, have you told Alice?" the mood suddenly turning serious again.
"No, Bella, I haven't. She has a history with Edward, you know. I just didn't feel like it was my place to tell her. And now, well, it's been too long, it would only hurt her now. I don't see the point." I exhaled, waiting for her to berate me for lying to Alice.
"You don't think she'd want to know? If you are in love with her, shouldn't you tell her everything, not keep secrets?"
"Bella, it's not a secret. She's never asked for specifics. That's not how we work. She asked a few questions, I gave the most honest answers that I could, at that time, she dropped it and we moved forward, as much as we could anyway." I didn't really want to tell her about my relationship with Alice. Not to be mean, but I felt a need to protect that from this whole proposal. She'd made headway in repairing her relationship with Bella, in small baby steps, but that was her situation to clean up. I didn't want boundaries, confidences and trust to be broken.
"Okay, Jasper, what are your terms? Because I have a few that I need to lay out there, too. But ultimately this has to be Edward's choice. You agree?" she turned all business-like and I smiled.
I fell in love a little with Bella tonight. Not in a romantic way but in a little sister type situation. I knew that this would take an emotional toll on her. But I also felt like it would be good for her in a way too. She had been so young and inexperienced when she met Edward. In a way, it might hurt their relationship but I felt in a stronger way, it might deepen their bond with one another, too.
But me, on the other hand, I was completely scared shitless. Watching them together was something I'd done for so long on an outward, unknown basis. Having to be a witness up close and personal to the chemistry between them, watching them make love, it might drive me insane.
But then the thrill of having Edward naked again, laid out on a bed, while I devoured his body, well my cock was rock hard just thinking of it. As well as thrill of turning her on while she watched he and I together, it was enough to make me cum in my jeans.
When I reached my apartment, I walked in and went straight to my room, shedding all my clothes and turning on the shower. I needed to just let this whole night wash over me.
I had done it, finally. I had confessed to Edward the depths of my soul and he hadn't rebuked me outright. Bella had embraced my hurt and not denied my request. I might be able to relinquish this noose around my soul and free up my heart.
I just had to wait for Edward, again.
**3 years ago – Rosalie's Bridal Shower**
BPOV
I hated having to go to this shower alone. The only people I would know there would be Edward's mom, Elizabeth, Rosalie, her mom, Esme and Alice. I'd never really met any of Rosalie or Alice's other friends. But I adored Rosalie and I knew that I had to be there as we would become family soon enough, as I was engaged to Edward now.
Me, engaged to Edward Cullen. I still had a hard time believing this wasn't all a fairytale. I never imagined I'd meet someone like him. He was insanely gorgeous, talented and I was completely in love with him.
When we'd first met, I really thought he was seeing someone. Alice didn't really give me a lot of details about him except that he was Rosalie's cousin and they'd all been best friends growing up together. She always seemed weirded out when I'd ask questions about Rosalie or Edward and had only briefly told me that she didn't know them as well anymore due to her having to move away from Forks her senior year in High School.
She never really seemed to want to talk about it, so I didn't push. I just told her that if she ever needed to talk about it, I was willing to listen. I adored Alice. She was completely opposite of me. I was plain and boring while she was vivacious and alive. So when she insisted that I go to dinner and a party with her and her old friends, I knew it was useless to resist.
I was shocked that Edward was paying so much attention to me that night. And when we started talking it was like I'd known him forever. We stayed up talking all night long. That was the first time in my life I'd ever done anything like especially with a guy and on top of that a guy like him.
When we parted ways that next morning, I couldn't wait to see him again. He'd told me he had something to take care of and it raised my suspicion that he had been seeing someone. It wasn't until a week later that he told me about Jasper. To say I was shocked would be an accurate guess. But, having gotten to know Edward, I kind of understood his curiosity with the experimental side of it.
I did however need a few days to process all that he'd told me. I was already in love with him by the time he'd told me and it hurt to know that he'd had feelings for someone just hours before he'd met me.
It made me feel like I had caused him to cheat on someone and I was full of guilt over that. He'd tried to reassure me time and time again that it wasn't like that. He'd had a fling with Jasper but there were no strings attached.
Even though I came to terms with it, I always felt like there might be a little more to it than had surfaced between the two of them. He'd told me that he felt love for Jasper but having been so new to the whole experience he didn't think he was actually in love with him. He said they'd parted on good terms but was crushed a few days later when Jasper practically disappeared from his life.
I always feared that Jasper would come back to fight for him. I was so deeply in love with Edward, I knew it would crush me if he left me let for Jasper. I wondered about Jasper and how he really felt about Edward. I mean, this was Edward-freaking-Cullen we were talking about. I can't see him just saying 'okay it's over, see ya around'….but Edward reassured me that was how it had been.
Now, here I am about to walk into the bridal shower and join my future family, and Alice. She just walked out of my life the day after I'd met Edward. No explanation. No details. No nothing. I came home from the library and her half of the room was completely empty. I was crushed. She was my only real friend here on campus and I had no idea what had happened. Then Rosalie came to see me. She and I talked for hours about Edward and how things transpired between us. I came to love her like a big sister. She didn't offer much in the way of explaining Alice's disappearance other than to say it was similar to what happened in High School. I figured that Alice might just be having a personal issue and that I'd just wait to find out if she was coming back again. I thought of her every day and missed her immensely when I wasn't with Edward.
As I walked into the bridal shower, I was greeted by Elizabeth and Esme as they gushed over my dress and admired my ring a few more times. It was their grandmother's ring, so I kind of understood their fawning over it. I often caught myself just sitting and staring at it, too. It was beautiful and perfect for me. Edward knew me so well.
Rosalie and Alice made their way to me, as well. "Bella, you finally made it," Rosalie giggled out.
"That dress is perfect for you, too, I knew it would be didn't you Alice?" A look of complete shock had to have been showing all over my face. Alice had helped pick out my dress? I didn't understand.
"Alice, you helped Rosalie pick out my dress?" I stumbled out.
"Actually, Bella, I made your dress," Alice said, smiling brightly at me.
"You did?" I questioned, still unable to understand this change in her demeanor. She looked genuinely happy to see me and almost like my old friend that I had missed.
"Yes, I did. I knew that you wouldn't want anything to flashy or showy and I thought that Edward would love that color against your skin tone." She said, coming across honest.
"Well, thank you, Alice. I do love the dress and Edward did, in fact, love the color. I really appreciate it." I smiled at her as she moved forward to hug me. It felt good to have a connection to her again but I was hesitant, as well.
"Come on let's get this party started, shall we?" Rosalie said, pulling both of us onto each of her arms and leading us into the living room of her parent's house.
**Present day – Edward and Bella's house**
"Bella, baby, let's take a hot bath and talk about this crazy night," Edward hollered out at me while I was grabbing a couple of bottles of water from the fridge.
"Sure, that sounds great, actually." I hollered back at him.
The drive home had been eerily quiet and the air thick with tension. I knew that Edward was over analyzing everything that had been said. He wasn't thinking about this properly. He was more worried about me than thinking about all of the ramifications for himself in the information we'd learned tonight.
Not only was Jasper still in love with him but he wanted to have sex with him, for a weekend. I was still in quite a bit of shock, myself.
On one hand I was definitely against it. I could lose Edward to Jasper; it could cost me my husband who is my world, my breath, he is my everything.
On the flip side, my pussy was aching with excitement at the thought of watching Edward and Jasper together. I'd fantasized about it often after Edward told me about his fantasy of having us both, at the same time. I'd imagined him fucking me while Jasper was fucking him…or him fucking me while sucking on Jasper's cock.
So many scenarios had run through my head and we'd often dirty talked about them while making love.
Edward and I had a very active, very expressive sex life. We had sex as often as we could and pretty much anywhere we could. In the backroom of the library where I was working until I finished my Master's degree or in the little office he had at the music hall in the school where he taught. We'd even pulled over and done it up against a tree in the rain on a trip home to Forks, one weekend a few months back.
We were insatiable in our appetites for each other's bodies. I'd often questioned him about his and Jasper's sex life. He said it had been pretty hot and heavy, but not to the degree that it was with he and I. As I came to Edward a virgin in every way, having never been kissed, felt up or touched it kind of excited me to think of Edward in that sense too. But it turned me on to no end when he'd explained about having been with a man but never a woman. It was also a little intimidating.
"Bella, are you coming, the water's perfect." He called out from the bathroom.
"Yes, love, I'm getting undressed now." I said as I walked through the bathroom door.
He smiled, so brilliantly at me, while watching with ravenous eyes as I slowly disrobed for him. I loved watching him watching me. He was the only one to have ever seen me this way and it brought a fear into my mind of Jasper wanting to be with him while I would be there, possibly naked, too. I quickly pushed those thoughts away and enjoyed this moment with my husband.
"You like what you see, Mr. Cullen?" I giggled out, wiggling my ass a little.
"Oh baby, you know that I do, now bring that luscious ass over here to me," his eyes were wild with want. I was desperate to have him, to reconnect, to get back to just being us for the moment.
I slowly stepped into the tub and straddled his lap, instantly feeling his hardened cock between my legs as it rested against his stomach.
"Bella, do you have any idea how beautiful your body is?" he asked me, as if he didn't ask me at least twice a day.
"Why don't you show me, Mr. Cullen?" I said while looking into his eyes, running hands around his neck and lowered my ass further down into his lap. He moaned out and pulled me tighter against his chest, trying to get me as close as possible. We could never, it seems, get close enough. If we were able to transpose each other into the other's bodies, I still don't think it would be enough, for either of us.
He lifted me up a little, pulling his cock down to in between my folds and lining himself up at my hole. "Sink down on me baby, let me fill you up" he moaned out while his tongue laved my neck under my ear. A small whimper escaped my mouth as I felt myself pulling him deeper inside me with every downward push I made.
"Holy Fuck, Bella, you are so wet and tight, baby…you needed my cock, didn't you?" he managed to get out while thrusting up into me.
"I've needed your cock since you pulled it out of me six hours ago, Edward." I whispered out as I started rising up to plunge back down onto him.
"You got excited tonight, thinking about watching me and Jasper again, didn't you? That's what you want isn't it? You dirty girl, you thought about him sucking my cock while you fingered your pussy, didn't you?"
God I loved it when dirty mouthed Edward came out to play. "Fuck yes, Edward, all of it, it made me want to stroke you under the table. You would have liked that would you? To have me stroking you while he was sitting right there, eye fucking you." Two can play this game and I loved to try and match him in the dirty talk foreplay.
"FUCK!" he cried out starting to thrust up harder as I started to come down harder, trying to get him deeper with each stroke. He grabbed my hips, hard and water started sloshing out of the tub, I didn't care. The feel of him fucking me, taking me, claiming me with his cock buried balls deep into me, drove me insane with want for this man.
"Yes, Edward, yes, you are mine, this pussy is yours show me it's yours." I cried out, starting to feel the pull of my orgasm in the heat of my clit.
Upward thrust, "YOU" another hard thrust, "ARE" a deeper, harder thrust "MINE!" he screamed out while pushing his cock as far inside me as he could go as I clenched my pussy around his cock, orgasm spiraling through my pussy into my abdomen and my whole body shaking with the intensity of the fire coursing through me.
"Yours," I whispered into his ear as he stilled and his cum exploded inside me like a fire bolt shooting up to fill my body with his seed.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, Bella, baby….you and that magic pussy of yours will be the death of me" he grunted out into the side of my neck while still grasping his hands hard into my hips.
We sat there still for a few minutes, panting, willing our breathing to return to normal, holding each other as tight as possible not wanting to end the connection.
After a few more minutes had past and we were returning to a relaxed state he said "Love, we have a lot to talk about, let's get out of here and lay in bed, okay? He moved my hair behind my shoulders and stared me straight in the eyes for a few seconds, nothing but love and devotion shining through his magnificent green eyes.
"Bed sounds good." I agreed.
Edward got out of the tub, grabbed a towel and wrapped it low on his hips. He then brought one to me holding my hand as I got out of the water. He softly moved the towel over my skin from my head to my toes, drying me before wrapping me up tightly. We walked into our bedroom, I turned down the blankets and Edward turned on the Ipod we kept docked in our room. I crawled in and waited for him to join me.
Edward started pacing. I knew what he was doing. He wasn't thinking about anything but how all of this was going to affect me. That wasn't what I wanted. I'd worry about me, I needed him to clear his head and think about all this meant to him.
"Edward, stop. Tell me exactly what you are thinking about right now." I said forcefully. He stopped pacing, ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes.
"I'm worried about how you are feeling about all this. I'm scared that you aren't going to believe that I didn't have anything to do with setting this up. I'm terrified that you are going to tell me that if I even so much as contemplate this idea that you are going to leave me." He said quietly but with a voice full of fear.
"Baby, please don't leave me!" He cried out and reached across the bed grabbing me and pulling me into him.
I could feel the tears pouring from his eyes running down my neck. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
"Edward, stop. Baby love, please, it's okay baby, I'm not going to leave you." I pulled his face from the crook of my neck and forced his chin up to look at me. "Look at me, baby, look into my eyes…I am yours Edward. You are mine. NOTHING is going to change that. Do you understand me?" I asked forcefully and trying to sound stern.
"Don't you realize that my love for you will never wane, will never leave you….without you, I can't breathe. I simply would not be able to live without you." I said to him while shifting around to sit straddling his lap.
His grip on me was tight as I ran my hands through the hair at the nape of his neck. "I need to know what your fears are, without you worrying about me. I need your honest feelings about all of this without you thinking about me. How do you feel about Jasper being in love with you? How do you feel about him wanting to have sex with you? Or him watching us have sex?" I threw out at him, exhaling a long breath.
"But Bella, I can't think about this whole fucked up mess and NOT think about you. I mean, shit, because of me you are being dragged into all of this." He paused, scooting us back against the headboard but continuing to hold me in a tight grip.
"I'm scared of what Jasper's feelings really mean. I'm hurt that he didn't feel like he could tell me all of this years ago and I'm deeply ashamed that he has been so hurt by me, as well." He stopped, closed his eyes and when he opened them, I saw raw exposure of his heart and soul. He cared deeply for Jasper, he always would but I also saw tremendous fear and love.
"I won't lie to you but the thought of having sex with him again, it does turn me on you know this. And I get even more turned on by the thought of him watching us and touching himself. After you both laid out the terms, I felt a lot more comfortable with the idea. I'm not too crazy about him seeing you naked, but I trust Jasper, and I know that if we have a 'hands off' rule, he'll follow it. Because him touching you, would drive me crazy, I would never allow that to happen." He sighed, ran his hand through his hair again. I moved back onto his thighs and allowed some space to develop between us. We needed to be two people for a few minutes, to process, to think, stay focused.
"As for him being in love with me, Bella, I swear I didn't know. I've asked him several times when we've seen him in the past but he always brushed me off or acting like he didn't know what I was referring to. I am a little pissed at him, to be honest. But knowing Jasper like I do, he did it to spare my feelings." He smiled and stared straight into my eyes.
"You know that's one of the things that the two of you have in common; both of you self-sacrifice your own feelings for the ones that you love and care about, even when it costs you your own happiness. The proof of that is evident in the fact that you are even considering allowing this to take place." He leaned forward and placed a single kiss on my forehead.
"What are you thinking baby girl?" he whispered to me.
"I want to know why you've always told me you weren't in love with Jasper. You both obviously had a deep connection, similar to the one we have but you've always made it seem a lot less serious than it was. That moment that I witnessed passing between the two of you tonight, Edward, that doesn't happen unless there is deep connection and bonds of love threaded in there. You were in love with him Edward." I said firmly and matter of fact.
Edward sucks in a long, deep breath. Holds it, starts to scoot me off of him, releases it and stands up and starts pacing the floor again.
"Bella, for a few moments, I thought that I was in love with him. But I wasn't sure. I'd never been in love before. It was very intense between us, I'd told you that already. I wasn't sure if I was confusing love for lust.
I had only started even thinking about it a day or two before I met you. As a matter of fact I think that I just talked to Rosalie about it the day that I met you." He started pacing faster tugging at his hair to the point I thought he was going to pull a chunk of it out.
He stopped turned straight to me and looked at me with a deep intensity. Through gritted teeth he said "I have NEVER lied to you, Bella. I wasn't in love with Jasper." He holds my stare as I start sliding off the side of the bed, wrapping the sheet around my naked body.
"Edward, I didn't say that you lied to me. I'm just saying that I don't think you ever allowed yourself to validate exactly what your feelings for Jasper were because you met me. Haven't you even considered that?" I said trying not to come across defensively. Suddenly, I felt like I was questioning everything about our relationship and if Edward's feelings for me were true.
"No, baby, don't even think that I would have chosen him over you. Yes, I cared for Jasper. I loved him but you…you are the love of my life. I knew when I met you that the pull to be near you, have you, make you mine was infinitely more than it was with Jasper. That's why I just dismissed what I had been questioning as lust."
"Edward, are you sure that this is a good idea. I mean, if you have any unresolved feelings for Jasper, this whole proposal could just open up a door to your heart that you've closed. Then where does that leave me?"
I tried to stop the tears from falling, but it was a useless fight. All my life I'd felt like the one left behind, the one forgotten and pushed to the side. By my parents, my so called friends, it's just how my life was. The thought of Edward walking away from me and leaving me behind was enough to take my breath away.
"Bella," Edward painfully cried out, turning and catching me before I fell to my knees, "No baby, no, I would never just walk away from you, for Jasper or for anyone. YOU. ARE. MY. LIFE. You have to know this, you have to feel it. I try so hard to show you in every way. How can you even begin to think that I could ever leave you?" He had tears rolling down his cheek as he pulled my face up towards him.
Softly kissing me, holding my face in his hands, he pulled me to him as tightly as he could get me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, securing myself to him, as well. He started to stand so I wrapped my legs around him as he picked me up and walked towards our bed.
"Baby, baby, baby…what can I do to reassure you that I love you. I chose you. I married you. I adore you, Bella. I can't get enough of you. My want and need for you just continues you to grow more each day." He softly whispered in my ear as he laid me down and settled between my legs, leaning over me on his elbows.
"Edward, I know that you love me. But you know my deepest fear is losing you." A single tear rolled down my cheek. "I realized how tonight that I could have been in Jasper's shoes, had we not made it. I felt his hurt and I can sympathize with him. He has held all that inside for so long and ….if it were me, I'd probably have come up with something just like he did." I quietly confessed to him.
"So you don't think it's a bad idea?" Edward questioned. "Look at what it's already doing to us, do we want to take a chance of something like this coming between us?"
"In a way, Edward, I think we need to do this. I think it'll help him get over you. I think it will help me alleviate my fear of losing you when it's over with and I think it'll help you deal with some deeply suppressed issues that you've never dealt with." I said as honestly as I could.
"I don't know, Bella. I just don't know." He said with confliction in his voice. He just stared at me, trying to search my eyes for some hint of agreement.
"I think you just need to think about it all, Edward. I think you need to come to terms with everything and make a decision based on whatever you decide. Not me. Not Jasper." I said, pulling him closer to me and wrapping my legs around his thighs.
"Okay, Bella, I will think about it. But not tonight because right now, I think I need to remind you why I chose you." He whispered in my ear as he started placing kisses up and down my neck and jaw line.
I couldn't help the little whimper that escaped my mouth as he continued kissing down my body. He reached my heaving breasts and gently took my left nipple into his mouth, circling his tongue around my hardened peak. I held his head to my breast, loving when he suckled me this way. He could get me off just by his tongue action on my nipples.
"Oh yes, Edward, that feels so good, baby." I said through panting breaths.
He released my breast, continuing his journey down my body, licking across my lower abdomen before slowly running a single finger through my damp folds. He continued placing kisses until he reached my clit where he softly tugged it between his teeth.
I couldn't help the cry of his name escaping my throat as his tongue started licking me in long, hard strokes.
His hands gripped my hips holding me firmly in place as his elbows pushed my legs further down and spread wider for him to work that magic tongue over my pussy.
My hands found his hair, holding his head in position as I felt my orgasm starting to build. "Fuck yes, Edward, I'm going to cum all over your face baby."
He hummed and licked harder before moving up to suck hard on my clit as two of his long, strong fingers shoved deeper inside me, curving to it that magic spot inside me.
"Yes, yes, oh God yes…" I screamed out as I felt my body shake with my release. He tongue laved over me a few more times as his fingers softly stroked me down. He leaned up catching my eyes staring straight at him with nothing but pure lust shining through. He crawled up my body, using his hand to line his cock up at my entrance.
"I love you, Bella." He said as he slowly pushed into me. It took my breath away every time he entered me.
"I love you too baby, so much." I whispered just as he started kissing me while rocking his hips slowly bringing him deeper and deeper inside me with each thrust.
We settled into a good rhythm with nothing but love, want and desire passing between us as we kissed and made love to each other. I tightened my legs around his hips as he started going a little faster, moving his lips down the side of my neck whispering words of love, devotion and showing me with his body how much her cherished me.
"Edward…I'm so close baby," I was able to get out as I tried to catch my breath.
"Hold it baby, not yet, just hold it," he panted out to me.
He moved up slightly, put his hands in mine holding them above my head, as he stared straight into my eyes.
"Never doubt my love for you Bella, this here, this connection, I know you feel it too, this is how much I love you, how much I need you…you are mine and I am yours. Always and forever," he said with nothing but the emotions of those words whirling around his voice.
In that moment, we came together each calling out the other's name. We were panting, both our chests heaving with the weight of our orgasms and the emotions swirling in the air.
"Forever," I whispered as he pulled me to my side as he moved to lie down beside me.
Somehow, I knew going through all of this would forever change Edward, it would change me and I only hoped we'd come out stronger on the other side.
BPOV
I watched as Edward caressed Jasper's face, just before he moved in to kiss him. It was a highly erotic moment to witness and I almost had to look away. But I couldn't. I wanted to see this side of Edward.
He deepened the kiss, as he pulled Jasper closer to him, their hardened cocks rubbing up against each other as their bodies were pressing closer together. My heart was pounded in my chest and I could feel myself holding a breath. I wasn't sure that I could continue to watch. I could feel my soul splinter just as Edward turned to look at me, his face was blank. There was no recognition of me registering on his features.
A single tear ran down my cheek as he stared at me and said "You can leave now."
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe at all as the panic gripped my body. I woke myself screaming for Edward not to leave me, feeling the fear taking hold of me, as I felt the wet tears in my eyes as I struggled to open them.
"Bella, baby, wake up" I heard Edward's voice in my ear, as I felt his strong hands gripping my arms. "Wake UP BELLA" he yelled at me. My eyes fluttered open and I struggled to control my tears and breathing. "Shhh, baby, it was just a dream…baby, I'm here, I'm not leaving." He said as he tried to get me to calm down. "You were yelling out in your sleep begging me not to leave you."
"Oh Edward," I sobbed out and crawled onto him getting as close and tight against him as I could get.
Running his hands up and down my back he continued trying to comfort me, "I'm here baby, I'm here. I'm yours. I'm not leaving." He pulled back so he could look in my eyes, "Baby, what were you dreaming about?"
"I don't want to tell you, Edward," I paused trying to dry some of my tears. "It was just a nightmare." I pulled him tighter into my arms, as I fit my face into the crook of his neck. "Just a bad, bad dream," I whispered into his neck.
I closed my eyes, not sure that I could go back to sleep but needing to be as safe and secure in his grip as I could get. That dream felt so real. Like he was just going to slip through my fingers and 'poof' he would be gone to me; my worst fears were coming true.
"Bella, love, we're okay now, let's just sleeps." He said while laying us back down with me secured deeply into his side, almost under him completely. Sleep not coming easily but surely would come.
**3 yrs ago – The Wedding*
JPOV
I walked into the church and was shown to my seat. The church was absolutely beautiful but my eyes were transfixed on Edward sitting behind the gorgeous baby grand piano as he sat playing melodies of joy and romance.
I quickly spotted Bella a few rows in front of me. I could tell that her eyes were fixed upon him as well.
I was thankful to be behind her, so that I could have a clear view of him, without fear of her noticing.
Alice was a bundle of nerves this morning before she left to spend the day with Rosalie. She knew that today would be a trying day but she had been working on moving things forward with her relationship with Bella. They had gone to lunch with Rosalie a few times. It was a difficult process because Bella was very tentative and guarded. Alice explained that she completely understood. But she was just hoping that as time went by that they would regain their full friendship.
I looked around the church to see Tyler and some of the guys come walking in. I waved them over, grateful for the distraction. I needed to stay level-headed and keep my emotions in check. We all greeted each other discreetly and they piled in the pew with me. Just as I turned back to glance at Edward he made eye contact and seemingly nodded as a way of saying 'hi'.
I then saw Bella turn around and take us all in before her eyes locked on mine. She half smiled, narrowed her eyes at me and then slowly turned back around. Edward looked at her and a gorgeous smile broke out on his face. It ripped right through my heart. I closed my eyes and willed my heart to slow down.
That smile wasn't for me and it never would be again.
They were engaged.
He would be hers…., forever.
Thankfully, from what Alice said, they weren't planning on getting married until sometime late next year. Who knows what could happen in a year, right?
Suddenly things started happening in the church, the wedding was about to begin. Edward began playing the wedding march, I saw Alice standing at the back of the aisle with Seth. She was breathtaking in her red silk dress. I had noticed that lately she'd begun looking more womanly. I don't know if she always had and I had just started really looking at her or what but I was definitely noticing. It was a little un-nerving at times. I'd never really thought of Alice that way, she'd always just been my friend. We were both battered soldiers and able to comfort each other in miserable times. At some point I'd begun to notice these little changes in her and to be honest, I had been trying to avoid addressing them. I really didn't know what it was all about and just wasn't able to deal with it.
Alice and Seth made their way down the aisle to where Emmett was practically jumping up and down with excitement and nervousness. He couldn't wait to get married to Rosalie.
Everyone stood as the music changed…and there she was. Rosalie was beyond beautiful. My heart swelled with love for her as she took those steps towards Emmett. Rose was an amazing person to everyone in her life, she deserved this moment of the spotlight. She spent so much time taking care of all of us, I hope that this day was truly magical for her.
After the ceremony was over we all moved over to the hotel where the reception was being held. I saw Alice sitting at our table and my body immediately began to move to her. I hoped that my smile belied my feelings for her to anyone that was looking, she really did hold a special place in my heart. "You look so beautiful today, little one." I whispered in her ear from behind as she sat there. She turned around, grinning at me and stood to hug me. "Thank you Jasper." She whispered back into my ear as well.
Rose and Emmett hadn't made it into the room yet as they were still taking pictures in the gardens outside. The waiter came and took our drink order. We talked about the wedding and how beautiful it all was.
"Did you see Bella?" Alice asked me.
"I did. She looked great in your design." I chuckled at her.
Nodding her head, "Yes, she sure did, didn't she?"
Rose had asked Alice to design her own bridesmaids dress as well as the dress for Bella and the mothers' of the Bride and Groom. Alice had been in designer heaven for a few weeks getting them all finished. I loved watching her work and I was really proud of all the work she had done. She was going to be a powerhouse in the design world once she finished school.
Just then the doors opened up and a breathtaking Rosalie entered with Emmett by her side. Both of them looked blissfully happy. They made their way down the line to the center of the stage to take their place at the center table, which I happened to be sitting at, as well. I hugged her neck as she came around to my side. "You look stunning Rosalie, I'm so happy for you," I said as tears came to my eyes. She hugged me hard and said, "Thank you for being here to celebrate with us Jasper, I couldn't imagine doing this without one of my best friends here."
She pulled back and Emmett stepped up to give me a half hug, manly slap on the back. "Congrats Em, you finally got her!" I told him. "Yup, she's all mine now and I really can't wait to make her all mine now that she's Mrs. Emmett McCarty." He said wiggling his eyebrows up and down, chuckling at me.
"Ewww, Em, that's Rosalie we're talking about, I don't wanna know." I laughed back to him.
The waiter appeared back at the table with our drinks and we all sat down to start our meal.
Laughing, joking, re-telling all about the wedding and what was going on in everyone's minds. It was a great night.
As things were starting to wind down and I got needed a break from all the dancing so I made my way over to the bar to order a bottle of water and take off my suit jacket. I was standing next to the bar when Edward approached me.
"You and Alice are looking good out there, Jasper," He chuckled out at me. His eyes were bright and I could tell he was being sincere.
"Yeah, Alice loves to dance but I needed a break." I said, taking a long drink off my water. He smelled like sweat and Edward and it was fucking delicious to my senses. I inhaled a deep whiff of it, and tried to not make it obvious what I was doing.
"So things are going good for you and Alice, then?" He asked.
"Edward, Alice and I are just friends." I told him very matter of fact.
"Really Jasper? I see the way she looks at you. There's not more to it?" He questioned me, cocking that perfect fucking eyebrow at me. "Because it sure looks like there's more going on to anyone watching the two of you."
"Yes really, Edward. Alice and I don't have that kind of relationship. She's my best friend, period." I stated, while hoping that it didn't come off to harsh.
"Is there someone else then? If you aren't dating Alice, then there must be someone else." He ran a hand through his hair and took a drink of his beer, his eyes never leaving mine.
"No, there isn't someone else. I'm too busy to date between work, school and Alice, my plate is full." I replied.
"Okay," he said looking away, but for just a moment he hesitated like he wanted to ask something else.
"How are you and Bella doing? I hear the wedding date has been set for next August." I quietly said.
He turned and looked at me, his eyes on fire, "Yes, I wanted to do it before the end of the year during Christmas break but she wants to wait until we've got most of our school out of the way. But I can't wait, I'd marry her tomorrow if she'd let me."
"Wow, she's a lucky girl to have you so ready to make her your wife." I blurted out, trying not to let him see the hurt on my face or the lump forming in my throat as I looked at him.
"Jasper," he said, narrowing his eyes at me, "are you jealous?" he tried to laugh out making it sound like a joke.
"Fuck, Edward where did that come from? No, I'm not jealous. You just seem like you can't get married to her fast enough. Are you worried about her leaving you or something? Or running to her so quickly like you're afraid you'll change your mind." I quipped rather rudely, unleashing the harsh feelings finally.
There was a moment of shock on his face, then disbelief and then anger became the prevalent look.
"No, I'm not running away from anything and I'm certainly not afraid of losing her. I just so happen to love her more than life and I want to make her my wife." He said, taking a deep breath. "I know what I want and she is it, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to make that legal. I only hope that someday you'll find the same thing." He said honestly and seemingly with a tinge of sympathy for me.
"My life is fine as it is thank you." I sarcastically replied.
"I just want to see you happy Jasper. I can see you, you know, I can tell you aren't being honest about your life. But, I'm here if you ever want to talk about it, you know?" He reached out putting his hand on my shoulder like he was trying to comfort me.
My cock instantly got hard and I became stiff and tense under the heat of his hand on my shirt. It was the first time he'd touched me in anyway in almost a year and it sent a surge of fire through my veins. I suddenly stepped back. "I'm fine Edward. Now, please excuse me, I see Alice looking for me." I said to him then walked past him and over to our table where Alice was gathering her belongings.
"Hey you, there you are." She smiled at me when she saw me approaching.
"Yep, here I am." I flashed my cocky smile and allowed her to soothe my disposition so that I didn't take out my anger on her. "You ready to call it a night?" I asked, hoping she was ready to leave as I needed to get out of here and quickly.
She grabbed me, turning me to face here eye to eye, her eyes searching mine she said, "What's wrong Jasper? You look really upset."
I was pleading with her in my eyes to just drop it, her tiny hands running smoothing lines up and down my arms, "I'm fine, just something from my past and I do not want to talk about." I said trying to sound gentle but firm in my admission that I didn't want to discuss it.
"Jasper, I won't push, but if you want to talk about it, I'll listen. You know that, right?" She said with a soft tone.
"Yes, Alice, I know but…" I hesitated, closing my eyes, "I just can't talk about it, please, I beg you, please just drop it, okay?" I opened my eyes to see hers glistening with tears. "Okay, Jasper, let's go say goodbye to Rose and Em, then let's head home."
"Okay," I answered.
**6 months ago**
JPOV
Something had shifted within the relationship that we had. I had tried to ignore it for as long as I could but Alice being Alice wouldn't let me. She had called me this morning to invite me to dinner, which wasn't out of the norm but this time she requested that I dress up for a fancy dinner. She wouldn't answer any of my questions about why, either. She even made sure to tell me that I could not call Rosalie to question her about, either. I definitely knew that she was up to something.
I showed up at her apartment at exactly seven as she requested. I made sure I stopped and purchased her a bouquet of Daisies. They were her favorite and they always made her smile. I loved Alice's smile, she was beautiful when she smiled.
Things had always been easy and comfortable between us but I had started to notice her hesitancy and restraint when she was around me. I wasn't exactly sure why but I couldn't lie, I felt some fear. I was afraid she'd met someone and this dinner was going to be her way of letting me down easy, telling me that our friendship would have to take a backseat for a while. It scared me to even think about losing Alice. But, I've been alone before, it wouldn't be easy but I could do it.
I knocked on the door and waited. I could hear the new Kings of Leon album playing in the background of her apartment as the door clicked open and she stood before me with a bright smile on her face. "You made it right on time," she cheerfully exclaimed.
"I know better than to keep you waiting, darling." I smiled back to her. "You look amazing in that dress, by the way." I said as I took her hand so she could do a little twirl for me. It was black and strapless and fell just about mid-thigh. It was tight and clingy to every curve of her body. And strangely, I could feel my cock harden a bit, it had no choice, it took notice of her luscious body and immediately stood at attention. This was a first.
"Come in, come in," Alice said as she used the hand I still held to pull me through the door way and into the apartment. "Are these for me? " She said as she eyed the daisies.
"Of course they are. But I'm afraid their beauty pales in comparison to yours tonight." I handed her the flowers and ran a hand under the collar of my shirt. Suddenly it seemed very hot and stiff in this suit.
I finally noticed the room and took in the ambiance she had created. "Alice, what's going on? This seems awfully formal for just the two of us, don't you think?" I said while gesturing around the room.
There were candles lit everywhere, the table was set with elegant china and I could smell something delicious cooking in the kitchen.
"Well, Jasper tonight is kind of special, but we'll get to that later. What do you want to drink? I have beer and wine." She asked me pulling me towards the kitchen. It was almost as if she couldn't keep her hands off of me. To say I was completely confused about all of this was a huge understatement.
"Whatever you're having will be fine." I answered her. She took down another wine glass and poured a glass of white wine for me.
"Dinner is just about ready so go sit on the sofa while I finish up in here, okay?" Her sentence held a question but really it was a command.
"Okay Alice…you don't need any help? I don't mind." I told her, not really comfortable just going to sit alone on the couch.
"No, now scoot." She pushed me towards the living room out of the kitchen.
As I sat down, I started looking around the room. That's when I started seeing all the pictures, pictures that I hadn't really paid attention to in a while. They were all of me and her. Some of them from when we went to Disneyland a few summers ago. Some from when we went to Texas for a family reunion last year. A few were just candid shots on random nights out with Rosalie and Emmett or some of the other guys and their girlfriends. But they were all of US.
I got up and walked to the bookshelves where the pictures sat seeing one that really captured me.
The largest and most prevalent picture was one of me, playing my guitar at a cookout that Rosalie and Emmett had about a year ago. They had bugged me relentlessly about playing for them but I finally gave in. I was sitting on a stool, eyes closed and I was singing.
I remember that moment. I was singing to Edward. I was thinking of him. I was drowning in regret and it was easy to see on my face. Of course no one but me knew exactly the source of the regret but me. It was shortly after Edward and Bella had gotten married and I'd made a huge, stupid mistake. I was stuck in that moment forced to relive the pain over again while I stared at the picture.
"You look beautifully broken in that picture," she whispered at my shoulder making her presence known behind me. I could feel the heat from her body against my back.
"I was," I stated, truthfully.
"But, I also see the depth of passion from your soul in your face, in this picture. I could stare at it for hours," she whispered again.
I think I was holding my breath, all I knew was that in that moment hearing her words… I stopped breathing altogether.
"Staring at it only solidifies what I've failed to realize for a year now," she whispered again. "It took me that long to realize what I had right in front of me after all these years that you've been by my side." She whispered out with hesitancy.
My whole body was tense and tight. I felt absolutely frozen.
She was in love with me. How could I have been so blind?
"You carry this heavy burden around and I can see it on your shoulders in that picture. I can feel you pouring it out in the expression on your face." Her voice still so quiet between us, like she was afraid to raise it and shatter whatever was between us.
"Alice…" I said so low I wasn't sure if she heard me.
"Just let me love you, let me in Jasper, I could make you happy." She whispered with her lips pressed against my back as I felt her hands come up to rest on my hips.
I was still for a few seconds, trying to catch my breath before I was finally able to say, "My heart isn't free Alice." I paused, squeezing my eyes tightly closed, willing my tears to stop. "I could never make you happy. I don't have the love to give to you that you deserve." I said weakly, quietly and as honestly as I could.
She leaned into my back, wrapping her arms around my waist, and I could feel the moisture from her tears through my shirt. "Let me try, Jasper. Please let me try to love you." She begged.
"Alice…" I started sobbing, grabbing her little hands around my waist and holding them to me. I didn't think I could turn around and face her.
She held on to me as tight as she could and we stayed this way for what felt like an eternity. When she finally let go of me and walked around in front of where I was standing. "Look at me Jasper." She demanded softly.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you could never love me, never make room for me in your heart. I need to hear you say it." She said as she held my chin forcing me to look directly at her.
Shaking my head wildly, "Alice, my heart," I choked up, not having the words to say. "My heart isn't whole. My heart…. it isn't mine to give and I don't know how to just break the chains off. They've been wrapped around it for so long, I don't know if I can let them go." I said as I noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Oh, baby, don't cry, please don't cry," I say as I pick her up, holding her to me and walk us to the couch. I sat down with her in my lap, her arms around my neck and her face buried in my shoulder.
"But Jasper, I'm here. I'm here and I love you and I want you to love me too," she paused, a sob ripping from her mouth as I tightened my arms around her. Fuck. I've hurt her in the worst possible way. I never meant to hurt her. How could I not have seen this coming?
We sat quietly for a few minutes as she calmed down and got control of herself again. She scooted around to straddling my lap, she pulled back just a little so that we were face to face.
"Jasper, why can't you free your heart?" She asks timidly.
I sigh, run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. "Alice, I've been in love with someone for so long, someone that told me from the beginning they'd never be able to love me back, but I fell for them anyway. The thought of letting go of that love, we'll it honestly scares the shit out of me."
"Does this person know that you love them?" She says playing with the end of my tie, never looking up at me.
"No." It was all I could say.
"Then how do you know they don't love you back?" she questioned.
"Because they walked away from me for another, because they are married now, because they never told me they loved me when they had the chance." It was the most honest answer I could give.
"So you won't even try?" Alice said as a single tear rolled down her cheek as she finally looked up at me again.
I sighed again, drew in a deep, long breath, "I don't know how to even try to let them go, Alice. I just don't even know how to think about it, to be honest. I do love you, Alice. So, so much. But this," My hand gesturing between the two of us, "This scares me almost as bad as the thought of releasing my heart does." I said as closed my eyes and laid my head back against the couch.
"I'm not going to apologize for how I feel, Jasper. You know I wasn't honest with Edward when I thought I was in love with him," she said as I tried so hard not to let her feel me tense up at the sound of his name. "But I couldn't make that mistake again with you. I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. YOU." I could feel her starting to move closer to me. She wrapped her arms around me and leaned her head down onto my chest.
We sat there for an hour or so, we simply just held each other. We took turns crying, we comforted each other, all the while wrapped up in each other. My mind was swirled with all these new thoughts. I was terrified of letting go of Edward. He's the only person I'd ever loved before Alice. He'd held a grip on me for so long and his memories soothed me and gave me the most delicious aches, I wasn't sure how I could ever function without his memory. It was all I had known for the past two years.
I just simply didn't know how to change that for Alice. But I knew that I had to figure out a way to try to do it. I knew without a doubt that I do love her. The thought of her hurting, to see her crying over me, well, it cut me to the quick. I could be happy with Alice. I could have a great life with her. Hell, I already did, I just didn't realize it until now.
I had to come up with a plan.
**Present day – Mulling it over**
EPOV
Bella's dream, whatever it was, had to have been a direct result of what was going on in our lives at the moment. She hadn't had nightmares like that in over a year. It scared me.
I loved this woman with every ounce of my life. I couldn't and wouldn't let anything hurt her. And that included Jasper.
FUCK! Why did this have to happen? Why now? Why couldn't he have just told me three years ago? How would I have handled it back then?
I don't know. I simply do not know the answer to that question. I don't think that I could have let Bella walk away after the instant connection that I felt for her.
But again, I do not know.
I cared a lot for Jasper. I mean, I think I might have been falling for him but I was a horny guy around him, so I don't know if I'm confusing sex for love or not. There was always this chemistry between us but I had always felt a little something missing. That's why when Bella came in my door that night, I just knew that the something missing wasn't from Jasper, it was from me.
Jasper and I did have something special, even some spectacular moments. But I had always wanted to get married, have the big fancy wedding and lots of babies for my parents to spoil. When I used to watch Jasper sleep, I would think about those things and imagining how he and I could have that together. No matter how hard I tried to make it work we just never seemed to fit the right way. It didn't mean that I cared any less for him; it just meant that I knew without a doubt that a gay lifestyle was not the choice that I saw myself making for rest of my life.
I also didn't want to cheapen it to being a "phase" that I was going through. It was clearly just Jasper that I was drawn too, connected to. I had never had that with another man before him nor since him, so I knew without a doubt that it was just simply him.
Then I met Bella. Her pull to me was just as powerful if not more potent than Jasper's pull on me. I wanted to be near her twenty-four seven. I felt like I was possessed with need for her. I was blinded by that need and didn't fully see or appreciate Jasper, as I should have.
When I ended it with him, I genuinely thought that he was happy for me, even though I knew we would both miss one another, I just didn't see him putting up any fight to keep on seeing each other. I gave him a few days to let it all sink in and for me to continue getting to know Bella. But then, I couldn't reach him by phone and he didn't show up to class. I wasn't sure what to think.
I missed him. I missed my friend. But I had Bella, so my sorrow wasn't overwhelming and when I did get sad about it I let my new romance with Bella distract me enough to keep the sadness away.
I tugged at my hair as I started to pace. I allowed the memories of my time with Jasper to wash over me.
How could I not remember that first kiss in the music hall or the first time I saw him completely naked and how it felt the first time he pushed into me. Yes, I missed him. I missed him fucking me. I missed fucking him. I loved the feel of his cock in my mouth, knowing that I had all the control in that moment as he fucked my mouth. He was an amazing teacher and an even better lover.
But Bella, fuck, her body was a wonderland of soft and hard, hot and wet. I loved her tits, they were amazing and watching my cock slide in between them while I'm fucking them is one of the most exciting memories I have with her…she opened her mouth and tried to catch as much of my cum as she could. Or the time I just had this primal need to take her so I shoved her over the couch and fucked her hard and fast, knowing my parents would be at our front door at any minute. It was the first time I had ever taken her that way from behind…it's easily one of our favorite positions for fucking now.
And the thought of having them both, together, well, it made my dick ache in anticipation.
But the reality of it all scared me. Bella and I were very active in our sex life and tried a lot of crazy shit and positions but this was something really out there and different.
I know she told me to just worry about me but this woman is my life, how can I not worry about what this would all do to her. And in a small twisted way, I know she secretly wanted the erotic side of it all, too.
But Jasper, he was a wild card. Could he really just fuck me and then forget about me? I was also worried about Alice finding out. I still can't believe he hadn't told her at all. And now he thinks he's in love with her?
Starting a new relationship with lies would only lead to destruction, of that I was sure. What was his problem with telling her? Protecting me is what he'd said. Fuck. There's so much to decide and think about. What the fuck am I going to do?
**Present day – Thinking**
BPOV
I knew deep down inside that Edward really wants this weekend, from a purely sexual standpoint. But I also knew from an emotional standpoint he's going to use me as a reason not to participate in it. He was always more worried about me than himself; which, in a way, is kind of how we ended up here. If he hadn't gotten so wrapped up in me so quickly when we met, he could have worked things out with Jasper to where Jasper hadn't felt jilted all these years. He could have let go of Edward then and moved on.
Fuck me. I'm not feeling guilty for finding my husband and falling in love with him. But it has cost Jasper so much time and kept him wrapped up in an illusion of who he thinks he loves. I feel his hurt and the pain of not having Edward is evident in his face every time he looks at Edward. There's always a longing, a hope shining in his eyes that for once, just once that Edward will acknowledge his feelings. Christ, what painfully heavy hurt that must be to carry around.
I want Edward to make the best decision for himself but I hope he makes the right one for Jasper too. There's so much hanging in the balance. So much they both stand to gain and so much they stand to lose.
My feelings be damned.
**Present day – Sit down with Jasper, Bella and Edward**
EPOV
It had been the longest three days of my life since we'd sat and heard out Jasper's proposal in the diner. But after all was said and done, I'd made a decision. One that I felt I could live with and hoped that when we all came out on the other side everyone would be okay, as well.
I had Bella call Jasper this morning and ask him to meet us the dog park so we could take Jake to the park to run and play. It was a beautiful sunny day and we'd have some privacy to talk. Plus, I wanted to be somewhere out in the open, so as to not feel boxed in or walls surrounding us. We needed to talk open and honestly and the park just seemed like the best place to do that.
I had left the house alone, with Jake, asking Bella to give me about 30 minutes before she and Jasper showed up. She had tried so hard to just give me space and time to think this all over. I hated that I felt any distance between us but I think we both knew that it was necessary to weigh over this decision.
It hadn't stopped my ferocious sexual appetite for her body though. If anything it fueled my need for her, having taken her several times over the past forty-eight hours alone. It almost seemed like our honeymoon again where we spent an entire day in bed feasting off of each other. We were both pretty sore and worn out afterwards.
It also caused me to stop and re-evaluate some issues that I'd had with Alice over the years. I missed the Alice of my youth as she and I had been best friends from birth. I knew that some things needed to be straightened out and I hoped that Jasper could and would be willing to help with that. It worried me to discuss a few of the topics in front of Bella, but I had to have her there. There was no other way to do this and I won't keep secrets from her or leave her out in anyway.
I tossed a ball out for Jake a few times before I settled on a nice spot in the grass under a tree. I spread out the blanket that I'd brought and tried to mentally prepare for what was about to take place.
Shortly after I sat down, I saw Bella drive up and then Jasper pulled in as well. They spotted each other and seemed to enjoy a friendly chat while they walked over to me.
I stood up to greet them, "Hi Jasper," I said as I extended my hand to shake his. He cocked an eyebrow at me, coming in for a half hug. "Hi Edward," he chuckled out at me.
"Hey baby girl," I said. Bella leaned into me and I kissed her temple. We all lowered ourselves down to the blanket in unison.
"I'm sure you're both anxious to get this over with but there are some things that I want to openly discuss with both of you before this conversation begins." I said, as I looked at both of them to gauge their emotions.
They both seemed calm but a little tense. Bella seemed hyper aware of every movement that I made while Jasper seemed to be holding his breath.
"Relax, please," I laughed out to both of them. I wanted this to not get too heavy, too soon.
"Okay, Edward, we're here, we're listening. You've got a captive audience so get on with it, please." Jasper exhaled and looked at Bella who was nodding in agreement. I suddenly noticed a bond that seemingly forged deep between the two of them. It kind of made me happy to see, as Bella didn't have a lot of friends in her life outside our tight little group. It would be nice for her to have someone like Jasper in her life, as he was a good friend.
"Jasper, I need to talk to you about Alice. And I need for you to be honest with me as you know her better than I do at this point." I looked him straight in the eye. At the mention of her name, he completely went ridged and took on a defensive posture.
"Edward, I really don't see how Alice has anything to do with this and I really don't feel comfortable talking about her, especially to you." His hands ran through his hair nervously as he closed his eyes for a minute.
When he opened them I looked at him trying to convey my concern before I spoke again.
"I just need to know why you haven't told her about us and what your plans are for being honest with her." I tried to convey the concern and curiosity in my voice.
"I've never told her because I wanted to protect your anonymity. I just didn't feel that it was my place to 'out' you so to speak. She knows that I'm in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings but she has no idea it's you or that it is even a male." He paused, looked down at his hands and fiddled with the blanket a few more seconds before he spoke again, "I hadn't really planned on telling her. I hate the thought of keeping a secret from her after this is all over but I just don't see how me telling her would do anything but hurt her further at this point. She knows as much as I've been able to tell her, the rest of the details aren't mine to tell, it's just how I feel."
I didn't know what to say. He truly did everything to protect me where Alice was concerned. I knew there was a lot more of the Alice issue that needed to be worked through but Jasper was right, this time was not about her and I had to put it all on the back burner.
"Okay, Jasper. That's all I needed to know about the Alice situation. Thank you for protecting me. I know it has to have been hard. So just, thank you." I stretched my legs, crossing my ankles and rested back on my palms.
"Here's the deal," I stopped, taking a deep breath knowing this was it, the moment they were waiting for. "I want this weekend to happen. I feel it needs to happen for several reasons. It's not the most conventional way to go about things but I think it needs to happen." I finally looked up to see both of them with a shocked but excited look on their faces. I totally was not expecting that from either of them.
"Let me explain why I decided to allow it, please. I feel my reasoning needs to be heard so the expectations from all of us are clear." I turned towards Jasper first.
"Jasper, while I'm sorry that you've carried these feelings all these years, if this will help you to move forward with your life, then in a way, I owe it to you. I certainly thought that we had ended things cleanly and honestly, however, I'm not always the most observant person. I'm aware of this and I feel like if I do this for you, then maybe we can, um, eventually work on getting our friendship back. Because, Jas, I have really missed you in my life, as my friend." I hoped he could see my sincerity and accept what I had put out there.
"Thank you, Edward. You truly don't know how elated this makes me feel. It's …well…just thank you, man." He slid across the blanket to hug me, he gripped me tight and I saw a big smile on Bella's face as I caught her eye over his shoulder.
"You're welcome, Jasper." I said, releasing him.
"Now, my baby girl, my Bella, it's your turn. While we don't really have any issues in our marriage, so to speak, but you've always had this fear of losing me, no matter how many times I reassure you that won't happen. I think this weekend will be a true testament to the strength of our relationship and prove to you that I will not ever leave you." I said as she sat nodding at me.
"Plus, you get your fantasy," she giggled, her eyes sparkled with that wicked glint that I loved so much.
"Ah, yes, my fantasy," I simply stated, as I laughed out at her and Jasper even joined in with a chuckle or two.
"But, there's something I want to add to the terms. It mostly affects you and I, Jasper. But I can't in clear conscious completely participate in engaging in sex with you." He looked at me seemingly confused, as did Bella. I took a deep breath, this was a hard conclusion to draw, but I felt it necessary to add to the stipulations for my own peace of mind. "I won't be penetrating Jasper, at all. Oral, yes, but as for me taking you, Jasper, I can't do it." I stopped talking, trying to get my dry mouth moist again. I took a sip of water from my water bottle before finishing, "In all fairness to my wife, I just feel that having sex with you in that way would be cheating and I cannot do it."
Bella was the first to speak out, "But Edward, I'll be there, I've said it was okay." She looked at me with a hint of worry on her face.
"Baby, I know all that but I just feel with what is taking place, this is not unreasonable. This is after all about Jasper getting what he needs to release me, not about me releasing in Jasper," I joked trying to lighten this conversation up. He laughed out loud, too. Bella just looked perplexed.
"But, Edward…don't you want to, I mean, isn't that kind of part of the thrill of the fantasy?" She said with all the sincerity in the world, in her voice. I laughed again.
"Bella, I really feel like there will be enough going on to fulfill my wanton desires, trust me," I winked at her turning to seeing Jasper trying to stifle another laugh, too.
"Huh, well, if that's the way you want it, okay, I'm totally fine with that, as long as I still get to um…" she turned bright red and got a little bashful, "watch." She whispered out. This only caused Jasper and I to laugh again while she continued to blush. I pulled her between my legs, kissed her forehead, "Baby girl, I think there'll be plenty for you to enjoy." I said laughing again as she finally started to giggle, too.
"Okay, so when is this supposed to take place, Edward?" Jasper inquired, his bright blue eyes sparkling the brightest blue in the afternoon sun.
"Well, I wanted to see if next weekend would work. We don't have any family or work obligations next weekend so I think we might as well jump in, quickly, so to speak." I could feel Bella nodding in agreement against my chest while Jasper just smiled, his eyes still gleaming with excitement.
"That's perfect, actually, just perfect." He replied back, practically shouting. He stretched out his legs, leaned back and said, "I'll email Bella the directions to the cabin tomorrow and we can plan on meeting there around six o'clock Friday night. I'll pick up the keys on my lunch hour and try and head out there mid-afternoon to get the fridge stocked and all the amenities taken care of it, if that's alright with both of you."
"Sure, Jasper, that's fine." Bella replied. "But I would like to be responsible for Friday night's meal, I haven't gotten to cook much lately and I'd really like to do that."
"Sounds good, beautiful Bella." He grinned back at her.
"So, we're all set then?" I inquired, feeling pretty good about how it all turned out. No major hiccups or problems and we all pretty much seemed to be in agreement with the previous terms as well as my new addition. I knew Bella was going to drill me about it later, but I'm okay with that, because I know I made the decision that I can best live with.
"We're good." Jasper stated, starting to get up. "I'm gonna head out, I've got some things to get taken care of before then." Bella and I stood up, as well and Bella went over to hug Jasper. "We'll speak soon then Bella, alright?"
"Definitely Jasper, be careful going home," she told him as he man hugged me.
"Always, beautiful Bella, always." He smiled at us as he turned to walk away.
As we watched him get in his car, she started quietly squealing and jumped up into my arms. I caught her as she wrapped her legs around my waist and started laughing. "Are you happy about something baby girl?" I teased her.
"Oh Edward, I'm so excited. I knew you'd choose to do it. I'm so wet and hot just thinking about it." She pressed her lips to mine, slipping her tongue in my mouth quickly. She pulled back and continued on, "It's going to be so hot watching the two of you go at it…and ooohhh, I need to hit up the toy store." She tightened her grip on my neck and ground her pussy down on my cock, moaning when she felt how hard I already was, "I've got some ideas…" she continued on listing all the things she needed to do to prepare.
The whole time I was thinking, I hope she's this happy when it's all over.
PART 1
JPOV *A trip to the Cottage*
I have been on the longest rollercoaster ride of my life this week. The emotional highs and the drop of the lows were enough to ensure that I hadn't slept much over the past seventy-two hours, that's for sure.
I hadn't spoken to Alice much, either, which was weighing heavily on my mind. After she revealed to me about how she felt and then me not knowing exactly how to feel about it all; it was only natural that we both pulled away from each other to some degree.
I couldn't really tell her the truth about what was going on and it was killing me to know that because of me, she was in pain. She'd put herself out there in expressing her true feelings to me. While I hadn't outright rejected her, my refusal to give her my heart had clearly torn her heart in two.
I loved Alice, there's no doubt about that. But I wasn't truly sure that I was in love with her. I knew that if I were free of Edward then I would be able to fully determine if I had been falling in love with her all along and just not able to recognize it.
I knew that I couldn't imagine a day without her in it. We spent almost every day together, when we weren't at work. Every evening she was either at my place or I was at hers. It already felt like we were in a relationship, just without the sex.
There had been times when one or both of us were horny and we both fought the urges to explore each other's bodies. I had caught her coming out of the shower once, she had a beautiful body and I couldn't help but let my eyes linger on her nude frame. She'd seen me in nothing but my boxers more times than I could count as she was forever making me try on clothes she'd picked up for me or designed herself. I think we were both past that modesty phase around one another.
And don't get me wrong, I certainly appreciated the female body, I'd been with a few girls before Edward. I'd even lost my virginity to a girl first, Maria Fuego in the ninth grade. In fact, it wasn't until the summer of my junior year I'd realized that I like guys, as well.
I'd met Jordan at music camp and we'd instantly hit it off. He was the first to take me in that way and I was the first as well. It was just a summer fling that we both gained something from. I went home and dated a few more girls in high school. The summer between high school graduation and college was when I really allowed myself to explore my bisexual side. Up to the point where I met Edward, I had slept with a total of three girls and three guys. It wasn't until Edward came along that I even toyed with the notion of living a strictly gay lifestyle. I thought that I could see myself happy with him alone for the length of my life, until I realized that he was in love with Bella and that she was the path of future.
Then Alice and I were thrust together in the most unconventional way. Over the years, I'd grown to love her and depend on her; she had become my best friend. When I was with her the ache for him was dulled and the pain lessened, hell there had even been times when I was with her I could go hours without Edward crossing my mind. She was a bright star in my midnight sky, pointing me home when the darkness and sorrow would overtake me in my agony over Edward.
I'd never even considered that she might develop feelings for me. I knew that I never saw her as a sister like I did Rosalie, I saw her as an equal, as a friend, and confidant. And as of late, I'd begun to explore the idea of her as a lover. I was attracted to Alice, I always had been but because of my love for Edward I hadn't really paid her attention in the sexual sense.
Hell, was I really as unobservant as Edward had been with me? Unfortunately…I think I was.
The thought of losing Alice for good, well, it took my breath away. Our relationship had started out as one of convenience but now, I truly enjoyed her company, she was beyond beautiful and she could make me laugh like no other. She had a zeal for life that just radiated through her and over the years she'd started engraining that zealousness into me. We took trips, we shared family holidays, and for all intents and purposes we were dating just without the emotions that sex always involved.
Edward was still in my heart. He was still in my head. Whenever I would try to picture my life with Alice, I could always see Edward lurking in the background, calling me, taunting me, tempting me. I knew I had to push Alice out of my head for now. I had to focus on this weekend. I had to put my feelings for Edward in the front and center of my heart and my head. I had to figure out a way to achieve letting him go.
I had to face the fact that after this weekend he was gone to me, forever. I didn't want to carry this hurt and ache around anymore. What would it take to achieve that? A few couple of fucks or perhaps a blow job here or there?
I'm not sure but as I pulled into the circle drive of the Cottage, I knew I needed to put everything but these feelings and questions out of my mind. This is what I had asked for and I knew what I wanted the outcome to be, so it was up to me to make all that happen.
EPOV *On Drive to the Cottage*
To say that my emotions where flying a hundred miles an hour would be the under-fucking-statement of the year, I was worried about Bella and how she was really going to handle all of this. I was worried about Jasper, how he would feel about me and moving forward after this weekend.
And I was freaking-the-fuck out about how I was going to handle both of them, should something go wrong. I know that I'm scared to death of feeling excited about being with Jasper sexually even though the thought arouses me more that I feel it should. Thinking about him taking me, touching me, putting his cock in my mouth, it flushes my body with pure sexual heat but at the same time I worry that Bella will freak out or let her insecurities resurface once she sees the primal charge between us.
I just have to make sure that they are both okay and keep all the emotions in check during any encounters that take place. I want to satisfy them both.
I want so much to come out of this weekend. I want Jasper to be able to let go of me and move on with his life and Alice, if it's supposed to be with her. I want Bella to dissolve her insecurities of losing me and I feel that this weekend will be a great catalyst in helping to make that happen for her.
As for me, I just want to enjoy the sex, keep my wife happy and reconnect with Jasper.
As we pull into the circle drive of the Cottage, I can feel Bella tense slightly beside me, I look over to her seeing her worrying her bottom lip and her body completely stiff as she stares out the window looking at the house before us. "Baby?" I ask full of worry.
"I'm fine." She answered my single word question without hesitation. "A little nervous, but I trust you and I trust Jasper so I'll be okay once we get inside," she smiled at me but it didn't reach her eyes. I scanned her eyes, searching for her feelings to show themselves to me; fear, anxiety and a hint of excitement shone clearly in her beautiful brown eyes.
Running my hand through my hair, sighing out before taking her face in both of my hands, "Bella, I love you more than life itself so if this is too much for you, tell me now, and we can turn around and go straight home." I held her face for what felt like forever as her eyes played a long range of flickers before finally settling on resolve. "I'm going to be just fine, Edward, I want this as badly as you and Jasper, let's just head in and it'll all be okay."
I hesitated before leaning in to kiss her deeply and full of all the love I held for her. She responded quickly thrusting her hands up into my hair, pulling me closer to her. As she started to deepen the kiss, I pulled back slightly, chuckling, "Come on baby, let's head inside, I'm sure Jasper's waiting." I smiled at her, loving her passion.
I got out, opened the back hatch and gathered up our few bags before going to help Bella out of the car. She quickly took a look around at our surroundings. "He wasn't lying about this place being secluded was he?"
She laughed out. The closest house was truly a good half mile away. We'd have beach space all to ourselves. Jake would have loved running free out on the sand, I almost regretted leaving the dog at the kennel, until I remembered what we were here for. Taking care of him would definitely put a cramp in some of the activities I'm sure that we were about to participate in.
**BPOV – At the Cottage**
As we walked up the Cottage, hand in hand, I felt Edward tense up a little, so I squeezed his hand a little harder while leaning into his side. He breathed out a sigh of relief, almost. "You doing alright baby?" I asked him.
"Yeah, just once we cross through that doorway things are going to change." He said, seeming a little apprehensive.
"I'll be right here, by your side, but if you change your mind, the same thing goes for you, too. We can head back home at any time." I said, trying to sound reassuring.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, closing his eyes, "I know, baby girl, I know."
Just then the front door opened slowly to reveal Jasper looking very somber. He quickly looked from me to Edward and a worried frown crossed his face. "Is everything okay?" He asked questioningly.
"Sure, Jasper, just nerves, you know?" I replied looking at Edward to see him nodding his head in agreement.
"Well, come on in, I'll show you around, then we can talk." Jasper said with a hint of excitement in his voice.
The Cottage was beyond beautiful; it was cozy and comforting, having an old home feel to it. It reminded me of my grandmother's house in some ways. That was the only home I'd lived in throughout my life that had felt remotely close to an actual home for me and not just a house. That's the main reason that I refused to sell it after she died and left it to me. It never occurred to me even when I could have really used the money.
"Jasper, this place is amazing," I told him while walking around the main living area, soaking in the ambience.
"Isn't it?" He replied. "I love to come here to escape the city and hide away when I need time to refocus or just be alone." He had a look of sorrow on his face and I could just imagine that when he would come here it was to think about Edward or to deal with the pain of having a broken heart. I wondered if he'd ever brought Alice here. But I didn't feel comfortable bringing her up, as they'd both made it pretty clear to me that she was persona non-grata conversation piece this weekend.
"Through here is the kitchen and dining area," he said pointing to a large open kitchen with a small dining room with a magnificent view of the beach. "And on this side of the hallway are the master bedroom and the guest room." He pointed to the small hallway that went in the opposite direction.
I walked into the kitchen to check out the work space, as I planned to prepare homemade Lasagna for the boys tonight. I loved to cook and I know Jasper probably hasn't had a home cooked meal in a while. This kitchen space was exquisite and I could tell that it had been expertly designed to accommodate someone who liked to cook.
I heard the guys talking as they walked down the other hall way, I guess they went to put our bags away. So I went to the refrigerator and started taking out all the ingredients that Jasper had purchased per my request. He refused to let me get the groceries but was willing to take a list of the things I would need.
I started searching the cabinets for the things I would need to prepare. I was lost in the process of cooking when I felt eyes on me. I turned to look over my shoulder and I saw Jasper and Edward both standing with an arm around each other's others backs with a grin on both of their faces. I smiled and asked "Why are you two looking at me like the cats that ate the motherfucking canary?" I giggled as they both tried to hold in a laugh. They looked so cute with those innocent looking faces.
Seeing the two of them side by side like that made my stomach quell with anticipation and a small amount of fear. I'd always felt Jasper's pull towards Edward when we'd been around him in the past. It had always made me crazy with anxiety that somehow Jasper was going to try and take Edward away from me. Now that I was getting to know Jasper and was growing to love him as a trusted friend, I knew that was not the case. I know it's crazy to think about it that way, but I trust Jasper. He loves Edward, I have no doubt about that but he doesn't have the strength in himself to pull Edward away from me.
And we've had several conversations about his feelings for Alice over the past week, I could tell he was in love with her, he just didn't see it yet. The way he sounded when he talked about Edward always had an edge of sorrow to it but when he opened up about Alice it was nothing but sunshine and joy. But, I let it be, I listened when he talked, never really offering him my opinion. He needed to see it for himself. I would be so happy for him when that happened as I'd grown to care about Jasper and just wanted to see him free of the sadness that clouded his heart.
This wasn't an easy part of this equation, knowing that I'd be sharing Edward with his former lover, but I was trying to put out of my head the deeper connection between the two of them. I was trying to focus on the sexual part of it and leave the emotional part out….it wasn't easy. I had fears, tons of them, but I wasn't going to let them hold me back. I wanted this, on a sexual level I wanted to see this kinkiness up close and personal.
And it was starting, right in front of me as I saw Edward lean over to whisper something to Jasper in his ear, the ease of chemistry between them was undeniable and I felt myself getting drenched.
There was something so sexy about them together and I couldn't wait for them to see what I had planned for later.
"I hope you boys are hungry, I've been looking forward to cooking this meal all week." I said to them as they both smiled and starting mumbling about it smelling good already. "Edward, would you please open a bottle of wine and Jasper, why don't you put some music on," I called out to them wanting to seem like I had the upper hand. They both agreed and went about their tasks I'd given them.
I went back to prepping the food and soon felt a pair of strong hands grasping my hips and then I felt Edwards hard on pressing into my lower back. "Here you go, Love," he said placing a full glass of wine in front of me on the counter. I leaned back into him, relishing the feel of his body behind mine, "Thank you baby," I said turning my head around for a kiss. He kissed me hard, moaning into my mouth.
Pulling back he whispered, "Fuck, baby, I'm so hard already." His eyes were full of lust and I could tell he wasn't going to last long the first time around tonight. "Just wait baby, there's plenty of time," I giggled out at him, palming his cock through his jeans as I heard Jasper letting out a gasp from across the room. I smirked looking at him, "See something you like back there." I teased at him further by grinding my ass into Edward's cock, causing Edward to let out a low hiss at the contact.
"You guys need to relax a little, enjoy some wine, catch up, let me finish dinner then we can all talk for a bit." I said looking back and forth between the two of them. They were both tense from their obvious arousal and I could tell I was going to need to speed things along.
Turning around, I pushed Edward back a little telling him, "Go, sit at the bar with Jasper, try to calm down a little." His eyes twinkled as he whispered into my hair, "Not gonna happen little girl." I laughed and pushed him towards the counter behind him, turning back around to put the ingredients in the pan so I could get it all into the oven.
I finished up, grabbed my wine glass that now needing refilling and walked over to where they were both sitting. Edward quickly filled up my glass and I nodded to the living area so that we could get this weekend started by getting things out in the open.
It amazed me the utter ease I was feeling but it could have just been the wine relaxing me. Jasper seemed a lot more relaxed than normal, as well. Edward however was a walking stiff dick and I could tell he needed some release and quickly at that. I needed him to chill out and see that if we were comfortable, then he should be as well.
I quickly took a seat on one end of the couch, motioning for them to both sit down there as well. Edward sat in the middle and Jasper sat semi facing the center, like me.
"Jasper, what would you be doing if I weren't here right now and this was a typical evening that you spent with Edward?" I asked curiously.
"Um," he blushed and looked down grinning before looking back up at me with his eyes sparkling, "I would probably be on my knees with Edward's dick down my throat." He replied honestly.
"So what's stopping you now?" I quickly replied, wanting to see if he was seeing where I was going with this.
"Oh, well, I wasn't sure, I mean…Bella, really you want me to just take him?" He looked at me with shock in his eyes. Edward turned to stare at me too with a look of pure questioning on his face.
I laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Jasper, what I am trying to tell you is that you need to relax, even though I'm here, I want you to get out of this weekend what you are seeking. If giving Edward head is what you need, then by all means, do it because honestly, right now, he could use the release," I laughed out at both of them as they laughed back at me and visibly relaxed.
I could see the bulge in Edward's pants twitch a little and I nodded to Jasper as he took notice of where my eyes were focused. He gulped and reached out with a shaky hand to palm Edward's cock through his jeans. They both moaned at the same time and I couldn't control the feeling of anxiety and excitement running through me. I knew my panties were drenched but it didn't stop that small dose of fear swirling in the pit of my stomach, either. Watching them as they looked at one another, I held a breath, waiting for the sheer magnitude of the situation to hit me.
I felt my chest constrict as Jasper slowly started unzipping Edwards jeans and then undoing the button.
This was it, my moment of truth.
Could I truly sit here and watch this and not want to run away in agony at the sight of their lust for each other?
Jasper moved off the couch and down to the floor off the couch and in front of Edward. I gasped as Edward lifted his hips up so Jasper could pull his jeans and boxers down. Edward's luscious cock sprang free and I watched as Jasper's eyes never lost sight of it as he pulled Edward's jeans all the way down and out of the way.
Jasper glanced at me, and I nodded my approval. I could feel my heart racing and I couldn't have forced my eyes away even if I was looking straight into the scorching sun. My eyes were glued to the scene in front of me as Jasper lowered his mouth, licking the pre-cum off the tip of Edward's dick before slowly licking his way down and then back up the length of the shaft. I realized at that moment that I was somewhat panting in anticipation just as Edward was.
Jasper slowly took the tip inside his lips before gradually sucking down the head to engulf Edward's whole cock in his mouth. I think all three of us moaned out in relief and I could feel my clit throbbing. I wasn't ready to participate though. I had a plan and I was sticking to it. While I had not planned for this to happen so soon, there was no way I could stop it now, it was too erotic to watch.
Edward reached out for me, pulling me into his side as Jasper continued to suck on his cock, he managed to bring me close enough to kiss me deep and full of lust. While our tongues quickly fought for control, he couldn't stop moaning into my mouth so I pulled back watching his eyes roll back into his head. His hands quickly made their way to Jasper's hair, moving his head in time with his thrusts. Jasper's eyes were closed and his hands were anchored around Edward's thighs, holding him tight. He picked up the pace as he allowed Edward to essentially fuck his mouth and I instantly got jealous as this was one of my favorite things to do with Edward. I watched in envy knowing that his hot cum was about to burst down Jasper's throat as Edward's stomach tightened visibly and his back arched allowing him to go deeper down Jasper's throat.
Jasper stilled his movements as Edward pushed up into him with three quick tense arches and they both moaned out with Edward's orgasm hitting him hard. I couldn't help but feel a slight tingle of envy as I felt my pussy throb and with no relief to be found for the poor thing.
Just then a buzz started sounding from the kitchen and I knew that my dinner was ready to come out of the oven. I quickly stood up as Edward reached out to grab my wrist, "I love you," he whispered with a look of desire in his eyes. I leaned down to kiss him as Jasper was licking him clean, straightened up and told them to finish up and join me in the dining room in a few minutes.
Edward quickly pulled Jasper to him, kissing him hard. I knew he loved the taste of himself in my mouth, and Jasper's as well, I guessed. I almost felt like I was intruding as I watched their lips connect but I continued to walk away thinking about how it would feel from Jasper's end when he sees Edward and me together.
It was going to be an interesting night, that's for sure.
PART 2
**JPOV**
I can't believe I just gave Edward head with Bella watching. I knew that she would eventually watch us but I just didn't expect it to be so quick. I mean our night had barely begun and for her so freely to just serve Edward up like that shocked the shit out of me. But who was I turn his dick down? I mean wasn't that what we were here for and if we had been alone I would have thrown him up against the wall and gone down on him the minute he had walked in the door.
The minute they'd pulled into the drive my cock had hardened in anticipation of what was to come. When we walked into the bedroom to put their bags away it took all the strength I had not to push him onto the bed and have my way with him. But since Bella was not in the room with us, I was trying to gauge his emotions. I also knew that it was too soon.
Keeping my hands off him was proving to be harder than I imagined so when he reached out to touch me earlier I stopped restraining myself. When he pulled me into that kiss after he came in my throat, I was so ready to just strip us both down and get it over with, however, I knew that Bella had a plan. We kissed for several minutes before I finally pulled back, needing to find my breath. Kissing him again was sending my heart into overdrive and I just knew it was going to pound a dent into my chest. He let out a small laugh holding my eyes before he said, "Nice to see some things haven't changed, huh Jasper?"
I couldn't help but smile and let out a little sigh of relief that he felt the pull too. "Let's get you dressed and go enjoy the amazing smelling food your wife has fixed for us," I said pulling him to his feet while I grabbed his jeans and slid them back up his legs, allowing my fingers to linger as I went up. Fuck his body was just as glorious as I remembered it, but more defined and toned.
He pulled me to my feet after he tucked himself back in and buttoned up. "I can't wait to return the favor," he whispered out before planting a small kiss to my lips. Groaning, I grabbed his hand pulling him towards the dining room where Bella was putting the last of the dishes on the table.
Edward sat at the head of the table while I was on his left and Bella to his right. It seemed appropriate to sit to the right, as she was his wife, and I was just a minor player in the game.
"Bella, baby, this looks delicious," Edward told her while I agreed. She had really outdone herself fixing homemade lasagna, a fresh salad and garlic bread. I couldn't wait to dig into something homemade since I mainly ate sandwiches, cereal or take out as my regular meals. It had been a while since I'd had a real home cooked meal.
"Thank you," she shyly replied. I chuckled at her shyness, where was that assertive and confident woman I'd watched just a few minutes before? She truly was one of a kind, that's for sure.
"Jasper do you have a plan for the weekend?" Edward inquired.
"Um….not really, Edward, I know that Bella and I discussed a few things and I think she's got a plan for tonight then I guess we'll just wing it, so to speak." I said glancing at Bella as she smiled wide and nodded her head back at us.
"Edward, just relax and enjoy the meal." Bella said, pulling his hand into her as she placed it on the table. We spent the rest of the meal casually chatting, laughing and genuinely having a good time. It felt so peaceful to me. While it wasn't ideal, it just felt good to be in Edward's presence without having to be on guard or hiding my emotions. I could feel the love I felt for him swirling through me and my heart felt like little cracks were being patched up.
Once we were done eating we insisted on clearing the table as Bella had cooked and pretty well cleaned up the kitchen after cooking. She told us that she had something to prepare in the bedroom and to join her once we were done.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being curious as to what she had up her sleeve but as long as it got me inside Edward, I didn't really care at this point. My dick was hard enough to cut diamonds and I could not wait to feel his bare skin against mine.
"Thank you, Jasper for being so accommodating with Bella." Edward said as we carried dishes to the kitchen sink.
"Edward, I adore Bella and I don't want this to be a painful experience for her. I know what I'm asking of her and I could not imagine intentionally hurting her. If she needs things to be her way then who am I to say no?" I answered honestly.
He grabbed my face pulling my lips towards his, "That's one of the things I loved about you Jasper, the ability your heart has to put others first, you and Bella are so much alike in that regard," he said in a whisper before placing his lips on mine. I got drunk on the feel of his tongue in my mouth, pulling him into my arms to hold him tighter, like I was afraid he'd disappear. He gripped my ass in his hands, thrusting up against my throbbing hard on. I moaned as I felt how hard he was, too. He slowly pulled back, putting his forehead against mine, holding my eyes with his. "Fuck, Jasper," he whispered.
"I know, Edward," I sighed at the feel of him so closely pushed up against me. We stood there for several minutes, just looking at each other, reconnecting our bodies in a way they hadn't been for years.
For a minute I thought I saw such deep longing and regret flash through his eyes, and I wondered where that was coming from. I knew his connection to Bella was strong. I didn't doubt his love for her, but for some reason, I felt a moment of 'what if' pass by on his face. He seemed to be feeling a myriad of emotions that I hadn't expected, to be honest.
I still felt nothing but deep love for him, but having him like this in my arms, feeling how easy it seemed, I also felt a separation. Something was different. He was different. I was different. The chemistry was still as strong and the desire still deep but the emotions had shifted somewhat. I don't know if it was the darkness that had lived in my heart for the past three years or if it was the fact that I was expecting the feelings to lessen over the next forty-eight hours. But something was infinitely different within my soul, in regards to the heaviness of my feelings for Edward.
"We better not keep that pretty lady waiting, Edward." I whispered. He smiled, leaned in for a quick peck and let go of me, keeping his hand in mine. "No, we shouldn't," he replied pulling me towards the door.
We walked slowly down the hall, stopping just as we got to the door, "Ready?" he asked me, looking a little overwhelmed. I caressed his cheek with my fingers, "It'll be okay, Edward." He let out a long breath and turned the knob pushing the door completely open to reveal Bella standing in the center of the floor in nothing but a midnight blue sheer gown. We both stopped when we saw her, I could feel Edward tense up and let out a long steady breathe, pulling me tighter against him.
"So beautiful, isn't she?" He whispered.
"Yes, she truly is." I replied, feeling him pull away from me towards her. As he released my hand to walk to her, I moved around to sit on a chaise lounge in the corner of the room. This was her moment and I would follow whatever lead she provided me. I watched as Edward caressed every inch of her skin that he could touch, his eyes never leaving hers and not an inch of space between their bodies. They truly were beyond magnificent together.
"You are so beautiful," he whispered to her while slowly pulling the straps of her gown off her shoulders, kissing a path down her arm as the silk flowed softly to the floor revealing her porcelain bare skin. He continued to kiss every sliver of skin he could reach with his lips, as she started unbuttoning his shirt then his jeans. She undressed him revealing his insanely gorgeous body as I held my breath at seeing him in the flesh, once again.
My dick was about to revolt and burst through the denim confines I had it trapped in. Watching them together was beyond erotic and I refused to look away. I slowly removed my clothing as they made their way to the bed where Edward laid Bella down so I could watch his face as he worshipped her body. "So perfect, baby," he whispered to her as he leaned down to kiss from her collarbone to the swell of her breast. I could tell that he laid her out this way so that it minimized what I saw of her but gave me a full view of him. As he took her nipple into his mouth, I grasped my cock, slowly stroking a few times to relieve some of the pressure building inside.
Bella arched her back up to force her breast deeper into his mouth as I noticed his hand trailing down between her legs, slowly moving into her pussy causing her to moan out his name and begging him for more.
He moved his mouth over her chest to the neglected nipple, pulling his fingers out of her and up to his mouth, slowly sucking her juices off his fingers. It's was almost enough for me to cum in my hand by watching him.
I released a breath I didn't know I'd been holding as he started to turn her towards the top of the bed, instructing her to grab the headboard. As she did, I saw him line up his cock and that's when I noticed some ink on his back. I didn't know that he had gotten a tattoo….what the fuck was it? It was about four inches long, curvy lines and black. I slowly stood to walk towards the bed to get a better look, all the while slowly stroking my cock to the thought of ink on his perfect body.
I heard both of them cry out as he entered her, which drew my attention back to his ass as it started flexing and releasing with the strokes he was pumping into her.
Then I saw it. That motherfucking Treble clef right there on his skin in black ink, surrounded by a guitar on one end… my guitar, with piano keys around the bottom end with music notes running all around the rest. Seeing the tattoo that held a piece of me engraved in his skin, my body took over, the urge to push into him was overwhelming. He had my guitar motherfucking tattooed on his back…I knew it was mine because it had the blue flames running around the neck like mine did.
I quickly searched the room for the items I needed and needed NOW. I spotted the lube and condoms lying on the bedside table. I quickly retrieved them and returned to my spot at the foot of the bed. Stroking my cock a few times, I opened the package and pulled the condom on, lathering it up with lube, then crawling across the bed putting my hands harshly on Edward's ass cheeks, spreading them only to see something there. He had a motherfucking anal plug in. I had to have him and the urge to thrust into him too urgent, knowing he was prepared for me to take him.
Leaning forward I removed the plug, and I whispered into his ear, "Get ready because this won't be gentle." I thrust the tip of my cock quickly inside his ass. He gasped and I moaned at the feel of his tightness. He stopped the thrusting rhythm inside Bella. He was waiting for me to take him so I thrust deep inside him, not slowing, nor waiting for him to adjust.
He screamed out. I wasn't sure if it was in pain or pleasure. I couldn't be sure but I wasn't motherfucking stopping no matter what anyway so I allowed the worry to leave my mind. He had my fucking guitar tattooed on his motherfucking back, I didn't care that his dick was buried balls deep inside Bella. My dick was buried balls deep in his ass and it felt glorious.
I quickly set a pace of pumping into him fast and needy. I could feel him pushing into her with each thrust I pushed deeper into him. She was moaning and writhing around under him. I glanced over his shoulder. I could tell he had a hand on her clit as he was leaning over her on one arm trying to hold his torso up. I was relentless in my pounding, entering him, pushing deeper inside, over and over again. I knew he came inside of her as they both cried out in release so I grabbed his hips forcefully, keeping his body right where I wanted him, knowing that my release wasn't far behind theirs. He turned to watch me over his shoulder and I felt the pressure building in my balls as he watched me, holding my eyes to his. "Let go, Jasper." He whispered as I thrust one more time feeling my hot white cum shoot through me with a force I hadn't felt in years.
Gasping for breath I leaned down onto him holding still as to avoid slipping out of him. I wasn't ready for that connection to end just yet. "Fuck Edward," I panted out, desperately wanting to call him baby in that moment. I leaned down to kiss the ink on his back feeling him shiver slightly. I slowly pulled my body from inside his, needing to step back from that emotional pull he held over me, as I regained my senses and my breath.
They were both coming down from their highs when I felt Bella pull herself under the bedcovers that were turned back. Edward pulled me around to his other side so that he was in between us. I slowly pulled away, knowing I had to get rid of the condom and clean up a bit. "Excuse me, I'll be right back." I said moving towards my clothing on the floor, grabbing my boxers and headed into the master bathroom.
When I closed the door behind me, I rested my head against it, I willed my breathing to come under control. I could hear them whispering so I went about disposing of the condom. I quickly washed my dick and splashed some cold water on my face.
My mind was spinning out of control. Why had he never told me about the tattoo? Why did he have my guitar inked on his back if he never loved me? What the fuck was going on with him?
Suddenly there was a small knock on the door, "Jasper, are you okay?" I heard Edward ask.
"Yeah, Edward, I'm fine. I'll be right out." I responded.
PART 3
"Come on, Jasper, come lay with us." He said quietly, his eyes dancing, as he led me towards the bed with his hand in mine. He crawled in first lying with his back semi propped up on the pillows. Bella snuggled into his side with her head on his chest and I quickly did the same on my side.
He pulled an arm around each of us, keeping us tight and close to him. I closed my eyes, relaxing into him, feeling his skin on mine tonight far exceeded the memory of how majestic his bare skin used to feel on mine. I know that he could feel my hardened length pulsing on his thigh as I wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him tighter to me.
"Jasper, do you need some help with that, um, situation?" Edward eyes gleamed at me as I opened my eyes to see him staring at me with pure wanton lust in his beautiful green orbs.
I glanced at Bella, almost as if looking for approval or permission but she had a look of indifference on her face, which worried me slightly. This was all a little overwhelming to me. I couldn't imagine how she was dealing with it.
"I think I'd really like that Edward, what did you have in mind?" I asked as I pulled back to lie on my elbow.
"Bella, baby, are you up for round two?" Edward said as he pulled her chin up to look into her eyes.
A cocky grin crossed her face, "You know I am, love. What do you have in mind?" She pulled herself up onto her elbow where we both now sat watching him for direction.
"I'd really like to have Jasper's cock in my mouth," He answered while moving his hand down my body to stroke my erection causing me to moan heavily out loud. My eyes went to his hand on me and I couldn't help that the sight caused my eyes roll back into my head. I hadn't felt his hands on me in so long; it was a moment of pure bliss.
"Oh, well… where do you want me," Bella giggled out, seemingly turned on by what she was witnessing.
"I want you riding my dick, baby, cowgirl, please," It almost seemed like he was begging by the tone of his voice.
I could feel Bella get up from where she had laid as Edward pulled his hand off my cock. My eyes snapped open, feeling him grasping my arms to pull me over him, straddling his chest. He knew I absolutely loved this position with my cock in his mouth it gave me a great view while I fucked his mouth.
I sat up, pulled my boxers off, threw them across the room and moved to straddle Edward's face.
"Are you ready baby?" Edward called out to Bella.
"Mmmhmmm, sooo ready," she quickly replied, drawing out her words. I looked back over my shoulder just in time to see her licking the pre-cum off the tip of his glorious dick. She then sat up and turned with her back to me, sinking down onto Edward's cock.
I felt Edward's hands tighten their grip on top of my thighs and I turned to see his face shining with pure desire up at me. I placed the tip of my cock on his lower lip watching as his tongue snaked out to lick the swell of moisture gathered there.
My mouth fell open with the anticipation of his mouth on my rock hard length…and the most delectable twinge of fire soared through me as I sank my cock down into Edward's mouth.
Heat.
Wet.
Perfect.
I growled as my eyes rolled back into my head trying to hold off on the deep desire to thrust further into his mouth. When he started sucking me a little harder, swirling his tongue around my shaft I couldn't help but lower my eyes to watch myself slide in and out of his mouth. I grabbed the headboard to hold me up, as I pulled my cock further out of his mouth. I let him know that I wanted control, not him. He watched me, his eyes glistening, he showed me that he would wait on me to lead this. I slowly sank back into Edward's mouth as he hollowed out his cheeks with a hard pull on my way back up.
"Fuck, Edward, your mouth feels so amazing, ba…." I caught myself as I started to say baby. It brought reality crashing back down to me. As I continued fucking Edward's mouth, something felt off, not quite right. It's like a hollow part of my heart was filled with searing pain….and then as I reached to put my hand over my heart to touch the hurt, Alice's face ran through my mind.
I sucked in a deep breath, closed my eyes, I held back a tear I felt forming. What the fuck am I doing?
Just then I felt Edward's hands as they pulled my arms down off the headboard, he fanned his fingers between mine, he held me tightly. He lightly scraped his teeth across my dick to get my attention. I slowly opened my eyes to see his gable green eyes as they searched mine. He was here, beneath me, sucking me off…this was all that I'd wanted for so long, yet there was a pull that nagged at me in the back of mind that told me this was wrong. He was wrong. I was wrong.
I closed my eyes, shook off those feelings as I sunk back into his mouth. I picked up my pace and fucked his mouth, hard, rough and unforgiving.
Edward started to moan and I could feel him buck his hips upwards. I snapped back into the realm of this room to hear Bella moan, mumbling and scream out, as I assumed her orgasm hit her hard.
Edward tightened his grip on my thighs, digging his fingers into my skin, he pulled me down his wide open throat as I felt the fire shoot through me in three long streams of blazing heat that released from my cock.
"Edddddwaaarrrrrrrdddddddddd, fuck…" I screamed out and leaned my whole body forward towards the wall and headboard. My body panted for air as I opened my eyes to see him stare at me. He licked me clean before he popped me out of his mouth, I felt Bella climb off the bed before saying, "I'll be right, I'm going to take a quick shower."
"Okay baby," Edward replied to her while his eyes maintained contact with mine.
I crawled off of Edward and I laid down facing him while on my side. I left a fair amount of space between us. We watched each other and I couldn't help but let my thoughts churn wildly.
Was this it? Had I finally been able to let him go? Staring at him this way, with us both lying on our sides took me back to that night years ago when we were almost in the same exact positions. That had been one of the most magical moments of my life but now….it was one of the most painful.
I was filled with so much confusion and uncertainty. I had loved Edward for so long and I had never, not ever felt this conflicted about being with him. And the hurt in my chest…it felt like he'd left me all over again.
I fought to hold the tears that I knew were lining my eyes. He wouldn't understand, I don't think.
"Jasper?" He said as he reached to stroke my cheek. It was meant to be comforting, soothing and to convey some emotion but it felt shallow. The depth behind it wasn't there in the way I'd remembered.
"Where are you, Jasper, because you seem a million miles from me right now." He very quietly said. His eyes searched mine for something, recognition maybe.
"I'm here, Edward. I see you, I know where you are." I offered with a single tear slipping through my emotional barricade.
"What did I do to you? How badly have I hurt you, Jasper?" he softly cried to me, running his thumb along my jaw line.
I let out a small sob as the tears took over and I let the past three years of hurt, agony and desperation pour from me in the wetness on my cheeks.
He scrambled across the space between us, pulled me into his arms, and tucked my head into the crook of his neck. "Shhhhh baby, I've got you," he whispered into my ear so quietly, over and over again. I didn't think I would ever be able to stop crying as we laid there for what felt like hours.
I felt sleep knocking on my mentally and emotionally spent mind and I welcomed it with open arms. Wrapped up in Edward's arms, I closed my eyes and gave in.
**BPOV**
After walking out of the bathroom, relaxed and sated, I was completely unprepared for the scene before me. Edward and Jasper were wrapped around each other. I could tell by both of their faces they had been crying. Unable to look away, even while an unyielded pain seized my heart, I felt the tears form in my eyes.
What had they said one another? Had they reconnected and felt I was no longer necessary? My mind reeled with sheer devastation as the thoughts of my dream played out in my head. The look on Edward's face in that nightmare will forever haunt my living minutes.
Finally my feet found the will to move again and I started to move towards the bed, unsure if I should join them or move to another room. Having not known what transpired between them left me floundering with unanswered questions and doubts.
Edward's eyes snapped open and he his eyes started to search the dimly lit room, until he rested them upon me.
"Hey," he spoke quietly, almost completely muted.
"Hi." I said as I stood beside the bed, still uneasy with not knowing what to do.
He slowly started to untangle himself from Jasper before I put up my hands in protest. "Edward, he clearly needed you to hold him, I'll just go sleep in the other room." I said while I dropped my eyes to my study my hands, specifically on my wedding ring.
"No baby, I want you here, I need you here. Please come here and lie with me," Clearly he pleaded with me to look at him with his voice since I hadn't looked up to him yet.
"Are you sure? I don't want to intrude or be in the way." I asked finally looking up to see his face full of confusion.
"Baby, no, don't think that way, I want you here, Jasper wants you here. You are NOT intruding," He said as his voice came out in full force. He moved out of Jasper's arms, and laid him off to the side on the pillow. Edward then opened his arms up to me in an attempt to get me in the bed.
I crawled in and slipped into his arms, I relaxed momentarily before I asked, "Is Jasper alright?" Suddenly I wished that I were anywhere but here in this situation. I thought that I was strong enough to handle all of this without my emotions coming into play. Boy was I wrong.
"He's had a rough night, love, but I think he'll be okay. He's carried a lot of hurt around for a while. I truly hope he can get over it like he thought he could." He said with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
"Sleep baby girl, I know you must be exhausted." He pulled me deeper into his embrace, tucked my head under his chin, like our normal sleeping position.
I didn't think there was any form of rest that was going to help me, at the moment. But I laid there until I felt him fall asleep and his breathing even out.
After I knew he was deep in sleep I crawled out of bed, grabbed a blanket out of the closet and went outside to sit on the deck. I needed to step back for a moment and think about what I've allowed to happen.
As I looked back into the room, I sighed at the sight of them lying in bed together. Jasper had moved over to spoon with Edward and had his arm draped around Edward's stomach. He clearly loved him very much, I could see it in every touch, feel it in every movement and hear it as he cried out Edward's name when he came.
What had I done by agreeing to this? Had I sealed my fate? Would I let Jasper just take Edward from me?
No, no, no, I knew that Edward loved me, sometimes beyond reason and he would never just let me go. He needed me just as much as I needed him.
When the waves rolled off the ocean, I felt like I was stuck in the rip tide, being pushed under and unable to reach the surface. Then I allowed the tears to fall from my eyes and I hoped they could wash away the doubts and insecurities that I felt.
"Little girl, why are you sitting out here all alone?" Jasper quietly asked as he sat down next to me on the lounge chair. "Are you crying beautiful Bella?" He asked as he reached out to smooth away the wetness from my cheeks.
"Just needed to clear my head," I replied. We both continued to stare out at the moonlight that shone on the water.
"Bella?" Jasper said as he pulled my chin to force me to face him, his eyes scanned mine. "Talk to me," he pleaded.
"Jasper, are you going to fight for Edward? Are you going to try and take him from me?" I couldn't hold the fresh tears that slid out of my eyes.
He quickly pulled me into an embrace, "No, Bella, he is yours…I know now his heart was never mine to have. His heart has always belonged to you," he pulled away from me to look me in the face, "His heart is only yours. Don't ever doubt that."
"But you were both crying and you were holding each other and …." I sobbed out, unable to control the depth of emotions that poured out of me.
He pulled me back tight against me, "Shhshhshh little one, you misunderstood what you saw. He was comforting me but it wasn't what you thought." Once again, he pulled away to look me in the eyes, but this time he hesitated for a moment, "I finally feel like I could let him go. Bella, I now know that my heart belongs to someone else. I felt overwhelmed as I realized that Edward wasn't right for me ….he doesn't own me anymore." I heard the relief and anxiety in his voice. But I also heard honesty.
"Jasper, what does that mean?" I needed to hear him say it.
"It means Bella, that I know who I'm in love with and I know that it isn't Edward. I know that the hurt I've carried around for so long is gone. I got a little freaked out when it all started to happen and it overwhelmed me….I'm sure he didn't understand that I cried because I wasn't in love with him anymore." He looked at me with a small smirk on his face.
"But Bella, he's carried a lot of guilt and remorse over our break up and my subsequent feelings. You can't let him do that. You can't let him sink into those feelings." He said as he gripped my hands tightly. "But most of all Bella, YOU have to let go of these doubts and insecurities you have. .YOU. And only you, beautiful Bella." He smiled at me, all the while he tried to reassure me.
"I know he loves me Jasper. But you know what's it like when he leaves…knowing you now and talking to you about it has shown me that I know I wouldn't survive what you went through." As I spoke his face squashed up in a painful manner.
"Bella, stop, Edward would never walk away from you. He would never leave you. Don't you see? You are 'The One' for him, there is no other and there will never be another."
He sat back on the lounge, he pulled me down with him, like a protective hug from the heaviness I felt. I loved Jasper. I know it seemed weird given the situation we were in but I knew that after this was all over and the dust settled that he'd become one of my closest friends apart from Edward.
"Jasper, I need your help with something tomorrow, if that's okay?" I asked him, I hoped he would go along with what I wanted.
"Sure darlin', anything you need," he answered me.
I just hoped it wouldn't backfire on me when Edward had to experience what I had in mind.
But I had to know one way or the other.
**3 years ago - Night of the Bachelor party**
I had been dreading this night for months. I wasn't sure what to even be prepared for. Would Edward even try to talk to me? Would you ignore me altogether? Would he pretend like we were old friends? I just didn't know what to expect.
Seth, Emmett's little brother had just turned twenty-one, so he was a little inexperienced in the realm of adult parties and entertainment choices, so he had asked me for some advice on what to do. I had suggested renting a limo, for one thing, we didn't need a bunch of drunks hailing down expensive ass cabs or attempting to drive drunk. He really liked that idea. Then for entertainment he wanted to hit up some strip joints, I quickly nixed that idea. That wasn't my style, Edward's style and I knew most definitely that Rosalie would throw a fit even though it would be Emmett's style to visit a titty-bar.
I knew that Tyler would be there, so I'd have at least one other person besides Seth and Emmett to hang with and talk to. But Edward was a wild card for me at the moment. I just needed to make sure that the things we chose to do would keep several people involved at a time so as to create little opportunity for him to approach me. Being holed up in the limo with him was going to be hard enough, as it was.
We finally decided on starting at the batting cages, one of Emmett's favorite things to do. We'd then go to our favorite sports bar for some more beers and dinner before going to our favorite club, Melt.
Little did I know how pivotal that club would become to my life after this night.
I figured the club scene would be enough of a distraction with the loud music, sea of people and available alcohol. I could easily get lost when I needed to escape from being in Edward's presence.
Seth loved all the ideas and went about setting everything up with all the other guys. The limo was due to pick me up any minute now and I was pacing my studio trying to calm down. When Seth buzzed my door, I damn near jumped out of my skin. "Please let this night end quickly and relatively smoothly," I prayed.
When I got into the limo, it was almost full already. Emmett was pumped up, and full of excitement. He was loud and boisterous when he went around introducing me to his friends that I didn't know that were already in the limo. Brady and Garrett I'd seen around campus a while back and I knew Tyler and Eric. He introduced me to Ben and Mike who were from his hometown and had flown in for the event.
We still had to pick up Edward and Riley.
We stopped to get Riley before going to Edward's apartment. It would be the first time I'd been there since the last night we were together. I hadn't anticipated this, at all. I was trying to remain calm and downed a whole high-ball of whiskey. I couldn't let my emotions get the best of me, especially in this crowd. I also needed to move seats because as it was, I'd wind up directly next to Edward in the rear seat. I told Tyler to scoot over and I moved quickly once we stopped outside his apartment.
Just as Edward was standing at the doorway kissing Bella goodbye Riley's cell phone rang and he had to step out of the limo to take the call. His wife was 9 months pregnant and due any time, so he had to make sure he wasn't getting the call to head home. I quickly took his seat at the front of the limo, grateful for the distance I'd gained from where Edward would be sitting.
"Get a room" Emmett yelled while standing up through the sunroof. This caused Bella to flip him off and Edward picked Bella up and spun her around. I couldn't bear to watch and I certainly didn't want to see the glint of the diamond on her left hand. They'd been engaged for 3 weeks now, and I still didn't want to believe it. The girls were also having Rosalie's Bachelorette party tonight but they weren't going until much, much later, according to Alice.
Riley climbed back in the limo, slipped into my now empty seat and Edward climbed in behind him.
Several of the guys started congratulating him on his proposing and making jokes about him now having a noose around his neck, too. He laughed it off, saying hi to all the guys before finally making eye contact with me.
"Hey Jas, how are you?" he asked casually.
"I'm good. Congratulations on the engagement," I said raising my glass in a mock toast. I quickly swallowed the contents of my glass and poured another as he became involved with a sports conversation with Tyler. Thankfully it took his attention away from me and I was able to start a conversation of my own with Riley.
We arrived at the Batting cages and to say that Emmett was excited was beyond belief. You'd think he was twelve not a twenty-six year old College graduated about to get married. It's one of the things that I love about my friendship with Emmett. He makes me forget the troubles of my world and just have fun.
We all get out of the limo and I made sure to stay as far away from Edward as possible. Thankfully, I had Tyler and a few of the other guys to keep me distracted. We all get our bats, hats and divide up amongst the four cages that we have rented. I wound up with Tyler and Riley. Tyler's going on and on about this chic Lauren that he had met at Club Melt while Riley starts razzing him about hitting up on her. Tyler starts bragging about the blow job she gave him in the car on the way back to her apartment. It's definitely not a conversation that I care to be a part of, but I have to force myself to engage in it.
Riley starts talking about how he hasn't had sex in a few months because his wife has been on bed rest due to complications with her pregnancy.
Then Tyler starts in on me. "Hey Jasper, aren't you hitting that hot little piece of ass that you are always hanging around with?" he chuckles out.
"Um, no, actually we're just friends. I don't see her that way." I explained.
"Damn boy, are you blind? A hot little chic like that, I bet she's all kinds of tight and a good fuck." He replies.
"Come on Tyler don't talk about Alice that way. It's just not like that with us." I tell him with a hint of harshness to my voice. "She's a great girl and deserves to be treated better than that." I quickly state.
He starts laughing and slaps me on the back. "Okay, okay, I get it but I still think you're crazy for not tapping that ass."
I step into the batting cage, angry and wishing that I could walk away from this whole night. But I know that I can't so I just take my anger out on some balls trying to hit them as hard as I can to relieve some tension.
I hear Emmett whooping and hollering a few cages down and Seth and Edward laughing right along with him. That just causes more anger to surge through me.
Fuck my life! This isn't how I want to be. I want to be with Edward, enjoying the jokes, sharing my life. Instead I'm stuck in this cage of loneliness and despair unable to feel anything for anyone around me. Because the one person that makes me feel alive doesn't even know it and seemingly doesn't even care.
My turn ends and I exit the cage, I take my hat off, lay my bat back on the wall and head over the tables to sit for a minute. I've got to calm down and get my emotions back in check.
Just as I'm relaxed a bit, Edward comes walking up behind me having returned from a trip to the bathroom. Shit. I hope he doesn't sit down or try to talk to me. I'm not in a comfortable emotional space to make small talk with him.
He walks up and sits down on the bench a few feet from me. "Hey Jasper, you okay?" he asks.
"Yes, Edward, I'm fine." I say, never looking at him for fear of his green eyes capturing mine. I know I won't have any strength to stay away from him if I look at him.
"How are things going for you and Alice?" he asks curiously.
"For the record, Edward," I stop and sigh, closing my eyes, take a deep breath, open my eyes and turn to face him, "Alice and I are just friends."
"Jasper, has Alice told you that she and I used to be best friends?" He looked at me questioningly.
"Yes, she has." I stated.
Just then Seth walks towards us, laughing. "Hey guys, we're just about reading to leave. We need to get everyone back to the limo. We've got reservations at Crickets in thirty minutes."
"Alright Seth, I'll start rounding everyone up." I told him.
I quickly got up and headed towards the cages where Mike, Eric, Tyler and Ben were hanging out. "Come on guys, it's time to head to the bar." I said.
We all piled back into the limo and fortunately I was able to sit upfront while Edward was in the back with Seth and Emmett. I downed another glass of whiskey and tried to join the conversation with Ben and Eric. Soon we arrived at the sports bar. It was packed as the baseball game was on. Thankfully Seth had gotten reservations so we made our way to the private room in the back.
All the guys were talking about the waitresses in the little referee uniforms. I caught Edward staring at me a few times from the other end of the table. I would quickly look away, as I didn't know if I wanted to continue our conversation from earlier. And part of me was hoping he'd motion for me to join him in the bathroom, as that old memory surfaced setting my body on fire.
Yes, it still burns that the last time I touched him was the night he walked away. I don't think I'd ever be able to get over that. At times, I think it fueled my desire for him.
I saw him get up from the table and head towards the door. It took all my strength to stay at the table. Just then Emmett started hollering at me "Hey Jas, you up for some shots?"
"Sure Em. What's your poison tonight?" I asked with a chuckle.
"Patron, please!" He shouted.
"Let me see what I can do, who's in?" I asked the whole table. Once I had a count, I headed to the bar to order a round of shots. As I'm standing there Edward approached me.
"Shot time?" He laughed out.
"Oh yeah, Emmett requested some Patron." I told him, trying not to look at him. There was a bit of tension slicing through the air. I felt awkward being unable to turn and look at Edward. He had to have sensed it too because he cleared his throat and scooted a little closer.
"Hey, Jas, can I ask you something?" he asked cautiously.
"You know you can, Edward. I might not have an answer though." I smiled and chuckled at him.
"Did I do something to offend you? I mean, I thought we'd stay friends. And it's been, umm, uh, you were my best friend not just someone, well, you know." He hesitated and ran his hand through his hair, clearly having a hard time saying what he wanted to say. "Did you take it hard? Was there something I said or did to push you completely out of my life?" He sounded do sad and genuine. I had to look at him. I saw the hurt in his eyes. It made me want to melt into him.
"Oh, wow Edward. No, it was nothing like that. I just thought that with Bella in the picture it would make it easier to just move on. I mean, new relationships are intense and take up a lot of time. I just assumed you'd need to spend a lot of time with her and not want me hanging around all the time." I said, not looking at him for fear he'd see the lie in my eyes.
"That's really all there was to it? There's not something that you aren't telling me?" He questioned.
Firmly nodding my head, "No, Edward. Really, it was just like I said." I choked out. Just then the bartender put a tray of shots on the bar in front of me so I had a good excuse to walk away and get out of this uncomfortable conversation.
**Present Day – Walk home**
Did all of that seriously just happen? I questioned myself. I felt like I was walking on a cloud. There was so much that I had to think about; so much new information that I learned and had swimming around in my head.
Bella blew me away tonight. I never would have imagined her to be the person that I now knew her to be.
When Edward had first walked away from the table I was really scared of what she had to say.
"Jasper, do you know why I wanted to talk to you alone?" She quietly asked.
"I have a pretty good idea but why don't you just tell me, Bella." I replied.
"I have often wondered if you would ever stand up and try and fight me for him. And it's always been my greatest fear that you'd take him away from me." She told me, with a look of fear in her eyes.
"Bella, beautiful Bella…" I almost sobbed out. I never, ever wanted to hurt her. Especially to have her feel the pain I'd lived with for the past three years. He loved her. He had chosen her. He would never forgive me for hurting her. And, because he loved her, I knew in some way, I would too.
"Jasper, how will this really help you get over him? Don't you think it will just cut that wound wide open again?" She paused, looking at her hands before looking back up at me with tears in her eyes.
"He's one of a kind, isn't he?" she asked.
At that moment, I felt her compassion, her pity for me, almost like she felt the pain in my chest and was attempting to soothe it.
"Bella, darling, you have no idea how special I think he is." I said as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I truly wasn't sure that I could have this conversation with her. I opened my eyes to see her sincerity as she nodded her head.
"So tell me, Jasper. Make me understand." She said with a determined tone. "Tell me how having sex with my husband will bring you closure and allow your heart to be free of him. Because I would think it would only fuel your desire for him. I'll listen to what you have to say, but you have to be completely honest and forthright with me."
"Well, Bella, this isn't easy for me. I've never really voiced this out loud to anyone, hell, just admitting it to myself is hard enough most days." I said, willing my tears to not fall. I wasn't sure exactly how to say the words.
"It's okay Jasper. I'm not going to judge you or make you feel stupid for admitting your feelings." She quietly stated while reaching her hand across the table to comfort me with her touch. I think I saw what Edward loved about her in that moment. While I know that this had to be incredibly painful for her, she was trying to offer me support and encouragement to go on.
"I should have told Edward that I was in love with him." I stopped, talking to her about having sex with Edward wasn't easy but I had to in order to tell her why I had to have him again. "I tried to tell him every time we touched, with every kiss, with every movement I made with my body. But the words failed me. I couldn't verbalize them in his presence." My heart felt like it was going to explode with the anxiety coursing through me.
I released her hand, sat up straight and said, "He'd told me from the beginning that he wasn't in this for the long haul. I had agreed because I just wanted him, anyway that he'd let me have him. I didn't stop my heart from letting him in. It's like, I knew that he'd never be mine permanently but I hoped that he'd grow to love me and need me as much as I was completely dependent on him. I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him." I felt raw, open, vulnerable, even. My throat was dry and my tongue felt like lead.
"You see, Bella, if all I'd had was a moment with him, I knew that that moment would be enough to sustain me for a lifetime." I took a drink of coffee, letting the wetness coat my throat before attempting to speak again.
"But he offered me so much more and at times, I felt that maybe he was falling in love with me too. The night that you showed up, he promised me that nothing would change that he still wanted me, needed me…" I had to stop, I was suddenly very aware of the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks.
"Oh geez, Bella, don't cry. Please, beautiful Bella. He'll hate me for making you cry." I whispered to her, reaching across the table to wipe her cheeks.
"Jasper, I'm just sorry that you felt you had to carry this heartache for so long. I wish you had just been honest with him so you could have…I don't know, been happy, been free." She said with a soft smile.
"Bella, I know now that telling him might not have changed a thing. You ARE the love of his life. You are the light in his eyes that I never put there. It's you and you alone do that for him. Please don't ever doubt that. He would have never loved me or felt as complete as he does with you." I honestly told her. No matter how hard it hurt to admit this to her, it was the truth. It was evident in the way he looked at her and touched her. He cherished and worshipped her in a way that he never did with me.
"Bella, I need this weekend to have a chance to tell him goodbye on my terms. To know that I had the chance to show him the depth of my love, the devotion I was never able to verbalize. In order to release him, I need 'my moment' with him. I don't want to hurt you or him and I certainly do not want to destroy your marriage." I tried to show my sincerity through my eyes when I held her stare.
"Jasper, I really don't think this will destroy my marriage…we've got a bond that I know is strong. I love him with every ounce of my being and I know without a doubt that he feels the same for me.
Besides," she paused, blushed and looked down at her coffee cup.
"Bella?"
"Jasper, I kind of enjoy watching and the thought of watching you with him excites me to no end. It scares me too but honestly, knowing how much of a turn on it'll be excites me more." She gushed out.
Her face was bright red and she couldn't look up at me.
I laughed, completely in shock at what she'd just said. "My, oh my, beautiful Bella has a kinky side to her." I laughed again, reaching across the table to lift her chin to make eye contact with me. "He must really enjoy that side of you, huh?" I chuckled at her.
She giggled saying "Um, yes, he does, actually." Her eyes were on fire. In that moment, we clicked, we laughed a few minutes and then she cleared her throat. "Jasper, have you told Alice?" the mood suddenly turning serious again.
"No, Bella, I haven't. She has a history with Edward, you know. I just didn't feel like it was my place to tell her. And now, well, it's been too long, it would only hurt her now. I don't see the point." I exhaled, waiting for her to berate me for lying to Alice.
"You don't think she'd want to know? If you are in love with her, shouldn't you tell her everything, not keep secrets?"
"Bella, it's not a secret. She's never asked for specifics. That's not how we work. She asked a few questions, I gave the most honest answers that I could, at that time, she dropped it and we moved forward, as much as we could anyway." I didn't really want to tell her about my relationship with Alice. Not to be mean, but I felt a need to protect that from this whole proposal. She'd made headway in repairing her relationship with Bella, in small baby steps, but that was her situation to clean up. I didn't want boundaries, confidences and trust to be broken.
"Okay, Jasper, what are your terms? Because I have a few that I need to lay out there, too. But ultimately this has to be Edward's choice. You agree?" she turned all business-like and I smiled.
I fell in love a little with Bella tonight. Not in a romantic way but in a little sister type situation. I knew that this would take an emotional toll on her. But I also felt like it would be good for her in a way too. She had been so young and inexperienced when she met Edward. In a way, it might hurt their relationship but I felt in a stronger way, it might deepen their bond with one another, too.
But me, on the other hand, I was completely scared shitless. Watching them together was something I'd done for so long on an outward, unknown basis. Having to be a witness up close and personal to the chemistry between them, watching them make love, it might drive me insane.
But then the thrill of having Edward naked again, laid out on a bed, while I devoured his body, well my cock was rock hard just thinking of it. As well as thrill of turning her on while she watched he and I together, it was enough to make me cum in my jeans.
When I reached my apartment, I walked in and went straight to my room, shedding all my clothes and turning on the shower. I needed to just let this whole night wash over me.
I had done it, finally. I had confessed to Edward the depths of my soul and he hadn't rebuked me outright. Bella had embraced my hurt and not denied my request. I might be able to relinquish this noose around my soul and free up my heart.
I just had to wait for Edward, again.
**3 years ago – Rosalie's Bridal Shower**
BPOV
I hated having to go to this shower alone. The only people I would know there would be Edward's mom, Elizabeth, Rosalie, her mom, Esme and Alice. I'd never really met any of Rosalie or Alice's other friends. But I adored Rosalie and I knew that I had to be there as we would become family soon enough, as I was engaged to Edward now.
Me, engaged to Edward Cullen. I still had a hard time believing this wasn't all a fairytale. I never imagined I'd meet someone like him. He was insanely gorgeous, talented and I was completely in love with him.
When we'd first met, I really thought he was seeing someone. Alice didn't really give me a lot of details about him except that he was Rosalie's cousin and they'd all been best friends growing up together. She always seemed weirded out when I'd ask questions about Rosalie or Edward and had only briefly told me that she didn't know them as well anymore due to her having to move away from Forks her senior year in High School.
She never really seemed to want to talk about it, so I didn't push. I just told her that if she ever needed to talk about it, I was willing to listen. I adored Alice. She was completely opposite of me. I was plain and boring while she was vivacious and alive. So when she insisted that I go to dinner and a party with her and her old friends, I knew it was useless to resist.
I was shocked that Edward was paying so much attention to me that night. And when we started talking it was like I'd known him forever. We stayed up talking all night long. That was the first time in my life I'd ever done anything like especially with a guy and on top of that a guy like him.
When we parted ways that next morning, I couldn't wait to see him again. He'd told me he had something to take care of and it raised my suspicion that he had been seeing someone. It wasn't until a week later that he told me about Jasper. To say I was shocked would be an accurate guess. But, having gotten to know Edward, I kind of understood his curiosity with the experimental side of it.
I did however need a few days to process all that he'd told me. I was already in love with him by the time he'd told me and it hurt to know that he'd had feelings for someone just hours before he'd met me.
It made me feel like I had caused him to cheat on someone and I was full of guilt over that. He'd tried to reassure me time and time again that it wasn't like that. He'd had a fling with Jasper but there were no strings attached.
Even though I came to terms with it, I always felt like there might be a little more to it than had surfaced between the two of them. He'd told me that he felt love for Jasper but having been so new to the whole experience he didn't think he was actually in love with him. He said they'd parted on good terms but was crushed a few days later when Jasper practically disappeared from his life.
I always feared that Jasper would come back to fight for him. I was so deeply in love with Edward, I knew it would crush me if he left me let for Jasper. I wondered about Jasper and how he really felt about Edward. I mean, this was Edward-freaking-Cullen we were talking about. I can't see him just saying 'okay it's over, see ya around'….but Edward reassured me that was how it had been.
Now, here I am about to walk into the bridal shower and join my future family, and Alice. She just walked out of my life the day after I'd met Edward. No explanation. No details. No nothing. I came home from the library and her half of the room was completely empty. I was crushed. She was my only real friend here on campus and I had no idea what had happened. Then Rosalie came to see me. She and I talked for hours about Edward and how things transpired between us. I came to love her like a big sister. She didn't offer much in the way of explaining Alice's disappearance other than to say it was similar to what happened in High School. I figured that Alice might just be having a personal issue and that I'd just wait to find out if she was coming back again. I thought of her every day and missed her immensely when I wasn't with Edward.
As I walked into the bridal shower, I was greeted by Elizabeth and Esme as they gushed over my dress and admired my ring a few more times. It was their grandmother's ring, so I kind of understood their fawning over it. I often caught myself just sitting and staring at it, too. It was beautiful and perfect for me. Edward knew me so well.
Rosalie and Alice made their way to me, as well. "Bella, you finally made it," Rosalie giggled out.
"That dress is perfect for you, too, I knew it would be didn't you Alice?" A look of complete shock had to have been showing all over my face. Alice had helped pick out my dress? I didn't understand.
"Alice, you helped Rosalie pick out my dress?" I stumbled out.
"Actually, Bella, I made your dress," Alice said, smiling brightly at me.
"You did?" I questioned, still unable to understand this change in her demeanor. She looked genuinely happy to see me and almost like my old friend that I had missed.
"Yes, I did. I knew that you wouldn't want anything to flashy or showy and I thought that Edward would love that color against your skin tone." She said, coming across honest.
"Well, thank you, Alice. I do love the dress and Edward did, in fact, love the color. I really appreciate it." I smiled at her as she moved forward to hug me. It felt good to have a connection to her again but I was hesitant, as well.
"Come on let's get this party started, shall we?" Rosalie said, pulling both of us onto each of her arms and leading us into the living room of her parent's house.
**Present day – Edward and Bella's house**
"Bella, baby, let's take a hot bath and talk about this crazy night," Edward hollered out at me while I was grabbing a couple of bottles of water from the fridge.
"Sure, that sounds great, actually." I hollered back at him.
The drive home had been eerily quiet and the air thick with tension. I knew that Edward was over analyzing everything that had been said. He wasn't thinking about this properly. He was more worried about me than thinking about all of the ramifications for himself in the information we'd learned tonight.
Not only was Jasper still in love with him but he wanted to have sex with him, for a weekend. I was still in quite a bit of shock, myself.
On one hand I was definitely against it. I could lose Edward to Jasper; it could cost me my husband who is my world, my breath, he is my everything.
On the flip side, my pussy was aching with excitement at the thought of watching Edward and Jasper together. I'd fantasized about it often after Edward told me about his fantasy of having us both, at the same time. I'd imagined him fucking me while Jasper was fucking him…or him fucking me while sucking on Jasper's cock.
So many scenarios had run through my head and we'd often dirty talked about them while making love.
Edward and I had a very active, very expressive sex life. We had sex as often as we could and pretty much anywhere we could. In the backroom of the library where I was working until I finished my Master's degree or in the little office he had at the music hall in the school where he taught. We'd even pulled over and done it up against a tree in the rain on a trip home to Forks, one weekend a few months back.
We were insatiable in our appetites for each other's bodies. I'd often questioned him about his and Jasper's sex life. He said it had been pretty hot and heavy, but not to the degree that it was with he and I. As I came to Edward a virgin in every way, having never been kissed, felt up or touched it kind of excited me to think of Edward in that sense too. But it turned me on to no end when he'd explained about having been with a man but never a woman. It was also a little intimidating.
"Bella, are you coming, the water's perfect." He called out from the bathroom.
"Yes, love, I'm getting undressed now." I said as I walked through the bathroom door.
He smiled, so brilliantly at me, while watching with ravenous eyes as I slowly disrobed for him. I loved watching him watching me. He was the only one to have ever seen me this way and it brought a fear into my mind of Jasper wanting to be with him while I would be there, possibly naked, too. I quickly pushed those thoughts away and enjoyed this moment with my husband.
"You like what you see, Mr. Cullen?" I giggled out, wiggling my ass a little.
"Oh baby, you know that I do, now bring that luscious ass over here to me," his eyes were wild with want. I was desperate to have him, to reconnect, to get back to just being us for the moment.
I slowly stepped into the tub and straddled his lap, instantly feeling his hardened cock between my legs as it rested against his stomach.
"Bella, do you have any idea how beautiful your body is?" he asked me, as if he didn't ask me at least twice a day.
"Why don't you show me, Mr. Cullen?" I said while looking into his eyes, running hands around his neck and lowered my ass further down into his lap. He moaned out and pulled me tighter against his chest, trying to get me as close as possible. We could never, it seems, get close enough. If we were able to transpose each other into the other's bodies, I still don't think it would be enough, for either of us.
He lifted me up a little, pulling his cock down to in between my folds and lining himself up at my hole. "Sink down on me baby, let me fill you up" he moaned out while his tongue laved my neck under my ear. A small whimper escaped my mouth as I felt myself pulling him deeper inside me with every downward push I made.
"Holy Fuck, Bella, you are so wet and tight, baby…you needed my cock, didn't you?" he managed to get out while thrusting up into me.
"I've needed your cock since you pulled it out of me six hours ago, Edward." I whispered out as I started rising up to plunge back down onto him.
"You got excited tonight, thinking about watching me and Jasper again, didn't you? That's what you want isn't it? You dirty girl, you thought about him sucking my cock while you fingered your pussy, didn't you?"
God I loved it when dirty mouthed Edward came out to play. "Fuck yes, Edward, all of it, it made me want to stroke you under the table. You would have liked that would you? To have me stroking you while he was sitting right there, eye fucking you." Two can play this game and I loved to try and match him in the dirty talk foreplay.
"FUCK!" he cried out starting to thrust up harder as I started to come down harder, trying to get him deeper with each stroke. He grabbed my hips, hard and water started sloshing out of the tub, I didn't care. The feel of him fucking me, taking me, claiming me with his cock buried balls deep into me, drove me insane with want for this man.
"Yes, Edward, yes, you are mine, this pussy is yours show me it's yours." I cried out, starting to feel the pull of my orgasm in the heat of my clit.
Upward thrust, "YOU" another hard thrust, "ARE" a deeper, harder thrust "MINE!" he screamed out while pushing his cock as far inside me as he could go as I clenched my pussy around his cock, orgasm spiraling through my pussy into my abdomen and my whole body shaking with the intensity of the fire coursing through me.
"Yours," I whispered into his ear as he stilled and his cum exploded inside me like a fire bolt shooting up to fill my body with his seed.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, Bella, baby….you and that magic pussy of yours will be the death of me" he grunted out into the side of my neck while still grasping his hands hard into my hips.
We sat there still for a few minutes, panting, willing our breathing to return to normal, holding each other as tight as possible not wanting to end the connection.
After a few more minutes had past and we were returning to a relaxed state he said "Love, we have a lot to talk about, let's get out of here and lay in bed, okay? He moved my hair behind my shoulders and stared me straight in the eyes for a few seconds, nothing but love and devotion shining through his magnificent green eyes.
"Bed sounds good." I agreed.
Edward got out of the tub, grabbed a towel and wrapped it low on his hips. He then brought one to me holding my hand as I got out of the water. He softly moved the towel over my skin from my head to my toes, drying me before wrapping me up tightly. We walked into our bedroom, I turned down the blankets and Edward turned on the Ipod we kept docked in our room. I crawled in and waited for him to join me.
Edward started pacing. I knew what he was doing. He wasn't thinking about anything but how all of this was going to affect me. That wasn't what I wanted. I'd worry about me, I needed him to clear his head and think about all this meant to him.
"Edward, stop. Tell me exactly what you are thinking about right now." I said forcefully. He stopped pacing, ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes.
"I'm worried about how you are feeling about all this. I'm scared that you aren't going to believe that I didn't have anything to do with setting this up. I'm terrified that you are going to tell me that if I even so much as contemplate this idea that you are going to leave me." He said quietly but with a voice full of fear.
"Baby, please don't leave me!" He cried out and reached across the bed grabbing me and pulling me into him.
I could feel the tears pouring from his eyes running down my neck. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
"Edward, stop. Baby love, please, it's okay baby, I'm not going to leave you." I pulled his face from the crook of my neck and forced his chin up to look at me. "Look at me, baby, look into my eyes…I am yours Edward. You are mine. NOTHING is going to change that. Do you understand me?" I asked forcefully and trying to sound stern.
"Don't you realize that my love for you will never wane, will never leave you….without you, I can't breathe. I simply would not be able to live without you." I said to him while shifting around to sit straddling his lap.
His grip on me was tight as I ran my hands through the hair at the nape of his neck. "I need to know what your fears are, without you worrying about me. I need your honest feelings about all of this without you thinking about me. How do you feel about Jasper being in love with you? How do you feel about him wanting to have sex with you? Or him watching us have sex?" I threw out at him, exhaling a long breath.
"But Bella, I can't think about this whole fucked up mess and NOT think about you. I mean, shit, because of me you are being dragged into all of this." He paused, scooting us back against the headboard but continuing to hold me in a tight grip.
"I'm scared of what Jasper's feelings really mean. I'm hurt that he didn't feel like he could tell me all of this years ago and I'm deeply ashamed that he has been so hurt by me, as well." He stopped, closed his eyes and when he opened them, I saw raw exposure of his heart and soul. He cared deeply for Jasper, he always would but I also saw tremendous fear and love.
"I won't lie to you but the thought of having sex with him again, it does turn me on you know this. And I get even more turned on by the thought of him watching us and touching himself. After you both laid out the terms, I felt a lot more comfortable with the idea. I'm not too crazy about him seeing you naked, but I trust Jasper, and I know that if we have a 'hands off' rule, he'll follow it. Because him touching you, would drive me crazy, I would never allow that to happen." He sighed, ran his hand through his hair again. I moved back onto his thighs and allowed some space to develop between us. We needed to be two people for a few minutes, to process, to think, stay focused.
"As for him being in love with me, Bella, I swear I didn't know. I've asked him several times when we've seen him in the past but he always brushed me off or acting like he didn't know what I was referring to. I am a little pissed at him, to be honest. But knowing Jasper like I do, he did it to spare my feelings." He smiled and stared straight into my eyes.
"You know that's one of the things that the two of you have in common; both of you self-sacrifice your own feelings for the ones that you love and care about, even when it costs you your own happiness. The proof of that is evident in the fact that you are even considering allowing this to take place." He leaned forward and placed a single kiss on my forehead.
"What are you thinking baby girl?" he whispered to me.
"I want to know why you've always told me you weren't in love with Jasper. You both obviously had a deep connection, similar to the one we have but you've always made it seem a lot less serious than it was. That moment that I witnessed passing between the two of you tonight, Edward, that doesn't happen unless there is deep connection and bonds of love threaded in there. You were in love with him Edward." I said firmly and matter of fact.
Edward sucks in a long, deep breath. Holds it, starts to scoot me off of him, releases it and stands up and starts pacing the floor again.
"Bella, for a few moments, I thought that I was in love with him. But I wasn't sure. I'd never been in love before. It was very intense between us, I'd told you that already. I wasn't sure if I was confusing love for lust.
I had only started even thinking about it a day or two before I met you. As a matter of fact I think that I just talked to Rosalie about it the day that I met you." He started pacing faster tugging at his hair to the point I thought he was going to pull a chunk of it out.
He stopped turned straight to me and looked at me with a deep intensity. Through gritted teeth he said "I have NEVER lied to you, Bella. I wasn't in love with Jasper." He holds my stare as I start sliding off the side of the bed, wrapping the sheet around my naked body.
"Edward, I didn't say that you lied to me. I'm just saying that I don't think you ever allowed yourself to validate exactly what your feelings for Jasper were because you met me. Haven't you even considered that?" I said trying not to come across defensively. Suddenly, I felt like I was questioning everything about our relationship and if Edward's feelings for me were true.
"No, baby, don't even think that I would have chosen him over you. Yes, I cared for Jasper. I loved him but you…you are the love of my life. I knew when I met you that the pull to be near you, have you, make you mine was infinitely more than it was with Jasper. That's why I just dismissed what I had been questioning as lust."
"Edward, are you sure that this is a good idea. I mean, if you have any unresolved feelings for Jasper, this whole proposal could just open up a door to your heart that you've closed. Then where does that leave me?"
I tried to stop the tears from falling, but it was a useless fight. All my life I'd felt like the one left behind, the one forgotten and pushed to the side. By my parents, my so called friends, it's just how my life was. The thought of Edward walking away from me and leaving me behind was enough to take my breath away.
"Bella," Edward painfully cried out, turning and catching me before I fell to my knees, "No baby, no, I would never just walk away from you, for Jasper or for anyone. YOU. ARE. MY. LIFE. You have to know this, you have to feel it. I try so hard to show you in every way. How can you even begin to think that I could ever leave you?" He had tears rolling down his cheek as he pulled my face up towards him.
Softly kissing me, holding my face in his hands, he pulled me to him as tightly as he could get me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, securing myself to him, as well. He started to stand so I wrapped my legs around him as he picked me up and walked towards our bed.
"Baby, baby, baby…what can I do to reassure you that I love you. I chose you. I married you. I adore you, Bella. I can't get enough of you. My want and need for you just continues you to grow more each day." He softly whispered in my ear as he laid me down and settled between my legs, leaning over me on his elbows.
"Edward, I know that you love me. But you know my deepest fear is losing you." A single tear rolled down my cheek. "I realized how tonight that I could have been in Jasper's shoes, had we not made it. I felt his hurt and I can sympathize with him. He has held all that inside for so long and ….if it were me, I'd probably have come up with something just like he did." I quietly confessed to him.
"So you don't think it's a bad idea?" Edward questioned. "Look at what it's already doing to us, do we want to take a chance of something like this coming between us?"
"In a way, Edward, I think we need to do this. I think it'll help him get over you. I think it will help me alleviate my fear of losing you when it's over with and I think it'll help you deal with some deeply suppressed issues that you've never dealt with." I said as honestly as I could.
"I don't know, Bella. I just don't know." He said with confliction in his voice. He just stared at me, trying to search my eyes for some hint of agreement.
"I think you just need to think about it all, Edward. I think you need to come to terms with everything and make a decision based on whatever you decide. Not me. Not Jasper." I said, pulling him closer to me and wrapping my legs around his thighs.
"Okay, Bella, I will think about it. But not tonight because right now, I think I need to remind you why I chose you." He whispered in my ear as he started placing kisses up and down my neck and jaw line.
I couldn't help the little whimper that escaped my mouth as he continued kissing down my body. He reached my heaving breasts and gently took my left nipple into his mouth, circling his tongue around my hardened peak. I held his head to my breast, loving when he suckled me this way. He could get me off just by his tongue action on my nipples.
"Oh yes, Edward, that feels so good, baby." I said through panting breaths.
He released my breast, continuing his journey down my body, licking across my lower abdomen before slowly running a single finger through my damp folds. He continued placing kisses until he reached my clit where he softly tugged it between his teeth.
I couldn't help the cry of his name escaping my throat as his tongue started licking me in long, hard strokes.
His hands gripped my hips holding me firmly in place as his elbows pushed my legs further down and spread wider for him to work that magic tongue over my pussy.
My hands found his hair, holding his head in position as I felt my orgasm starting to build. "Fuck yes, Edward, I'm going to cum all over your face baby."
He hummed and licked harder before moving up to suck hard on my clit as two of his long, strong fingers shoved deeper inside me, curving to it that magic spot inside me.
"Yes, yes, oh God yes…" I screamed out as I felt my body shake with my release. He tongue laved over me a few more times as his fingers softly stroked me down. He leaned up catching my eyes staring straight at him with nothing but pure lust shining through. He crawled up my body, using his hand to line his cock up at my entrance.
"I love you, Bella." He said as he slowly pushed into me. It took my breath away every time he entered me.
"I love you too baby, so much." I whispered just as he started kissing me while rocking his hips slowly bringing him deeper and deeper inside me with each thrust.
We settled into a good rhythm with nothing but love, want and desire passing between us as we kissed and made love to each other. I tightened my legs around his hips as he started going a little faster, moving his lips down the side of my neck whispering words of love, devotion and showing me with his body how much her cherished me.
"Edward…I'm so close baby," I was able to get out as I tried to catch my breath.
"Hold it baby, not yet, just hold it," he panted out to me.
He moved up slightly, put his hands in mine holding them above my head, as he stared straight into my eyes.
"Never doubt my love for you Bella, this here, this connection, I know you feel it too, this is how much I love you, how much I need you…you are mine and I am yours. Always and forever," he said with nothing but the emotions of those words whirling around his voice.
In that moment, we came together each calling out the other's name. We were panting, both our chests heaving with the weight of our orgasms and the emotions swirling in the air.
"Forever," I whispered as he pulled me to my side as he moved to lie down beside me.
Somehow, I knew going through all of this would forever change Edward, it would change me and I only hoped we'd come out stronger on the other side.
Chapter 7
I watched as Edward caressed Jasper's face, just before he moved in to kiss him. It was a highly erotic moment to witness and I almost had to look away. But I couldn't. I wanted to see this side of Edward.
He deepened the kiss, as he pulled Jasper closer to him, their hardened cocks rubbing up against each other as their bodies were pressing closer together. My heart was pounded in my chest and I could feel myself holding a breath. I wasn't sure that I could continue to watch. I could feel my soul splinter just as Edward turned to look at me, his face was blank. There was no recognition of me registering on his features.
A single tear ran down my cheek as he stared at me and said "You can leave now."
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe at all as the panic gripped my body. I woke myself screaming for Edward not to leave me, feeling the fear taking hold of me, as I felt the wet tears in my eyes as I struggled to open them.
"Bella, baby, wake up" I heard Edward's voice in my ear, as I felt his strong hands gripping my arms. "Wake UP BELLA" he yelled at me. My eyes fluttered open and I struggled to control my tears and breathing. "Shhh, baby, it was just a dream…baby, I'm here, I'm not leaving." He said as he tried to get me to calm down. "You were yelling out in your sleep begging me not to leave you."
"Oh Edward," I sobbed out and crawled onto him getting as close and tight against him as I could get.
Running his hands up and down my back he continued trying to comfort me, "I'm here baby, I'm here. I'm yours. I'm not leaving." He pulled back so he could look in my eyes, "Baby, what were you dreaming about?"
"I don't want to tell you, Edward," I paused trying to dry some of my tears. "It was just a nightmare." I pulled him tighter into my arms, as I fit my face into the crook of his neck. "Just a bad, bad dream," I whispered into his neck.
I closed my eyes, not sure that I could go back to sleep but needing to be as safe and secure in his grip as I could get. That dream felt so real. Like he was just going to slip through my fingers and 'poof' he would be gone to me; my worst fears were coming true.
"Bella, love, we're okay now, let's just sleeps." He said while laying us back down with me secured deeply into his side, almost under him completely. Sleep not coming easily but surely would come.
**3 yrs ago – The Wedding*
JPOV
I walked into the church and was shown to my seat. The church was absolutely beautiful but my eyes were transfixed on Edward sitting behind the gorgeous baby grand piano as he sat playing melodies of joy and romance.
I quickly spotted Bella a few rows in front of me. I could tell that her eyes were fixed upon him as well.
I was thankful to be behind her, so that I could have a clear view of him, without fear of her noticing.
Alice was a bundle of nerves this morning before she left to spend the day with Rosalie. She knew that today would be a trying day but she had been working on moving things forward with her relationship with Bella. They had gone to lunch with Rosalie a few times. It was a difficult process because Bella was very tentative and guarded. Alice explained that she completely understood. But she was just hoping that as time went by that they would regain their full friendship.
I looked around the church to see Tyler and some of the guys come walking in. I waved them over, grateful for the distraction. I needed to stay level-headed and keep my emotions in check. We all greeted each other discreetly and they piled in the pew with me. Just as I turned back to glance at Edward he made eye contact and seemingly nodded as a way of saying 'hi'.
I then saw Bella turn around and take us all in before her eyes locked on mine. She half smiled, narrowed her eyes at me and then slowly turned back around. Edward looked at her and a gorgeous smile broke out on his face. It ripped right through my heart. I closed my eyes and willed my heart to slow down.
That smile wasn't for me and it never would be again.
They were engaged.
He would be hers…., forever.
Thankfully, from what Alice said, they weren't planning on getting married until sometime late next year. Who knows what could happen in a year, right?
Suddenly things started happening in the church, the wedding was about to begin. Edward began playing the wedding march, I saw Alice standing at the back of the aisle with Seth. She was breathtaking in her red silk dress. I had noticed that lately she'd begun looking more womanly. I don't know if she always had and I had just started really looking at her or what but I was definitely noticing. It was a little un-nerving at times. I'd never really thought of Alice that way, she'd always just been my friend. We were both battered soldiers and able to comfort each other in miserable times. At some point I'd begun to notice these little changes in her and to be honest, I had been trying to avoid addressing them. I really didn't know what it was all about and just wasn't able to deal with it.
Alice and Seth made their way down the aisle to where Emmett was practically jumping up and down with excitement and nervousness. He couldn't wait to get married to Rosalie.
Everyone stood as the music changed…and there she was. Rosalie was beyond beautiful. My heart swelled with love for her as she took those steps towards Emmett. Rose was an amazing person to everyone in her life, she deserved this moment of the spotlight. She spent so much time taking care of all of us, I hope that this day was truly magical for her.
After the ceremony was over we all moved over to the hotel where the reception was being held. I saw Alice sitting at our table and my body immediately began to move to her. I hoped that my smile belied my feelings for her to anyone that was looking, she really did hold a special place in my heart. "You look so beautiful today, little one." I whispered in her ear from behind as she sat there. She turned around, grinning at me and stood to hug me. "Thank you Jasper." She whispered back into my ear as well.
Rose and Emmett hadn't made it into the room yet as they were still taking pictures in the gardens outside. The waiter came and took our drink order. We talked about the wedding and how beautiful it all was.
"Did you see Bella?" Alice asked me.
"I did. She looked great in your design." I chuckled at her.
Nodding her head, "Yes, she sure did, didn't she?"
Rose had asked Alice to design her own bridesmaids dress as well as the dress for Bella and the mothers' of the Bride and Groom. Alice had been in designer heaven for a few weeks getting them all finished. I loved watching her work and I was really proud of all the work she had done. She was going to be a powerhouse in the design world once she finished school.
Just then the doors opened up and a breathtaking Rosalie entered with Emmett by her side. Both of them looked blissfully happy. They made their way down the line to the center of the stage to take their place at the center table, which I happened to be sitting at, as well. I hugged her neck as she came around to my side. "You look stunning Rosalie, I'm so happy for you," I said as tears came to my eyes. She hugged me hard and said, "Thank you for being here to celebrate with us Jasper, I couldn't imagine doing this without one of my best friends here."
She pulled back and Emmett stepped up to give me a half hug, manly slap on the back. "Congrats Em, you finally got her!" I told him. "Yup, she's all mine now and I really can't wait to make her all mine now that she's Mrs. Emmett McCarty." He said wiggling his eyebrows up and down, chuckling at me.
"Ewww, Em, that's Rosalie we're talking about, I don't wanna know." I laughed back to him.
The waiter appeared back at the table with our drinks and we all sat down to start our meal.
Laughing, joking, re-telling all about the wedding and what was going on in everyone's minds. It was a great night.
As things were starting to wind down and I got needed a break from all the dancing so I made my way over to the bar to order a bottle of water and take off my suit jacket. I was standing next to the bar when Edward approached me.
"You and Alice are looking good out there, Jasper," He chuckled out at me. His eyes were bright and I could tell he was being sincere.
"Yeah, Alice loves to dance but I needed a break." I said, taking a long drink off my water. He smelled like sweat and Edward and it was fucking delicious to my senses. I inhaled a deep whiff of it, and tried to not make it obvious what I was doing.
"So things are going good for you and Alice, then?" He asked.
"Edward, Alice and I are just friends." I told him very matter of fact.
"Really Jasper? I see the way she looks at you. There's not more to it?" He questioned me, cocking that perfect fucking eyebrow at me. "Because it sure looks like there's more going on to anyone watching the two of you."
"Yes really, Edward. Alice and I don't have that kind of relationship. She's my best friend, period." I stated, while hoping that it didn't come off to harsh.
"Is there someone else then? If you aren't dating Alice, then there must be someone else." He ran a hand through his hair and took a drink of his beer, his eyes never leaving mine.
"No, there isn't someone else. I'm too busy to date between work, school and Alice, my plate is full." I replied.
"Okay," he said looking away, but for just a moment he hesitated like he wanted to ask something else.
"How are you and Bella doing? I hear the wedding date has been set for next August." I quietly said.
He turned and looked at me, his eyes on fire, "Yes, I wanted to do it before the end of the year during Christmas break but she wants to wait until we've got most of our school out of the way. But I can't wait, I'd marry her tomorrow if she'd let me."
"Wow, she's a lucky girl to have you so ready to make her your wife." I blurted out, trying not to let him see the hurt on my face or the lump forming in my throat as I looked at him.
"Jasper," he said, narrowing his eyes at me, "are you jealous?" he tried to laugh out making it sound like a joke.
"Fuck, Edward where did that come from? No, I'm not jealous. You just seem like you can't get married to her fast enough. Are you worried about her leaving you or something? Or running to her so quickly like you're afraid you'll change your mind." I quipped rather rudely, unleashing the harsh feelings finally.
There was a moment of shock on his face, then disbelief and then anger became the prevalent look.
"No, I'm not running away from anything and I'm certainly not afraid of losing her. I just so happen to love her more than life and I want to make her my wife." He said, taking a deep breath. "I know what I want and she is it, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to make that legal. I only hope that someday you'll find the same thing." He said honestly and seemingly with a tinge of sympathy for me.
"My life is fine as it is thank you." I sarcastically replied.
"I just want to see you happy Jasper. I can see you, you know, I can tell you aren't being honest about your life. But, I'm here if you ever want to talk about it, you know?" He reached out putting his hand on my shoulder like he was trying to comfort me.
My cock instantly got hard and I became stiff and tense under the heat of his hand on my shirt. It was the first time he'd touched me in anyway in almost a year and it sent a surge of fire through my veins. I suddenly stepped back. "I'm fine Edward. Now, please excuse me, I see Alice looking for me." I said to him then walked past him and over to our table where Alice was gathering her belongings.
"Hey you, there you are." She smiled at me when she saw me approaching.
"Yep, here I am." I flashed my cocky smile and allowed her to soothe my disposition so that I didn't take out my anger on her. "You ready to call it a night?" I asked, hoping she was ready to leave as I needed to get out of here and quickly.
She grabbed me, turning me to face here eye to eye, her eyes searching mine she said, "What's wrong Jasper? You look really upset."
I was pleading with her in my eyes to just drop it, her tiny hands running smoothing lines up and down my arms, "I'm fine, just something from my past and I do not want to talk about." I said trying to sound gentle but firm in my admission that I didn't want to discuss it.
"Jasper, I won't push, but if you want to talk about it, I'll listen. You know that, right?" She said with a soft tone.
"Yes, Alice, I know but…" I hesitated, closing my eyes, "I just can't talk about it, please, I beg you, please just drop it, okay?" I opened my eyes to see hers glistening with tears. "Okay, Jasper, let's go say goodbye to Rose and Em, then let's head home."
"Okay," I answered.
**6 months ago**
JPOV
Something had shifted within the relationship that we had. I had tried to ignore it for as long as I could but Alice being Alice wouldn't let me. She had called me this morning to invite me to dinner, which wasn't out of the norm but this time she requested that I dress up for a fancy dinner. She wouldn't answer any of my questions about why, either. She even made sure to tell me that I could not call Rosalie to question her about, either. I definitely knew that she was up to something.
I showed up at her apartment at exactly seven as she requested. I made sure I stopped and purchased her a bouquet of Daisies. They were her favorite and they always made her smile. I loved Alice's smile, she was beautiful when she smiled.
Things had always been easy and comfortable between us but I had started to notice her hesitancy and restraint when she was around me. I wasn't exactly sure why but I couldn't lie, I felt some fear. I was afraid she'd met someone and this dinner was going to be her way of letting me down easy, telling me that our friendship would have to take a backseat for a while. It scared me to even think about losing Alice. But, I've been alone before, it wouldn't be easy but I could do it.
I knocked on the door and waited. I could hear the new Kings of Leon album playing in the background of her apartment as the door clicked open and she stood before me with a bright smile on her face. "You made it right on time," she cheerfully exclaimed.
"I know better than to keep you waiting, darling." I smiled back to her. "You look amazing in that dress, by the way." I said as I took her hand so she could do a little twirl for me. It was black and strapless and fell just about mid-thigh. It was tight and clingy to every curve of her body. And strangely, I could feel my cock harden a bit, it had no choice, it took notice of her luscious body and immediately stood at attention. This was a first.
"Come in, come in," Alice said as she used the hand I still held to pull me through the door way and into the apartment. "Are these for me? " She said as she eyed the daisies.
"Of course they are. But I'm afraid their beauty pales in comparison to yours tonight." I handed her the flowers and ran a hand under the collar of my shirt. Suddenly it seemed very hot and stiff in this suit.
I finally noticed the room and took in the ambiance she had created. "Alice, what's going on? This seems awfully formal for just the two of us, don't you think?" I said while gesturing around the room.
There were candles lit everywhere, the table was set with elegant china and I could smell something delicious cooking in the kitchen.
"Well, Jasper tonight is kind of special, but we'll get to that later. What do you want to drink? I have beer and wine." She asked me pulling me towards the kitchen. It was almost as if she couldn't keep her hands off of me. To say I was completely confused about all of this was a huge understatement.
"Whatever you're having will be fine." I answered her. She took down another wine glass and poured a glass of white wine for me.
"Dinner is just about ready so go sit on the sofa while I finish up in here, okay?" Her sentence held a question but really it was a command.
"Okay Alice…you don't need any help? I don't mind." I told her, not really comfortable just going to sit alone on the couch.
"No, now scoot." She pushed me towards the living room out of the kitchen.
As I sat down, I started looking around the room. That's when I started seeing all the pictures, pictures that I hadn't really paid attention to in a while. They were all of me and her. Some of them from when we went to Disneyland a few summers ago. Some from when we went to Texas for a family reunion last year. A few were just candid shots on random nights out with Rosalie and Emmett or some of the other guys and their girlfriends. But they were all of US.
I got up and walked to the bookshelves where the pictures sat seeing one that really captured me.
The largest and most prevalent picture was one of me, playing my guitar at a cookout that Rosalie and Emmett had about a year ago. They had bugged me relentlessly about playing for them but I finally gave in. I was sitting on a stool, eyes closed and I was singing.
I remember that moment. I was singing to Edward. I was thinking of him. I was drowning in regret and it was easy to see on my face. Of course no one but me knew exactly the source of the regret but me. It was shortly after Edward and Bella had gotten married and I'd made a huge, stupid mistake. I was stuck in that moment forced to relive the pain over again while I stared at the picture.
"You look beautifully broken in that picture," she whispered at my shoulder making her presence known behind me. I could feel the heat from her body against my back.
"I was," I stated, truthfully.
"But, I also see the depth of passion from your soul in your face, in this picture. I could stare at it for hours," she whispered again.
I think I was holding my breath, all I knew was that in that moment hearing her words… I stopped breathing altogether.
"Staring at it only solidifies what I've failed to realize for a year now," she whispered again. "It took me that long to realize what I had right in front of me after all these years that you've been by my side." She whispered out with hesitancy.
My whole body was tense and tight. I felt absolutely frozen.
She was in love with me. How could I have been so blind?
"You carry this heavy burden around and I can see it on your shoulders in that picture. I can feel you pouring it out in the expression on your face." Her voice still so quiet between us, like she was afraid to raise it and shatter whatever was between us.
"Alice…" I said so low I wasn't sure if she heard me.
"Just let me love you, let me in Jasper, I could make you happy." She whispered with her lips pressed against my back as I felt her hands come up to rest on my hips.
I was still for a few seconds, trying to catch my breath before I was finally able to say, "My heart isn't free Alice." I paused, squeezing my eyes tightly closed, willing my tears to stop. "I could never make you happy. I don't have the love to give to you that you deserve." I said weakly, quietly and as honestly as I could.
She leaned into my back, wrapping her arms around my waist, and I could feel the moisture from her tears through my shirt. "Let me try, Jasper. Please let me try to love you." She begged.
"Alice…" I started sobbing, grabbing her little hands around my waist and holding them to me. I didn't think I could turn around and face her.
She held on to me as tight as she could and we stayed this way for what felt like an eternity. When she finally let go of me and walked around in front of where I was standing. "Look at me Jasper." She demanded softly.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you could never love me, never make room for me in your heart. I need to hear you say it." She said as she held my chin forcing me to look directly at her.
Shaking my head wildly, "Alice, my heart," I choked up, not having the words to say. "My heart isn't whole. My heart…. it isn't mine to give and I don't know how to just break the chains off. They've been wrapped around it for so long, I don't know if I can let them go." I said as I noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Oh, baby, don't cry, please don't cry," I say as I pick her up, holding her to me and walk us to the couch. I sat down with her in my lap, her arms around my neck and her face buried in my shoulder.
"But Jasper, I'm here. I'm here and I love you and I want you to love me too," she paused, a sob ripping from her mouth as I tightened my arms around her. Fuck. I've hurt her in the worst possible way. I never meant to hurt her. How could I not have seen this coming?
We sat quietly for a few minutes as she calmed down and got control of herself again. She scooted around to straddling my lap, she pulled back just a little so that we were face to face.
"Jasper, why can't you free your heart?" She asks timidly.
I sigh, run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. "Alice, I've been in love with someone for so long, someone that told me from the beginning they'd never be able to love me back, but I fell for them anyway. The thought of letting go of that love, we'll it honestly scares the shit out of me."
"Does this person know that you love them?" She says playing with the end of my tie, never looking up at me.
"No." It was all I could say.
"Then how do you know they don't love you back?" she questioned.
"Because they walked away from me for another, because they are married now, because they never told me they loved me when they had the chance." It was the most honest answer I could give.
"So you won't even try?" Alice said as a single tear rolled down her cheek as she finally looked up at me again.
I sighed again, drew in a deep, long breath, "I don't know how to even try to let them go, Alice. I just don't even know how to think about it, to be honest. I do love you, Alice. So, so much. But this," My hand gesturing between the two of us, "This scares me almost as bad as the thought of releasing my heart does." I said as closed my eyes and laid my head back against the couch.
"I'm not going to apologize for how I feel, Jasper. You know I wasn't honest with Edward when I thought I was in love with him," she said as I tried so hard not to let her feel me tense up at the sound of his name. "But I couldn't make that mistake again with you. I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. YOU." I could feel her starting to move closer to me. She wrapped her arms around me and leaned her head down onto my chest.
We sat there for an hour or so, we simply just held each other. We took turns crying, we comforted each other, all the while wrapped up in each other. My mind was swirled with all these new thoughts. I was terrified of letting go of Edward. He's the only person I'd ever loved before Alice. He'd held a grip on me for so long and his memories soothed me and gave me the most delicious aches, I wasn't sure how I could ever function without his memory. It was all I had known for the past two years.
I just simply didn't know how to change that for Alice. But I knew that I had to figure out a way to try to do it. I knew without a doubt that I do love her. The thought of her hurting, to see her crying over me, well, it cut me to the quick. I could be happy with Alice. I could have a great life with her. Hell, I already did, I just didn't realize it until now.
I had to come up with a plan.
**Present day – Mulling it over**
EPOV
Bella's dream, whatever it was, had to have been a direct result of what was going on in our lives at the moment. She hadn't had nightmares like that in over a year. It scared me.
I loved this woman with every ounce of my life. I couldn't and wouldn't let anything hurt her. And that included Jasper.
FUCK! Why did this have to happen? Why now? Why couldn't he have just told me three years ago? How would I have handled it back then?
I don't know. I simply do not know the answer to that question. I don't think that I could have let Bella walk away after the instant connection that I felt for her.
But again, I do not know.
I cared a lot for Jasper. I mean, I think I might have been falling for him but I was a horny guy around him, so I don't know if I'm confusing sex for love or not. There was always this chemistry between us but I had always felt a little something missing. That's why when Bella came in my door that night, I just knew that the something missing wasn't from Jasper, it was from me.
Jasper and I did have something special, even some spectacular moments. But I had always wanted to get married, have the big fancy wedding and lots of babies for my parents to spoil. When I used to watch Jasper sleep, I would think about those things and imagining how he and I could have that together. No matter how hard I tried to make it work we just never seemed to fit the right way. It didn't mean that I cared any less for him; it just meant that I knew without a doubt that a gay lifestyle was not the choice that I saw myself making for rest of my life.
I also didn't want to cheapen it to being a "phase" that I was going through. It was clearly just Jasper that I was drawn too, connected to. I had never had that with another man before him nor since him, so I knew without a doubt that it was just simply him.
Then I met Bella. Her pull to me was just as powerful if not more potent than Jasper's pull on me. I wanted to be near her twenty-four seven. I felt like I was possessed with need for her. I was blinded by that need and didn't fully see or appreciate Jasper, as I should have.
When I ended it with him, I genuinely thought that he was happy for me, even though I knew we would both miss one another, I just didn't see him putting up any fight to keep on seeing each other. I gave him a few days to let it all sink in and for me to continue getting to know Bella. But then, I couldn't reach him by phone and he didn't show up to class. I wasn't sure what to think.
I missed him. I missed my friend. But I had Bella, so my sorrow wasn't overwhelming and when I did get sad about it I let my new romance with Bella distract me enough to keep the sadness away.
I tugged at my hair as I started to pace. I allowed the memories of my time with Jasper to wash over me.
How could I not remember that first kiss in the music hall or the first time I saw him completely naked and how it felt the first time he pushed into me. Yes, I missed him. I missed him fucking me. I missed fucking him. I loved the feel of his cock in my mouth, knowing that I had all the control in that moment as he fucked my mouth. He was an amazing teacher and an even better lover.
But Bella, fuck, her body was a wonderland of soft and hard, hot and wet. I loved her tits, they were amazing and watching my cock slide in between them while I'm fucking them is one of the most exciting memories I have with her…she opened her mouth and tried to catch as much of my cum as she could. Or the time I just had this primal need to take her so I shoved her over the couch and fucked her hard and fast, knowing my parents would be at our front door at any minute. It was the first time I had ever taken her that way from behind…it's easily one of our favorite positions for fucking now.
And the thought of having them both, together, well, it made my dick ache in anticipation.
But the reality of it all scared me. Bella and I were very active in our sex life and tried a lot of crazy shit and positions but this was something really out there and different.
I know she told me to just worry about me but this woman is my life, how can I not worry about what this would all do to her. And in a small twisted way, I know she secretly wanted the erotic side of it all, too.
But Jasper, he was a wild card. Could he really just fuck me and then forget about me? I was also worried about Alice finding out. I still can't believe he hadn't told her at all. And now he thinks he's in love with her?
Starting a new relationship with lies would only lead to destruction, of that I was sure. What was his problem with telling her? Protecting me is what he'd said. Fuck. There's so much to decide and think about. What the fuck am I going to do?
**Present day – Thinking**
BPOV
I knew deep down inside that Edward really wants this weekend, from a purely sexual standpoint. But I also knew from an emotional standpoint he's going to use me as a reason not to participate in it. He was always more worried about me than himself; which, in a way, is kind of how we ended up here. If he hadn't gotten so wrapped up in me so quickly when we met, he could have worked things out with Jasper to where Jasper hadn't felt jilted all these years. He could have let go of Edward then and moved on.
Fuck me. I'm not feeling guilty for finding my husband and falling in love with him. But it has cost Jasper so much time and kept him wrapped up in an illusion of who he thinks he loves. I feel his hurt and the pain of not having Edward is evident in his face every time he looks at Edward. There's always a longing, a hope shining in his eyes that for once, just once that Edward will acknowledge his feelings. Christ, what painfully heavy hurt that must be to carry around.
I want Edward to make the best decision for himself but I hope he makes the right one for Jasper too. There's so much hanging in the balance. So much they both stand to gain and so much they stand to lose.
My feelings be damned.
**Present day – Sit down with Jasper, Bella and Edward**
EPOV
It had been the longest three days of my life since we'd sat and heard out Jasper's proposal in the diner. But after all was said and done, I'd made a decision. One that I felt I could live with and hoped that when we all came out on the other side everyone would be okay, as well.
I had Bella call Jasper this morning and ask him to meet us the dog park so we could take Jake to the park to run and play. It was a beautiful sunny day and we'd have some privacy to talk. Plus, I wanted to be somewhere out in the open, so as to not feel boxed in or walls surrounding us. We needed to talk open and honestly and the park just seemed like the best place to do that.
I had left the house alone, with Jake, asking Bella to give me about 30 minutes before she and Jasper showed up. She had tried so hard to just give me space and time to think this all over. I hated that I felt any distance between us but I think we both knew that it was necessary to weigh over this decision.
It hadn't stopped my ferocious sexual appetite for her body though. If anything it fueled my need for her, having taken her several times over the past forty-eight hours alone. It almost seemed like our honeymoon again where we spent an entire day in bed feasting off of each other. We were both pretty sore and worn out afterwards.
It also caused me to stop and re-evaluate some issues that I'd had with Alice over the years. I missed the Alice of my youth as she and I had been best friends from birth. I knew that some things needed to be straightened out and I hoped that Jasper could and would be willing to help with that. It worried me to discuss a few of the topics in front of Bella, but I had to have her there. There was no other way to do this and I won't keep secrets from her or leave her out in anyway.
I tossed a ball out for Jake a few times before I settled on a nice spot in the grass under a tree. I spread out the blanket that I'd brought and tried to mentally prepare for what was about to take place.
Shortly after I sat down, I saw Bella drive up and then Jasper pulled in as well. They spotted each other and seemed to enjoy a friendly chat while they walked over to me.
I stood up to greet them, "Hi Jasper," I said as I extended my hand to shake his. He cocked an eyebrow at me, coming in for a half hug. "Hi Edward," he chuckled out at me.
"Hey baby girl," I said. Bella leaned into me and I kissed her temple. We all lowered ourselves down to the blanket in unison.
"I'm sure you're both anxious to get this over with but there are some things that I want to openly discuss with both of you before this conversation begins." I said, as I looked at both of them to gauge their emotions.
They both seemed calm but a little tense. Bella seemed hyper aware of every movement that I made while Jasper seemed to be holding his breath.
"Relax, please," I laughed out to both of them. I wanted this to not get too heavy, too soon.
"Okay, Edward, we're here, we're listening. You've got a captive audience so get on with it, please." Jasper exhaled and looked at Bella who was nodding in agreement. I suddenly noticed a bond that seemingly forged deep between the two of them. It kind of made me happy to see, as Bella didn't have a lot of friends in her life outside our tight little group. It would be nice for her to have someone like Jasper in her life, as he was a good friend.
"Jasper, I need to talk to you about Alice. And I need for you to be honest with me as you know her better than I do at this point." I looked him straight in the eye. At the mention of her name, he completely went ridged and took on a defensive posture.
"Edward, I really don't see how Alice has anything to do with this and I really don't feel comfortable talking about her, especially to you." His hands ran through his hair nervously as he closed his eyes for a minute.
When he opened them I looked at him trying to convey my concern before I spoke again.
"I just need to know why you haven't told her about us and what your plans are for being honest with her." I tried to convey the concern and curiosity in my voice.
"I've never told her because I wanted to protect your anonymity. I just didn't feel that it was my place to 'out' you so to speak. She knows that I'm in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings but she has no idea it's you or that it is even a male." He paused, looked down at his hands and fiddled with the blanket a few more seconds before he spoke again, "I hadn't really planned on telling her. I hate the thought of keeping a secret from her after this is all over but I just don't see how me telling her would do anything but hurt her further at this point. She knows as much as I've been able to tell her, the rest of the details aren't mine to tell, it's just how I feel."
I didn't know what to say. He truly did everything to protect me where Alice was concerned. I knew there was a lot more of the Alice issue that needed to be worked through but Jasper was right, this time was not about her and I had to put it all on the back burner.
"Okay, Jasper. That's all I needed to know about the Alice situation. Thank you for protecting me. I know it has to have been hard. So just, thank you." I stretched my legs, crossing my ankles and rested back on my palms.
"Here's the deal," I stopped, taking a deep breath knowing this was it, the moment they were waiting for. "I want this weekend to happen. I feel it needs to happen for several reasons. It's not the most conventional way to go about things but I think it needs to happen." I finally looked up to see both of them with a shocked but excited look on their faces. I totally was not expecting that from either of them.
"Let me explain why I decided to allow it, please. I feel my reasoning needs to be heard so the expectations from all of us are clear." I turned towards Jasper first.
"Jasper, while I'm sorry that you've carried these feelings all these years, if this will help you to move forward with your life, then in a way, I owe it to you. I certainly thought that we had ended things cleanly and honestly, however, I'm not always the most observant person. I'm aware of this and I feel like if I do this for you, then maybe we can, um, eventually work on getting our friendship back. Because, Jas, I have really missed you in my life, as my friend." I hoped he could see my sincerity and accept what I had put out there.
"Thank you, Edward. You truly don't know how elated this makes me feel. It's …well…just thank you, man." He slid across the blanket to hug me, he gripped me tight and I saw a big smile on Bella's face as I caught her eye over his shoulder.
"You're welcome, Jasper." I said, releasing him.
"Now, my baby girl, my Bella, it's your turn. While we don't really have any issues in our marriage, so to speak, but you've always had this fear of losing me, no matter how many times I reassure you that won't happen. I think this weekend will be a true testament to the strength of our relationship and prove to you that I will not ever leave you." I said as she sat nodding at me.
"Plus, you get your fantasy," she giggled, her eyes sparkled with that wicked glint that I loved so much.
"Ah, yes, my fantasy," I simply stated, as I laughed out at her and Jasper even joined in with a chuckle or two.
"But, there's something I want to add to the terms. It mostly affects you and I, Jasper. But I can't in clear conscious completely participate in engaging in sex with you." He looked at me seemingly confused, as did Bella. I took a deep breath, this was a hard conclusion to draw, but I felt it necessary to add to the stipulations for my own peace of mind. "I won't be penetrating Jasper, at all. Oral, yes, but as for me taking you, Jasper, I can't do it." I stopped talking, trying to get my dry mouth moist again. I took a sip of water from my water bottle before finishing, "In all fairness to my wife, I just feel that having sex with you in that way would be cheating and I cannot do it."
Bella was the first to speak out, "But Edward, I'll be there, I've said it was okay." She looked at me with a hint of worry on her face.
"Baby, I know all that but I just feel with what is taking place, this is not unreasonable. This is after all about Jasper getting what he needs to release me, not about me releasing in Jasper," I joked trying to lighten this conversation up. He laughed out loud, too. Bella just looked perplexed.
"But, Edward…don't you want to, I mean, isn't that kind of part of the thrill of the fantasy?" She said with all the sincerity in the world, in her voice. I laughed again.
"Bella, I really feel like there will be enough going on to fulfill my wanton desires, trust me," I winked at her turning to seeing Jasper trying to stifle another laugh, too.
"Huh, well, if that's the way you want it, okay, I'm totally fine with that, as long as I still get to um…" she turned bright red and got a little bashful, "watch." She whispered out. This only caused Jasper and I to laugh again while she continued to blush. I pulled her between my legs, kissed her forehead, "Baby girl, I think there'll be plenty for you to enjoy." I said laughing again as she finally started to giggle, too.
"Okay, so when is this supposed to take place, Edward?" Jasper inquired, his bright blue eyes sparkling the brightest blue in the afternoon sun.
"Well, I wanted to see if next weekend would work. We don't have any family or work obligations next weekend so I think we might as well jump in, quickly, so to speak." I could feel Bella nodding in agreement against my chest while Jasper just smiled, his eyes still gleaming with excitement.
"That's perfect, actually, just perfect." He replied back, practically shouting. He stretched out his legs, leaned back and said, "I'll email Bella the directions to the cabin tomorrow and we can plan on meeting there around six o'clock Friday night. I'll pick up the keys on my lunch hour and try and head out there mid-afternoon to get the fridge stocked and all the amenities taken care of it, if that's alright with both of you."
"Sure, Jasper, that's fine." Bella replied. "But I would like to be responsible for Friday night's meal, I haven't gotten to cook much lately and I'd really like to do that."
"Sounds good, beautiful Bella." He grinned back at her.
"So, we're all set then?" I inquired, feeling pretty good about how it all turned out. No major hiccups or problems and we all pretty much seemed to be in agreement with the previous terms as well as my new addition. I knew Bella was going to drill me about it later, but I'm okay with that, because I know I made the decision that I can best live with.
"We're good." Jasper stated, starting to get up. "I'm gonna head out, I've got some things to get taken care of before then." Bella and I stood up, as well and Bella went over to hug Jasper. "We'll speak soon then Bella, alright?"
"Definitely Jasper, be careful going home," she told him as he man hugged me.
"Always, beautiful Bella, always." He smiled at us as he turned to walk away.
As we watched him get in his car, she started quietly squealing and jumped up into my arms. I caught her as she wrapped her legs around my waist and started laughing. "Are you happy about something baby girl?" I teased her.
"Oh Edward, I'm so excited. I knew you'd choose to do it. I'm so wet and hot just thinking about it." She pressed her lips to mine, slipping her tongue in my mouth quickly. She pulled back and continued on, "It's going to be so hot watching the two of you go at it…and ooohhh, I need to hit up the toy store." She tightened her grip on my neck and ground her pussy down on my cock, moaning when she felt how hard I already was, "I've got some ideas…" she continued on listing all the things she needed to do to prepare.
The whole time I was thinking, I hope she's this happy when it's all over.
Chapter 8
JPOV *A trip to the Cottage*
I have been on the longest rollercoaster ride of my life this week. The emotional highs and the drop of the lows were enough to ensure that I hadn't slept much over the past seventy-two hours, that's for sure.
I hadn't spoken to Alice much, either, which was weighing heavily on my mind. After she revealed to me about how she felt and then me not knowing exactly how to feel about it all; it was only natural that we both pulled away from each other to some degree.
I couldn't really tell her the truth about what was going on and it was killing me to know that because of me, she was in pain. She'd put herself out there in expressing her true feelings to me. While I hadn't outright rejected her, my refusal to give her my heart had clearly torn her heart in two.
I loved Alice, there's no doubt about that. But I wasn't truly sure that I was in love with her. I knew that if I were free of Edward then I would be able to fully determine if I had been falling in love with her all along and just not able to recognize it.
I knew that I couldn't imagine a day without her in it. We spent almost every day together, when we weren't at work. Every evening she was either at my place or I was at hers. It already felt like we were in a relationship, just without the sex.
There had been times when one or both of us were horny and we both fought the urges to explore each other's bodies. I had caught her coming out of the shower once, she had a beautiful body and I couldn't help but let my eyes linger on her nude frame. She'd seen me in nothing but my boxers more times than I could count as she was forever making me try on clothes she'd picked up for me or designed herself. I think we were both past that modesty phase around one another.
And don't get me wrong, I certainly appreciated the female body, I'd been with a few girls before Edward. I'd even lost my virginity to a girl first, Maria Fuego in the ninth grade. In fact, it wasn't until the summer of my junior year I'd realized that I like guys, as well.
I'd met Jordan at music camp and we'd instantly hit it off. He was the first to take me in that way and I was the first as well. It was just a summer fling that we both gained something from. I went home and dated a few more girls in high school. The summer between high school graduation and college was when I really allowed myself to explore my bisexual side. Up to the point where I met Edward, I had slept with a total of three girls and three guys. It wasn't until Edward came along that I even toyed with the notion of living a strictly gay lifestyle. I thought that I could see myself happy with him alone for the length of my life, until I realized that he was in love with Bella and that she was the path of future.
Then Alice and I were thrust together in the most unconventional way. Over the years, I'd grown to love her and depend on her; she had become my best friend. When I was with her the ache for him was dulled and the pain lessened, hell there had even been times when I was with her I could go hours without Edward crossing my mind. She was a bright star in my midnight sky, pointing me home when the darkness and sorrow would overtake me in my agony over Edward.
I'd never even considered that she might develop feelings for me. I knew that I never saw her as a sister like I did Rosalie, I saw her as an equal, as a friend, and confidant. And as of late, I'd begun to explore the idea of her as a lover. I was attracted to Alice, I always had been but because of my love for Edward I hadn't really paid her attention in the sexual sense.
Hell, was I really as unobservant as Edward had been with me? Unfortunately…I think I was.
The thought of losing Alice for good, well, it took my breath away. Our relationship had started out as one of convenience but now, I truly enjoyed her company, she was beyond beautiful and she could make me laugh like no other. She had a zeal for life that just radiated through her and over the years she'd started engraining that zealousness into me. We took trips, we shared family holidays, and for all intents and purposes we were dating just without the emotions that sex always involved.
Edward was still in my heart. He was still in my head. Whenever I would try to picture my life with Alice, I could always see Edward lurking in the background, calling me, taunting me, tempting me. I knew I had to push Alice out of my head for now. I had to focus on this weekend. I had to put my feelings for Edward in the front and center of my heart and my head. I had to figure out a way to achieve letting him go.
I had to face the fact that after this weekend he was gone to me, forever. I didn't want to carry this hurt and ache around anymore. What would it take to achieve that? A few couple of fucks or perhaps a blow job here or there?
I'm not sure but as I pulled into the circle drive of the Cottage, I knew I needed to put everything but these feelings and questions out of my mind. This is what I had asked for and I knew what I wanted the outcome to be, so it was up to me to make all that happen.
EPOV *On Drive to the Cottage*
To say that my emotions where flying a hundred miles an hour would be the under-fucking-statement of the year, I was worried about Bella and how she was really going to handle all of this. I was worried about Jasper, how he would feel about me and moving forward after this weekend.
And I was freaking-the-fuck out about how I was going to handle both of them, should something go wrong. I know that I'm scared to death of feeling excited about being with Jasper sexually even though the thought arouses me more that I feel it should. Thinking about him taking me, touching me, putting his cock in my mouth, it flushes my body with pure sexual heat but at the same time I worry that Bella will freak out or let her insecurities resurface once she sees the primal charge between us.
I just have to make sure that they are both okay and keep all the emotions in check during any encounters that take place. I want to satisfy them both.
I want so much to come out of this weekend. I want Jasper to be able to let go of me and move on with his life and Alice, if it's supposed to be with her. I want Bella to dissolve her insecurities of losing me and I feel that this weekend will be a great catalyst in helping to make that happen for her.
As for me, I just want to enjoy the sex, keep my wife happy and reconnect with Jasper.
As we pull into the circle drive of the Cottage, I can feel Bella tense slightly beside me, I look over to her seeing her worrying her bottom lip and her body completely stiff as she stares out the window looking at the house before us. "Baby?" I ask full of worry.
"I'm fine." She answered my single word question without hesitation. "A little nervous, but I trust you and I trust Jasper so I'll be okay once we get inside," she smiled at me but it didn't reach her eyes. I scanned her eyes, searching for her feelings to show themselves to me; fear, anxiety and a hint of excitement shone clearly in her beautiful brown eyes.
Running my hand through my hair, sighing out before taking her face in both of my hands, "Bella, I love you more than life itself so if this is too much for you, tell me now, and we can turn around and go straight home." I held her face for what felt like forever as her eyes played a long range of flickers before finally settling on resolve. "I'm going to be just fine, Edward, I want this as badly as you and Jasper, let's just head in and it'll all be okay."
I hesitated before leaning in to kiss her deeply and full of all the love I held for her. She responded quickly thrusting her hands up into my hair, pulling me closer to her. As she started to deepen the kiss, I pulled back slightly, chuckling, "Come on baby, let's head inside, I'm sure Jasper's waiting." I smiled at her, loving her passion.
I got out, opened the back hatch and gathered up our few bags before going to help Bella out of the car. She quickly took a look around at our surroundings. "He wasn't lying about this place being secluded was he?"
She laughed out. The closest house was truly a good half mile away. We'd have beach space all to ourselves. Jake would have loved running free out on the sand, I almost regretted leaving the dog at the kennel, until I remembered what we were here for. Taking care of him would definitely put a cramp in some of the activities I'm sure that we were about to participate in.
**BPOV – At the Cottage**
As we walked up the Cottage, hand in hand, I felt Edward tense up a little, so I squeezed his hand a little harder while leaning into his side. He breathed out a sigh of relief, almost. "You doing alright baby?" I asked him.
"Yeah, just once we cross through that doorway things are going to change." He said, seeming a little apprehensive.
"I'll be right here, by your side, but if you change your mind, the same thing goes for you, too. We can head back home at any time." I said, trying to sound reassuring.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, closing his eyes, "I know, baby girl, I know."
Just then the front door opened slowly to reveal Jasper looking very somber. He quickly looked from me to Edward and a worried frown crossed his face. "Is everything okay?" He asked questioningly.
"Sure, Jasper, just nerves, you know?" I replied looking at Edward to see him nodding his head in agreement.
"Well, come on in, I'll show you around, then we can talk." Jasper said with a hint of excitement in his voice.
The Cottage was beyond beautiful; it was cozy and comforting, having an old home feel to it. It reminded me of my grandmother's house in some ways. That was the only home I'd lived in throughout my life that had felt remotely close to an actual home for me and not just a house. That's the main reason that I refused to sell it after she died and left it to me. It never occurred to me even when I could have really used the money.
"Jasper, this place is amazing," I told him while walking around the main living area, soaking in the ambience.
"Isn't it?" He replied. "I love to come here to escape the city and hide away when I need time to refocus or just be alone." He had a look of sorrow on his face and I could just imagine that when he would come here it was to think about Edward or to deal with the pain of having a broken heart. I wondered if he'd ever brought Alice here. But I didn't feel comfortable bringing her up, as they'd both made it pretty clear to me that she was persona non-grata conversation piece this weekend.
"Through here is the kitchen and dining area," he said pointing to a large open kitchen with a small dining room with a magnificent view of the beach. "And on this side of the hallway are the master bedroom and the guest room." He pointed to the small hallway that went in the opposite direction.
I walked into the kitchen to check out the work space, as I planned to prepare homemade Lasagna for the boys tonight. I loved to cook and I know Jasper probably hasn't had a home cooked meal in a while. This kitchen space was exquisite and I could tell that it had been expertly designed to accommodate someone who liked to cook.
I heard the guys talking as they walked down the other hall way, I guess they went to put our bags away. So I went to the refrigerator and started taking out all the ingredients that Jasper had purchased per my request. He refused to let me get the groceries but was willing to take a list of the things I would need.
I started searching the cabinets for the things I would need to prepare. I was lost in the process of cooking when I felt eyes on me. I turned to look over my shoulder and I saw Jasper and Edward both standing with an arm around each other's others backs with a grin on both of their faces. I smiled and asked "Why are you two looking at me like the cats that ate the motherfucking canary?" I giggled as they both tried to hold in a laugh. They looked so cute with those innocent looking faces.
Seeing the two of them side by side like that made my stomach quell with anticipation and a small amount of fear. I'd always felt Jasper's pull towards Edward when we'd been around him in the past. It had always made me crazy with anxiety that somehow Jasper was going to try and take Edward away from me. Now that I was getting to know Jasper and was growing to love him as a trusted friend, I knew that was not the case. I know it's crazy to think about it that way, but I trust Jasper. He loves Edward, I have no doubt about that but he doesn't have the strength in himself to pull Edward away from me.
And we've had several conversations about his feelings for Alice over the past week, I could tell he was in love with her, he just didn't see it yet. The way he sounded when he talked about Edward always had an edge of sorrow to it but when he opened up about Alice it was nothing but sunshine and joy. But, I let it be, I listened when he talked, never really offering him my opinion. He needed to see it for himself. I would be so happy for him when that happened as I'd grown to care about Jasper and just wanted to see him free of the sadness that clouded his heart.
This wasn't an easy part of this equation, knowing that I'd be sharing Edward with his former lover, but I was trying to put out of my head the deeper connection between the two of them. I was trying to focus on the sexual part of it and leave the emotional part out….it wasn't easy. I had fears, tons of them, but I wasn't going to let them hold me back. I wanted this, on a sexual level I wanted to see this kinkiness up close and personal.
And it was starting, right in front of me as I saw Edward lean over to whisper something to Jasper in his ear, the ease of chemistry between them was undeniable and I felt myself getting drenched.
There was something so sexy about them together and I couldn't wait for them to see what I had planned for later.
"I hope you boys are hungry, I've been looking forward to cooking this meal all week." I said to them as they both smiled and starting mumbling about it smelling good already. "Edward, would you please open a bottle of wine and Jasper, why don't you put some music on," I called out to them wanting to seem like I had the upper hand. They both agreed and went about their tasks I'd given them.
I went back to prepping the food and soon felt a pair of strong hands grasping my hips and then I felt Edwards hard on pressing into my lower back. "Here you go, Love," he said placing a full glass of wine in front of me on the counter. I leaned back into him, relishing the feel of his body behind mine, "Thank you baby," I said turning my head around for a kiss. He kissed me hard, moaning into my mouth.
Pulling back he whispered, "Fuck, baby, I'm so hard already." His eyes were full of lust and I could tell he wasn't going to last long the first time around tonight. "Just wait baby, there's plenty of time," I giggled out at him, palming his cock through his jeans as I heard Jasper letting out a gasp from across the room. I smirked looking at him, "See something you like back there." I teased at him further by grinding my ass into Edward's cock, causing Edward to let out a low hiss at the contact.
"You guys need to relax a little, enjoy some wine, catch up, let me finish dinner then we can all talk for a bit." I said looking back and forth between the two of them. They were both tense from their obvious arousal and I could tell I was going to need to speed things along.
Turning around, I pushed Edward back a little telling him, "Go, sit at the bar with Jasper, try to calm down a little." His eyes twinkled as he whispered into my hair, "Not gonna happen little girl." I laughed and pushed him towards the counter behind him, turning back around to put the ingredients in the pan so I could get it all into the oven.
I finished up, grabbed my wine glass that now needing refilling and walked over to where they were both sitting. Edward quickly filled up my glass and I nodded to the living area so that we could get this weekend started by getting things out in the open.
It amazed me the utter ease I was feeling but it could have just been the wine relaxing me. Jasper seemed a lot more relaxed than normal, as well. Edward however was a walking stiff dick and I could tell he needed some release and quickly at that. I needed him to chill out and see that if we were comfortable, then he should be as well.
I quickly took a seat on one end of the couch, motioning for them to both sit down there as well. Edward sat in the middle and Jasper sat semi facing the center, like me.
"Jasper, what would you be doing if I weren't here right now and this was a typical evening that you spent with Edward?" I asked curiously.
"Um," he blushed and looked down grinning before looking back up at me with his eyes sparkling, "I would probably be on my knees with Edward's dick down my throat." He replied honestly.
"So what's stopping you now?" I quickly replied, wanting to see if he was seeing where I was going with this.
"Oh, well, I wasn't sure, I mean…Bella, really you want me to just take him?" He looked at me with shock in his eyes. Edward turned to stare at me too with a look of pure questioning on his face.
I laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Jasper, what I am trying to tell you is that you need to relax, even though I'm here, I want you to get out of this weekend what you are seeking. If giving Edward head is what you need, then by all means, do it because honestly, right now, he could use the release," I laughed out at both of them as they laughed back at me and visibly relaxed.
I could see the bulge in Edward's pants twitch a little and I nodded to Jasper as he took notice of where my eyes were focused. He gulped and reached out with a shaky hand to palm Edward's cock through his jeans. They both moaned at the same time and I couldn't control the feeling of anxiety and excitement running through me. I knew my panties were drenched but it didn't stop that small dose of fear swirling in the pit of my stomach, either. Watching them as they looked at one another, I held a breath, waiting for the sheer magnitude of the situation to hit me.
I felt my chest constrict as Jasper slowly started unzipping Edwards jeans and then undoing the button.
This was it, my moment of truth.
Could I truly sit here and watch this and not want to run away in agony at the sight of their lust for each other?
Jasper moved off the couch and down to the floor off the couch and in front of Edward. I gasped as Edward lifted his hips up so Jasper could pull his jeans and boxers down. Edward's luscious cock sprang free and I watched as Jasper's eyes never lost sight of it as he pulled Edward's jeans all the way down and out of the way.
Jasper glanced at me, and I nodded my approval. I could feel my heart racing and I couldn't have forced my eyes away even if I was looking straight into the scorching sun. My eyes were glued to the scene in front of me as Jasper lowered his mouth, licking the pre-cum off the tip of Edward's dick before slowly licking his way down and then back up the length of the shaft. I realized at that moment that I was somewhat panting in anticipation just as Edward was.
Jasper slowly took the tip inside his lips before gradually sucking down the head to engulf Edward's whole cock in his mouth. I think all three of us moaned out in relief and I could feel my clit throbbing. I wasn't ready to participate though. I had a plan and I was sticking to it. While I had not planned for this to happen so soon, there was no way I could stop it now, it was too erotic to watch.
Edward reached out for me, pulling me into his side as Jasper continued to suck on his cock, he managed to bring me close enough to kiss me deep and full of lust. While our tongues quickly fought for control, he couldn't stop moaning into my mouth so I pulled back watching his eyes roll back into his head. His hands quickly made their way to Jasper's hair, moving his head in time with his thrusts. Jasper's eyes were closed and his hands were anchored around Edward's thighs, holding him tight. He picked up the pace as he allowed Edward to essentially fuck his mouth and I instantly got jealous as this was one of my favorite things to do with Edward. I watched in envy knowing that his hot cum was about to burst down Jasper's throat as Edward's stomach tightened visibly and his back arched allowing him to go deeper down Jasper's throat.
Jasper stilled his movements as Edward pushed up into him with three quick tense arches and they both moaned out with Edward's orgasm hitting him hard. I couldn't help but feel a slight tingle of envy as I felt my pussy throb and with no relief to be found for the poor thing.
Just then a buzz started sounding from the kitchen and I knew that my dinner was ready to come out of the oven. I quickly stood up as Edward reached out to grab my wrist, "I love you," he whispered with a look of desire in his eyes. I leaned down to kiss him as Jasper was licking him clean, straightened up and told them to finish up and join me in the dining room in a few minutes.
Edward quickly pulled Jasper to him, kissing him hard. I knew he loved the taste of himself in my mouth, and Jasper's as well, I guessed. I almost felt like I was intruding as I watched their lips connect but I continued to walk away thinking about how it would feel from Jasper's end when he sees Edward and me together.
It was going to be an interesting night, that's for sure.
PART 2
**JPOV**
I can't believe I just gave Edward head with Bella watching. I knew that she would eventually watch us but I just didn't expect it to be so quick. I mean our night had barely begun and for her so freely to just serve Edward up like that shocked the shit out of me. But who was I turn his dick down? I mean wasn't that what we were here for and if we had been alone I would have thrown him up against the wall and gone down on him the minute he had walked in the door.
The minute they'd pulled into the drive my cock had hardened in anticipation of what was to come. When we walked into the bedroom to put their bags away it took all the strength I had not to push him onto the bed and have my way with him. But since Bella was not in the room with us, I was trying to gauge his emotions. I also knew that it was too soon.
Keeping my hands off him was proving to be harder than I imagined so when he reached out to touch me earlier I stopped restraining myself. When he pulled me into that kiss after he came in my throat, I was so ready to just strip us both down and get it over with, however, I knew that Bella had a plan. We kissed for several minutes before I finally pulled back, needing to find my breath. Kissing him again was sending my heart into overdrive and I just knew it was going to pound a dent into my chest. He let out a small laugh holding my eyes before he said, "Nice to see some things haven't changed, huh Jasper?"
I couldn't help but smile and let out a little sigh of relief that he felt the pull too. "Let's get you dressed and go enjoy the amazing smelling food your wife has fixed for us," I said pulling him to his feet while I grabbed his jeans and slid them back up his legs, allowing my fingers to linger as I went up. Fuck his body was just as glorious as I remembered it, but more defined and toned.
He pulled me to my feet after he tucked himself back in and buttoned up. "I can't wait to return the favor," he whispered out before planting a small kiss to my lips. Groaning, I grabbed his hand pulling him towards the dining room where Bella was putting the last of the dishes on the table.
Edward sat at the head of the table while I was on his left and Bella to his right. It seemed appropriate to sit to the right, as she was his wife, and I was just a minor player in the game.
"Bella, baby, this looks delicious," Edward told her while I agreed. She had really outdone herself fixing homemade lasagna, a fresh salad and garlic bread. I couldn't wait to dig into something homemade since I mainly ate sandwiches, cereal or take out as my regular meals. It had been a while since I'd had a real home cooked meal.
"Thank you," she shyly replied. I chuckled at her shyness, where was that assertive and confident woman I'd watched just a few minutes before? She truly was one of a kind, that's for sure.
"Jasper do you have a plan for the weekend?" Edward inquired.
"Um….not really, Edward, I know that Bella and I discussed a few things and I think she's got a plan for tonight then I guess we'll just wing it, so to speak." I said glancing at Bella as she smiled wide and nodded her head back at us.
"Edward, just relax and enjoy the meal." Bella said, pulling his hand into her as she placed it on the table. We spent the rest of the meal casually chatting, laughing and genuinely having a good time. It felt so peaceful to me. While it wasn't ideal, it just felt good to be in Edward's presence without having to be on guard or hiding my emotions. I could feel the love I felt for him swirling through me and my heart felt like little cracks were being patched up.
Once we were done eating we insisted on clearing the table as Bella had cooked and pretty well cleaned up the kitchen after cooking. She told us that she had something to prepare in the bedroom and to join her once we were done.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being curious as to what she had up her sleeve but as long as it got me inside Edward, I didn't really care at this point. My dick was hard enough to cut diamonds and I could not wait to feel his bare skin against mine.
"Thank you, Jasper for being so accommodating with Bella." Edward said as we carried dishes to the kitchen sink.
"Edward, I adore Bella and I don't want this to be a painful experience for her. I know what I'm asking of her and I could not imagine intentionally hurting her. If she needs things to be her way then who am I to say no?" I answered honestly.
He grabbed my face pulling my lips towards his, "That's one of the things I loved about you Jasper, the ability your heart has to put others first, you and Bella are so much alike in that regard," he said in a whisper before placing his lips on mine. I got drunk on the feel of his tongue in my mouth, pulling him into my arms to hold him tighter, like I was afraid he'd disappear. He gripped my ass in his hands, thrusting up against my throbbing hard on. I moaned as I felt how hard he was, too. He slowly pulled back, putting his forehead against mine, holding my eyes with his. "Fuck, Jasper," he whispered.
"I know, Edward," I sighed at the feel of him so closely pushed up against me. We stood there for several minutes, just looking at each other, reconnecting our bodies in a way they hadn't been for years.
For a minute I thought I saw such deep longing and regret flash through his eyes, and I wondered where that was coming from. I knew his connection to Bella was strong. I didn't doubt his love for her, but for some reason, I felt a moment of 'what if' pass by on his face. He seemed to be feeling a myriad of emotions that I hadn't expected, to be honest.
I still felt nothing but deep love for him, but having him like this in my arms, feeling how easy it seemed, I also felt a separation. Something was different. He was different. I was different. The chemistry was still as strong and the desire still deep but the emotions had shifted somewhat. I don't know if it was the darkness that had lived in my heart for the past three years or if it was the fact that I was expecting the feelings to lessen over the next forty-eight hours. But something was infinitely different within my soul, in regards to the heaviness of my feelings for Edward.
"We better not keep that pretty lady waiting, Edward." I whispered. He smiled, leaned in for a quick peck and let go of me, keeping his hand in mine. "No, we shouldn't," he replied pulling me towards the door.
We walked slowly down the hall, stopping just as we got to the door, "Ready?" he asked me, looking a little overwhelmed. I caressed his cheek with my fingers, "It'll be okay, Edward." He let out a long breath and turned the knob pushing the door completely open to reveal Bella standing in the center of the floor in nothing but a midnight blue sheer gown. We both stopped when we saw her, I could feel Edward tense up and let out a long steady breathe, pulling me tighter against him.
"So beautiful, isn't she?" He whispered.
"Yes, she truly is." I replied, feeling him pull away from me towards her. As he released my hand to walk to her, I moved around to sit on a chaise lounge in the corner of the room. This was her moment and I would follow whatever lead she provided me. I watched as Edward caressed every inch of her skin that he could touch, his eyes never leaving hers and not an inch of space between their bodies. They truly were beyond magnificent together.
"You are so beautiful," he whispered to her while slowly pulling the straps of her gown off her shoulders, kissing a path down her arm as the silk flowed softly to the floor revealing her porcelain bare skin. He continued to kiss every sliver of skin he could reach with his lips, as she started unbuttoning his shirt then his jeans. She undressed him revealing his insanely gorgeous body as I held my breath at seeing him in the flesh, once again.
My dick was about to revolt and burst through the denim confines I had it trapped in. Watching them together was beyond erotic and I refused to look away. I slowly removed my clothing as they made their way to the bed where Edward laid Bella down so I could watch his face as he worshipped her body. "So perfect, baby," he whispered to her as he leaned down to kiss from her collarbone to the swell of her breast. I could tell that he laid her out this way so that it minimized what I saw of her but gave me a full view of him. As he took her nipple into his mouth, I grasped my cock, slowly stroking a few times to relieve some of the pressure building inside.
Bella arched her back up to force her breast deeper into his mouth as I noticed his hand trailing down between her legs, slowly moving into her pussy causing her to moan out his name and begging him for more.
He moved his mouth over her chest to the neglected nipple, pulling his fingers out of her and up to his mouth, slowly sucking her juices off his fingers. It's was almost enough for me to cum in my hand by watching him.
I released a breath I didn't know I'd been holding as he started to turn her towards the top of the bed, instructing her to grab the headboard. As she did, I saw him line up his cock and that's when I noticed some ink on his back. I didn't know that he had gotten a tattoo….what the fuck was it? It was about four inches long, curvy lines and black. I slowly stood to walk towards the bed to get a better look, all the while slowly stroking my cock to the thought of ink on his perfect body.
I heard both of them cry out as he entered her, which drew my attention back to his ass as it started flexing and releasing with the strokes he was pumping into her.
Then I saw it. That motherfucking Treble clef right there on his skin in black ink, surrounded by a guitar on one end… my guitar, with piano keys around the bottom end with music notes running all around the rest. Seeing the tattoo that held a piece of me engraved in his skin, my body took over, the urge to push into him was overwhelming. He had my guitar motherfucking tattooed on his back…I knew it was mine because it had the blue flames running around the neck like mine did.
I quickly searched the room for the items I needed and needed NOW. I spotted the lube and condoms lying on the bedside table. I quickly retrieved them and returned to my spot at the foot of the bed. Stroking my cock a few times, I opened the package and pulled the condom on, lathering it up with lube, then crawling across the bed putting my hands harshly on Edward's ass cheeks, spreading them only to see something there. He had a motherfucking anal plug in. I had to have him and the urge to thrust into him too urgent, knowing he was prepared for me to take him.
Leaning forward I removed the plug, and I whispered into his ear, "Get ready because this won't be gentle." I thrust the tip of my cock quickly inside his ass. He gasped and I moaned at the feel of his tightness. He stopped the thrusting rhythm inside Bella. He was waiting for me to take him so I thrust deep inside him, not slowing, nor waiting for him to adjust.
He screamed out. I wasn't sure if it was in pain or pleasure. I couldn't be sure but I wasn't motherfucking stopping no matter what anyway so I allowed the worry to leave my mind. He had my fucking guitar tattooed on his motherfucking back, I didn't care that his dick was buried balls deep inside Bella. My dick was buried balls deep in his ass and it felt glorious.
I quickly set a pace of pumping into him fast and needy. I could feel him pushing into her with each thrust I pushed deeper into him. She was moaning and writhing around under him. I glanced over his shoulder. I could tell he had a hand on her clit as he was leaning over her on one arm trying to hold his torso up. I was relentless in my pounding, entering him, pushing deeper inside, over and over again. I knew he came inside of her as they both cried out in release so I grabbed his hips forcefully, keeping his body right where I wanted him, knowing that my release wasn't far behind theirs. He turned to watch me over his shoulder and I felt the pressure building in my balls as he watched me, holding my eyes to his. "Let go, Jasper." He whispered as I thrust one more time feeling my hot white cum shoot through me with a force I hadn't felt in years.
Gasping for breath I leaned down onto him holding still as to avoid slipping out of him. I wasn't ready for that connection to end just yet. "Fuck Edward," I panted out, desperately wanting to call him baby in that moment. I leaned down to kiss the ink on his back feeling him shiver slightly. I slowly pulled my body from inside his, needing to step back from that emotional pull he held over me, as I regained my senses and my breath.
They were both coming down from their highs when I felt Bella pull herself under the bedcovers that were turned back. Edward pulled me around to his other side so that he was in between us. I slowly pulled away, knowing I had to get rid of the condom and clean up a bit. "Excuse me, I'll be right back." I said moving towards my clothing on the floor, grabbing my boxers and headed into the master bathroom.
When I closed the door behind me, I rested my head against it, I willed my breathing to come under control. I could hear them whispering so I went about disposing of the condom. I quickly washed my dick and splashed some cold water on my face.
My mind was spinning out of control. Why had he never told me about the tattoo? Why did he have my guitar inked on his back if he never loved me? What the fuck was going on with him?
Suddenly there was a small knock on the door, "Jasper, are you okay?" I heard Edward ask.
"Yeah, Edward, I'm fine. I'll be right out." I responded.
PART 3
"Come on, Jasper, come lay with us." He said quietly, his eyes dancing, as he led me towards the bed with his hand in mine. He crawled in first lying with his back semi propped up on the pillows. Bella snuggled into his side with her head on his chest and I quickly did the same on my side.
He pulled an arm around each of us, keeping us tight and close to him. I closed my eyes, relaxing into him, feeling his skin on mine tonight far exceeded the memory of how majestic his bare skin used to feel on mine. I know that he could feel my hardened length pulsing on his thigh as I wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him tighter to me.
"Jasper, do you need some help with that, um, situation?" Edward eyes gleamed at me as I opened my eyes to see him staring at me with pure wanton lust in his beautiful green orbs.
I glanced at Bella, almost as if looking for approval or permission but she had a look of indifference on her face, which worried me slightly. This was all a little overwhelming to me. I couldn't imagine how she was dealing with it.
"I think I'd really like that Edward, what did you have in mind?" I asked as I pulled back to lie on my elbow.
"Bella, baby, are you up for round two?" Edward said as he pulled her chin up to look into her eyes.
A cocky grin crossed her face, "You know I am, love. What do you have in mind?" She pulled herself up onto her elbow where we both now sat watching him for direction.
"I'd really like to have Jasper's cock in my mouth," He answered while moving his hand down my body to stroke my erection causing me to moan heavily out loud. My eyes went to his hand on me and I couldn't help that the sight caused my eyes roll back into my head. I hadn't felt his hands on me in so long; it was a moment of pure bliss.
"Oh, well… where do you want me," Bella giggled out, seemingly turned on by what she was witnessing.
"I want you riding my dick, baby, cowgirl, please," It almost seemed like he was begging by the tone of his voice.
I could feel Bella get up from where she had laid as Edward pulled his hand off my cock. My eyes snapped open, feeling him grasping my arms to pull me over him, straddling his chest. He knew I absolutely loved this position with my cock in his mouth it gave me a great view while I fucked his mouth.
I sat up, pulled my boxers off, threw them across the room and moved to straddle Edward's face.
"Are you ready baby?" Edward called out to Bella.
"Mmmhmmm, sooo ready," she quickly replied, drawing out her words. I looked back over my shoulder just in time to see her licking the pre-cum off the tip of his glorious dick. She then sat up and turned with her back to me, sinking down onto Edward's cock.
I felt Edward's hands tighten their grip on top of my thighs and I turned to see his face shining with pure desire up at me. I placed the tip of my cock on his lower lip watching as his tongue snaked out to lick the swell of moisture gathered there.
My mouth fell open with the anticipation of his mouth on my rock hard length…and the most delectable twinge of fire soared through me as I sank my cock down into Edward's mouth.
Heat.
Wet.
Perfect.
I growled as my eyes rolled back into my head trying to hold off on the deep desire to thrust further into his mouth. When he started sucking me a little harder, swirling his tongue around my shaft I couldn't help but lower my eyes to watch myself slide in and out of his mouth. I grabbed the headboard to hold me up, as I pulled my cock further out of his mouth. I let him know that I wanted control, not him. He watched me, his eyes glistening, he showed me that he would wait on me to lead this. I slowly sank back into Edward's mouth as he hollowed out his cheeks with a hard pull on my way back up.
"Fuck, Edward, your mouth feels so amazing, ba…." I caught myself as I started to say baby. It brought reality crashing back down to me. As I continued fucking Edward's mouth, something felt off, not quite right. It's like a hollow part of my heart was filled with searing pain….and then as I reached to put my hand over my heart to touch the hurt, Alice's face ran through my mind.
I sucked in a deep breath, closed my eyes, I held back a tear I felt forming. What the fuck am I doing?
Just then I felt Edward's hands as they pulled my arms down off the headboard, he fanned his fingers between mine, he held me tightly. He lightly scraped his teeth across my dick to get my attention. I slowly opened my eyes to see his gable green eyes as they searched mine. He was here, beneath me, sucking me off…this was all that I'd wanted for so long, yet there was a pull that nagged at me in the back of mind that told me this was wrong. He was wrong. I was wrong.
I closed my eyes, shook off those feelings as I sunk back into his mouth. I picked up my pace and fucked his mouth, hard, rough and unforgiving.
Edward started to moan and I could feel him buck his hips upwards. I snapped back into the realm of this room to hear Bella moan, mumbling and scream out, as I assumed her orgasm hit her hard.
Edward tightened his grip on my thighs, digging his fingers into my skin, he pulled me down his wide open throat as I felt the fire shoot through me in three long streams of blazing heat that released from my cock.
"Edddddwaaarrrrrrrdddddddddd, fuck…" I screamed out and leaned my whole body forward towards the wall and headboard. My body panted for air as I opened my eyes to see him stare at me. He licked me clean before he popped me out of his mouth, I felt Bella climb off the bed before saying, "I'll be right, I'm going to take a quick shower."
"Okay baby," Edward replied to her while his eyes maintained contact with mine.
I crawled off of Edward and I laid down facing him while on my side. I left a fair amount of space between us. We watched each other and I couldn't help but let my thoughts churn wildly.
Was this it? Had I finally been able to let him go? Staring at him this way, with us both lying on our sides took me back to that night years ago when we were almost in the same exact positions. That had been one of the most magical moments of my life but now….it was one of the most painful.
I was filled with so much confusion and uncertainty. I had loved Edward for so long and I had never, not ever felt this conflicted about being with him. And the hurt in my chest…it felt like he'd left me all over again.
I fought to hold the tears that I knew were lining my eyes. He wouldn't understand, I don't think.
"Jasper?" He said as he reached to stroke my cheek. It was meant to be comforting, soothing and to convey some emotion but it felt shallow. The depth behind it wasn't there in the way I'd remembered.
"Where are you, Jasper, because you seem a million miles from me right now." He very quietly said. His eyes searched mine for something, recognition maybe.
"I'm here, Edward. I see you, I know where you are." I offered with a single tear slipping through my emotional barricade.
"What did I do to you? How badly have I hurt you, Jasper?" he softly cried to me, running his thumb along my jaw line.
I let out a small sob as the tears took over and I let the past three years of hurt, agony and desperation pour from me in the wetness on my cheeks.
He scrambled across the space between us, pulled me into his arms, and tucked my head into the crook of his neck. "Shhhhh baby, I've got you," he whispered into my ear so quietly, over and over again. I didn't think I would ever be able to stop crying as we laid there for what felt like hours.
I felt sleep knocking on my mentally and emotionally spent mind and I welcomed it with open arms. Wrapped up in Edward's arms, I closed my eyes and gave in.
**BPOV**
After walking out of the bathroom, relaxed and sated, I was completely unprepared for the scene before me. Edward and Jasper were wrapped around each other. I could tell by both of their faces they had been crying. Unable to look away, even while an unyielded pain seized my heart, I felt the tears form in my eyes.
What had they said one another? Had they reconnected and felt I was no longer necessary? My mind reeled with sheer devastation as the thoughts of my dream played out in my head. The look on Edward's face in that nightmare will forever haunt my living minutes.
Finally my feet found the will to move again and I started to move towards the bed, unsure if I should join them or move to another room. Having not known what transpired between them left me floundering with unanswered questions and doubts.
Edward's eyes snapped open and he his eyes started to search the dimly lit room, until he rested them upon me.
"Hey," he spoke quietly, almost completely muted.
"Hi." I said as I stood beside the bed, still uneasy with not knowing what to do.
He slowly started to untangle himself from Jasper before I put up my hands in protest. "Edward, he clearly needed you to hold him, I'll just go sleep in the other room." I said while I dropped my eyes to my study my hands, specifically on my wedding ring.
"No baby, I want you here, I need you here. Please come here and lie with me," Clearly he pleaded with me to look at him with his voice since I hadn't looked up to him yet.
"Are you sure? I don't want to intrude or be in the way." I asked finally looking up to see his face full of confusion.
"Baby, no, don't think that way, I want you here, Jasper wants you here. You are NOT intruding," He said as his voice came out in full force. He moved out of Jasper's arms, and laid him off to the side on the pillow. Edward then opened his arms up to me in an attempt to get me in the bed.
I crawled in and slipped into his arms, I relaxed momentarily before I asked, "Is Jasper alright?" Suddenly I wished that I were anywhere but here in this situation. I thought that I was strong enough to handle all of this without my emotions coming into play. Boy was I wrong.
"He's had a rough night, love, but I think he'll be okay. He's carried a lot of hurt around for a while. I truly hope he can get over it like he thought he could." He said with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
"Sleep baby girl, I know you must be exhausted." He pulled me deeper into his embrace, tucked my head under his chin, like our normal sleeping position.
I didn't think there was any form of rest that was going to help me, at the moment. But I laid there until I felt him fall asleep and his breathing even out.
After I knew he was deep in sleep I crawled out of bed, grabbed a blanket out of the closet and went outside to sit on the deck. I needed to step back for a moment and think about what I've allowed to happen.
As I looked back into the room, I sighed at the sight of them lying in bed together. Jasper had moved over to spoon with Edward and had his arm draped around Edward's stomach. He clearly loved him very much, I could see it in every touch, feel it in every movement and hear it as he cried out Edward's name when he came.
What had I done by agreeing to this? Had I sealed my fate? Would I let Jasper just take Edward from me?
No, no, no, I knew that Edward loved me, sometimes beyond reason and he would never just let me go. He needed me just as much as I needed him.
When the waves rolled off the ocean, I felt like I was stuck in the rip tide, being pushed under and unable to reach the surface. Then I allowed the tears to fall from my eyes and I hoped they could wash away the doubts and insecurities that I felt.
"Little girl, why are you sitting out here all alone?" Jasper quietly asked as he sat down next to me on the lounge chair. "Are you crying beautiful Bella?" He asked as he reached out to smooth away the wetness from my cheeks.
"Just needed to clear my head," I replied. We both continued to stare out at the moonlight that shone on the water.
"Bella?" Jasper said as he pulled my chin to force me to face him, his eyes scanned mine. "Talk to me," he pleaded.
"Jasper, are you going to fight for Edward? Are you going to try and take him from me?" I couldn't hold the fresh tears that slid out of my eyes.
He quickly pulled me into an embrace, "No, Bella, he is yours…I know now his heart was never mine to have. His heart has always belonged to you," he pulled away from me to look me in the face, "His heart is only yours. Don't ever doubt that."
"But you were both crying and you were holding each other and …." I sobbed out, unable to control the depth of emotions that poured out of me.
He pulled me back tight against me, "Shhshhshh little one, you misunderstood what you saw. He was comforting me but it wasn't what you thought." Once again, he pulled away to look me in the eyes, but this time he hesitated for a moment, "I finally feel like I could let him go. Bella, I now know that my heart belongs to someone else. I felt overwhelmed as I realized that Edward wasn't right for me ….he doesn't own me anymore." I heard the relief and anxiety in his voice. But I also heard honesty.
"Jasper, what does that mean?" I needed to hear him say it.
"It means Bella, that I know who I'm in love with and I know that it isn't Edward. I know that the hurt I've carried around for so long is gone. I got a little freaked out when it all started to happen and it overwhelmed me….I'm sure he didn't understand that I cried because I wasn't in love with him anymore." He looked at me with a small smirk on his face.
"But Bella, he's carried a lot of guilt and remorse over our break up and my subsequent feelings. You can't let him do that. You can't let him sink into those feelings." He said as he gripped my hands tightly. "But most of all Bella, YOU have to let go of these doubts and insecurities you have. .YOU. And only you, beautiful Bella." He smiled at me, all the while he tried to reassure me.
"I know he loves me Jasper. But you know what's it like when he leaves…knowing you now and talking to you about it has shown me that I know I wouldn't survive what you went through." As I spoke his face squashed up in a painful manner.
"Bella, stop, Edward would never walk away from you. He would never leave you. Don't you see? You are 'The One' for him, there is no other and there will never be another."
He sat back on the lounge, he pulled me down with him, like a protective hug from the heaviness I felt. I loved Jasper. I know it seemed weird given the situation we were in but I knew that after this was all over and the dust settled that he'd become one of my closest friends apart from Edward.
"Jasper, I need your help with something tomorrow, if that's okay?" I asked him, I hoped he would go along with what I wanted.
"Sure darlin', anything you need," he answered me.
I just hoped it wouldn't backfire on me when Edward had to experience what I had in mind.
But I had to know one way or the other.
Chapter 9
BPOV **Early Saturday morning, outside on the deck**
As I revealed to Jasper what I had in mind, he was hesitant. He needed to understand completely what I asked of him and better yet the 'why' of what I wanted it to happen.
"Jasper, I've never doubted Edward's feelings for me, but seeing all the chemistry between the two of you….it makes me doubt if he was ever honest about his feelings towards you." I hesitated as my brain hoped that he would just listen to what I had to say.
"Plus, I need him to see what it feels like, because he's never had to share me with anyone. He's never had to think about someone else's hands on my body, in my body. In fact, no one has ever had a piece of me before him. He never had that with you either…." I paused to look up at him. "So he needs to see what it feels like and he needs to see it between us." I said with a bold confidence, as I searched his face to determine his emotions.
"Bella….this just scares me. This just feels like a harsh way to 'teach' him a lesson…." He stuttered but looked me square in the eye, "if it's what you need, then I'll help you. I'm fearful that we'll push him too far but …..Edward needs to be pushed, I think." He had a look of determination in his eyes as he reached out to run his hands soothingly up and down my arms. We stared at one another for a few moments; our eyes were able to communicate without any words spoken between us.
"So beautiful Bella, what's your plan?" He asked as he smiled at me with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
"First, we have to present a united front when we do this. We have to get him into a state of complete arousal and tie him up then we tell him that we've decided to amend the rules. And since we told him in the beginning that we reserve the right to change the rules, he can't argue with us about it. He'll just have to lay there and watch it all play out in front of him." I watched him nod in agreement, now I just had to calm the nerves that bounced around my chest.
I had never wanted to hurt Edward or watch him in any pain. I got to be honest this scared me to my core.
Jasper and I shared the lounge chair for a few quiet seconds before he pulled me back into his arms engulfing me in a hug. Nothing about sitting so close to him, between his thighs, encased in his arms was sexual at all. It was comfort, pure and simple. We sat there for a few minutes in silence before Jasper said, "Its cold out here and it's late, let's go in and try to rest, beautiful Bella."
I threw my legs to the side of the chaise and reached to pull Jasper up too. He kissed my forehead and we walked back inside. He went to the bathroom while I crawled in the bed. I snuggled up to Edward and he immediately turned to pull me into his arms, it never ceased to amaze me how safe I always felt while surrounded with the blanket of his body. He sighed in his sleep and nuzzled my head under his chin.
I felt the bed move as Jasper crawled in behind Edward. "Goodnight, beautiful Bella," he whispered out into the dark as I closed my eyes and let the sleep overcome me.
JPOV
I laid there with my arm around Edward's waist, in the darkness for what felt like hours. I watched him sleep like I had done so many times before, many years ago. I let a tear slip down my cheek as I realized that this was the moment I had waited for and how I couldn't wait to get away from it now.
He was now just a beautiful boy that laid beside me. But for whom, once upon a time, I would have given up my life for; now he held nothing but precious memories in the shadows of my life.
I watched the beauty of love that passed in the protective nature he held Bella within his arms and the security she felt, surrounded by the cage he held her in. They truly were a beauty to behold, together.
I only envied them in the fact that I hoped that I would someday be that same way with the newly realized love of my life. Only time would tell, at this point, if Alice was even willing to give me the opportunity to find out.
Alice.
Just to think her name brought her beautiful face to my mind, the sight caused my chest to ache with deep pains of regret. I had hurt her in the same way that Edward had hurt her, as well as how he had hurt me.
I was blind to what had been in front of me all along. I couldn't wait to rush to her, beg for her heart and hope that she still loved me.
But I couldn't leave, not yet. Bella needed me, she needed my help. It scared me what she wanted to do. It also brought me a sense of satisfaction to know that in a few short hours Edward would face a situation that he had no control over. I didn't want Edward to hurt and I definitely didn't feel good about seeing him in pain.
However, he had gotten away from having to deal with painful situations all too often in his life.
Edward had never had to watch the person he loved in the arms of another.
Edward had never had to face the pain of loss.
Edward never had to sit back and watch as the desires of his heart were being torn away from him.
When I asked for this weekend I never anticipated this outcome. Not in my wildest dreams had any of the scenarios played out this way.
I hated to think of the fallout, though. This could destroy all three of us if it backfired.
I swept my hand across Edward's cheek, as I leaned forward to place a single kiss to his temple. I stared at him for one brief moment before I lay down, closed my eyes and completely let him go.
My heart was free of Edward. I was free.
EPOV
I awoke with my wife wrapped in my arms and the arms of my former lover draped across me. I had never felt so encased in love before.
When I touched Jasper the tingle ran through me as it had in the past but something was different. It definitely wasn't like the fire that inflamed me like Bella's skin.
Jasper's hot breath whispered across my back and Bella's on my chest did nothing but send a flash of lightening straight to my cock. Then I felt a barrage of guilt cloud my mind. Was it Jasper or Bella that turned me on?
To have them together was almost surreal. All my wildest fantasies come true. Yet, something felt wrong. I felt a pull from both of them.
When Jasper and I had been together, there had been a constant need to touch him, kiss him, be inside of him. It was something I incessantly yearned for. I could never get enough of him. One look from him would get my dick hard as nails.
With Bella it was even worse. That first month we were together, before we'd made love, I was in a perpetual state of arousal. I jacked off more in that thirty days that I did my whole High School career, I think. I had blue balls more than once. And once we'd finally given in to our lust, there were not enough ways imaginable for me to fuck her. She had even accused me of taking Viagra at one point, in the beginning.
They were the only two people in this world that would ever know me in that capacity or be able to share that bond with me.
Thinking of that being a bonding agent for their friendship scared me somehow. Bella knew my heart she knew that she owned me. But Jasper had thought that he did, too. And in some ways, at that time in our lives, he had. Does that mean that I had been in love with him? Had I fallen in love with him before Bella came along?
I was so confused.
As I lay there, the heat that enveloped me from their bodies that were tightly pushed up against me suddenly seemed to suffocate me. I needed to get up. I needed to clear my head.
I slowly got myself untangled from their grips and made my way to the bathroom, took a piss, splashed my faced with some water before I went in search of our luggage. I quickly dressed in my running clothes, grabbed Bella's ipod off the table, wrote a quick note to tell them where I was going and headed out to the beach through the door on the deck.
While I ran I thought back over all the memories from three years ago and especially that last night Jasper and I were together. It was also the night that Bella had silently walked into my life: I knew immediately that she had set my heart on fire.
I stared out at the water that rolled up on the shore as I ran until I worked up a good sweat before I turned around and headed back to the Cottage.
I felt like I was on the edge of a mountain and there was an avalanche about to sweep me away.
I just hoped it didn't bury me.
BPOV
I woke up alone in bed with Jasper. I searched around the room for any sign of Edward, but I didn't sense him anywhere. Then I spotted a note on the side table so I crawled out of bed, I couldn't stop the smile as I saw that he went for a run. He loved to run, it was his way to center himself, clear his clouded head and come home to me all sweaty and ready to fuck. I loved when he would fuck me all hot and sweaty and full of need. He was always a little rougher, demanded more and was more forceful. It was delicious when he dominated me that way. I hoped that this morning would be no exception.
However, in order for this plan to work, I needed to clear my own head, wrap my mind around what I wanted to accomplish.
When Edward had first told me about his and Jasper's relationship, I was a little taken aback. I mean, I was extremely intimidated because I had no experience or sexual knowledge. I was really scared to have sex with him because of his past with Jasper. I assumed that sex was reasonably the same but different between two men than with a man and a woman.
I didn't know how to give a blow job and had never even seen a penis in the flesh. I had never been naked in front of man before. Just the thought of anal sex before I'd even had vaginal sex, let's just say it didn't appeal to me in the least.
I feared I wouldn't be able to please him the way that Jasper could or that he would expect a lot more kinky positions. For someone who had no experience at all, it made me shy away from it. Once I finally broke down and talked to Edward about my fears he reassured me that he had no expectations that I feared. He simply wanted to express his love for me with the connection between our bodies.
Now, I was very well versed in most things sexually. But there was one thing had been void for both Edward and I in our sex life.
Anal sex.
I had broached the subject with Edward a few times and we'd fingered each other but that's as far as it had ever gone. Somehow I always felt as if Edward wouldn't go there with me because of his relationship with Jasper. I wanted to push that boundary and get Edward over whatever had always stopped him from taking me that way.
And I really, really wanted to take him that way. Especially after I watched with my own two eyes the pleasure he derived from it when he was with Jasper. Now, I just had to set things up to follow through on my plan with Jasper's help.
I heard Jasper begin to move around as I sat in the corner chair my eyes were drawn to the beach, I watched for Edward's return.
"Good morning, beautiful Bella." Jasper rasped because sleep still clouded his voice.
I turned to Jasper, I couldn't help but smile at him, "Good morning, Jasper."
"Where's Edward?" Jasper asked as he looked around the room. His long slender fingers wiped the sleep from his eyes.
"He went out for a run, to clear his head. He should return all hot, bothered and sweaty. At least he usually does," I said with an undeniable sigh of want in my voice.
Jasper teased, "Is this something I should make myself scarce for? Or will I be allowed to watch the show?"
He sat up, adjusted himself and looked at me with a face full of mischief.
"I'm trying to decide if we should go ahead with our plan now or wait until later." Suddenly, the room was full of tension as a serious vibe floated around the air.
"I'll follow your lead, Bella, but you have to be sure. If you get a sense that it isn't going to be the right time, don't force it, okay?" Jasper spoke with nothing but honest concern. He quickly found his boxers on the floor as I turned to watch for Edward's return.
I stared out at the water for a few minutes before I responded to him, "I just feel like it needs to be put out there Jasper. I need to know where he stands. I felt something shift in him yesterday, like an uncertainty lingered in his mind. I have to know for sure that he hasn't changed his mind." My tears fought to escape my eyes, but I held them in. The last thing I needed was to have Edward see a trace of wetness on my face that would not bode well for any of us.
I had to be strong. I had to follow this through. I needed to make Edward face, head on, whatever it was that ate away at him. He had a way about him, he side-stepped the issues that he needed to face and this time I would not allow that to happen.
I saw him as he jogged up the beach back towards the Cottage. There was no time like the present.
JPOV
Bella had a look of fierce determination on her face, but I also saw a tinge of doubt behind her eyes. She had her reasons for this quest. They made sense to me therefore I had no doubts in my mind that I would help her succeed. My only fear was about the ramifications to my relationship with Edward.
While I knew that we would no longer be lovers we had discussed eventually that we would like to renew a strictly platonic friendship. If this went badly, there would be no chance of that. For all our sakes, I hoped that wasn't the outcome. My gut was rarely ever wrong and something just felt off about this whole situation.
I tried to put that out of my mind as I saw Edward walk up on the deck, he grabbed a towel that he must have dropped across the chair as he attempted to wipe the sweat that drenched his body. He was a sight to behold with his shirt off, sweat glistened against his abs and his hair stuck to his head. Yes, my dick twitched, but I needed it to. I needed to put myself back in that frame of mind to accomplish Bella's mission.
"Hi sleepy heads," Edward said when he walked into the room, as he looked between the two of us with a glorious smile on his face.
"Hi baby," Bella grinned back at him, she rose from her chair to go to him. Once she got directly in front of him, wrapped her arms around his neck he leaned down to give her a deep and passionate kiss. A small pang of envy swirled in my chest, as I watched their exchange.
Suddenly, Edward's arm shot out towards me, his hand motioned for me to join them. They broke from their kiss as I crawled over the bed, to stand at the foot of the bed where they stood. His arm came out to encircle my waist, the action pulled me tighter into his side as he placed a small kiss to my lips.
He kept a tight grasp as he pulled back looking into my eyes. His eyes gave away how much he longed for me. I noticed a movement below my eye line and looked down to see that Bella palmed Edward's cock through his running shorts.
He moaned out loud at the contact. His body impulsively pushed his hips towards her hand. "Mmmmm, see what the two of you do to me?" He said with a hint of teasing. He turned to kiss me again, as Bella pushed him towards the bed. We all kind of stumbled along because we refused to let go of each other, we had no choice but to laugh at the awkwardness of our movements.
Once the back of Edward's knees hit the bed, he fell on his ass on the mattress. "Okay, baby, slow down," he excitedly spoke. "What do you have in mind, love?" He asked as pulled Bella between his legs.
"You, on your back, we'll take it from there." Bella forcefully told him, while she shoved his shoulders back towards the soft mattress.
"Mmm, so far so good, baby." Edward said as he scooted back on the bed. I'm certain I drooled a small amount when he licked his lips, while he eyed us both. Bella quickly discarded the sheet she had wrapped around her as I hastily removed my boxers.
"Put your arms above your head, Edward." Bella told him as he readily complied. She looked over her shoulder, winked at me and asked me to retrieve her bag. I hastily grabbed her bag, putting it on the bed near her and waited for her to instruct me on how this was to go down.
She pulled the binding rope from her bag, while she explained that she wanted me to set the bag on the foot of the bed, as she'd need it again shortly. I knew this was it. I knew she was about to carry out her plan after all.
Once this was done, I knew that I would leave. I had to make a choice in this moment. How did I want this to end?
Bella made quick time as she bound Edward's hands together and attaching them to the headboard. "Is that okay, baby?" She asked him. "It's more than okay." He excitedly replied.
Bella then moved to straddle Edward's face as I heard him moan, he knew what she wanted. She looked back at me again, "Jasper, take him how you want him, it's your choice." She stated softly and looked at me with a hint of darkness behind her eyes.
I reached up to Edward's hips, slowly pulled his running shorts and boxers off before I reached to take his shoes and socks off. I left him nude before me. I stared at his twitching cock for a long minute, before I determined that this started with a blow job and that is exactly how it should end.
As I slowly pushed his legs apart, I crouched down between them. I thought about every moment that I had been in this position before. How it had always been a place of want, desire and every growing need, wrapped securely in his legs with his hardened length in my mouth.
This time was obstinately different. This would be the last time I would ever lay eyes on his body in this capacity. The last time I would ever feel his naked flesh under my own, feel his body in my own, the last time I would ever take from him what no longer belonged to me.
I fought to hold back a tear.
A tear that wanted to fall for what could have been.
A tear that wanted to fall for what would never be.
A tear that wanted to fall for what I was doing to the one I was in love with, unbeknownst to her.
I lowered my mouth to his cock and made sure to lick slowly around the tip, I remembered every single moment that I had tasted him this way. The memories flooded into my head from the vault in my mind.
I allowed a tear to fall as I took him further into my mouth. I felt the heat from his skin ignite on my tongue. I swallowed him further down with each draw of my mouth. My body let go and felt every second of anguish I'd suffered over the past three years while I washed over his dick in my mouth with the moisture I laved upon it.
I felt him thrust his hips up as I pulled my arms tighter around his thighs to hold him place. I needed him still, I'd chased after him for far too long. He needed to stop and wait for me now. I needed to be the one to control this moment. I needed to let him know that he no longer held the power.
With my eyes pinched tight, I pictured him over me, under me, inside of me, as he held me, as he kissed me. The scenes of our time together crashed like waves in my mind's eye, they wracked my heart with such a force of intensity that it caused me to almost choke on the appendage that filled my mouth.
I held back a sob of overwhelming release for the hold that he had held on me for so long was gone. I had no chains that bound me to him any longer. I had no bars across my soul. My mind no longer knew him as a lover. I increased my pace to get him to the edge quickly so that this could just end. I needed him out of my mouth, his dick felt like a flame on my bare tongue as I felt him tighten his abs, his telltale sign that he was on the brink of release. I opened my throat, sliding him deep inside of my mouth and finally felt his hot cum as it ran down the back of my throat. I swallowed the last of my love for him, two more tears slip silently slipped through my clenched eyelids. I licked him clean before I slowly slid down to the foot of the bed, my knees hitting the floor, my hands made into the shape of fists that clutched the bedcover, head down fighting for breath. It almost felt as if I were having a panic attack.
I had been so lost in my own revelry that I hadn't even heard or felt or seen anything that occurred between Bella and Edward.
Nothing. It was like they weren't even there. Until I heard Bella call out my name. "Yes Bella?" I quietly responded.
"Um, are you okay?" She curiously eyed me, as I saw Edward's head strained to look up while he looked focused on me with concern written all over his face, too.
"Oh, yes, I'm fine, just needed to catch my breath." I answered, as I hoped that neither of them questioned me further.
She nodded at me as she crawled off of Edward and moved to stand next to me at the foot of the bed. I stood beside her, and looked to her as she offered a small smile, she rung her hands in fear a few times then turned to face Edward.
Edward's head strained up off the bed because his hands were stilled tied to the headboard. "What's going on?" He asked. His clear green eyes dashed back and forth between the two of us with a look of fear that quickly replaced his post coital glaze.
"Well, Edward, as you know Jasper and I reserve the right to change the rules during this weekend…" she paused and glanced at me as her eyes begged me to help her find enough strength to do this. I decided to take some of the pressure off of her. I moved towards the headboard and therefore closer to Edward so that he would definitely hear what I was about to say. I leaned towards Edward's tense body and whispered, "We've decided to amend the no touching rule, Edward."
"WHAT?" He yelled out. "NO, NO, stop this now. Both of you….Bella, untie my fucking hands, NOW!" Edward demanded as he started to thrash about on the bed.
"I'm sorry, Edward, I can't do that. You need to see this. I need to learn this. It's going to help both of us, I hope." Bella calmly told him while her face contorted into a painful expression as she watched Edward struggle to break free from his bindings.
"Jasper, don't you fucking touch her, I mean, I will kick your ass, I will….NO, JASPER, stop this, I don't want this. You said I had a say…." His voice held anger, rage and fear. Most of all it held a plea, the tone of his voice as well as his words begged me to stop. As I watched Bella move to retrieve her bag, tears began to flow down Edward's face.
"No, Bella, baby, no, don't do this, please ….I'm the only one….please….no one has ever touched you…please, I'm begging you, please" he cried overwhelmingly distraught.
Edward's eyes grew wide as he watched Bella pull her items from her bag. "BELLA!" He screamed.
"NO, NO, NO, baby please do not do this." He continued to plead with her.
I moved the chaise lounge to the foot of the bed where Bella and I had discussed that our little 'show' would take place.
"Jasper…" Bella whispered, her hands shook as she held out the strap on in her hand and motioned for me to come to her. "Help me please." Her voice held nothing but fear.
Edward tried with all of his might to get loose from the rope that held him hostage.
"Let me see it Bella," I instructed her to turn around as I fastened the nylon straps around her tiny waist, I made sure to cinch them tightly. I turned her back to face me, pulled her chin up so I could see her eyes, "Are you sure Bella?" She nodded her head, quickly wiped the loose tear that had fallen. "Yes, he needs to see it, he needs to let go of his feelings." She whispered so quietly that I barely heard her. After I nodded my head at her, I leaned down to lay a kiss on her forehead. "Jasper, stop!" Edward seethed out through gritted teeth as his eyes had never left the two of us. "Don't you fucking touch her again. I'm going to rip you limb from limb when I get free from here." He growled at me, which caused me to flinch.
I was scared to look at him but I turned anyway. "Edward, Bella wanted to learn how to please you. I'm simply complying with her request. Please don't make this harder on her than it already is." I stated with a force of protectiveness in my tone. He needed to know that I would never hurt her, that I wasn't going to cross a line with her.
"What?" he shrieked. "No, I don't want this. Bella, I can teach you. I will baby. Please don't take Jasper that way. Please?" Again, his voice was full of hurt and despair. But neither of us relented as we continued our plan. I got on all fours on the lounge chair, instructing her to lube a finger first and to slowly insert it, attempting to move it in a circle to allow me to stretch before she added another finger.
She gently inserted a tiny finger inside of me as I relaxed and allowed myself to just block out Edward's cries, pleas and sobs as he sat torturously and watched this all unfold. She followed my instructions and added another finger and then a third.
"Do you feel how I've began to loosen a bit? That's how you'll know I'm ready." I softly led her with my words. "Now, apply a generous amount of the lube onto the cock so that it's plenty moistened," I continued to talk to her as I looked over my shoulder to carefully watch and make sure she applied enough to be comfortable for me.
"Good, Bella. You are doing fine. Now, line yourself up at my entrance, slowly inserting the tip, wait for me to push back a little before you ease in a little further. Make sure you stroke a few times before you try to slide all the way in."
She did everything just as I told her to. I could feel the tip just enter me when Edward screamed out, "STOP! NO BELLA! HE IS MINE. PLEASE NO. NO, I CAN'T WATCH THIS. JASPER, DON'T LET HER TAKE YOU, PLEASE BABY, DON'T LET HER TAKE MY PLACE. NO, NO, NO, NO," his head violently shook and his arms were strained to pull the headboard apart as his tried with all of his might to break free.
"Jas, no, baby, no…..she can't….that's my place…no one else's….no, baby, please don't do this," he started to gasp for air as I felt Bella increase her thrusts into me. His words to me simply spurned her on.
He shouted out terms of endearment to me…not her…to me. What the fuck was he talking about?
I wasn't his. I hadn't been his for years now.
He was hers. He belonged to her.
She was his.
I did not belong to him.
EPOV
I was dying. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop the rush of hurt and pain enveloping my heart.
She was inside of him.
She was taking him.
He allowed her to claim him.
They were destroying me. FUCK! I couldn't get my hands free. I had to stop this. TOO MUCH!
I couldn't stop watching. I didn't want to watch.
WHY?
WHY were they doing this to me?
How could he let her do this?
How could she do this to me?
Why would they push me this far?
I was barely able to hold on to my sanity.
My eyes were flooded with tears, I couldn't wipe them off as my fucking hands were bound and tied to this motherfucking headboard. WHY won't it break?
I dug my heels into the bed trying to get some traction to push my body up to force the headboard to give. But all I did was slide around on the bed covers. FUCK!
"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" I screamed over and over and over.
"Bella, if you love me you will stop right now. I mean it, stop, I've had enough." I yelled at her. She just turned her head towards me with a blank face, grabbed Jasper's hips harder and continued with her thrusts.
That was MY JASPER. His ass was mine. His cock was mine. His heart and body were mine. They always had been. Why had I never realized it? He lived in my heart. He always gave of his body and always seemed happy to take mine. I never realized that I staked a claim on it. I never realized that the thought of him with someone else bothered me….it was destroying me watching MY WIFE take MY JASPER.
"FUCK! LET ME FREE RIGHT NOW. LET ME FREE NOW, DAMMIT!" I screamed as my voice started to become hoarse.
I saw the tears that fell down Bella's face. Good. She needed to cry. She was killing me right now. I never before thought I'd enjoy her tears but she had to know what this did to me.
I saw the telltale flush of her breasts, that spread up to her neck then to her beautiful face, I knew she was on the verge of coming. Jasper's hand reached down to stroke his cock, no…no….no….I should be doing that, not him, I wanted to catch his release….he cum was mine. I heard her softly cry out when her orgasm hit her as she pushed flush into him, her hips up against his ass, as she completely submerged inside of him.
I stopped breathing as he cried out as his release shot out into his hand. He leaned forward on his forearms as she gently pulled out of him.
I yanked with all of my might as the headboard finally gave way and I was somewhat free from my current bonds while a whole new set formed as I realized I loved him. I had always loved him. I had been in love with him and I walked away from him and never told him I loved him.
"Jasper," I cried as I scurried across the bed, I fell to my knees as I wrapped my arms around him, I couldn't stop the tears that flowed at full force from my eyes. "Jasper, I love you, I've always loved you, I was in love with you."
He slowly rose up, I was in shock to feel him push me back away from him. I fell to my ass as he stood in front of me. I scrambled to my knees. I tried to lock my arms around his waist; I needed to feel his skin, to have it touch me again. I nuzzled my head into his hipbone, I cried over and over, "I'm sorry, Jasper, I'm so fucking sorry."
I felt him tense up, he spoke to me harshly and quietly, "Edward, get up. Stop this. It's over. It's done." He tried to unlock my arms from around him as he pushed me off him roughly.
"Jasper, I never knew, I never understood. I was in love with you. I was. I'm so sorry." I cried, I tried to hold him again only to be met with his arms that once again pushed me back.
"EDWARD, STOP!" He screamed at me. "Your wife is standing right there. RIGHT THERE, EDWARD. Your wife. Your motherfucking wife." He said angrily. He grabbed my chin to turn my head to force me to see Bella with her face in hands. The scene before me shook me to my core, she cried heavily into her hands. Her shoulders rose and fell with each of her sobs.
I was torn. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I had to hold Jasper. I had to let myself feel the love that I had for him when I touched him and had him touch me in return. I dropped to my knees, clenching and unclenching my fists. I didn't know what to do.
"Edward, I'm leaving. I did what I set out to do. My heart is free of you. I'm in love with Alice. Desperately in love with her." I felt my heart seize in jealousy. I felt my heart gripped with hurt. He was over me. He wasn't mine anymore. He never would be again.
"You need to talk to your wife, Edward. You love her. She loves you. You are insanely in love with each other." He said softly while he moved to offer comfort to Bella but she flinched away from him. She moved to the other side of the bed, to sit on the edge of the mattress.
"You're just going to leave, Jasper? You destroyed us, you forced me to realize that I was in love with you and you're just going to leave the mess for me to clean up?" I asked him exasperated.
"Yes, Edward. It's about time that you were responsible for something, it's about time you had to clean up your own mess."
With that said he walked to Bella, leaned down and whispered something in her ear before he turned to walk into the bathroom. He gathered his belongings and walked out of the bedroom. He closed the door behind him, the silence was deafening.
What the fuck was he talking about? What messes had I not cleaned up before?
I was very confused.
I was very hurt.
I was very angry. But who was I angry at? Bella? No, I was upset by what she did but I wasn't angry at her. Jasper? Again, I was pissed at what he'd allowed to happen but I wasn't angry at him.
Me. I was angry at me. I slowly sat down on my heels as the last three years of my life flashed like scrolls of a movie screen before my eyes…Bella…then Jasper…..then ….Alice?
"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" I cried out, as I put my face in my hands. Nothing I did could stop the fresh round of tears that escaped my wet eyes. "What have I done? How many lives have I destroyed?" I sobbed, unable to catch my breath. Panic rose up in my chest again, like a boulder was on top of me and I couldn't fill my lungs with enough air.
BPOV
What had I done? To see Edward as he sat on the floor in an almost catatonic state, not even able to recognize that I was six feet from him as he came completely undone.
He seemed lost to me….like I would never have him again.
He would never forgive me for what I'd done. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself. I had done this. I had pushed him away. I had forced him to see something within himself that he had chosen to never face.
Now, he knew he loved Jasper. Where did that leave me? I simply didn't know.
I watched as he sat, I watched as he cried, screamed out and clenched himself around the waist. He pounded the floor several times before broke and couldn't take it anymore. I walked to the bathroom, locked the door behind me and crawled into the shower to wash away the filth that now covered my body. My tears never ceased, my strength diminished, my will to carry on dissipated. I had no desire to watch him break down further and then realize that I was not the one he wants.
I straightened up, finished my shower, determined to get away from here as quickly as possible.
When I stepped out of the shower, I quickly dried off, found some clothes, threw my hair up and went out gathered my things in my bag. I found the number for cab in the phone book on the kitchen counter. When I called and asked for a cab, I begged for it to come right away. I had to get out of here and it had to be now.
I wasn't ready to face the end of my marriage. I wasn't ready to face Edward, for him to tell me that he no longer loved me, need me, wanted me….I fought the tears threatened to fall.
When I walked back into the bedroom, I noticed that he had at least gotten up off the floor as he now sat on the edge of the bed. He never looked up, he never even noticed that I'd come and gone from the room several times.
My bags were packed, they sat by the door. I had no choice but to wait for the cab to arrive and for me to walk out, I no longer knew my fate. I made my way to Edward one more time before I walked out for good.
EPOV
I sat there for an eternity before I heard Bella calling me, "Edward? Edward look at me." She commanded, she tried to pry my hands from my face. "EDWARD! .ME." She demanded now.
I lifted my tired eyes to see her beautiful face, empty of caring and kindness, devoid of emotion, wiped clean of love. "I'm leaving, too."
I looked at her. I mean really saw her. She was fully dressed, hair pulled into a bun, face pink from her own tears. "What?" I stumbled with the words, confusion probably written on my face. She's going to leave me as well?
"I'm leaving. I called a cab it's on the way here now. I'll go home to get my car. I'm going out of town for a while. You need to figure this shit out. I need to figure this shit out." She stopped, looked out the window behind me for a moment before she looked back to me. "I need to know that you love me and only me. Right now, I don't think you know who and what you want. We need some space to sort this out." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, "I need to know that you still want me to be your wife," she softly whispered as she closed her eyes and a lone tear trailed down her cheek.
"No, Bella." I pushed the words out in my almost non-existent voice. "No, don't leave. Please, you promised me you'd never leave me." I softly reminded her.
"Edward….you need to ….I can't….." she paused as a honk sounded out through the momentary silence.
"Don't call me, please. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk, okay?" She begged with her eyes for me to comply. I just nodded my head because I didn't know how to speak, how to stop the cracks that formed in my heart as I watched her walk out the door.
"I love you." She said so softly over her shoulder as she paused at the door, I wasn't sure she'd really said them.
Then she was gone.
Jasper was gone.
I was all alone; alone with nothing but memories, but misguided thoughts, but random glimpses of the past years of my life.
Had I always been just out of reach to all those that loved me?
JPOV
When I closed the Cottage door behind me, I knew that I would never again walk through the doors that I had just closed; both figuratively and literally. I had slammed shut the door on my heart that Edward had opened all those years ago and I had closed the door to the place that held so many years of anguish and despair while I fought the urge to hold on to him.
At no other point in my life had I felt more in charge. It's like I had awoke from a coma. The clouds were all gone. The sun shone brightly and my eyes were stung by the rays of light. My future was now wide open just like the road before me.
I couldn't wait to get to Alice. Alice. How was I going to explain all of this madness to her? How was I going to tell her that I was now free to love her, hold her, kiss her….make her mine. I couldn't help but to get lost in the daydream of our reunion and the happiness that floated around inside of my body.
The happiness was soon gone when Bella's face came to my mind. She was destroyed. She had been absolutely crushed by the weight of Edward's sudden awareness. I was torn between the fact that I wanted to comfort her and kick Edward's ass. When I went to her, I gently reminded her that this was for the best and that maybe she should leave too. I hoped that she listened.
I had never imagined that I could be so angry with him. But I had also never seen him in so much pain.
And now, it brings me little comfort to know that he was in fact in love with me…after I wasted three years of my life on him.
It wasn't going to be easy to fix this mess but I'm sure that in time, it'll all work itself out. I just hope that Alice can forgive me, after it's all said and done.
I let my mind wander to her beautiful face, her curvy little body and the sparkle of her deep blue eyes. I was one lucky son of a bitch to have her in my life and even luckier to know that she was in love with me.
If she still is.
Guilt and shame washed over me when I started to think back over the past six months and how we'd both quietly withdrawn from one another after her confession. Who's to say she hasn't forgotten about me and moved on? I picked up the phone to call Rosalie. I needed a little perspective.
The phone rang a few times before Rose finally answered, "Hi Jasper," she paused, "where have you been all weekend? Alice has driven me crazy wanting to know, as well."
I was a little thrown by this revelation. I did not expect Alice or Rosalie to notice that I was out of town. I didn't tell anyone of my plans or that I would be away, because, I wasn't really sure if Rosalie was ready to handle the truth and I didn't want Alice to know the truth just yet. When it was time to tell, I felt like Alice deserved the truth first, at least from me.
"I went to the Cottage." I finally answered her.
"Alone?" She asked inquisitively.
"No." It was all I could say. I did not want to tell Rose about what went down or how it all started, but I could tell she wasn't going to let it go, either.
"Jasper, did you know that Bella and Edward were out of town this weekend, too?" She said with a hint of knowledge in her voice.
I let out a long breath before I answered her, "Yes, I knew they were going out of town."
"I will let that go for now as I don't think that's what you called me for, but, you know that we'll discuss all of this soon, Jasper." Rosalie meant business in the tone of her voice.
"Fine Rose," I chuckled at her, "and no, that isn't why I called. I have something very important to discuss with you. I, of course, need your help." I couldn't hide the smile in my voice.
"Okay, Jasper, spill it, I can hear you're excited about something." She replied as the curiosity laced her voice.
"I'm in love with Alice. I'm head over heels in love with her. I'm on my way to tell her now." I replied. The ability to voice it out loud was extremely freeing.
"Wow, Jasper. That is so not what I expected to hear from you." She paused, sighed and said, "What about Edward, Jasper?"
I let out a long breath, as I searched for the right words to explain how I was finally free from the bonds of my love for Edward. "I'm over him, Rose. It's that plain and simple. I will always love and care about him, but I'm no longer in love with him. Alice is the only one in my heart now." I knew she would have a thousand questions about that statement but I hoped that she'd just let it go for now.
"It's that simple huh? Jasper, I love you and you know me well enough to know that I don't buy that statement. BUT, because I love you, for now, we'll stick to your Alice revelation. Just know I've waited for this day to come. It makes me very happy, especially since you know she's in love with you, too." I could hear Rosalie's smile through the phone.
"And that's where I need your help, Rose, how do I tell her? Do I just show up and surprise her? Do I call her call her first and ask her out on a date? What should I do?" I was anxious for her opinion and especially her advice. I wanted this to be perfect, I've screwed up so much in the past with Alice. I didn't want to do that again with something this important.
"Jasper, how do you envision that you will tell her?" She asked.
"Honestly, I just want to tell her. I just want to feel her wrapped in my arms, I want to feel her heart under my hand and I want her to know that I am hers. Forever, if she'll have me." It was as honest as I could respond. I just want to shout from the rooftops how I feel about her. I want her to smile that gorgeous smile at me. I want to feel her lips on mine. I want her to feel my love for her.
"So, just go with that Jasper. There's no need for all that fancy fanfare. Just be yourself." It was obvious that she felt the same joy for the two of us I could hear it in her voice.
"Thank you, Rose. I'm almost home, so I'll talk to you soon, okay?"
"Yes, Jasper, we need to have lunch in the next day or two. I expect answers." She firmly demanded.
"Sure thing Rose. I'll call ya soon." I said as I hung up the phone. My stomach was nervous, hell my entire body thrummed with it.
I wanted to make a few stops before I went to Alice, I couldn't wait.
BPOV
The force it took to get into that cab was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I held back my tears for as long as I could. When they came, it didn't feel like they would ever stop.
Once I got home, I quickly packed a few suitcases, called work to let them know that I wouldn't be at work for the next few weeks even though we were on fall break, and tried to decide who to call.
More than anything I wanted Edward. I wanted my husband. I wanted my lover. I wanted my best friend, but he didn't want me at the moment. He was in love with someone else. He wasn't sure if he even wanted me anymore.
I decided to call Rose. Someone needed to know where I was, at the very least, just in case. But then I started thinking that I didn't know what to tell her. Because I knew Rose like I do I knew she'd never just accept that I had left town. I furiously searched for something to tell her as I dialed her number.
"Bella, this is a surprise, I thought you and Edward were out of town." She said with a hint of anxiety in her voice.
"Um, Rose, I just wanted you to know that I'm heading to Portland for a few weeks." I prayed she wouldn't grill me too harsh.
"All by yourself Bella?" She asked curiously.
"Rose, I can't really explain everything right now. But yes, I'm going alone." I felt the tears prickle my eyes and willed them to stay within my eyelids.
"Bella, what the hell is going on? First Jasper calls me on top of the world, now you're ready to leave town alone. And just where the hell is Edward in all of this." Rose asked with the force of a raging mother bear.
"Oh Rose," I fought to hold the sobs back. "A lot has happened but I really think you need to talk to Edward for the answers."
"Bella, honey, are you driving? You're worrying me. Where are you going? Are you safe?" Rose was always the one that looked out for all of us, I felt guilty because I was about to drag her into this mess.
"Rose, I'm fine. A little emotional but I'm okay to drive. I'm going to my Gram's house to sort all this out for myself. I just wanted you to know where I was and I don't always get good cell reception out there. I'll try to keep in touch every couple of days, okay? But I really do not want to talk about it right now." I tried to reassure her and sound strong but I'm sure she could see right through my charade.
"Bella, I don't like the idea of you being there alone. How about I come see you in a few days? Maybe for an overnight visit, a girl's night, okay sweetie?" This is why I loved Rosalie she always knew how to make me feel comforted.
"Sure Rosalie, I'd like that."
"I'll call you tomorrow and we can set it up. I love you Bella, please be careful." I could feel the worry in her voice.
"I'll be fine and I love you to Rose. Bye for now." I quickly hung up for fear that I would break down and need to tell her everything.
I had to get a grip and get out of our house before Edward showed up and I lost my willpower.
Being in our home, where his smell was everywhere, memories of him everywhere. It was crushed my heart and weakened my will to leave. I knew that I had to leave. I knew that I needed the space from him to figure my own issues out, just as he needed to do the same for himself.
Everything I thought my life was, everything I thought my marriage was, everything I thought Edward was is now in doubt, may not have ever been real, and might never be again.
The thought ripped through my heart like a jagged knife tearing it into two.
I finished with my suitcases, packed a book bag full of my favorite books, loaded up my laptop, and a grabbed my favorite photo album. I put everything in my car and debated on whether or not to leave Edward a note. I wasn't sure if he would care or not where I was or when I'd be home but felt like I just couldn't leave without telling him something.
Edward,
I'm not sure if you'll even care but I'm going away for a while. I'm not exactly sure when I'll be back or if I even have a home to come back too. I'll be in contact with you in a few days. But I think its best that we spend some time apart and try to figure out where we both go from here.
I hope that you are okay.
Love, Bella
I let my fingers linger across the paper where I'd written his name. He was my entire world it hurt to breathe, because I knew he was out there in the world and not by my side. I knew that it was my fault that he might never be mine again.
I grabbed a bottle of water, took some aspirin for my headache and packed a few snacks. As I walked out into the garage and saw all of our camping gear stowed neatly in the corner, a fresh round of tears started. We were supposed to go camping with Rosalie and Emmett in a few weeks. Now, I wasn't sure if that would still happen or not.
Nothing in my life had meaning or felt balanced any longer. I felt like I was perched on the edge of a knife while I had to wait to find out if I would be sliced in two.
EPOV ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What the fuck just happened to my life?
I woke up this morning and felt suffocated by the love that surrounded me and now sit here unable to catch a breath as the two loves of my life have walked away from me.
The two loves of my life.
I loved Jasper. I had been so in love with him during the time we were together. Otherwise why would I have allowed myself to have a sexual relationship with him? I was a virgin when I met him. I wasn't a guy that easily gave it up, I believed it had to mean something more than just sex. Now, I looked back on my time with Jasper and I know that it had meant everything. Every memory I had of making love to him, the way he held me in his arms with such care and love, the unspoken minutes that past between us as we laid in bed at night…it was love that floated between us.
Now that I realize this, what does that mean? He's done with me. He's in love with Alice, and I'm in love with Bella.
My Bella.
My wife.
My life.
She's gone. I'm alone. We promised each other that we'd never leave one another, yet here we are.
Alone. Bella doesn't do alone well. Hell, I don't do alone well. And now I have to worry about her being alone who knows where. She is alone isn't she? I don't know where my wife is. That thought pulled the breath out of me. I didn't want Bella to be alone, I wanted her with me, where she belonged. Where I belonged was with her. We belonged to each other.
What the fuck has happened to my life? I put my head in hands as I sat on the edge of the mattress and let the tears fall. I've destroyed everyone around me. I've destroyed myself. I have no idea how to fix it.
I sat there for what felt like hours as I noticed it was starting to get dark outside. I decided to get up and start to get my things together so I could head home. Did I even still have a home? Would Bella expect me to leave? Would she be there?
I wanted to call her. I wanted, no I needed, to hear her voice. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed her number only to hear her voicemail answer. 'Hi, you've reached Bella Cullen, please leave me a message and I'll call you back when I can. Bye'. Hearing her voicemail message ripped a whole through my soul.
I choked up barely able to speak as I left my message. "Bella, I love you baby. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I don't know what's happening but I'm going to fix it, I hope you'll let me. Bye my love."
I'm sure she has cried her eyes out by this point. The thought of her being alone, of her being hurt; it felt like a thousand needles poked into my skin. The pain it caused was agonizing. I stood up and started to pace the room, I tugged at my hair. I had no idea what to do.
I've been so clueless and naïve for so long.
I had never wanted to ask the questions I should have demanded answers to from Jasper.
I had never wanted to face the harsh realities of the hurt I caused my loved ones.
I knew I could be selfish at times. I was an only child, a spoiled only child. I was used to being indulged.
I didn't like conflict. My parents never fought in front of me. I didn't like to hear people yell or scream at each other. I didn't like to be in uncomfortable situations. And when I had to be, I usually slinked back into myself, I always had very little to say or was involved as little as possible.
I had no problems when it came time to stand up for someone else I cared about but an argument, personal disagreements or confrontations where I had to question others or defend myself always made me uneasy.
When I think back on the night that I met Bella, I remembered how sick felt when I realized that Jasper had sat across the table from us all night. He had to watch the attraction blossom between us. I cannot even fathom the pain it caused him, now that I think about it I feel sick. I worry about how it looked to him.
Then that horrid mistake I made in the bathroom. That next day, after we met in the park, I went home and threw up thinking about how repulsive a thing that was for me to do to him. I used his body to quench the thirst building in my body. I used him to satisfy my desires that grew for Bella. That was not my finest hour, for sure.
I shoved the palms of my hands into my eyes, I wanted to push the memories away, to expunge them from mind. Just then I heard a car crunching on the gravel outside, I made my way to front door where I hoped to find that Bella had returned to me. Imagine my surprise when I saw Rosalie get out of her car with a look of sheer determination on her face.
I stood in the door way as she approached, he stopped, put her hands on her hips before she began to speak to me in the angriest tone I'd ever heard from her, "What the fuck did you do Edward?"
I let my chin fall to my chest, shame washed over me in an instant. She softly pulled my chin up, and forced me to look her in the eyes. "Come on, let's go talk." She pushed me back into the Cottage and made her way to the couch where she patted the seat next to her and expected me to join her.
I slowly made my way to her, in fear of what I was going to have to admit to her, how I was going to have to explain everything that had happened and the magnitude of the situation that I was now faced with. Somehow I didn't think this was going to be like my typical conversations with Rosalie.
JPOV
I stopped at my favorite floral shop and picked up a bouquet of Daisies for Alice. I requested that they be wrapped in bold yellow ribbon and placed in a black and white polka dotted vase. Those were Alice's favorite color combinations. I always tease her that it looks like a bumble bee threw up but she would laugh and just say that I don't know fashion. I laughed internally now thinking back on all the fun, silly squabbles that we got into.
My body bounced with anxiety and couldn't wait to get to her but I had a few more stops first. I wanted to get my guitar so I could play a song for her that I've had on my mind ever since she revealed her love to me. It was perfect to describe how I felt about her.
I never thought that I could feel this way about anyone other than Edward. But now that I look back on it, my love for him always felt predestined for heartbreak; whereas my love for Alice feels like it an endless night that I can't wait to begin to share with her.
I won't allow myself to regret my past though. What's done is done and there is no use trying to look back on what could have been. I was ready to just move forward and hopefully I would take those forward steps with Alice by my side.
I loved so much about her and couldn't wait to share my love with her.
After I left the floral shop, went to my apartment and showered, put on the shirt and jeans she always said looked so good on me, grabbed my guitar and set out to walk the few blocks to her condo I was full of nerves again.
What if she didn't want me? What if she had decided that I wasn't worth the trouble? What if her feelings had changed?
Stop it Jasper. You know that Alice loves you. You just have to show her that you love her, too. You have to show her that your heart is hers now, that you are free from the bonds that held you back before.
I made sure to stand a little taller, I know that I can show her my feelings. I just truly hope it isn't too late.
As I turned the corner and saw her front door I wanted to take off running to her but I didn't, I kept a steady pace as I tried to force my heart to stop its trying to escape from my chest. I could feel the smile spread across my face, I knew that she was mere steps away from me jus tbehind that bright red door.
As I stood there on her stoop I waged an internal battle as to whether I should knock or ring the doorbell. I even began to wonder if she was even home as the front door suddenly flew open and a very disheveled Alice standing before me. "Jasper, what? Um, what are you doing here?" she piqued, her eyes roamed my body before they settled on the daisies, then my guitar case and then they slowly rose to meet my eyes. It was then I noticed the wetness of her face, the fluid that still rested in her eyes and the redness of her eyelids. Had she been crying? I quickly made my way into the entryway and set my things on the table just inside the door.
Then I scooped her up in my arms as she threw her arms around my neck in a death grip and her legs came to wrap around my waist.
"Oh Alice, what's wrong baby? Why are you crying?" I held her tightly to me as I felt her warm tears on the side of my neck where her face was now buried. "Baby, you are scaring me, please, please tell me what's wrong?" I begged her while my mind was raced with the possibilities.
"Jasper, I've missed you so much and now you're here and I just….I just…" Her sobs took hold of her and she couldn't speak anymore.
"Shhh baby….shhhh it's okay, I'm here sweetness, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?" I tried to pull her face back a little so I could look into those deep blue orbs of hers. But she had a death grip around me and wouldn't let me pull her loose. I walked over to the couch to sit down and see if I could get her to look at me. I had to know what has her so distraught.
"Alice, baby, I'm here. I'm not about to leave ever again, now please, baby, please look at me and talk to me…." I pulled her to me as tightly as I could to try and reassure her that I meant every word I said. She sobbed a little less and I felt her loosen her grip slightly as she adjusted herself across my lap. When she finally pulled back a little and let me get a good look at her face I was wracked with guilt for her tears.
"Jasper, you're here? You're really, really here? I've missed you so much, Jasper. I'm so sorry I pushed you away…I just…I just …you're my best friend and I don't function without you." She rushed full of trepidation, she never once lifted her eyes to mine as her little hands fisted my shirt over and over.
"Alice" I said, as I lifted her chin and face towards my face so that she would be forced to look at me. "Alice, look at me, please?" She slowly lifted her face to me with her eyes closed until she slowly cracked them open and I could straight through to her soul.
My breath hitched as I saw the sun shining in her eyes, I saw my life lived within the confines of her heart and the power of her devotion soar in the blue grey specks that floated there. "Alice, I'm free, baby, I'm free and my heart is so full of love for you I'm about to burst." I said softly as I lifted her hand to place it over my heart so that she could feel that it was about to pound out of my chest.
She stared at me, a blank expression on her face, her mouth opened and closed before she pressed her hand harder into the beating of my heart. "You….you love me, Jasper?" She blinked a few times and I reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes with my fingers, softly held her face in my hands while I nodded my head.
"Yes, Alice, I'm so in love with you." I whispered out when I really wanted to shout it.
She started to shake her head as she quickly scrambled off my lap while she paced in front of me. This afforded me the opportunity to get a good look at her. She wore one of my t-shirts that hung to her knees her hair was a mess and she had on the cutest little monkey socks that I remembered buying her on our trip to Disneyland. She was a hot mess but she was my hot mess, I thought to myself as a little laugh escaped my lips.
She stopped and stared at me with her a hand on her hip and her head cocked to the side, "What are you laughing at?" She asked with a serious look of confusion on her face.
"You my beautiful Angel, that's what I'm laughing at. You're positively the most delectable creature I have ever laid eyes on." I crawled off the couch onto my hands and knees, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tight against me. "Alice, I love you. Please say that you love me too." I pleaded as I looked up at her, anxiously I waited for her to hand me my fate.
She slowly lowered a hand to my cheek while the other moved the hair from my eyes before she spoke in a voice so tiny I almost thought I dreamt it, "I am so in love with you Jasper Whitlock. I can't breathe without you. I've been so scared that you would never come back to me." She confessed to me as fresh tears made their appearance in her eyes.
I nuzzled my face into her stomach as I felt a tear trickle down my face. I felt at home, I knew that I was in the arms of my love.
BPOV
As I pulled my car out of the garage and watched the garage door shut I had to fight to breathe. This was my home, this was Edward's home….this was our house. We had worked so hard to make it just like we wanted it. It was our haven, our shelter, our escape from the world where we could spend hours or even days lost in each other. We were so proud of this house when his parents gave it to us as a wedding present.
We spent hours going through paint colors, furniture, countertops, every single nook and cranny in that house had our handprints on it…not mine, not his but ours. We did all of it together. We did everything together.
Maybe that's why I felt so completely torn in half and had felt that way since I walked out of the Cottage.
My other half was missing and I didn't know if he was ever going to come back. What the hell was I going to do?
Before I met Edward, I had barely existed.
That's how my whole life had been. I was an only child, born to a set of eighteen year old parents who didn't love each other much less like each other and neither of them were too keen on having a child. Until I was almost five years old my mother and I had lived with my Gram in Portland. Renee, my mother, and Charlie, my dad, had met at a party in Seattle and had a summer fling. In late August my mom discovered she was pregnant, Charlie fled back to Forks, Washington and made himself scarce.
Renee tried to raise me but she really couldn't be bothered with a baby and my Gram was my caregiver. Right before I was to start school Renee decided we needed to move back to Seattle so she could be with her new boyfriend, Phil. I missed my Gram but she and Renee had a fight about the fact that she wanted to take me with her to Seattle. We didn't see Gram that much anymore after that so when Renee needed a break, she sent me to Forks to stay with Charlie.
Charlie worked as a Police Officer and had a new wife and two step-children; he didn't really enjoy having me around as a reminder of his misguided youth. My stepsiblings didn't really like me around much either. I was quiet and mousy and preferred to be locked in a room with a good book rather than swimming on the beach or playing with the kids on the reservation with them.
Renee and Phil moved to Florida when I was eleven about the same time that Charlie and his wife had a baby and literally had no room for me in their lives or their house. I was allowed to go back to Portland and live with my Gram. It was truly the only place that I felt at home.
Gram died shortly after I graduated from High School and left me her house. Renee only showed up long enough to find out that there was very little inheritance and it all went to me, to include the house.
I struggled to maintain the house during my first two years of College but I was bound and determined to keep up with it. It was the only real home I'd ever had and I couldn't let it go. Once Edward and I were officially together, he helped me work on it and get it fixed up. It was like a little retreat for us when we wanted to get out of the city and it gave me peace of mind that I had a safe haven of my own to turn to.
It was never my intent to use it as a safety net but that's exactly what it was to me right now.
I hadn't talked to either of my parents since before my wedding. Edward and I flew out to Florida before we got engaged and had a great time no thanks to Renee. Phil was nice enough but Renee was a piece of work, she pretty much told everyone that I was her little sister. She refused to acknowledge that she was old enough to be my mother. When she didn't show up for the wedding or my college graduation, it sealed her fate completely for me. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, at this point.
Charlie on the other hand, his wife Sue has worked really hard to try and bring the two of us closer but I just feel it's too little too late. I think she regrets that she did not encourage him to interact with me more when I was younger, especially now that her two kids are losers. Nessie is the only one out of that family that I really have a relationship with. She's my little sister and I adore her. Thanks to Sue, I've been able to establish and maintain a relationship with Nessie. She even came and stayed with Edward and me for a week last summer.
She adores Edward and follows him around like a lost puppy. He ate that shit right up too. They got to be very close and I loved that she has him in her life.
Now, what if I've destroyed that?
Stupid, stupid Bella, somehow always messed up everyone's lives; it's not bad enough that I screwed up my own life by being born but now I've gone and screwed up the lives of my husband, my friends and my baby sister.
It's no wonder I've lost Edward. Who could ever love me?
EPOV
"I'm not going to bite, Edward. Have a seat." Rose smiled at me, her eyes softened a bit.
I walked around and sat down as I made sure to keep room between us. I decided to bite first.
"Rose, I fucked it all up." I said as I let my head fall to the back of the couch. I couldn't help the wetness that clouded my eyes as it made its threat to spill over.
"Tell me Edward, how and why you have fucked it all up." Rosalie calmly asked.
"I don't even know where to start." I resigned, as I took a deep breath. I figured now was as good a time as any so I sat up and turned to face her. I thought to myself there's no better way to do this than to just face her head on.
"At the beginning, Edward, just start at the beginning." Rose said while she reached across and held my hand.
"A few weeks ago Jasper approached Bella and me at Melt. We went for coffee where he proceeded to tell us that he was still in love with me, that he had never stopped loving me and that he wanted to have sex with me to get over our relationship because he is now in love with Alice." I hastily told her. "Of course Bella and I had to talk about all of this and think it over. In the end we decided to go through with it. Bella and Jasper became very close during the whole set up, I think their friendship is even tighter than even Jasper and I used to have." I softly chuckled as I remembered the happiness it brought me to see them bond before I had the opportunity to see the images of Bella taking Jasper that always halted in my mind.
"Fuck!" I screamed as I stood up from the couch and paced around the coffee table. "I don't know how everything got so screwed up, but of course, it did and it's entirely my fault." I tugged on my hair as I tried to recall exactly what precipitated this downfall. Had I acted unsavory? Had I given them a reason to gang up on me like they had?
"I don't know Ro, I really don't but somehow I wound up tied to a bed where I confessed my love to Jasper while Bella sobbed in the background and the next thing I know they're both gone and here you are." I waved my hands around and my voice sounded frantic as I spoke. It was like verbal diarrhea the way that words spewed from my mouth.
"Edward, what do you mean you were tied to a bed and confessed that you loved Jasper? Are you in love with Jasper?" Rosalie asked as she threw her hands up with a look of fire and damnation on her face. "I mean really Edward? You've been in love with Bella from the moment you laid eyes on her and now all of the sudden you're in love with Jasper?"
She was pissed. Rosalie was always fiercely protective of her family and friends and she adores Bella. I can't imagine that she hasn't already spoken to Bella.
"Ro, no, I'm not in love with Jasper. I love Bella. She is my life. They forced me to realize that I was in love with Jasper three years ago. I dropped down onto the couch in frustration. That I've always loved him and when it hit me, I had a bit of a break down. Bella was caught in the crossfire." My head fell down in my hands and I wanted to sob again. I glanced up at Rose as I continued to speak. "Ro, it was like I had tunnel vision, I didn't see her, and I was only seeing Jasper in that moment. FUCK, she's gone….she left and she probably thinks that I don't love her anymore and that I don't want her anymore. I just don't know how to fix it." I let the tears spill forth as I rubbed my hand over my chest where my broken heart resided. The pain in my chest was brutally painful, like my heart was being crushed in a vice-grip.
I cried for Bella. I could only imagine the hurt and devastation that she had felt since she heard me scream my feelings for Jasper aloud.
How am I supposed to fix this? I voiced these feelings to her, "Rose, I don't know how to fix this." I felt her as she sat down on the couch next me, her small hand dropped to my knee before she said, "Edward, for once in your life, this isn't about you. This is about the people you love and care about and you have to put your hurt and wants aside. You have to do what is best for them." Rose softly demanded. When I didn't answer or acknowledge her, she pulled my head out of my hands, grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. Her eyes were soft but full of anger.
"Edward, I love you, you know that." I nodded at her because I just didn't trust my voice to deliver my answer. "But you don't pay attention to the world around you, you live in your own version of tunnel-vision, you always have." Her eyes searched mine, for anger or defiance at her statement. However, I would show her none. I had none, the only anger I felt was for myself. When I didn't recognize her statement, she continued. "Let's start with Alice, if you want to start at the real beginning, okay." Rose held my eyes, a clear look of steel shining in her eyes.
"Alice?" I questioned.
"Yes, Edward. Alice. She was crazy in love with you and you turned your back on her for Tanya. That skanky bitch Tanya drove your best friend away and you acted as if you could have cared less. She just up and left town and you barely batted an eyelash." I blinked my eyes several times, I was confused as a newborn baby.
I was blindsided by this information. Rose gave no pause, she continued without pause. "Sure, you questioned me about it but then you acted as if you had forgotten all about her. She was my best friend, too and you never tried to comfort me. I lost her too Edward and you didn't give a shit about me or my loss." I saw a tear form in Rosalie's eye and felt the guilt set into my bones.
I knew I was a total shit to Alice about the whole Tanya ordeal. Alice and I had been best friends since we came out of the womb, I never really considered that she might like me as anything more than a friend until that day she came to see me. When she started crying and told me about what had happened with Tanya, I didn't want to hear it. Tanya gave good head and I was horny that day, I remember being annoyed with Alice.
Tanya had teased me all damn day and I looked forward to what she would do when she showed up before my parents got home. I didn't want Alice and Tanya in a fight because then I'd have to sit around and console Tanya instead of her lips wrapped around my dick as she sucked me off.
Yeah, I truly was a selfish bastard.
"Rose, why didn't you tell me about this back then?" I questioned her, a bit angry at the fact that she hadn't told me.
"Edward, it wasn't my place to tell you. You know that's not how I operate. I keep secrets, I don't share them. Besides, what good would it have done? Tanya kept you so wound up back then you didn't know whether you were coming or going." Rosalie shrugged her shoulders at me as I started to pace again. She had a point, I was wrapped tightly around Tanya's finger back then.
"So what does this have to do with our situation now? I'm not in love with Alice, Jasper is. I can't change something that happened over five years ago." I all but screamed at her. I was frustrated, I was confused and I wasn't seeing how all of this could help me fix my current problems.
"Edward you don't see it yet, you're still worried about yourself. Stop for a minute and think about how what I just told you is relevant to the current situation that includes Alice." Rose barked at me as she threw her hands up in the air. "I'm going to get something to drink, do you want anything?" She asked as I shook my head at her, my brain already deep in thought as to how Alice back then could be involved to my situation now.
As I paced, it dawned on me that Alice might have still had feelings for me when I met Bella. Damn, that's why she stopped being friends with Bella. Fuck. Another thing to feel guilty about as Bella had been heartbroken when Alice abandoned her.
I vaguely recall what a bitch I thought Alice was being that night at the restaurant.
Shortly after Jasper and I split Alice became friends with him. How did that happen? Were Jasper and Alice huddled up together as they commiserated with one another. Double fuck, I can only imagine the bitch fest that they had about me and my selfishness. But Jasper had assured me that he hadn't told Alice about us. So why were they friends?
Rosalie. She would have pushed them together. That's how she is, how she orchestrates things. She would have known both of their heartbreak and pulled them together to keep them in the dark about the other.
"Ro, does Alice know about Jasper and I?" I bluntly asked as she walked back into the living room.
She gave me a knowing smirk as she got comfy on the couch before she replied, "Not unless he's told her in the last three hours."
"Wow, he really didn't tell her." I looked to Rose as she nodded her head giving me confirmation.
"Does she love Jasper?" I silently begged for this to be the case. "Ro, she deserves to be happy and I know Jasper, he'll make her very happy. Because Lord knows he deserves some happiness after all that I've put him through." I cringed as I thought of how hard these past few years must have been on him as he watched me as I got everything I ever wanted out of life.
The whole time he silently suffered while reveled in my happiness, I mean I had a great job, a new house and Bella. All the while he carried a broken heart full of unrequited love for me even though he had Alice by his side. I felt sick.
"Edward, she's been in love with him for the past year. He was too clouded with his love for you to notice and until he figured out how to get you out of his system, he wasn't ever going to be able to see her clearly." Rose stated rather matter of fact.
"So Alice doesn't know that Jasper's in love with her?" I questioned.
A big toothy grin lit up Rosalie's face as she looked at me, "Oh, I'm sure that she knows his feelings now and I hope they can work through all this garbage and figure out what I've known all along."
"What have you known all along, Ro?" She always did this shit, she was truly a keeper of secrets and once something went into that vault of hers, it didn't come out easily.
"That they are made for each other. But they had to see it for themselves. I couldn't just tell them. Besides, they were both still so hung up on you that their heartache is what bonded them, even though they didn't realize it. So, in a way, you are responsible for them both being together now." She replied as she gave me a smug smile.
"Wow." I stood up and resumed my path across the floor. I tried, to figure out what my next step should be.
"Where does that leave me?" I asked quietly.
"I think you need to start with an apology to Alice. bI think that you and Jasper need to sit down and explain a few matters to her. She needs to hear it from the two of you, together." I closed my eyes and tried to picture Jasper and I as we attempted to explain this to Alice.
"She's going to hate me for what I did to him, if she doesn't already hate me for what I've done to her." I admitted.
"Edward, I don't think you're a factor for her anymore. She's been over you for quite some time. Alice was ready to move on, she's worked on repairing her relationship with Bella, which hasn't been easy. She loves Bella and misses her friendship, too. You on the other hand will face her wrath for what you've put Jasper through, of that I'm pretty certain." She laughed at me while she shook her head in mirth at me.
"How do we set this up Ro, I haven't talked to Alice in over a year. I can't just waltz back into her life now." I was actually a little scared of the thought that I had to approach Alice, to be honest. I had a long way to go in my atonement but I knew I had to start here, as it was truly the beginning of all of the fucked-up-ness that was my life, like Rosalie stated.
"I'll set it up. But I really think that you and Jasper need to sit down and talk first. I'm going to set up dinner for Jasper and I tomorrow night, and you will conveniently show up." This brought on a fresh wave of nausea, the thought of having to sit down with Jasper. He was NOT happy with me when he left here this morning.
God it hadn't even been a full day yet it felt like a year had already passed.
Then I remembered that if Jasper was with Alice and Rosalie was with me then my Bella was all alone. I couldn't stop the tears as they fell from in my eyes. Only Bella could cause this type of reaction immediately like this. "Rosalie, please tell me you know that Bella is safe." I begged her with my eyes to tell me what she knew.
"She was a little scattered when I talked to her, but I will make sure that she stays safe, Edward. Emmett was on his way to keep an eye on her, actually. He loves playing secret agent, he's such a big kid and he loved the thought that he gets to tail her without her knowledge. But, yes, Edward, she is as safe as she can be without you to protect her." She softened a bit in her position, seemingly relieved to have finally told me about Bella.
"Thank you, Rosalie, you always take such good care of us. I can't tell you how happy I am that she is safe, especially because I can't be there to protect her. Did she go to Grams?" I asked trying to seem sly.
"Edward, if and when she wants you to know where she is, she will tell you. So please, give her some space and time to deal with everything that has happened." She sighed and scooted closer to me as she put her arm around me. She pulled me to her she said gently, "I know that you love her but Bella needs to figure out some of her own issues, Edward. The two of you are extremely co-dependent. In a way, this is a good thing for both of you. It gives you both some time to figure things out that neither of you could have done so wrapped up in each other."
"I love her so much Ro, I can't lose her…it would destroy me." I broke down again I couldn't even imagein my life without her in it. I hugged Rosalie tight to me and just let the pain wash over me.
As she patted my back, trying to soothe me she whispered, "I know Edward, I know you love her. We'll figure this all out, sweetie."
We sat there for a good long while as I cried before Rose finally told me it was time to pack up and head home. "You can stay with me tonight since Emmett is on the road with your wife," she nudged my shoulder, "We'll have our own little triangle going on before too long." She chuckled out. I knew she wanted to make me laugh but it fell flat, I just couldn't laugh right now.
I got up and checked the Cottage one last time to make sure that we hadn't left anything behind, physically. Emotionally was a whole different story.
Later as I drove away I knew that I had left so much within those walls. So many parts of me, parts that will forever hold love, lust and regret. But I knew that I had to make amends to my friends and above all else remind my wife that she is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to my life.
As the sun set on the horizon and the darkness took over I only hoped that I could become the man truly worthy of her love once again.
BPOV
Just before I got to the edge of town I decided to pull into a convenience store to grab a few things including a pack of smokes. I hadn't smoked in ages but today felt like a good time to start again.
After I got my items and was about to get into my car I thought that I saw Emmett walking around the parking lot talking on his cell phone. I quickly jumped into my car and took off, I hoped he hadn't seen me. I quickly got back on the road, cranked up the radio, lit a cigarette and set the cruise control. The sun had already started to set and I wanted to try and make it to Grams before it got too dark. The house was pretty well isolated and I didn't like being out in the dark once I got there.
I cracked the window and flicked my smoke as Pink's 'So What' came on the radio. I blasted that song and sang as loud as I could to the words. How appropriate, she lost her husband, too, I thought to myself.
I laughed aloud at the irony of it all. I took another drag of my smoke. As the nicotine settle in my lungs, I felt free and strangely in control. My brain spun in a thousand different directions but mainly it wanted to know, what the fuck had I been doing to end up in this situation where I was once again pushed out of the way?
Maybe it was me, not them. I mean this seems to be a pattern or something.
I stopped that thought as it formed in my head.
I WAS worth something.
I MATTERED to someone.
I had a group of friends. I had a decent job. I was about to graduate with a Master's degree. I made something of my life and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life.
So if that wasn't enough for Edward then fuck him.
Fuck Jasper too, for that matter.
Both of them had played me. I felt so stupid, like I had gone into this as a naïve little girl and now I was a grown ass woman. Well, they can both kiss my ass. I didn't need them.
Did I? I immediately questioned.
Fuck.
Yes, I needed them both. As I took another drag of my cigarette I pondered why I needed Jasper. I mean, I've resented him for so long. It was never his fault. He was just a pawn in the game, just like I was. Over the short time that we had been in contact again, Jasper had become the older brother I'd always wanted. I grew to love him in a short time and I knew that he and I would be friends forever.
Edward had played us all.
Fuck. Edward was so …he was sooo….selfish. I'd never really thought that about him before. But now that I look back over this whole situation I realized that this all came about because he was selfish.
He had amazing sex with me anytime, pretty much anywhere he wanted. His cock's calls never went unanswered or unsatisfied. My body was his to do with as he pleased, and he did it often and however he wanted.
I finished my cigarette while I thought back over how my relationship with Edward had always been so easy.
It was like breathing, it just happened. While I never felt like I had missed out on anything, I realize now that I allowed Edward to dictate what our needs and wants were and how they should be met. I never really told him no, at that time there wasn't much that he'd brought up that I hadn't wanted for us, too.
But now I realize that there were times when I had wanted to say no but felt as though Edward knew what he was doing and I should just go along with it. One instance came to mind, babies. I wasn't ready to have a baby yet, I wasn't finished with school yet and I wanted to have a career at least started before I tried to have a baby. But Edward had already begun to suggest that we start to try for one.
Edward and I don't fight much, but this topic had become a sore spot for us both. I couldn't really talk to Rosalie about it as I knew that she and Emmett had been trying for a while but nothing had happened yet. I didn't want to make it seem that I was throwing this in her face. I also didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to Alice about it, either. While we had both taken steps to work on repairing our friendship, still, I felt like any subject that had to do with Edward was off limits. Therefore, Esme was really the only one I had talked to about this issue. She told me that I had to share this with Edward and tell him my feelings. He never really seemed to listen or even want to listen.
I lit another cigarette, cranked up some Katy Perry and tried to forget that I was alone and I didn't know where my husband was. I was so angry with him. I didn't want to worry about him. I didn't want to think about him as he cried when I walked out the door. I hadn't turned my phone on since I left the house, I wonder if he's even called to check on me. I didn't want to know. If he had called, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he had to say. And if hadn't called…. well… I really didn't want to think about that scenario.
I popped the cap on my can of Mountain Dew, took a drag off my smoke and jammed out to music, my only goal right now was to drown the noise in my head.
JPOV
I woke up with a smile on my face because Alice was still in my arms. She lay on top of me as we were stretched out on her couch. Our intentions were to just lay there and talk. We did for a long time but after a while exhaustion took over and we both fell asleep. I can't lie, I felt serenity that I hadn't before when I had her wrapped up in my arms. I pulled her just a little tighter to me. I breathed her in and kissed her forehead. I still had so much to tell her but I had wanted tonight to be about happiness and just about us.
As I lay there and watched her sleep I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I attempted to pull it out without disturbing Alice I knew it had to be either Rose or Edward. I was hoped for Rosalie.
I couldn't help the smile that passed across my face as I answered the phone, "Hey Rose."
"Hi Jasper, sorry to bother you but we need to make plans for dinner tomorrow night. There is a lot we need to discuss." Nothing but business resided in her tone of voice.
"Um, yea, sure. What did you have in mind?" I tried to answer as casually and quietly as possible.
"My place, seven o'clock but don't bring Alice. I know it'll be hard Jasper, but you and I need to talk before we bring her into this mess, agreed?" Again, there was nothing but seriousness in her tone.
I tried not to let my nerves take over while I sat up a smidge and said, "Yes, Rosalie, I agree. I'll be there, don't worry." I paused for a minute before adding, "Have you talked to Bella or Edward?"
She let out a long sigh before she spoke, "Yes, Jasper, I've taken care of them both." She paused then softened her voice as she asked, "How is Alice? Did you tell her?"
"She's perfect, Rose, yes, I told her. But she's asleep so I'm gonna let you go for now. I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?" I felt Alice start to stir so I rubbed her back in soothing circles.
"Okay, Jas, see you tomorrow. Love you."
"Love you too, bye now." I said before I snapped the phone shut. I couldn't help myself my only thought was to get her closer tome so I dropped it to floor and pulled Alice tighter against me. I loved the feel of her little body smushed up against mine. She made me feel like a giant, in more ways than one, and I was glad that I felt like I could protect her.
When I saw her cry, heard the trepidation in her voice, it ripped my heart apart…only to be re-sewn when she confessed her love for me again.
Suddenly her head popped up and her sleepy beaming blue eyes blinked repeatedly. She looked up at me.
I couldn't stop the smile that formed before I replied, "Yes, baby, I really am here." I leaned down and kissed her forehead as a smile crept across her face.
"Mmmmm, I was having the most delicious dream that you were here and I opened my eyes and here you are," Joy radiated.
We sat in silence for a few minutes before she pulled up to sit on my thighs, "Jasper, where have you been? How did all this happen?" She asked as she gestured between the two of us.
I let out a long breath and knew that it was time to come clean with Alice. "There is a lot to tell you Alice and I want to tell you everything but right now, I'm not even sure where I should start, as some of the story would really be better told by someone else." I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the range of emotions that I knew would fly across her face.
"Jasper, why would someone else need to tell me your story? We've been best friends for almost three years and you've already shared so much with me. Why can't YOU just tell me?" I could hear the frustration in her voice already as she tensed up and moved off my legs.
"Alice, it's not that I don't want to tell you but this story involves someone from your past and it's up to them to explain a few things to you. I will answer all the questions I can without giving you detailed specifics until this person has had a chance to settle things with you first." I felt like shit for the half-assed explanation.
"Jasper, I just want the truth. I've never felt like you were lying to me or that I couldn't trust you. So I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt on this please don't let it come back to bite me in the ass."
"Alice, I love you. I don't ever want to hurt you or see the pain in your eyes like I did when I walked in here earlier." I grabbed her face and leaned my forehead to hers. "I will tell you everything and I'll answer all of your questions truthfully and honestly, but I need a little time."
Alice sighed, pulled back from me and gave me a stern look before she said, "I'll give you a little time but don't keep me waiting to long." She sat back on the end of the couch, pulled her hands around her waist and avoided my eyes.
I sat all the way up, ran my hand through my hair and scooted towards her. "Alice, look at me," I tugged her chin up as her eyes slowly pull up to me. "I want you to know that I am yours, only yours and I WILL tell you everything. Do you want to talk now?"
Alice nodded her head, crawled into my lap, she put her hands around my neck, and leaned down to place a soft kiss to my lips. I smiled into the kiss and she pulled back giggling. "You are mine?" she asked curiously. "I mean, you show up here after months of being away from me, leaving me thinking that I'd lost you forever….I'm just a little overwhelmed."
I gripped her hips, and shifted her slightly closer to me. This closer drove my cock crazy but I wanted her this close. I needed to feel her body this close. "Baby, you never lost me, I just had to close some doors and I felt like I needed to pull back from you and sort out my head. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I will spend the rest of my days trying to make up for the hurt I've caused you." I told her with the deepest amount of sincerity.
I immediately saw the tears that formed in Alice's eyes and pulled her face to mine as my hands splayed on both her cheeks. "Don't cry again, baby. Your tears are like knives stabbing my heart because I know that I put them there. I never want to be the cause of your pain again. Please, Alice, tell me what I can do to make this better for you and help you understand?" I closed my eyes and breathed in her scent. I relished her for all the large and small ways she completed me.
"Open up to me and tell me about your past. I want to know your heart. I mean you already knew who I had to get over and what I had to put behind me before I realized it was you that I loved. I want to believe that you are over your ex, but I've seen the hurt you've carried for the past three years….its just…." She paused and whispered, "its hard to believe that you aren't carrying that hurt anymore." Her honesty astounded me and I understood what she felt. It even seemed odd to me that Edward no longer held my heart. I had to find a way to assure her that I was over him, for good this time.
I ran my hands up and around her neck. My fingers rubbed soothing lines, as my eyes made their way up to her eyes. It was mostly a stall tactic, as I stared up in into her eyes wondered.
Fuck Jasper, just suck it up and spill your heart to her, make her understand.
I dug deep and began to explain because she was my whole world and I wouldn't let a few years of what I thought was love stop the real thing I had in front of me now. "Okay, Alice….here's as much of the truth as I can tell you. I met someone in the beginning of my Sophomore year at UW. I instantly fell in love with them. We had a brief relationship, I always knew that their heart wasn't mine to keep. That didn't stop me from falling fast and deep. Then, just like that, it was over." I breathed deeply.
"They were gone." I shrugged and felt the finality of it all again but for some reason while I held Alice close to me, it seemed like the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. So I continued with less anger or pain in my voice as I told the next part.
"Instantly into the arms of another. They left me with a shattered heart. I feel like I've wandered through the broken pieces of my heart for the past few years….I never allowed myself to move forward,I never allowed myself to feel anything but the hurt and rejection. I was completely closed off from the world." I stopped, closed my eyes, just allowed myself to breathe her in, her scent, her tension, hearing her heartbeat…it filled my senses and brought me back to the present.
I opened my eyes and looked directly into her. I needed her to see that I meant the words that I spoke. "That was before you woke me from that long, deep slumber."
"That was before you showed me how to live again."
"Before you forced me to realize what I'd known all along."
"I'd fallen in love with you I just didn't have my heart open to notice that you were right in front me." Each sentence was punctuated with a slight squeeze to her hips, it was partly because I was nervous to air my past but the other part was because I just had to touch her. I needed her that much.
EPOV
While I drove back towards Seattle, alone, I had too much time to think.
Too much time to reassess everything that had happened.
Too much time to crave Bella and worry about her.
Too much time to think about Jasper and how I needed to sit down and talk to him.
Fuck! I screamed but and no one heard my frustration.
No one heard me because I had screwed up my life and I was alone.
I've always strived to be a good person, but somehow, right now, I felt like the biggest dick there ever was.
As I started to get closer to our house, I felt sick to my stomach. Would she be there? Would she talk to me?
I'm dying to see her, to touch her and talk to her. I felt like I couldn't breathe without her.
I turned onto our street, our house was just as we'd left it. That was until I opened the garage and saw her car gone. My heart dropped out of my chest.
She's gone. She isn't here.
I pulled in, turned off the car and gathered my stuff, closed the garage and prepared to go inside. I knew she wasn't there but it I still dreaded walking through that door. This house was our sanctuary.
OURS.
Mine and Bella's.
I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my weary eyes. I walked through the door from the garage in to the living room. The first thing I noticed was our Wedding picture that sat on the mantle. I walked over and picked it up, my fingers lingered over Bella's face. We both loved this picture. We were outside in the garden, during the reception at my parent's house, after the wedding….the photographer caught us having a moment.
Every time I look at this picture, I go straight back to that feeling I had that's now frozen in time.
My heart felt like it was ready to shatter into a million pieces as a tear drop fell from my face and hit the glass of the frame. "Oh Bella, what have I done to us?" I asked out loud to no one.
I decided to take the picture with me, it made me feel a little closer to Bella. As I walked toward the hall to grab some clothes I noticed a note on the bar. Bella's messy handwriting was even more of mess. I fell to the floor on my knees after reading what Bella wrote.
She thinks that I don't want her? That I don't love her anymore?
A loud sob escaped my mouth at the same time that my phone beeped.
"Bella." I screamed. I hoped with every ounce in me that it was her.
Scrambling to pull my phone from my pocket I didn't even check caller id before I answered, "Baby I love you."
"Edward, it's Rose. Get your ass over here. NOW. Get your stuff and get out of that house. Do you hear me? Do not make me come get you." Fuck it all to hell, it wasn't my wife. She doesn't think I want her, why would she be calling me.
"Sure, Rosalie." I said as my voice grappled to sound coherent.
"Good. I expect you here in fifteen minutes. I ordered food. Don't make me wait." She barked out at me challenging me to be defiant.
"See ya in a bit." I said as I hung up the phone and got up to get my bag together. As I walked into our bedroom Bella's scent was everywhere. I walked to our bed and grabbed her pillow, it found its way to my nose so I could inhale her fragrance.
"God, I miss you, baby. I'll do whatever it takes to bring you home." I vowed to her. I know she couldn't hear me but I meant it, still.
BPOV
I pulled into the driveway just before the last of the sun dipped below the horizon. I had a few minutes to gather my stuff and get inside before darkness surrounded me. I had smoked half a pack and finished off two Mountain Dews so I knew I'd be wired for a while. I grabbed my bags and found the spare keys in my glove compartment, got out and quickly locked up my car. When I opened the front door to the house I still half expected to hear Gram calling out from the kitchen that she was in there. I missed her so much and never more so than right now.
I missed my husband. The tears were hard to fight back as I went around the house pulling coverlets off furniture and cracking a few windows to air out the place. Esme had helped me find a cleaning service that came once a month to keep up with the house but that didn't stop the musky smell of stillness in the air. My stomach made a loud protest about the lack of real food that I had forgotten to provide throughout this shitty day.I realized that we hadn't stocked the pantry before we left here last time so I decided to order a pizza for dinner.
I turned on my phone and was instantly hit with the numerous beeps from the missed calls and texts. I had a text from Rosalie and another from Jasper, both only wanted to check in with me. I decided to text them back later, I didn't want to bother with it right now. I had a missed call from Edward and apparently he had left a voicemail. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it yet, so I just looked up the pizza place phone number and ordered my dinner.
I took my bags upstairs and unpacked my things, changed my clothes and grabbed my bag with my laptop, books and picture albums. I don't know why I felt like I needed to bring them with me as there were pictures of Edward and I all over this house. My only excuse was that they brought me some sense of security.
These pictures were our life together. Vacation pictures, momentous occasion pictures, goofball pictures…..memories captured on film that reminded me that Edward had loved me once upon a time. I settled on the couch, grabbed a smoke, a glass of wine and flipped through page after page. Some of them brought on a fresh round of tears. Some of them made me laugh out loud. All of them brought me yearning and heartache.
I picked up my cell phone to listen to my voicemail. I hoped it was Edward's voice to soothe my ache. After I heard his message and the distress in his voice, I couldn't stop the tears. Snot ran from my nose, sobs loudly escaped my mouth, my eyes so full of wetness that I couldn't see to get the door when I heard the knock.
I grabbed my wallet and went to greet the pizza guy. I hoped that I wiped all of my snot off my nose with my sleeve at the same time I attempted to dry my eyes with the other hand. But when I pulled back the door the last person I expected to see stood there and I gasped in surprise.
EPOV
As I drove to Rose and Emmett's house I tried to calm my nerves. I didn't want to panic over the fact that I still hadn't heard from Bella. It killed me a little more inside as each hour came and went and I didn't know where she was. I was going to try and get Rose to tell me where she was and I knew that wouldn't be an easy task. Rosalie could be tough as nails when she wanted to be and she was fiercely protective of Bella.
I pulled into the drive way and let out a long breath before I grabbed my things and headed to the door. "Its about damn time you got here. I was going to come to look for you." Rose chimed.
"Back off Ro, really, I'm having a hard day." I growled at her.
"Excuse me." She all but yelled at me.
"You heard me, Rosalie. Can you just lay off me for a bit?" I looked at her, stood defensively with my shoulders raised in a high shrug and anger plastered across my face.
"Fuck you, Edward. This is your mess but I'm the one having to spend a night without my husband as he watches over your wife. I'm the one having to put up with your emo ass. I'm the one trying to smooth things over for you with Jasper. I'm the one that has to comfort Alice as she is left in the dark, again.
So…Fuck….You….EDWARD." She enunciated my name as she glared at me, hands on her hips and daggers that shot from her eyes at me.
I could tell this little standoff wasn't going to work in my favor but I wasn't going to back down. I needed to think, clear my head and figure out how to get Bella to come home. I didn't need Rosalie giving me her shit, too.
"Ro, don't you think I know all that….and don't think it's not appreciated. But fuck, can't you just cut me a little fucking slack?" I turned to head down the hall to put my bags in the guest room as I heard her follow me.
"Edward, you truly are the most selfish prick I've ever met." I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with the venomous anger that seeped in the tone of her voice.
I dropped my bags and turned to see that she stood with a hand stretched across each side of the door frame. We stood in silence staring each other down for a few minutes before I finally conceded and sat on the edge of the mattress, I rested my head in my hands and Rose just stood there.
"Edward, you seriously have a lot to learn if this is the attitude you're going to come in here with. Maybe you're better off being alone for a while if you think that you need me to back off." She spit at me and turned to walk down the hall. She stopped a few steps out, called out over her shoulder, "Come talk to me when you are ready to man up and face reality."
I sat there for a few minutes. I was so damn angry. I needed to get my anger under control. I came to Rose for help, like I had done my whole life and I don't remember her ever talking to me so hateful. FUCK! Just another fucking part of my life I've fucked up. I tugged on my hair, got up and went to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face and dried it off. As I stood there looking in the mirror at myself I wondered how I was going to fix this absolutely chaotic fucked up situation I'd gotten into. I knew no matter what I had to have Rose on my side to accomplish anything.
With my deep breath, clarity came to me. I knew that I had to go make this right with Ro first. I walked into the living room to see that she set out plates and utensils for us to eat. I approached her with my hands shoved into my pockets, as I attempted to sound sincere as I said, "I'm sorry Ro, really I am. I am truly grateful for all that you do for me and everyone else. I'm just very overwhelmed but I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"No, Edward, you shouldn't have." She huffed and grabbed a bottle of water for each of us out of the fridge.
"I'm tired, Edward, cleaning up after you is turning into a full time job and you aren't paying me enough." Her lack of laughter at her own joke didn't escape my notice.
"Fuck, Ro, I don't know where to even start to fix any of this mess. But please will you help me?" I begged. I looked up to see that she stood there stared at me, it was like she was seeing me for the first time in a really long time.
"Yes, Edward, I'll help you but you should know that it's because I love Bella, Jasper and Alice more than I even like you at the moment." She let out a deep sigh before she walked around the bar to sit beside where I sat. Rosalie rubbed her hands over her temples before she turned to me with a look of bitterness that brewed in her eyes. "I have always felt like I needed to take care of you as you seem to just naturally be a bumbling idiot most of the time. But Edward, seriously, it's time for you to start to handle your own shit, ya know?"
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and slowly let it out before opening my eyes. Rosalie stared at me with nothing but love shining through her crystal blue eyes. "I know," I whispered.
I sat down next to her and thought about all that she had done for me all these years and how now I needed to do what was right and make it up to her by doing something right for a change. "Help me? I honestly do not know how to resolve any of this. But Rose, I have to get Bella back. I feel like I can't breathe without her." I absent-mindedly started to rub my chest over my heart as I tried to calm the hurt radiated. "I have to get her back, I just…I just don't work without her." I couldn't stop the sob that ripped through me.
"You will Edward, you just have to fix the other stuff first then we'll concentrate on you getting Bella back. First, you have to settle things with Jasper and Alice. And by the way, what possessed you to take Jasper up on his offer? I mean, really, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?" Rose almost shrieked at me.
"Honestly, Ro, I thought I was helping Jasper out. I didn't PLAN for all of this to happen. Maybe I didn't think this through as thoroughly as I thought I had. And fuck Rose, Bella was excited about it. Jasper sprung this on me and then…and then …fuck, I still wanted him. I should have known."
I got up and paced the floor, my hands tugged savagely at my hair. I remembered that night in the diner and how angry I was at the idea of this whole idea. I remembered how conflicted I was because part of me still wanted Jasper, how I still got hard as I thought of him naked and then how absolutely devastated I was when Bella fucked him and took away my claim on him. "Fuck." I stopped and gripped my head even harder. I sank to my knees, tried to steady my breathing and let the tears fall.
I had loved Jasper so completely. I had been horribly ignorant of his feelings and his heart. I cannot even begin to imagine how shattered he had to have been as he sat back and watched me with Bella.
"Rosalie, how bad was it for Jasper?" I whispered. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, as I prepared for the worst.
"It was bad, Edward. He was completely head over heels in love with you. And you discarded of him so easily. He didn't function. He went through the motions. He closed himself off for the longest time." Rosalie didn't hold anything back in her description of Jasper's pain. "I had to force him out of bed, remind him to eat, hold him while he cried and soothe him the best I could."
"Thank you, Ro, for taking care of him." It was the only thing I knew to say. I couldn't go back and change things now.
"I didn't do it for you, Edward. Jasper was my friend and I tried to help him as best I could." She plainly stated with a hint of aggravation in her voice.
"How did he and Alice become friends?"
"She was just as heartbroken as he was. Once again, you had chosen someone else over her and to top it off Bella was HER new friend. I felt like Alice and Jasper needed each other, even though neither of them knew that you were their common link." She let out with an exasperated sigh.
"You see, Edward dear, what you failed to realize when you met Bella was that everyone in that room was in love with you, except Bella and I. You had Jasper at your fingertips and Alice nipping at your heels. You hardly acknowledged Alice at all. You were her best friend for more than half your life and hadn't seen her in years but you overlooked her, yet again. It did nothing but resurface all of her old hurt and pain and you didn't even notice."
There was a knock at the door and she got up to go get our food. I got up off the floor and went to sit down on the stool. What an idiot I was. How did I not realize that Alice had feelings for me? Had I lead her on, even unintentionally? I had known her forever and would never hurt her on purpose. She was like my annoying little sister most of the time. I loved Alice but I never saw her as more than my best friend or my family. I had been deeply hurt when she moved off without so much as a word to me, but I knew Alice and when she made up her mind about something, there was no stopping her.
Rose came back in the room with the food and started to pull out the containers for us to eat from. "And another thing, Edward, you used Jasper. I know all about that little stunt you pulled in the bathroom with him.
I was never more ashamed of you than I was when he told me about that. I mean, how could you do that Edward? It was cruel. It was almost as bad as when you chose Tanya over Alice. Are you seriously just that cruel of a human being?" The pure rage rolled off of Rosalie and it scared me a little.
"No, Rosalie, I'm not." I quipped, obviously I felt very defensive in that moment.
"Well you sure could have fooled me, Edward." She screeched. "Because now, you've done the same thing to Bella…..you have to stop this selfishness. It has to stop. You can't be the oblivious little boy you've been your whole life. It is destroying your life and all the people you care about." Rosalie turned away from me and I could tell she had wiped a tear from her eye.
I quickly got up and walked around to her, I couldn't help but pull her into a hug. "I'm sorry, Rosalie, I really am sorry. I'm going to change. I'm going to do whatever I have to make it up to you, to them and to Bella." I held her in a tight hug for a few minutes as we cried together, me repeatedly telling her how sorry I am. She finally pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "Just fix this, Edward." She whispered as she cupped my cheek. "These people are our family, and I can't lose them all again."
"I know, Rosalie. I will. Can you help me?" I whispered back. She nodded her head and let go of me, as she stepped around me to go sit down. "Come sit and eat so we can come up with a plan."
As we sat there, we went over what Rose thought I needed to do. With a stable plan in mind I finally felt like I could breathe again. I still had a long way to go but I knew Bella, Jasper and Alice were worth it.
They may have been just out of reach at the moment but I would do whatever it took to get them all back again. I had to. I loved them all.
JPOV
After I finished my non-descript explanation to Alice the panic started within me. Fuck. I owe her the whole truth. I know Alice and she's going to flip her lid when Edward tells her everything.
And I have no clue how to stop it from happening.
"Jasper, it's getting late, do you want to stay the night?" Alice asked shyly as her fingers twirled the hair at the nape of my neck.
I looked into her beautiful deep blue eyes, they reminded me of the ocean, as I searched for a hint of hesitancy before I replied, "I'd love to Alice."
She crawled off my lap, stood up and pulled my arms to get me to stand with her. She locked up the front door, and picked up the daisies I'd brought her. She moved them to the center of the dining room table before she turned to me
I was done for alright. How was I going to maintain my sanity with her in my arms all night, feeling her heat and body wrapped around mine? I pulled her into my arms, kissed her softly, "You're tired, let's get you into bed, sweetness." I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me. She peppered kisses to my neck, my jawline and my chin as I walked us down the hall to her bedroom.
I chuckled because she continued to assault my face with kisses, licks and nips. I loved this playful side of Alice, not having been on the receiving end of this type of playfulness before I relished it. I sat on the edge of her bed as she captured my lips and pulled me into a deep, passionate kiss. I pulled her body as close as I could.
"Mmmhhhmmmm, I could kiss you forever," Alice said as she pulled back to give us both a chance to breathe. "Me too, baby, your lips taste heavenly." I conceded.
It was my turn to assault her now, as my mouth and tongue took every opportunity to taste every inch of skin I had access too. Her neck, her lips, her chin, her shoulder as the oversized t-shirt slid off easily, I couldn't get enough. But I knew I had to put a reign on this before it got out of hand.
As badly as I wanted Alice, all of Alice, I knew that until we had everything out in the open, I couldn't have her that way. "Alice, baby, we need to slow this down a bit," the hesitation and frustration evident in my voice at having to squash our feelings.
"Don't want to," Alice pouted and batted her eyes at me.
I pulled my arms around her, rested my hands on the top of her ass, I loved the feeling of her.
"Please don't cry baby, I want you ….trust me, I want you so bad." The words seemed to stick in my throat.
"Jasper, I've waited so long for you." Alice softly stated as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
I leaned in slowly, kissed her cheek where the tear left a path and whispered, "I know baby, and I won't make you wait for me again. But I want our first time to be special, to mean something, and until we get everything out in the open, I won't feel right about it."
"Kiss me, Jasper."
I pulled her tight against me, my eyes never left her face as I pulled a hand up to tilt her chin to meet my lips. I kissed her soft and reverently, I allowed her to lead the dance our tongues began. That kiss held a million feelings, desires and questions.
We continued to kiss. Before I pulled back to catch a breath. "Baby, get ready for bed, I have a surprise for you." She studied my face for a minute.
"Okay, Jasper. You aren't leaving are you?" She asked as her eyes flashed rapidly between mine as she searched for the answer.
"No, baby, I'm never leaving you again. Now, scoot, let me surprise you." I chuckled as I tried to release her ankles from behind my back.
"It'll only take a few minutes, I'll be right back." Alice said as she reluctantly crawled off my lap, she lett go of my body as her eyes stayed on mine for any hint of betrayal.
I stood up and she paused at the bathroom door. Her eyes questioned me.
"Relax, Alice, I'm just going to get my guitar out of the living room." I quickly explained my actions to see her slightly relax and shut the bathroom door behind her. As I heard the water start to run, I went in search of the promise.
I spotted my cell phone on the floor, picked it up and typed a quick message to Edward.
We need to sit down with Alice and explain this to her ASAP. I don't like keeping this from her. – Jazz
I wasn't expecting an answer from him as I was sure he had his own problems to contend with tonight, however, my phone buzzed back as I pulled my guitar out of the case.
Just tell me when and where. I have a lot to say to her and the sooner, the better. – E
Not what I expected.
I'm having dinner with Rose tomorrow night, so maybe after that? Play it by ear? Will you be around for me to let you know? – Jazz
Yes, just let me know. BTW, J, I'm truly sorry about everything. – E
I sighed, I wasn't sure I wanted to have an 'alone' talk with Edward anytime soon, but I knew it was inevitable. We had a lot of shit to work through. But first, he needed to come clean to Alice. She was my priority now. Which made me think of Bella and that I hoped she was okay.
I got settled with my guitar on the overstuffed chair in Alice's room and decided to send her a quick text to check on her.
Beautiful Bella, just wanted to check on you. Hope you are ok. Love you, Jazz
There was no response and I heard Alice finish up.
Alice came out of the bathroom, her jet black hair softly fell around her face in wet, loose tendrils, her face bright and fresh and her luscious scent filled the air. She stopped at the side of the bed as she noticed me staring at her. She rewarded me with a small, mischievous grin as she said, "See something you like?" She giggled as I gulped and damn near shouted, "Fuck yes, darlin'. You are exquisite Alice."
I couldn't tear my eyes off her delectable little body as my cock stood at full attention inside the confines of my jeans, as well.
Alice turned down the blankets and crawled in, she got comfy as she sat up against the headboard. Fuck, she was so beautiful.
"Are you going to play for me?" She asked as her eyes sparkled in the soft light of the lamp she turned on.
"I've kinda been working on this song for you. The first time I heard it, I immediately thought of you." I tuned up the guitar. I hoped that I could make it through the song without messing it up.
I got my body situated and started to play:
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I don' t want to go alone
I don' t want to go alone
Now angel won' t you come by me
Angel hear my plea
Take my hand lift me up
So that I can fly with thee
So that I can fly with thee
And I'm waiting on an angel
And I know it won' t be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angel's arms
In my angel's arms
So speak kind to a stranger
Cause you'll never know
It just might be an angel come
Knockin' at your door
Knockin' at your door
And I'm waiting on an angel
And I know it won't be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angel's arms
In my angel's arms
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come and see me soon
Cause I don' t want to go alone
I don't want to go alone
Don' t want to go
I don't want to go alone
By the end of the song, the tears rolled down my cheeks, as I slowly opened my eyes to see Alice on her knees in front of me, her cheeks wet from her own tears. "Oh Jasper, I love you." And just like that I sat my guitar down, swept her into my arms and we shared the most tender of kisses I'd ever felt.
"Alice, you are home to me. You are everything to me. I love you so much." I leaned in to capture her lips again, as she wrapped her legs around my waist, I carried her to the bed, laid her down and felt the peace spread across my entire being.
"Home." I said, as I stared into her eyes as she placed her small across my heart.
BPOV
"What are you doing here, Emmett?" I asked as the shock of seeing him there wore off and anger crept in.
"Um, well, we were worried about you so I followed you and then, well, I heard you sobbing and I was scared for you….and I needed to pee." Emmett stared up at me sheepishly after his shoes lost his interest.
My frustration was evident on my face, I'm sure, as I begrudgingly smarted off to him, "Well, come in and pee then!" He at least had the sense to look ashamed that he was there.
"The bathroom is the second door on your left," I said as I pointed down the hall. He squeezed by me and rapidly jogged to the bathroom. I couldn't help but giggle as this huge, behemoth of a man scurried to go pee.
Then I got pissed again. What the fuck does he mean he followed me? Shit! Does that mean that Edward knows I'm here at Grams? If so, I'm out of here. I'll go find a hotel somewhere. I'm not ready to see him or talk to him yet.
I walked around and sat on the couch as I got ready to give Emmett the fifth degree. As he walked out of the bathroom, he looked up at me like a child waited to be scolded. "Rose is going to kick my ass, just so you know. You weren't supposed to see me." His voice boomed at me with a look of fear upon his face.
"Why the fuck did you follow me in the first place, Emmett? Rose knew I was coming here. I told her I'd be fine." I all but yelled at him as I threw my arms up in the air in exasperation.
"She was worried. She said you didn't sound good on the phone and she was afraid you'd get into an accident driving under the influence…of um, well, to quote her 'under the influence of an emotional breakdown'." He even did the little air quotes. I stifled a giggle. Oh poor helpless Emmett.
"Sit down, Emmett. I'm sure you're hungry and the pizza should be here soon. Do you want a drink?"
An instance look of relief crossed his face at the mention of food. Had I known that Emmett was outside and would soon be inside I would have ordered two pizzas for us.
"All I have is Mountain Dew, bottled water or wine." I really needed to go food shopping in the morning.
"Oh, well, I'll just take an MD then." Emmett said as I got up to get him a can from the fridge.
I walked back to the living room, sat back down and Emmett grabbed my hand quickly eyeing me up and down. "Are you okay Bells? I heard you crying and it made me want to go kick Edward's ass. Rose just told me that ya'll had a fight and that I had to make sure you were safe. Do you want me to go kick his ass, Bells?"
He paused to take a breathe.
"No, Emmett, please don't hurt Edward." I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him about any of this. He didn't seem to know it all and I wasn't exactly ready to divulge all the details. Especially when I still had to process exactly what was going on.
"We just have some issues that we have to work through. As for me, I'm well…" I paused uncertain what I was, actually. "I'm safe. At the moment, that's all I am." I gave him a small grin as I heard the pizza guy knock on the door. "I'll be right back Emmett." I said as I made to stand up.
"No, Bells, I got it." Emmett said as he gently pushed me back into the couch, stood and walked to the door. He paid the pizza guy and brought the pizza box to the coffee table. "Let's eat!" He announced as he pulled the lid open and grabbed two slices at once.
I reached over and grabbed a slice, sat back and enjoy the warmth the pizza provided to my now chilly body.
Suddenly the enormity of the day seemed to settle into my bones. I fought to keep my tears at bay. Emmett and I had never just 'hung out' without Rose and Edward around. To sit like this, eating pizza reminded me of the previous winter during Football season when we'd all be together at one of our houses to watch a game.
I suddenly lost my appetite and sat my pizza back down on the box when Emmett grabbed my wrist and said, "Eat, Bella, I know it's hard but you have to eat. I'm under orders to make sure you take care of yourself."
"Thank you, Emmett. I'm really glad you are here." I whispered to him, almost instantly relieved that I wasn't, in fact, alone. I managed to pick the piece of pizza back up and finish the slice.
As the night wore on, Emmett and I talked a lot. We talked about how him and Rose met, how scared he was of her and then we talked a little about Edward.
I walked down the hall to the Master suite, almost afraid to open the door and being assaulted with the memories that room held. The first time Edward and I had made love had been in that room. He'd come up to help me work on the house for the weekend. We had skirted the issue of full blown sex for over a week and it was just the perfect moment. It had been the most magical night of my life, up till that point.
"Oh Edward, please fix this….I miss you so much." I said to no one but the moon beams that floated in the window. I lay in bed, curled up into myself and allowed the tears to fall again. I prayed that he was able to figure out what he needed and wanted. I prayed that he still loved me. I prayed that I had the strength to not give into him so easily this time. I prayed for my own strength to rise up and carry me through this storm. I had to be fully prepared to ride it out alone, if that was the case.
EPOV
As I lay in bed, I tossed and turned, I missed Bella. My whole body ached for her. I cried as I thought about her alone. I knew she was at Gram's. She had to be. That house was her sanctuary and I was sure that she went there. She needed to be somewhere comforting after all I had put her through.
God, I hope I haven't destroyed my marriage. I loved Bella so very much. She means everything to me. I'm terrified that I would lose her..
Rosalie is right, why did I even begin to think that this proposal of Jasper's was a good idea? Oh yeah, I was thinking with my cock and not my brain.
I think back to that conversation that I had with Rose in the car the day I picked her up from the airport. Jasper and I had been going at it hot and heavy for days at that point. Seeing it now, I realize that I had kinda known the depth of my feelings for him.
That could have been why I had been insatiable for him because I knew that I would eventually have had to end it. I wasn't meant to live the gay lifestyle. Other than Jasper, I hadn't ever been attracted to another man. It was just him. It was the chemistry with him. It had nothing to do with being gay, bisexual or whatever the hell it was. It was simply about Jasper.
Then Bella walked in and I was instantly smitten with her. She was gorgeous, and simply unaware of the appeal that she held. When I saw her and she spoke with that shy innocence on her face, I saw my life play out with her. I knew that she would be the woman to steal my heart and enrapture my soul forever.
The problem was in how I handled the whole situation. I hadn't thought things through in my head very clearly. I made light of situations that certainly were not to be taken lightly.
Now, I had to atone for those misgivings. I had to fix this with all of them. Starting with my wife. I quickly pulled my cellphone out and typed a text to Bella.
Bella, my love, I miss you more than words can say. I'm so sorry that I've put you through all of this. Truly sorry. I hope that you're safe and that you know my heart is there with you where ever you are. I only hope that you'll allow me to fix this and become the man that you deserve as a husband. I love you, my wife, forever and always. - Edward
Still unable to sleep, I got up and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink when I saw Rose sitting at the bar, crying.
"Ro, what's wrong?" She just shook her head as I walked up and put my arm around her shoulder. "Please Rosalie, talk to me. You know how I hate to see you cry."
She sniffled, wiped her nose with a tissue before she spoke to me, "Edward, I just feel so guilty for not fixing all of this mess sooner. I thought that I had been doing the right thing by helping keep everyone's secrets and working on things behind the scenes. But now, I can't help but think if I'd just forced everyone to talk and get everything out in the open, we all wouldn't be this heartbroken and scattered." Then she broke out into a huge sob that ripped my heart open.
"No, no, no, Rosalie, none of this is your fault, sweetie. If anything, we're all responsible for own actions. Thank God we all had you there to help us with your words of wisdom and guidance. Please, please don't think that this your responsibility at all." Fuck. I never saw Rosalie like this and it worried me.
"Oh Edward, everything's just all messed up and I can't help but worry about everyone and I really, really miss Emmett." I turned her towards me to pull her into a hug as she quietly cried against my shoulder. "Come on, sweet girl, let's get you into bed. You wanna cuddle with me like we did when we were little and you were scared of the thunder storms?" She nodded her head into my shoulder as we walked down the hall to the bedroom.
"Okay, crawl in and we'll cuddle." I made sure to take her to the guestroom bed that I was staying in.
After a short while her sniffles stopped and I could tell that she'd finally fallen asleep. She was no Bella but she helped me relax enough that I finally fell asleep, too.
When I woke the next day the sun bore down through the windows and it took me a few minutes to figure out where I was. I grabbed my phone to check the time realizing that it was after one o'clock in the afternoon. Damn, I never slept this late.
I checked my messages but nothing from Bella. Hopefully she just doesn't have service up there and that's why she hasn't responded. I decided to type her another quick message before I got up for the day.
Good Afternoon, Beautiful. I hope that you were able to get some rest. I dreamt of you all night. I miss you so much, Bella. Life is nothing without you. But I have a plan. I only hope that you'll allow me to try and fix this. Can you please just let me know that you are okay? I love you, Edward.
I heard Rosalie in the other room, so I got up, used the bathroom, cleaned up and went to find her as my stomach was growled. Dang, I'm starving.
"There you are sleepy head. I was just about to come wake you up. Apparently, you were tired so I decided to let you sleep in but we have a busy night ahead, so we need to get cracking." Rosalie was bright and cheerful, completely unlike the vulnerable emotional cousin I had seen last night.
"Did you sleep well, Ro? I was worried about you last night." I asked as I watched her flitter around the kitchen, her graceful hands opened and closed cabinets.
"Oh, what? Oh, yeah, I'm fine." She responded as she waved her hands like she a simple shake would shake off the matter simply. "Just had a little 'moment' as mom says," she cackled as she said it. Something was up with her, but I had no clue what it was.
"So, a busy night ahead? What do you mean? I thought you were having dinner with Jasper?" I
"Well, yes, technically I am but you are the entertainment for the evening, as you and Jasper need to sit, talk and work this shit out." She suddenly stopped, put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at me.
"Please tell me that you boys will have the maturity to work through this without me. I am not going to sit and hold both of your hands and force you to speak to one another."
"We'll be fine, Ro. I am determined to make things right between Jasper and I. We'll work it out, I promise." I said as I got down a cereal bowl and made my breakfast.
"Thank God for small miracles. Now, you remember our plan from last night? Make sure you stick to your guns. Do you hear me, Edward?" Rose spoke to me in that 'don't fuck with me or I'll take you down' tone of voice that both of our mother's used to use on us.
"Yes, Rosalie," I responded, drawing out her name, as I used to do to my mom. "I remember everything we discussed. As long as Jasper is amicable to the idea of my meeting with Alice, then we'll be fine. Although, I still think that I need to contact Bella and straighten things out with her first." I reiterated my point for the thousandth time.
"NO, Edward," she drawled my name out in return, "If you start with Alice, then everything else will fall into place. This will allow you the ability to go to be Bella and start to repair your marriage. Don't doubt my abilities to fix this. I think testament is due to the fact that I've kept all of you moving forward in your lives for the past three years, don't you?" She fucking had me there and she knew it.
I sighed, ran my hand through my hair and nodded in concession. "Fine, Rosalie, we'll do it your way."
The day wore on as Rosalie set me up doing menial tasks to try and 'distract' me from the matters at hand.
Finally, at quarter 'til six she shoved me in my room to shower and get dressed for dinner. My mind had been on Bella all afternoon. I had restrained myself from checking my phone every five minutes but now I had to do it. I had to know if she was okay.
I saw the light blinking on my phone that alerted me to a message. What if she was telling me to leave her alone? Could I do that? Could I just walk away from her?
No, no I could not. I would fight for Bella 'til the end of time. She was the love of my life. I couldn't live without her.
One text message.
I am safe. - Bella
I let out a long, deep breath. She responded. She didn't tell me off. She didn't tell me to leave her alone.
Thank you, God.
My nerves a little calmer now, I showered, shaved and got dressed. I don't know what all the big deal was about 'getting ready' it was just Jasper and it was just dinner. I mean, we needed to talk, but couldn't we just do that in our regular clothes, where we were most comfortable?
To argue at this point with Rosalie, however, wasn't an option. Without her, right now, I'd be completely lost.
She had told me to hang out in my room for a bit after I was dressed. She wanted to speak to Jasper alone for a bit before she brought me into the conversation.
I heard the doorbell ring and their voices carried down the hall so I grabbed my Ipod and put my earbuds in my ears. I blasted the newest album from Red as loud as I could. I owed Rosalie her privacy in her own home and to be honest, I didn't want to hear about Jasper's reunion with Alice at the moment.
Sometime later, I felt Rosalie shaking my shoulders, I guess that I had dozed off as the music blared in my ears. "Come on sleepy head, dinner's ready and Jasper's ready to talk." She had a soft expression on her face and her eyes were warm and full of kindness as I got up off the bed.
"Hey, Ro, well, I um, I just wanted to say thank you for all your help. It really does mean a lot to me and I appreciate all that you're doing to help me straighten everything out." I pulled her into a hug, I wanted my sincerity exude from me.
"You're welcome, Edward," she laid her palm on my cheek, "you aren't a bad person, you just haven't done the right things. But I know your heart and I know you'll be able to figure things out and make it right. I love you cousin."
"I love you too, Ro. Now let's go eat, it smells good and I'm starving." I chuckled at her.
"You and Emmett, always fucking hungry." She shook her head, she tried to hide that beautiful smile of hers but failed miserably.
We walked into the dining room and I saw Jasper stand from the table so I walked around to give him a hug. I felt like we needed to start things out on the right foot and there was nothing sexual in how I greeted him.
"Hi, Jasper. Thanks for coming over." I said softly, for whatever reason I avoid his gaze.
"No problem, man." He returned.
"Okay, then boys, I'm out of here. Gonna go have some girly time with Alice. Play nice, all the food is on the table and ready to go. Make yourselves at home and there better not be anything broken when I get home, capisce?" Rosalie stood there, she looked at us like we were children about to be left home alone for the first time.
"We'll be fine, Rosalie. Nothing will be broken. I promise." Jasper told her with a mischievous half grin.
And with that she turned and left us standing in her dining room with a candlelit meal spread before us.
"Shall we?" Jasper asked, gesturing towards the table.
"Yep, I'm starving." I quickly took my seat across from him and started to dish out food.
Nothing could be heard but the sound of dishes that clattered and utensils being scraped across plates for several minutes as I felt the tension rising in the air. I decided it was up to me to start this meeting off I started off easy, "How is Alice?"
A huge grin crossed his face as he finished chewing his food before replying, "She's amazing. Thank you for asking." He took another bite then asked, "Have you heard from Bella?"
When my food was swallowed the food in my mouth, I nodded my head before I spoke, "Only briefly through text." I was afraid to reveal the entire truth so I just gave him a part of it. A really small part of it.
I wiped my mouth, took a sip of water and knew it was time to get down to business. "Jasper, I'm sorry for the hurt that I've caused you. I don't know how else to put it to you but I was young, selfish and very immature. I didn't think things through when I ended things with you. And I'm deeply, regretfully sorry for the pain I caused you all these years." I wiped my hand across my brow, sweeping the sweat off that had gathered there as I stared at him for his reaction.
He took a deep, raspy breath before he looked up at me. His fork dropped to his plate as he stared at me for a few seconds before speaking, "Thank you, Edward. But, I think that I owe you an apology as well. I'm just as responsible for some this mess, too." I tried to stop him there and correct his thinking but he held a hand up for me to stop so I let him continue to speak. "I should have spoken up. You gave me so many opportunities to lay out the truth for you. But I knew you didn't feel the same way about me, so why hurt myself further? Ya know?" He looked out the window before he sucked in a deep breath and returned his gaze to mine.
"I did love you, Jasper. I had even talked to Rosalie in the car about it on the way back from the airport. But I'd never been in love before, I wasn't sure what was happening between us and then Bella walked in like a hurricane and flipped me inside out." I didn't want to hurt him further but I owed him the truth, completely.
"I never expected us to be together forever, Jasper. But I was so drawn to you, the chemistry I had with you, it's the closest thing that will ever stand a chance to my pull to Bella. I don't know how else to explain it." I paused for a moment as I tried to think of exactly how to explain the next part of my feelings.
"I was never attracted to any man until you and I know that I'll never be attracted to another. It is just simply you that I'm attracted to, Jasper." I continued before I lost my nerve. "I had never known the pull of a person until I met you. Never allowed anyone in the way that I did you. Therefore, I know that it had to be simply about you and you alone." I watched as his eyes as they filled with tears and he nodded his head slightly to confirm that he understood what I meant.
"I know what you're saying, Edward. I mean, yes, I had other male relationships in the past before you but those were simply about sex to me. My whole being was drawn to you when I first laid eyes on you, too. It was the greatest charge I'd ever felt." He slowly let out the words and we let them sit there for a few minutes.
He took a sip of water before he finished what he wanted to say.
"I knew from the beginning that I was in over my head with you. That first night we had sex, I knew that I had fallen in love with you but you had made it clear to me that you weren't in this for the long haul. I just hoped that as time went on and your need for me grew that you'd fall in love with me, too." He let a tear slip down his cheek and it crushed my heart for the years of his life that he'd wasted as he carried this hope around.
"Jasper, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I love you and will always love you. I wish that I had had this conversation with you three years ago. I hate to see the pain in your eyes that I know is there because of me." I whispered across the table, every ounce of my being wanted to hug him but I knew that we needed to keep the bare minimal of contact for both of our sanity.
"For so long, I watched you, watched you and Bella as your romance blossomed and your love for her grew. I was so envious of what you had found in her and knew that you would never see that in me. But now, Edward, I'm grateful for it. I'm glad that I had to live with the pain of something that was wrong, because now I have what's right. She's the most beautiful little four foot nine inch pixie and she loves me. He stopped and I saw the love for Alice in his eyes as he mentioned her name. I prayed to all the God's around that I looked that way when I spoke Bella's name. It was pure love and devotion. "She's waited on me to get my act together so that we can have the same amazing life with each other as you've gotten to enjoy with Bella." He wiped his cheek, and his radiant smile bloomed on his face again, his crystal blue eyes were full of joy. I was more than happy for him that he had found his love.
"So, you see, Edward, it's okay that I hurt for so long because now, now I'll never have to experience that again. I know what miserable is. I know what loneliness and hopelessness feels like. I will never have to go back to those feelings with Alice by my side. She makes me soar with happiness. And I can't wait to make everyday as magical as the next in her life. She deserves a lifetime of rainbows and daisies and I plan on making that happen, every single day of her existence." He glowed as he spoke of her, the sadness completely disappeared from his features and I could tell this was real for him.
"I'm so happy for you, Jasper.
Now was the time for me to bring it up...my meeting with Alice. "So, Jasper, you know that I need to sit down and talk to Alice. And I'd really like for you to be there, we need to explain a few things to her. Have you told her anything about your past sexual history?" It really was none of my business but I kind of worried about springing this all on Alice with her having no knowledge of his past.
He quickly nodded his head indicating that he'd somewhat been honest about his past conquests. "So she knows you've been with men?" I reiterated.
"Yes, a long time back, we talked briefly about it, but she has no idea about you and me. I just didn't feel completely comfortable telling her about you, without your knowledge. I didn't intend to necessarily keep my relationship with you from her but it's complicated at best. So us talking to her, together is for the best, I think." He looked a little nervous, as I was, too.
"So when do you want to talk to her?" I asked hoping for a little reprieve.
"Tonight?" He whispered.
"Oh, tonight?" I was a little thrown by that request. I wasn't prepared at the moment, emotionally. But if that's what he wanted, I owed it to him. "Um, if that's what you want, Jasper, okay." I relented.
"It is. I don't like keeping this from her and I can't go another night with her in my arms and not, um.. well you know." He got a little shy and I chuckled then got serious with him.
"You declared your love for her but you haven't slept with her?" I was totally blown away. I was for certain that they would have sealed the deal last night.
"Um, no, not yet. Edward, I couldn't in good conscience have sex with her without her knowing about us," he said as he gestured between the two of us.
Once again, I saw a moment in someone's life that I had managed to ruin. "I'm sorry." Those words seemed to be all I knew how to say and I knew that I would say them a lot more as the days went on.
"Edward, I could have just told her and gotten it over with but I wanted you to have a chance to explain yourself, too. So, it's okay. It'll happen when and if it's supposed to happen." Jasper said, with worry riddling his voice.
"You're worried?" I inquired. They had declared their love, what was he worried about, I questioned.
"Yes," he whispered. "She's going to be upset that we've kept this from her. That Rosalie knew and didn't tell her. That Bella knew, as well. Then there's the weekend to explain and the fallout that occurred as a result of that fiasco." He paused and looked at me with fear in his eyes, "It'll be a lot for her to take in at once but it's like pulling off a band-aid, gotta do it all at one time, ya know?"
He was right. Alice will have a fit when she finds out everyone knew but her, and all this happened behind her back. This wouldn't be easy.
"Before we do this Jasper, are we okay? Can we go back to being friends and in each others lives? Maybe not now but in the future? I have really, really missed you. You were my best friend, above all, you know?" I sincerely hoped that someday in the future we could be best friends again without all this angst and fuckery between us. I would love to sit around play our guitars and have a few beers. I really had missed that side of Jasper, more than anything else.
"I hope so, Edward. I really do. Let's just take it one day at a time for now." I could tell he meant it, too.
We gathered up the food and dishes from the table and set about to clean up the kitchen for Rosalie. When we were done, Jasper called Alice and asked her to meet him at the diner we'd originally sat in all those weeks ago. Once the plans were in place, we got in our respective cars and made our way across town.
We walked in and ordered our drinks while we sat and waited in silence. The chime on the door indicated that someone walked in and by the smile on Jasper's face, I knew she was here. I took a deep breath and waited for the pin to drop.
Jasper stood to greet Alice with a hug and kiss before she noticed me, "Edward? What are you doing here?" She anxiously asked as her eyes darted back and forth between Jasper and I. She stood there perfectly still for a few seconds before realization hit her.
She gasped, "Oh. My. God. It was him?" She turned and looked at Jasper.
BPOV
I wasn't sure what to make of the texts that Edward had sent me. It thrilled me on one hand that he thought of me. But on the other hand, they pissed me off.
He loves me. He misses me. He hopes I'm safe. So why the fuck isn't he here? Why hasn't he come to me and tried to make things right?
I got angry and had a tantrum, I kicked the air, screamed out curse words and flamed him right and left. The next minute I was hunched over as I sobbed. It was a fight to breath and I missed him so bad. I was certain that my heart cracked in two.
Poor Emmett. He had no idea what to do for me or with me. He was so confused by my behavior, but I do have to say that it was nice to at least have him around to talk to.
I wasn't sure how much he knew, so I hesitated to tell him much of anything. In the midst of my rants he did find out enough that he wanted to now kick Edward's ass six ways to Sunday. If for nothing else than for the fact that he made me the unbalanced emotional mess that I currently was in.
I wanted to kick his ass too.
And then I want to fuck him into oblivion.
I needed answers.
I needed him to apologize.
I needed his strong arms around me and his velvet voice to whisper into my ear as he soothed the ache away.
I wanted to slap his face.
I wanted to beat his chest with my fists.
But most of all, I just wanted my husband.
"Bella, you have to stop with the pacing, it's starting to freak me out," Emmett chided me as I wore a path out on the living room rug.
"Emmett, I'm just so confused. I want to know why Edward hasn't tried to call me. Better yet, why he hasn't shown up to talk to me. He has to know this is the only place I'd come to." I sat down with a huff on the couch.
"Want me to call Rose and find out what he's up to?" His eyes twinkled when he talked about Rosalie, the small glint made my heart hurt for Edward even more.
"No, I don't want to make it seem like I want him to come to me. He has to do it on his own, Emmett." I could tell by the look on Emmett's face that this confused the shit out of him, but it was important to me that he wanted to come to me because it was his idea not because Rose forced him too.
"But I want my Rosie. I miss her Bella-boo." Emmett whined and made the most adorable pouty face.
I couldn't hold back my laugh at the sight of this grown ass man that acted like a five-year old that missed his mommy than the adult that he was.
"Oh Emmett, I'm sorry you're here with me instead of at home with your wife." I genuinely felt guilty for him being stuck here with me. Then I got mad in the same thought. "This is all Edward's fault and while I'm thinking about it, let's throw some of that blame Jasper's way, too. Those little fuckers are the cause of all this mess." I was pissed off again as the previous path of pacing began again.
"Call Rose and find out when she's coming to visit. I'm in need of some serious angry girl time." I barked at Emmett, he jumped slightly at the harsh tone I used.
"Okay, Bella-boo, calm down," he chuckled nervously at me while he dialed Rose's number.
"Hey baby," he cooed into the phone, his face lit up and his eyes twinkled again. They were so in love.
Complete and total opposites, but totally in love. "Bella-boo wanted to know when you plan to come up here, she needs 'angry girl time', whatever the hell that is." I saw him use his fingers to do the air quotes as he spoke to Rosalie.
I could hear Rose's voice but couldn't make out what she said. Emmett held up his finger to ask me to hold on while she spoke but soon his face came to life as he said, "Tonight sounds good to me, are you sure you'll be safe traveling alone that time of night, baby?" He got a deep furrow in his brow and an anxious look on his face. "Oh, I see. He paused again and the suspense was about to kill me. "Do you want to talk to Bella?" He eyed me then closed his eyes, he took a deep breath as he got up and walked down the hall to his room for privacy. But not before I heard him say, "It'll be okay baby, all of it will work out, please don't be upset, it's not good for either of you to get this upset." Then his door clicked shut.
Why was Rose coming so late at night? And why would both of them be upset? Were both Rose and Edward upset about something? Now I was thoroughly confused.
If Rose was coming, we needed more food. Emmett could eat for three people, alone, and I knew he wouldn't survive on the remainder of the snacks that we had in the house. I wrote a note to let Emmett know where I went, picked up my keys, phone and my wallet and headed to my car.
I lit a smoke. I instantly felt the calm come over me and turned on the CD player as Kelly Clarkson's 'whyyawannabringmedown' blared out of the speakers. I made my way out of the driveway and towards the store.
As I drove back towards town I started to think of things that Edward and I needed to talk about, things I needed to talk to him about. All too often in our relationship, I would relinquish my own thoughts and feelings about something and give in to him.
I started listening to the words of the song...and fuck.
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to keep it down. When I'm giving you one hundred and ten.
Don't blink 'cause I won't be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down
Damn. All my life, I've felt like the odd person out. I've never truly fit in until I met Alice, then Rosalie and then of course Edward. They all enriched my life in ways that I never imagined.
Particularly Edward, he had always pushed me to be better than I thought that I could be. He always encouraged me to do things that I didn't feel comfortable with, and so many times after I had tried the thing he pushed me to do I was thrilled with myself because I could actually do it. Edward did those things to me and for me, but he also used this power to manipulate me so that I let him make decisions about our lives. He would convince me that he knew what was best. At the time I believed that he wanted to take care of me, save me from the worry and to a certain extent I still believe that he did and does. It still boils down to me giving up my control to him. I want to be his partner, someone he knows that he can talk to about decisions that concern us. I want to know that I am someone that he values and trusts to make a decision that he can stand behind as well. In other words I want to be his equal not his property.
Two important matters popped up; the weekend with Jasper and having a baby.
My initial gut reaction to Jasper's request was not only no, but hell no.
Why should I allow my husband a free pass to have sex with a former lover, his only former lover?
What gave Jasper the right to ask that of me? What gave Edward the right to expect me to go along with it?
Fuck! Did the two of them play me or what? I mean, sure, I made my own decision to go along with it for the kinky factor. But, damn, am I that passive that I just went along it for the sake of making them both happy?
Not once did I look out for myself in the long run.
Talk about a doormat. I've been a doormat all my life. Always accepted what was laid before me, no matter what. I kept the peace. I tried to stay invisible. My voice was never heard.
For some reason, I got the feeling that Edward hadn't really ever heard my voice. Maybe it's about time that he did.
I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, parked the car and sat for a minute. My anger had built to the point where I needed to scream into the stillness of the car. I shook I was so mad.
Then the tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to spill over. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck," I slammed my hand repeatedly on the steering wheel, hurting my hand in the process. The tears came hard and fast from the pain. I laid my forehead on the steering wheel as I clutched my hand to my chest, the pain radiated down through my fingers.
"Just my luck, I broke my hand." I sobbed to no one. Oh that's right, I'm fucking alone. My husband should be here but no, he's off somewhere probably with his ex-lover. Fuck. Him.
I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Emmett's number. I really wanted to stop most of the tears before he answered so that he could at least comprehend what I was said but also so that I didn't scare him. "Bella-boo, what up?" His jovial voice reverberated through the phone. "Em...Emmett, I think I broke my hand." Seven words was all it took to make the tears start to flow again, snot poured down my nose as well. I wiped it on my sleeve.
"Bella? What? Where are you?" Nothing but worry came through the phone. It should be my husband's voice that responded back to me so full of concern.
"I'm in the parking lot of the grocery store and I hit the steering wheel with my hand..." I tried to stop crying but I couldn't. "It hurts, Em, it's hurts so bad." At that point, I wasn't sure what hurt more, my hand or my heart. My husband wasn't here, where I needed him and he promised he'd always be there. Through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health. Those were the words that we spoke to each other before God and our families. What good were the words when there was no feeling behind them? To quote one of my favorite songs,...
But all to often those words, get tangled up in lies,
And the bright light turns to night,
Until the dawn it brings a little bird that sings about the magic that was you and me,
The pain washed over me as the reality of those words really hit me, all this time I loved that song and I had no idea that it would ever mean this exact thing for me. I was so blind before.
See I'm all about them words,
Words, over numbered, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, for words.
More words than I had ever heard
And I...was so alive
EPOV
Fuck.
"Yes, Alice. It was me." I answered her honestly, that's what we were here for wasn't it? To get it all out on the table. "If you'll have a seat, we'll explain everything."
"I'll sit when I'm damn good and ready to sit, Edward." Alice crossed her arms across her chest, and tapped her toe against the floor of the restaurant. She looked at me and then Jasper, then back to me again. "What the fuck is going on, Jasper?" She asked as her eyes settled on him again. I guess she trusted him more at the moment to get her answers.
"Alice, baby, if you'll have a seat, we'll explain it all to you." Jasper calmly answered her.
"Don't baby me Jasper. I don't want to sit by you, move over there to sit by Edward. I want to sit so that I faced you both. I want to see your faces as you speak." Jasper and I just kind of sat there, still as stones.
"Move your ass, Jasper, I'm serious." She seethed. Jasper scooted across the booth seat and moved around to sit next to me. He gave me a curious look as he slid in the seat.
Alice straightened her skirt, stood there for a minute as she looked between the two of us before she sighed and finally sat down.
"Start at the beginning and it better be the truth, I will know if either of you lie to me, so don't even bother." She quirked an eyebrow to let her eyes scan between the two of us.
"Alice, before we tell you our um...history...," I paused because I felt slightly awkward about the fact that I was going to have this conversation with her all of the sudden. "I need to talk to you about our," I motioned between Alice and myself, "history, first. If that's okay with you." I waited as she sat there for a moment, her eyes narrowed like she was in pain before she gave a slight nod of her head.
"Everything that happened back in High School, well, the whole fight we had over Tanya. I just want to say how very sorry that I am for not believing you. You were my best friend, and I should have listened, truly listened when you came to me that day." I pinched the bridge of my nose, while I tried to shake off the memories of that day, which felt like they happened yesterday, at this moment.
"I was irritated that day, not wanting to hear what you had to say because I was clearly thinking with my dick and not my brain." I let out a deep breath before I continued, "I'm deeply sorry for the the fact that I hurt you and pushed you away that day."
When I looked up, there was a tear that ran down her cheek and I could see five years worth of pain shine through those deep blue orbs. It caused my breath to hitch and I immediately wanted to hold her and comfort her. This was the Alice I knew and loved all those years ago.
"Edward," her voice tiny and shaky, "I've waited so long for you to apologize. I carried that pain for so long, I don't...I mean..." She looked at me then closed her eyes, she shook her head as if to clear the tears and sorrow away. When she opened her eyes again they were clear and angry, "I cannot just say 'okay' and forget how you just dismissed me from your life so easily. It took me a long time to let go of you. I waited for hours, days and weeks for you to call me, write me, email me. I got nothing from you. Not one single word from you." She drew in a deep breath and I steeled myself for what I had coming.
"You went on with your easy life, had your fun, graduated with our friends that we'd had since kindergarten. In the meanwhile I moved away from my family, my friends, my life because of the hurt that your words and actions inflicted on me. Do you know? Do you even comprehend what that did to me? How deeply conflicted I felt? Not to mention the fact that I was madly in love with you. I had to mourn the loss of our friendship every damn day. As I was nursed a broken heart, too."
She wiped her cheek to smooth away another lone tear that had escaped. "You almost ruined my life."
I jumped in to try and defend myself. "I was a selfish asshole, Alice. I knew how you felt about me, well, kind of, suspected it, anyway. But you never said anything to me...and I just didn't think about you that way. You'd always been my best friend, my little sister, I couldn't see you in that light." My hands nervously twitched on the table as I tried to explain myself and my actions in the past to two of the most important people in my life.
Part of me wanted to run but the larger part wanted to stay to fix everything I had done in the past, so that all of our lives would be better for it. "But I never, ever meant to take your life away from you. I would never have asked you to leave. I would never have wanted you to walk away from your family and friends." I rubbed my hand across my chest, as my heart exploded with pain again. I felt another tear in the lining of my soul and knew that it would take years for me to erase the damage that I had done to Alice.
But no matter how long it took, I would make it right with her again. I had to, I owed it to her. She had been my best friend for so long and I'd treated her so very wrong.
"Alice, I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't make it right. I know that doesn't erase the pain. But, please know that I would do anything to fix it, if I could." I pushed my chin down into my chest, The regret swept over me, the shame for what I had done weighed on my shoulders, it forced the breath from my lungs. I looked back up to see that her eyes had waited to meet mine, a very tiny, minute, glimmer sat there. A miniscule tinge of hope. I forced the sincerity of my apology to peer through my only outlet at the time, allowing her to see the cracks in my soul for what I had done.
We all three sat there for a few minutes as the air full of tension and ambiguity swirled thick in the bubble we resided in. Jasper finally cleared his throat, before he attempted to restart the conversation.
"Alice, let me explain a few things about Edward and I, if I may?" His voice was soft, courteous and tinged with trepidation.
"Please do." Alice exhaled her words as she crossed her arms again. Her body language clearly stated that she didn't want to hear the words, yet she still sat here with us so that we could explain. She was a much better person than I had ever been. She at least stuck around to hear the answers. I apparently just skipped off down life's yellow brick road with my head in the clouds while everyone else around me crumbled to pieces because of me.
Jasper began to speak. "Edward and I met at a party, although we had a class together, neither of us knowing that both of us had been equally hyper aware of the other. There was an automatic chemistry between us, we were drawn together like a moth to a flame. We started a relationship, casually, at first but it quickly became extremely intense. Well, that was until Edward crashed and burned after meeting Bella." He paused, unsure if she wanted him to continue or not as her breath came out heavily and her face had turned red.
"So let me get this straight, Edward." She said as she turned to me and pointed her finger at me. "You thought you were gay?" She almost looked like she wanted to laugh at the absurdity of that thought.
"Um, no Alice, actually, I had never been attracted to any guys before or after Jasper. It was something about him that drew me to him, I was curious about it, so I had a relationship with him. It started off casually, as Jasper said, I even told him upfront that it was a phase for me. I was curious and undeniably attracted to him."
I wasn't sure how far into that I wanted to just divulge, she may not want the gory details. And if she did, she'd certainly let me know.
"He was your first?" She spoke so quietly, I almost didn't hear her.
"Yes, Alice, he was." I softly replied.
"Did you love him?" Her voice remained small, filled with what I can only describe as pain.
"I didn't at first, but yes, I fell in love with him." If only I'd realized all of this back then, we wouldn't sit here today, hashing this out.
"Did you love Edward, Jasper?" Her head turned to look at him, eyes pierced his face with hurt that shone through.
"Very much, from the moment I laid eyes on him." Jasper replied, his own hurt on display for her to see.
"Then how did all this," she motioned around the air in a circle, "happen?"
"That would be my fault, Alice. I didn't realize that I was in love with Jasper, I had never been in love before. I wasn't sure what it was. But, I was also very sure I couldn't live a true gay lifestyle, no matter how much I adored Jasper."
"Um, I've got some blame for this," he repeated Alice's air circle motion with his hand, "as well. I never voiced my feelings to Edward. I was never honest with him about being in love with him. I'm sure he suspected it, a few times, but it was just unspoken between us. Edward was very forthcoming in the beginning, when he told me this was new to him and it was nothing he wanted long-term. But I...I couldn't stop my heart from loving him." I wanted to hug him, to make up for the pain and hurt that he'd carried for so long, too.
I owed them both so much of their lives back. The weight of that thought swooshed all the air from my lungs and caused me to get light-headed. I couldn't give them time back. I couldn't erase the years of their lives they'd invested in the feelings they carried for me. I didn't know how I would ever make it right for either of them. A piece of my heart shattered and I felt the tears behind the lids of my closed eyes, slide through and make a path down my cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper." I whispered.
"You didn't know, Edward?" The ire in Alice's voice brought me back to the present space we were in as I opened my eyes to see a look of disbelief on her features.
"No, I didn't know, Alice." I shook my head, while I attempted to blink back the remaining tears and cleared my throat. "I mean, yes, I had suspected it. But every time I'd try to bring it up, he would brush me off, dismiss the thought or attempt to distract me."
"What the fuck? The both of you! Complete fucking idiots, the both of you." She threw her hands up, the volume of her voice grewg louder before she slapped her palms down on the table top.
"Edward, you are the most selfish prick I have ever known. I pined for you for years. YEARS, Edward. I never felt self-worth because you couldn't see what was right in front of you and now I find out that Jasper loved you, the same as I did for years. YEARS, Edward. And again, you selfishly chose NOT to see it, again.
Are you really that fucking dense? Seriously, Edward. How could you not know that the guy you were fucking every night was in love with you? Look at Jasper, does he seem like the shallow, uncaring kind of guy to you?" She stopped speaking long enough to draw a deep breath.
"And you Jasper, for YEARS you watched me cry myself to sleep at night, comforted me, KNOWING it was him that I cried over and you said nothing. NOTHING, Jasper." She stopped speaking, looked between the two of us, shook her head before she rested her elbows on the table. As soon as her elbows hit the table her head fell into her hands. "Jasper, you never thought that you should tell him. I saw how hurt you were. I know the enormity of the pain you felt. You didn't think it was important for the man you loved to know how you felt about him?"
I spoke up before Jasper had a chance to respond. "Alice, I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it. It was easier for me to walk away because it had never been voiced. If I hadn't heard it said, then it meant that it didn't really exist and I had no guilt to carry because I had fallen for Bella. I was uncertain of my feelings for Jasper. before I had a chance to explore them or really figure it all out, Bella showed up in my apartment. So, I took the easiest road available, denial. I'm not proud of it. But honestly, Bella is the love of my life, regardless of the fact that I did love Jasper when I met her. It wouldn't have changed the outcome. I still would have left him and pursued her. It would have always been her."
"You," she pointed at me, "are an asshole. Grade A, special quality, asshole. How could you do that to him? Do you know how he suffered? Did you not see the pain he carried all through his body? Did you not see the shell of a person he became?" She kept gesturing towards him like he was a prize in a game show, trying to get her anger out and her point across.
"No, Alice, I didn't. Once I broke up with him, he disappeared from my life. When I finally did see him again, I knew that something was wrong, different, but he wouldn't speak to me. He changed his phone number, he dropped out of class, I got the message that he was done with me, loud and clear."
I wanted her to know I didn't just stop thinking about him, missing him, caring for him. "Jasper had been my best friend, and he disappeared. Somehow, I seem to make all the people I love do that?" I croaked on my words, instantly I thought of Bella and how now she had also disappeared. I sent up a huge prayer, I prayed that her disappearance didn't end up as both Alice and Jasper's had. They both appeared to be lost to me completely wiped from my life.
The thought crippled me, my breath unable to fill my lungs and panic rushed through my body. I grasped my chest and started to hyperventilate. I couldn'tt lose Bella, I just couldn't.
She is my life.
My wife.
She is everything to me.
I gasped, I couldn't get air. My eyes were clamped shut and memories of Bella flooded my mind, the first night we made love, the day I proposed, our wedding day...it all scrolled through my mind like a movie on a big screen. Each scene caused me to search for air to give it weight but nothing reached my lungs...I was in a full blown panic, then it all went black...her face was the last thing I remember.
I had a feeling of my hands and feet being restrained, my eyelids were heavy and my throat was dry.
Why can't I move my hands?
I tried to open my eyes and slowly the room started to come in to focus, one person in particular. "Dad?"
He turned to face me as I called him. "Edward, finally, you're awake."
Then my mom came into view, "Mom? Where's Bella? I need Bella." My mom's face fell. "She's not here sweetie, how are you feeling?" Elizabeth's worried mom voice rang to my ears. "She's not here?" I felt my brain all hazy and I was confused as to why I was in the hospital.
"Mom, why am I in the hospital?" I moved my arms tried to get them untied. "Why am I tied to the bed?"
"Son, you had a panic attack, blacked out and hit your head, they brought you in by ambulance last night."
My dad said as he put his arm around my mom and moved to my bedside. "They had to restrain you because you wouldn't quit trying to leave or fighting with the staff while they were trying to tend to you."
"And why isn't Bella here? Where is my wife?" I felt the pressure build in my chest, then it all hit me and I couldn't breathe again, the panic rose in my chest even more so than the last time.
"She left me."
I felt the tears in my eyes as my Mom moved to wipe them from my cheeks. "Bella left me, please let me loose. I have to go find her. I have to go and make it right. Please mom, please let me go." I pleaded with her. I looked between her and my dad, I hoped they would see I had to get out of his hospital room. I had to get to Bella.
"Edward, you need to calm down, they'll have to sedate you again if you start to panic again." I know that my dad's voice was trying to soothe me but it had the opposite effect. "NO, I WANT TO LEAVE. YOU CAN'T KEEP ME HERE. UNTIE ME NOW!" I yelled as loud as I could. I had to get out of here. I had to get to Bella. I needed my wife. I would be fine once I had her in my arms. "BELLA!" I screamed. "BELLA!" I screamed again, my voice hoarse and my throat rough and dry. I could feel the tears on my cheeks and the wetness as it filled my eyes. "Please, let me go...I have to be with her. I have to tell her I'm sorry. Mom, please?" I begged with my voice, my body, my eyes. "Please?" I sobbed and felt her arms around me. "Ed, we have to let him go." She cried to my dad.
"Let me get the nurse, Elizabeth." Edward, Sr. said as he left the room to go find a nurse.
"Edward, sweetheart, why did Bella leave you? Were you having a fight, honey?" My mom loved and adored Bella. This couldn't be easy for her or my dad as they considered her their daughter.
"Oh mom, I made a mistake. A huge mistake, well, I've made a lot of mistakes. I really wanted to try to fix them and I realized I needed her and then I woke up here. Mom, I have to...she's my...she's my life. Please, I have to go to her." I cried into her shoulder, as I felt her sobs, too.
"Edward? Can we come in?" I heard Jasper's southern twang as he asked to see me, with Alice in tow.
"Jasper, Alice, I have to get to Bella. Please tell them, I have to. I need her. I have to see her." I saw Jasper exchange a look with my mom. "What? What's that look? What's wrong with Bella? Does she know I'm here?" I couldn't get any answers and all of their faces looked as if I'd run over their dog.
"Tell him, Jasper." My mom whispered.
"Um, Edward, well, when I tried to call Bella last night after the ambulance brought you here, Emmett answered her phone. It seems Bella had been in accident and broke her hand," I began to scramble again in the bed so Jasper rushed forward with his explanation. "she's okay but in a lot of pain. She was knocked out on pain pills and you were being kept sedated, so I'm not sure that she even knows or is aware that you are in the hospital, yet." Jasper tried to remain calm, but I could see the worry and concern all over his face and in his eyes.
"What? And no one thought that it was more important for me to be with her? Why wasn't she brought here? I needed to be there for her, she'll be all alone and she needs me to take care of her?" I could feel the panic as it rose up again and I struggled to breath as a monitor beside me started to beep. I noticed lead wires hooked up to my chest and realized that they had me on a heart monitor.
"SOMEONE LET ME FREE?" I cried out again. This caused my mother and Alice to start to sob, heavily. Jasper reached over and untethered my right hand before doing the same to my left. "Thank you, Jasper, please?" I begged him with my eyes as my hands came to wipe the tears from my face. He moved to my feet, he released them as well. "I'll drive you, Edward, just as soon as they say you can leave. Alice and I will take you to her." His voice was full of guilt and sadness.
"Jaz, thank you," I whispered, his hand come up to hold mine as he leaned down to embrace me.
"I'm so sorry Edward. So sorry. We didn't realize what was happening and I couldn't stop you from trying to get away. I'm so sorry." He cried into my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him, for the moment his embrace would soothe me, just until I could get to Bella. There was nothing I felt for him but friendship and appreciation that he was such a good friend to me, at that moment.
"It's not your fault, Jasper, it's not. Just please, please, take me too her. Alice, please find my clothes?" I looked up to find her tiny body shook all over with the force of her tears. "Come here little one," I called to her as I started to sit up on the bed, I still felt a little whoozy. She quickly embraced me, she held me tight, "I'm sorry, too, Edward. I yelled at you and didn't notice you were about to collapse." I pulled back, and took her face in my hands, "It's okay, Alice, it's not your fault, none of this is. It's mine, all mine. Just please, I beg you please take me to my wife." I wiped her tears with my thumbs as she nodded her head.
"Edward, I'm not sure it's safe for you to leave, baby?" My Mom, always the worrier. "I'll be okay, Mom. Jasper and Alice will make sure I'm safe and once I get to Bella, I promise, I'll rest. But I have to get to her. I have to hold and make sure she's truly okay." I looked over at her to see her wipe her tears and nod at me.
"Okay baby boy. Just please, rest and take it easy. I know Bella loves you, I know you'll work it out." I wish I had the same faith that Elizabeth did. I'm not even sure that Bella would want to see me.
But she is my wife and I took a vow, through sickness and health...and my baby girl was injured. I would be by her side, however she would let me be. "How did Bella break her hand, Jasper?"
"Oh, um, well Emmett she got into a fight with the steering wheel of her car, but the steering wheel got the best of her." He tried to lighten the mood with a little laugh at his joke, Emmett's doing no doubt.
"She punched the steering wheel? Was she driving?" None of this made any sense, Bella wasn't an angry person, she never resorted to violence so I couldn't wrap my head around what Jasper had just told me.
"No, actually, she was parked at the grocery store. Emmett wasn't able to fully understand her, as she was babbling and crying but he did mention the angry chic music that blasted through the stereo when he found her." Jasper looked at me like all of that should make sense. But fuck, I was more confused than ever.
"Angry chic music? Really Jasper? As if Bella didn't have a reason to listen to anything but sad, sappy love songs?" Alice chimed in, her voice full of ire.
"Alice," Jasper whined, "not here, please?" He turned to look at her, his eyes begged her not to start on him about what he'd revealed to me. "Please?" Jasper whispered to her.
"Fine, but this discussion is so not over." She huffed, crossed her arms over her chest.
"Jaz, can you um, help me get to the bathroom, I'm a little shaky," I asked as I tried my shaky legs to stand, I immediately felt a rush going to my head. He moved an arm around my waist as I put my arm over his shoulder. My wobbly legs forced me to lean on him as I stood completely up. "Just help me to the door, I'll take it from there." I quietly told him.
I heard Alice sigh loudly beside us and I could feel the tension in the air. "I don't want to fall and hit my head again, Alice." I exclaimed. I understood why she felt the way she did but really I hoped that for the next little while she could just lay off so that I could get to Bella. I cannot even begin to fathom what my mom thought about the whole scene. I couldn't go there right now. My sole focus was to get dressed, get out of this hospital and get to Bella as quick as possible.
I shuffled the few feet to the bathroom and Jasper helped me sit on the toilet. "You sure you'll be okay? I don't mind helping you." Jasper whispered to me. "No, Jaz, I'm fine now, besides, let's not give her anymore ammunition than necessary." I calmly whispered back. He nodded his head, backed out of the small bathroom, and shut the door behind him.
I used the bathroom, pulled my jeans on, threw my t-shirt over my head and grabbed the sink for support as I stood to splash some cold water on my face. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. The reflection that looked back at me was almost not even recognizable for the second day in a row. My eyes were puffed out, I almost looked like I had been in a fight. The dark circles underneath foretold my lack of sleep. My sight drifted down to see that my right cheek had a nasty bruise, I guess from where I had fallen and there was a gash sutured up above my right eye. I looked like death warmed over.
I didn't care. I had to get to Bella, no matter what.
I carefully opened the door, already I felt a little steadier on my feet. Tiny shuffles of my feet helped me get out into the room to find the doctor and a nurse with my parents, Jasper and Alice. "Edward, so nice to see you up and around, although I'd prefer you to stay in bed a while longer. You had a pretty intense panic attack and received a rather nasty cut to the forehead." The doctor said.
"No thanks, Doc, I have to get to my wife. I'll take it easy, but I'm leaving here. My wife is hurt and needs me and I have to get to her."
He gave me a list of instructions and medications, had me sign some papers before I finally walked out of there with Jasper and Alice in tow.
I crawled into the backseat of Jasper's car and passed out as he drove me and Alice toward Portland. Towards my Bella.
A few hours later, I heard Alice as she tried to wake me. "Edward, we're in Portland, but we're not sure where to go. Wake up, show us where to go." Alice's voice was soft and friendly.
I told Jasper where to go and as we pulled up into the driveway, I felt the panic start to rise up again. I got out of the car the minute it stopped. I tried not to run but I knew that she was in the house, I could feel her pull. Rosalie opened the door, her eyes full of tears and concern. She pulled me into a hug as I walked through the door, "Don't ever scare me like that again, do you hear me?" She admonished me as I nodded into her shoulder. She pulled back to cup my face, her eyes searched mine.
"She's asleep, the pain pills have kept her pretty out of it. But she calls out for you." That's all she had to say as I made my way to our bedroom. When I opened the door, I couldn't stop the tears as I took in her little form, curled up on the bed, her hand in a huge bandage. My Bella was in pain and I wasn't here to help her.
I stripped off my shoes and jeans and pulled the covers back, I slid in behind her, wrapped my arms around her. God, I had missed her warmth, her smell, the feel of her skin on my fingertips. "I'm here baby. I'm so sorry you are hurt." I whispered in spite of the fact that she slept through it.
"Edward," she whimpered in her sleep.
"I'm here baby, rest, I'm not going anywhere."
She turned her body into me, snuggled deep against my chest, she sighed and wrapped her good hand around my waist. "You're home," she whispered into my shirt.
"I'm home," I whispered back as the tears flowed down my face, fell on the top of her head, that was tucked under my chin. We laid there wrapped around one another, as sleep took over my body as well.
I awoke sometime later, it was completely dark outside and the only light in the room was a small table lamp across the room on the dresser. It took me a minute to remember where I was, I stretched and looked down to see Bella's beautiful brown orbs peered up at me. "You came for me?" She spoke so softly I almost didn't hear her.
"Yes, baby, as fast as I could get here, I came to you." I whispered back to her.
"Do you still love me?" Her voice was so small and full of doubt.
"With all my heart and soul, forever will I love you." I softly reassured her.
"I hurt my hand." A single tear ran down her cheek.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here to protect you." My eyes never left her, as she blinked back more tears.
"You were in the hospital?" She questioned.
I nodded my head and reached up to wipe the wetness from beneath her eyes with my thumb.
"I'm so mad at you." She whispered again.
"I deserve it." I replied.
"But you came for me?" She questioned again.
"I will always come and find you, Bella. You are my life, my love, my wife." I told her, I willed her to soak up the reassurances that I spoke.
"I'm tired and my hand hurts." Bella's voice once again became small and meek.
"What do you need, baby? What can I do to help the pain?" I asked because I hoped she'd let me take care of her.
"Rosalie just brought me some more medication, but could you just hold me and sing me to sleep?"
"Of course, love, any special request?" I asked, needlessly because I knew what she'd say but I asked her anyway.
"You know what I want to hear, Edward, please just sing it for me until I fall asleep." Bella's voice shook with the unshed tears.
"Okay, love, just for you."
I started to hum the melody as Bella turned to let me spoon with her. I wrapped my arms tight around her, to keep her close to my chest. I felt her relax slightly as I started to sing...
Laying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heartbeat with mine
Softly you whisper, your so sincere
How could love be so blind?
We sailed on together
but drifted apart
and here you are by my side
I felt her breath even out and a soft snore came from her mouth but I continued to sing.
So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me, open arms
I finished the song as she sighed in her sleep, so I pulled my arm tighter around her.
I fell asleep. My brain hoped that she knew that I meant every word that I sang to her. My arms were open and I hoped that she let me keep them around her, for the rest of our lives.
BPOV
I woke up this morning with Edward's arms wrapped around me. Which is usually my favorite way to wake up but today all I could think was...what the fuck is he doing here? I searched my foggy mind as it all came crashing back to me. The hospital bracelet on his wrist helped confirm what I remembered in the haze of my thoughts.
But why was he in the hospital? I don't remember if Rosalie told me that part. I tilted my head up to see his beautiful face, his cheek, black and purple and he had a large bandage over his eyebrow. Did he get into a fight? Edward isn't prone to violence, but at this point, I questioned everything I knew about him. So what do I really know?
I tried to get out of his grip but his hands just held me tighter to him. I needed out of his embrace, I needed to breath in my own space. I needed my own air that was not tainted by the smell of Edward. As much as my body craved it, I wasn't ready to just go back to being his loving wife, yet.
I finally got free from his hold and scooted across the bed, my hand started to radiate pain and I knew that soon I'd need another pain pill. But I wanted to keep a clear head about me so that I could at least somewhat deal with Edward this morning. I could manage the pain for a while longer without taking another pill.
I pulled myself over to the side of the bed, set my feet on the floor, I needed to go to the bathroom. I finally made my way off the bed and into the bathroom. I never realized how hard it was to do something one handed. But I finally made my way off the bed and into the bathroom. It was a struggle to just go pee, but I managed through my grunts and groans. I washed my hand and opened the door to find that Edward sat on the side of the bed, the pained mask upon his face showed his hurt. "Are you okay?" his voice was hoarse and scratchy. "I'm fine," I said, making my way across the room to sit at the foot of the mattress.
"I was so worried about you." His words floated through the air with a heaviness that caused my throat to develop a lump.
It was a true fight to keep back the tears that wanted to fall, I replied, "You should have been here with me."
His head fell into his hands as his elbows rested on his knees, "I know that I've fucked up, Bella, and I just..." his head came up as one of his hands went to rub across his chest. "The thought of losing you forever, it's too much...it's just..." He fell to his knees and crawled until he sat on the floor in front of me. "When I thought of the fact that you had left and disappeared just like the others in my life before you, I felt like my heart was going to explode." His breathes expelled quickly from his body and he sucked in hard for a breath as he tried to regain his composure.
The rapid change in him scared the hello out of me and while I wanted the answers that only he could provide it was not worth upsetting him in this manner. So I changed the subject. "Edward, what happened? Why were you in the hospital?" I asked as I laid a hand on his shoulder, his skin felt clammy and cold.
He raised his head as he brought his eyes, wet with tears and full of sorrow, to meet mine. "I had a panic attack, passed out and hit my head. They took me by ambulance to the hospital." I wanted to gasp at his admission but some small part of me knew that I had to hold it all in, I had to let him finish his part of the story.
"Apparently, I was in and out of consciousness and wouldn't stop trying to leave, so they sedated me and tied me to the bed."
Pain gripped my heart at the thought of him in such a state of anxiety. The pain increased when I thought of him scared, panicked, alone and tied to a bed, and I wasn't there to soothe him.
"How did you get here?" I whispered, his eyes never left mine.
"Jasper and Alice brought me, I was at the diner with them when it happened." Edward's face once again got that look of pain and I instantly stiffened at what he'd just revealed to me.
"So let me get this straight, instead of coming to me, your wife, so that we could repair the problems in our relationship, you were off at the diner with your ex-lover and your ex-best friend?" I snapped at him as the anger started to build within me again.
I instantly pulled away from him, I moved to stand up and resume my pacing, that seemed to have become a new routine for me. He sat there, almost stunned at the way I spoke to him.
"You know, Edward, I'm not sure I even want to know what was going on, but, if it was so much more important than coming to find me, I need to hear it. So, tell me, why were you at the diner?" I stopped my pacing, held my hand up to my chest, as it now throbbed with pain.
Edward stood and then sat on the edge of the bed, taking a few deep breaths before he spoke, "I had already spoken with Jasper, earlier in the evening. We talked about a lot of things, resolved our issues, I think. He wanted me to be the one to tell Alice about what we had, or at the very least, we both thought that we should tell her together." He sat there, unable to look up at me, his eyes closed, chin down on his chest.
"I also apologized to Alice for the fight we'd had in High school. I tried to repair some of the damage that I've caused her so many years ago with my stupidity." He looked up at me, a sad hollowness to his eyes. "I wanted to come to find you but Rosalie said that I should fix things between Jasper and Alice first. She said it would help things fall into place if I worked things out with them, first."
He stared at me for a few seconds, I could see the defeat written on his face. He clearly was torn at this decision and against his best judgment he listened to Rosalie. Now I was torn about his forgiveness. He obviously wanted to come to me first but Rosalie appeared to know more in this situation so he listened to her. Could I really hold that against him? His eyes dropped back down to the floor as his weak, small voice whispered. "I should have followed my own instincts and came to you first."
"Yes, you should have." I said through my teeth. "No matter what anyone else told you, if I were the most important thing to you, I should have been first." I fought, but lost, in holding back my tears.
"Do you know how hurt I am, Edward? Do you have any idea the thoughts that have plagued my mind for the past three days? It's like I don't even know who you are anymore." I yelled at him while I placed my hand on the small table beside me to keep me steady.
There was a knock on the door as Rosalie's voice came through the air, "Bella, I have your medicine." I closed my eyes, swiped the tears off my cheek. "Come in Rose." I called to her.
"Is everything alright in here?" Rose asked as her eyes darted between the two of us. "We're just fine, Rosalie." I harshly replied. I was a little miffed at her after what Edward had told me.
"Bella, I have your pain pills, if you are ready to take one. I'm almost done with breakfast, as well, if you'd both care to join us, it'll be ready in about fifteen minutes." She handed me two pills and a glass of water before she turned to look at Edward.
She sighed, patted him on the shoulder then closed the door behind her as she left the room.
"Edward, we have a lot to discuss, and I'm not sure that I want to do that with a house full of people. Who all is down there?" I demanded, trying to find my robe so we could go downstairs to eat.
"Rose, Emmett for sure and probably Alice and Jasper, as they drove me here yesterday." He replied, while he slipped into his jeans and shirt.
"I'm so not ready to have any conversations with them right now. It won't be a pleasant one, if I'm forced to do it now." I couldn't stop the harshness in my voice. "And why the fuck does Alice have any business being here at all? She's barely a friend to me and hasn't spoken to you in years." I questioned him.
"Bella." He stopped and stared at me like he was trying to come up with the words to dispel my anger. "I'm trying to make things right with her. She and Jasper are together now, I was just trying to do the right thing. For once."
"So when you fell in love with me and married me, it wasn't the right thing for you to do?" He looked at me with wide eyes and adamantly started to shake his head.
"No, no, no Bella, that isn't what I was saying AT ALL." He raised his voice trying to get me to understand him.
"Then what the fuck, Edward. I'm just supposed to sit back and take a second seat while you take care of everyone else? You just expect me to sit back and wait for you to come to me when and if you get around to it?" Anger was seething inside me and I couldn't hold it back, at this point, if I tried.
I tried several times to pull the tie to my robe around me to tighten it, but I was down to one hand and it wouldn't work. He quickly crossed the room to try and help me but when he reached for my hand, I jumped back, "Do not touch me," I screamed at him.
He froze, his eyes glued to mine, pain showed all over his body. "I can't handle you touching me right now." My body warred against me on the inside. My heart screamed to fall into him, the safety and comfort of his arms while my head screamed for me to turn and run and never let him hurt me again.
"Bella." His voice was barely above a whisper. "Please just let me help you," he pleaded as a single tear ran down his cheek.
I dropped the tie from my hand, pulled the collar of my robe tight around me, "Fine, just tie it for me so I can go eat." I relented, my body completely stiff as he reached around me to gather both sides of the belt, to bring them together and tied them in front.
"I need to go to the bathroom, do you want to wait for me?" He asked softly.
"No, just join us when you are done." I said, as I made my way to the door while he stood and watched me leave, once again.
I closed the door behind me, leaned back onto it, so as to try to calm myself down before I had to face a whole room of our friends and family. I dried my face of any remaining tears, took a deep breath and started down the stairs to the kitchen. As I reached the bottom stairs I could hear all of their voices as they talked about everything that had happened with both Edward's and mine medical situations over the past forty-eight hours.
"Dude, you were blowing up Edward's phone," I heard Jasper exclaim. What was he talking about?
"What do you mean 'blowing up Edward's phone'?" My voice bellowed into the room which caused everyone to turn and stare at me.
"I was trying to call Edward when I got you to the emergency room, Bella." Emmett said as he walked around the bar to help me into a chair. "It kept going to voicemail, so I called again and again. I hoped he'd eventually answer his phone." He pushed my chair up under the side of the bar and half hugged me before walking back around to Rosalie's side in the kitchen.
"I couldn't answer it as we were trying to get Edward calmed down and into the ambulance." Jasper chimed in. "It seemed that the two of you choose almost the exact same time to have meltdowns," his voice came across in almost a joking manner.
I just stared a hole into the side of his head as he wouldn't look at me. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jasper? Meltdowns? Really, after everything that's happened, you think this is a joking matter?"
"I wasn't joking about it, Bella," Jasper whispered in my direction.
"Sure could have fooled me." I angrily replied.
"Bella, I really did have a meltdown." Edward's smooth voice came from behind me.
"Regardless, Edward, they have no right to make a joke of either situation we were in." I watched as Edward walked around to stand at the end of the bar next to my chair.
"Enough, all of you." Rosalie said as she slammed her hands on the counter top. "Let's eat breakfast in peace then we can all sit down and discuss what happened, okay?" Emmett moved to stand behind her, resting his hands on her hips. "Calm down, baby." He said into her ear but loud enough for us all to hear.
"I need to take my meds. Alice, do you know where they are?" Edward asked as I noticed Alice sat in the corner chair at the other end of the bar. "Yes, I have them." She said before she got up and walked out of the kitchen, I guess to go get them.
"I think I'll just take my food in the room, I'm tired and need to go lie down." I said, suddenly feeling overwhelmed and overcome with emotions. I didn't want to let them see me have a 'meltdown' and the need to run completely consumed me.
"Okay, Bella, I'll fix you a plate and bring it up to you." Rosalie said calmly.
"Can I bring it to you, Bella?" Edward's voice was small and meek as I brought my eyes to rest upon him.
"I think that might be for the best, as you are still my husband, aren't you?" I didn't mean it to sound harsh, but that's how it came out.
"Yes, I am." He nodded and accepted my anger.
I turned to head up the stairs as Alice came down the hall, she stopped beside me, laying her hand on my arm, "Can we talk later, Bella? Just you and I?" I shrugged her arm off, turned slightly to see her face, her eyes pleaded with me to give her a chance.
"I'll let you know if I feel up for it, okay?" It was the only response I had. I just wasn't sure how much more I could manage to handle right now, she was low on my priority list.
I made my way to my room, grabbed the two pain pills that Rose had brought me earlier and swallowed them with the glass of water. I pulled the tie off the robe, dropped it to the floor and crawled into the bed, I curled up around the pillow and let the tears fall freely.
What the fuck has happened to my life? How will anything ever be alright again?
My thoughts consumed me as the tears soaked my pillow. A short time later, after my eyes had wept all they could for the moment, I heard a small tentative knock on the door, followed by Edward's voice, "It's just me. I have your food." He pushed the door open a crack as I nodded for him to come in.
He quickly walked around and set the tray on a side table before sitting on the side of the bed. He pushed my hair out of my face, of course he noticed the wetness on my face and pillow. "Oh Bella, baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make this all go away and for you to never have been hurt." His own tears silently fell from his eyes.
"Edward, I'm not sure if this is fixable." I fought the sob that bubbled up in my chest as he dropped his head to his chest, letting his own sob escape his mouth.
"Bella, don't...please...don't say that." His voice was broken and filled with anxiety as he sobbed out the words.
He moved to lie beside me, our eyes filled with tears as we let the sadness fill the space between us. "I can't lose you, Bella...you are...my...life...my everything." He choked out, his hand drifted up to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
"I love you, Bella. I've never stopped loving you. I will love you until the last breath I take." Edward's voice was so thick with emotion it strangled me as a fresh round of tears spilled forth from my eyes.
"I love you too, Edward. But sometimes, love isn't enough." I whispered through my own hoarse throat.
"No, baby, please, please don't say that. Our love is enough. I love you, only you, I'll spend the rest of my life showing you the love that I carry for you and you alone." The depths of his plea only caused my heart to hurt with a deeper ache.
He moved to put his arms around me before I stopped him, "No, Edward. Please don't. I'm not ready to just give in and let you make it all better. For to long, I've just let you fold me into your arms and make things the way you wanted them to be. I can't do that anymore."
He pulled back, "What are you talking about, Bella?" He was honestly perplexed by what I'd just said.
"Edward, you always make all the decisions. You always convince me of what is the 'right thing to do' for us as a couple or hell, even for me as my own person. I can't allow you to do that anymore." I pulled further back, trying to pull myself up to sit against the headboard. I was once again handicapped by the use of only one hand.
I winced in pain, as his voice demanded, "Let me help you." I snapped my head to his, brown eyes meeting dark green ones, "No, thanks." I forced my voice to reply, as I managed to pull myself half way up and pushed the pillow behind me to prop myself up on.
"Fuck, Bella, how are we ever going to get past any of this if you won't let me help in anyway?" Edward's eyes narrowed at me and his mouth settled into a hard line.
"Maybe I don't need your help with everything, and maybe you need to learn to loosen the control you have by allowing me to be an equal partner in our relationship."
Fuck it felt really good to get those words out.
He sat up quick, his back stiff and his shoulders squared, he was in complete defense mode. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I've never just made decisions for us without discussing them with you first."
"Yes, you have, Edward. When I didn't want to get my Master's you did everything within your power to convince me it was the right thing to do. I was burned out, sick of school and ready to just start working at the library. You spent three weeks laying the ground work of how I wouldn't be fulfilled working at the library and how I needed to finish school so that I could teach at the college level." The words tumbled out while I held back my need to breathe.
He started to speak but I held up my one good hand, so I could continue. "I tried to explain to you that I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to teach and you kept going on and on about how it would be better for me to teach so that when we had children I would have summers and holidays off so the family could spend those times together." His eyes furiously darted back and forth between mine, as he internally questioned everything I had just said. His face looked like he had replayed the old conversations we'd had time and time again during those months before I gave in and registered for the Master's program.
"Bella, you've always talked about how much you wanted to teach, I just didn't want to see you give up on your dream or take the easy way out. It was like you got offered the job at the library and you wanted to just settle for it and not pursue your dream." His voice held honesty and sincerity but it still felt controlling to me.
"Yes, I talked about wanting to teach. But I hadn't exactly settled on what I wanted to do. I also want to write, but you never even brought that up."
He just looked at me, complete confusion on his face. "Bella, you briefly talked about wanting to write but never like, seriously talked about it. If that's what you want to do then...fuck, just write. Baby, why are we fighting about this? I'll support you in whatever you want to do, you know that right?"
Edward's shoulders shrugged as his eyes pierced through me, like I was supposed to concede that he supported me. "I don't know that you always do, Edward." I adamantly replied.
He stared at me, "You can't mean that Bella. You can't honestly think or feel that I don't support you. Christ, Isabella, you are my whole fucking life. I would move across the world if it meant doing something to make you happy. I would do whatever it takes to make you see that you are the most important person in my life." His breath was choppy and his fists were balled where he held the sheets.
The tears fell from his eyes. I wanted to care, but the hurt that soared through my heart as I watched him feel the same agony and pain that I experienced was too powerful at this moment in time. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I could feel the drugs as they worked through my system and I was beyond tired.
Mentally exhausted.
Emotionally depleted.
Physically broken.
"I need to sleep Edward, my pain medicine has kicked in." I said, while I closed my eyes and wished that when I woke up out of this whole nightmare would be over and done with.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" His voice sounded a little broken and full of question.
I laid my head back on the pillow and scooted down on the bed a little to get comfortable. I sighed, opened my eyes and watched him as he sat there waiting for my answer. "If you want to but don't you have business to finish downstairs?"
Edward shook his head, before he told me, "My place is here with you, taking care of you. If you'll let me stay here, I'd like to take care of you. Please?"
"Fine." I was too tired to argue any more. I rolled onto my side, laid my broken hand on a propped up pillow, and got comfortable.
"I love you, Bella." He whispered, I just nodded my head and let sleep take over.
JPOV
After Edward and Bella retreated upstairs I knew that Alice and I needed to talk. I'd avoided any deep conversations with her since we left the diner. I couldn't put it off anymore.
"Come on, Alice, let's go for a walk." I said, as I held my hand out for her to join me. She nodded her head at me and slid her hand into mine, as our fingers intertwined.
We walked out the back door, as I saw a path that led through the small patch of trees at the end of the yard. I led her to the trees before she finally broke the silence, "You were in love with Edward?"
"Yes, I was." I replied, I instinctively clutched her hand a little tighter.
"But you aren't now?" Her voice got a little stronger as she spoke.
"No, I'm not." I stopped, pulled her to me, and lifted her chin so that I could look her in the eyes. "I am in love with you, Alice. Only you." I searched her eyes for understanding, but they were clouded with doubt and worry. She pulled back from me, putting space between us.
"I don't understand Jasper. I didn't even know that you were bi-sexual." Her voice was full of curiosity.
"Yes, I was. But I'm content now to spend the rest of my life loving you and only you." I wrapped my arm around her waist and turned us to walk over to sit on a broken log so that we could talk face to face, she needed to see the conviction in my expressions as we discussed this.
"Alice, I've always searched for a connection. That drive inside of me led me to meet a few wonderful people, but it wasn't until I met Edward that I understood what love felt like. Or so I thought." I paused, ran my hand through my hair. My next thought was to ease her mind so I pulled her tiny hand to my lips and placed a soft kiss to her knuckles. She immediately pulled her hand from mine. Again, she put physical distance between us, so I continued to explain. I hoped that when I was done, when it was finally all out in the open she would understand and bridge that gap that she had made between us.
"I thought that he felt the same. He never said the words but his actions told what I thought was the truth. I think, as I look back on it now, that I was in love with the idea of love. I'd never had such a strong pull to anyone until I'd met Edward. But, having my heart ripped out, it changed what I thought love was." I stood up and started to pace a little. I kicked leaves and pine cones around on the ground. "We were both in a place where we wanted to explore something new, something that was certainly a strong pull between us but it was not love. It was a deep connection that we made into something more because of our youth and ignorance. My youth and ignorance. Edward was honest with me from the start, I was stupid enough to think I could change him. I was wrong."
"How do you know that you really love me, Jasper?" Alice's voice was small and timid.
I stopped my pace and turned to her, "I know because the thought of never seeing you again takes the breath from my lungs and makes my heart stop beating." I knelt down in front of her, took both of her hands in mine, "Mary Alice, I am in love with you. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am meant to be with you."
Her eyes were filled with tears as she looked at me before opening her mouth, "Jasper, I want to believe you, but this is all just...I don't understand." She let go of my hands to wipe her tears from her cheeks.
"I don't want to get hurt again, Jasper. I'm too invested in you and this...well, this is just too much." She stopped for a minute to gather her thoughts. "To think that we were both in love with Edward, both of us grieving over the same thing when he started to date Bella. For you to know the truth and never tell me. I just don't know how I can ever trust you again." Her sentences were tumbling out all jumbled and incomplete but I understood her thoughts. I played them all out in my mind and prayed that she wouldn't say the exact words that she seems to be about to say right now. She paused and took a deep breath, she pulled back from me a little further. I stood and moved back to my seat on the log. A prayer in my heart for her to forgive me as I sat down to face her so she could have her say, I at least owed her that much.
"What can I do, Alice? What can I do to earn your trust back?" I pleaded with her.
"Tell me Jasper, everything. I feel like I was left out of so much." Alice looked at me and there was a hunger in her eyes.
"Everything," I said as I blew out a long breath. It was a question and a statement all at once. I was asking her if this is what she really wanted and telling her the same time that I would do whatever she needed to understand.
"How long exactly were you and Edward together?" She asked.
"Oh, um, eighteen days." I quietly responded. She turned to look at me with a perplexed look on her face.
"That's it!" She quizzed. "I was his best friend for my sixteen years." She threw her hands in the air in exasperation.
"Alice, we danced around each other for a few months before we finally met and connected. It was intense and fast." I said, unable to look at her as I recalled those first few days of being with Edward.
"So tell me what happened? How are you now 'over him' and why are he and Bella are fighting?" She asked, an angry tone seeped out through in her voice.
I took a long, deep breath, it was time to tell her the truth. "The first night that you, Rosalie and Bella showed up at Edward's apartment, he had reassured me that nothing would change between us. However, once I saw the way that he and Bella looked at each other, I knew it was only a matter of time before he chose her over me." I stood up, resumed my pacing and attempted to tell her the rest of the story.
"He promised me another weekend, but proceeded to break up with me less than twenty-four hours later. I had just wanted that last weekend if for nothing else, to tell him goodbye in my own way."
I stopped pacing, turned to face her when I noticed her arms were crossed against her chest and her leg bounced wildly.
"I watched him and Bella for months," I said with shame in my voice, unable to look in Alice's direction. "I approached them one night at the club, made a proposition that I thought would help fix what I'd felt was left unsaid for me. I asked for a weekend with Edward." I stopped when heard her gasp and finally brought my head up to look at her.
"You did what?" Alice screeched.
"I asked for a weekend of sex with Edward. I felt that if I could have him again, let my body say goodbye to him that way that it would help me get over him for good." My whole body was shook with nerves now.
I could see the fury that rolled off of Alice and I knew this would not bode well with her for me. "Was this before or after I'd told you how I felt." Alice demanded.
"After." I sighed. "But, I'd been thinking about it for a long time before that." I said in my own defense.
"So you knew that I was in love with you and you went to your former lover and his wife and asked for a weekend of sex? Is that right?" She stood, crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot, as she waited for my to reply.
"Yes." I barely heard myself speak.
"Jasper, it's like I don't even know you. You knew how much I suffered over not being with you, you knew how much I was hurt that you didn't return my love and that whole time you were off trying to get Edward into bed?" Her voice was full of anger and resentment.
"It's not exactly like that Alice. I was in love with you, but Edward still had such a grip on my heart, it was the only thing I could think of to get over him. I never wanted to hurt you and I knew that I already had by not being free to love you the way that you deserve." I confessed, my own tears formed in my eyes.
"Did Bella know? Did she go along with this plan?" Alice all but seethed when she spoke.
"Yes. She knew. I wouldn't have asked without her involvement. She didn't want to at first but then she changed her mind." Alice started to stomp around, her tiny hands balled into fists. Then she screamed, "FUCK!"
"All of you were in on this and there's stupid me, sitting at home, crying my eyes out waiting for you to come to me, love me and be with me. All the while you were off with them, getting your rocks off. Well, fuck you Jasper. I don't deserve this. And now, now I'm in the big fucking middle of it. How the fuck could you do this to me?" She fell to her knees and the sobs took over.
I wanted to go to her, wrap her in my arms, but I felt like she would push me away if I did. I couldn't stop my own tears as I fell to my knees beside her. "I love you, Alice. Only you. I accomplished what I set out to do, I'm over Edward." I whispered through my tears.
"Why, Jasper? Why couldn't you have just told me about this before you invited him into your bed?" She cried. I moved to kneel in front her, slowly I raised my hand to wipe her tears but she batted my hand away.
"I couldn't tell you without outting Edward. I didn't feel right telling you without him. It just wasn't my story it was his as well and I thought he should have some say in how everything played out. Then everything just got so fucked up and went out of control. Nothing happened like I had planned it, like Edward or Bella had even planned for it to go. Now, you don't trust me and Bella and Edward are fighting. It's all a big mess." I rocked back onto my ankles, the humungous weight of guilt settled on my shoulders.
"What happened, Jasper? Tell me." She said as she put her hand across my chest where my heart was contained.
I sat down on my ass, pulled her close to me and spilled my guts. I told her everything that happened that weekend. I relayed every emotion that I experienced, every thought I had of her while going through the motions with Edward and Bella.
We both cried, held each other and just let the silence consume us once I was done talking.
Alice scooted back from my body, "I don't know where we go from here Jasper. I love you so much, but I'm so hurt by all of this. I don't know if I can trust you anymore."
"Will you at least let me try to earn your trust back? Please, don't leave me." I begged, my eyes searched hers for a glimmer of hope.
"It won't be easy, Jasper. I can't allow myself to get hurt like this again, no matter how much I love you." Alice closed her eyes tight, shook her head, opened her eyes and stood up. "But we can start small and work from there."
Hope. She gave me hope. That's what I needed to find a way to make her see how much she meant to me while I earned back her faith in me, again.
EPOV
I watched Bella sleep. I'm overwhelmed with fear that I might have lost her. I can't lose her. I will fight to keep her. I'll change, I'll do whatever I have to do to make her see what she means to me.
She's uneasy in her sleep. She whimpers. She mumbles and she turns to curl into my body, involuntarily.
I relish the warmth of her body, for the small moments that I'll get to have her this close without the anger inside her pushing me away.
After the talk we'd had earlier, I realize that there were problems between us that I hadn't recognized. Bella thinks that I control the relationship and that I make all the decisions for us. I think about of our lives over the past few years. I know that I have control issues, but I've always felt that Bella and I made the decisions together.
There's a light knock on the door and I tell whoever it is to come in. Alice pokes her head in the door, "Is she still sleeping?" She comes in and shuts the door behind her as I nod to Bella as she rests.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Alice whispered. I nod and she sat on the edge of the bed next to me. "Edward, I have to ask you something and I need an honest answer, okay?" Her big blue eyes were full of tears that waited to spill over. "Sure, Alice." I answered.
"Are you in love with Jasper?" She barely spoke before she wiped a tear from her cheek.
"No, Alice. I'm not. What we had between us was over a long time ago. I love my wife." I replied, while I tightened my grip on Bella's body.
"Okay, Edward. I just had to ask for myself. I'll go and let you guys rest." She patted my arm and stood to leave before I grabbed her wrist. "Are you alright, Alice?" She shook her head and turned to leave.
She stopped at the door and looked back at us, "I miss you, Edward." Her voice barely a whisper.
"I miss you too, Alice." My voice cracked as I fought not to cry. She closed the door and left quietly.
"Edward, I really want some apple juice and an oatmeal crème pie." Bella's sleepy voice said breaking me out of my reverie. I couldn't help but chuckle at her request.
"Is that all, baby?" I teased as she started to stretch.
"Yep, that's all." She hummed, cracked her eyes open and smiled at me. "It'll be good for you and Alice to reconnect again."
"Oh, um, yeah, I think so, too." I hastily replied being a little thrown by her observation. "I have missed her as my friend."
"Edward, is everyone still here?" Bella started to sit up but struggled with only one hand.
"Let me help you, please?" I asked her. She gave a small nod, closed her eyes with a wince and allowed me to help her up.
"Thank you."
"You are most welcome, love." I said soothingly.
"Can you give me a few minutes alone? I'd like to get dressed and talk to everyone downstairs, if you'd let them know." She asked as she scooted to the edge of the mattress, she set her feet on the floor.
"Do you need me to help you dress before I go downstairs?" I asked not wanting to leave her to the daunting task, alone.
"No, I'll manage somehow, Edward. I'll be down in a few minutes." She said as she shuffled herself to the bathroom.
"Okay, Bella." I waited until the bathroom door closed before I left the room and headed down the stairs.
I saw Emmett and Rosalie curled up on one couch, as they watched a movie. Alice sat on the love seat, she read a magazine while Jasper was nowhere to be found. "Hey guys, Bella's up and she'd like to talk to all of us. Where's Jasper?" I asked as they all turned to look at me.
"Oh, he's outside, I think." Alice said. "I'll go get him." She said as she stood and walked towards the back door.
"Is she alright, Edward?" Rosalie asked, concern in her voice.
"She's trying to get dressed. She wouldn't let me help her." I gestured back up the stairs at where I left Bella. Rose nodded. "But it's probably a good idea for her to take some aspirin, as she was wincing in pain when she woke up." I conveyed to her.
"I'll get some and go see if she needs help." Rosalie said as she moved out of Emmett's embrace and got up off the couch. "Thank you, Ro." I answered.
"No problem, Edward." She left the room briefly before she flittered back through and up the stairs to Bella.
I sat down on the love seat and let out a sigh as I put my head in my hands, my elbows rested on my knees.
"Don't give up hope, Edward. She loves you. You just have to figure out how to make it right again." Emmett spoke to me with kindness.
"I hope I can Em, I truly hope I can make it right again." I said as the enormity of what lay ahead crushed my chest.
"I have faith in you Edward. You love that girl with the same passion that I love my Rosie. You'll figure it out, just like Jasper will." Emmett said as I looked at him, I saw a good friend that smiled back at me.
I heard the back door open and Alice and Jasper walked in, hand in hand. That was a good sign. I wanted them to be happy, and if it was together, all the better.
I heard Rosalie and Bella make their way down the stairs, behind me. So I stood and turned to them, "Everything okay?" I asked, as Rosalie gave a tiny shake of her head and Bella had a grimace on her face.
"No, Edward, everything sure as hell is okay." Bella walked around and stood beside me as Rosalie sat down next to Emmett.
Jasper and Alice sat on the love seat next to where I was stood. "Sit down, all three of you, we have a lot to discuss and I want to be able to look at all of you at once." Bella demanded as I sat next to Alice.
"I have a lot to say to all three of you and you may not like it, but I don't give a fuck. You will answer my questions because I deserve the truth." Bella said confidently and full of fire.
"Now, who the fuck wants to start?" Bella asked as the three of us just looked at one another, eyes full of fear.
As I revealed to Jasper what I had in mind, he was hesitant. He needed to understand completely what I asked of him and better yet the 'why' of what I wanted it to happen.
"Jasper, I've never doubted Edward's feelings for me, but seeing all the chemistry between the two of you….it makes me doubt if he was ever honest about his feelings towards you." I hesitated as my brain hoped that he would just listen to what I had to say.
"Plus, I need him to see what it feels like, because he's never had to share me with anyone. He's never had to think about someone else's hands on my body, in my body. In fact, no one has ever had a piece of me before him. He never had that with you either…." I paused to look up at him. "So he needs to see what it feels like and he needs to see it between us." I said with a bold confidence, as I searched his face to determine his emotions.
"Bella….this just scares me. This just feels like a harsh way to 'teach' him a lesson…." He stuttered but looked me square in the eye, "if it's what you need, then I'll help you. I'm fearful that we'll push him too far but …..Edward needs to be pushed, I think." He had a look of determination in his eyes as he reached out to run his hands soothingly up and down my arms. We stared at one another for a few moments; our eyes were able to communicate without any words spoken between us.
"So beautiful Bella, what's your plan?" He asked as he smiled at me with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
"First, we have to present a united front when we do this. We have to get him into a state of complete arousal and tie him up then we tell him that we've decided to amend the rules. And since we told him in the beginning that we reserve the right to change the rules, he can't argue with us about it. He'll just have to lay there and watch it all play out in front of him." I watched him nod in agreement, now I just had to calm the nerves that bounced around my chest.
I had never wanted to hurt Edward or watch him in any pain. I got to be honest this scared me to my core.
Jasper and I shared the lounge chair for a few quiet seconds before he pulled me back into his arms engulfing me in a hug. Nothing about sitting so close to him, between his thighs, encased in his arms was sexual at all. It was comfort, pure and simple. We sat there for a few minutes in silence before Jasper said, "Its cold out here and it's late, let's go in and try to rest, beautiful Bella."
I threw my legs to the side of the chaise and reached to pull Jasper up too. He kissed my forehead and we walked back inside. He went to the bathroom while I crawled in the bed. I snuggled up to Edward and he immediately turned to pull me into his arms, it never ceased to amaze me how safe I always felt while surrounded with the blanket of his body. He sighed in his sleep and nuzzled my head under his chin.
I felt the bed move as Jasper crawled in behind Edward. "Goodnight, beautiful Bella," he whispered out into the dark as I closed my eyes and let the sleep overcome me.
JPOV
I laid there with my arm around Edward's waist, in the darkness for what felt like hours. I watched him sleep like I had done so many times before, many years ago. I let a tear slip down my cheek as I realized that this was the moment I had waited for and how I couldn't wait to get away from it now.
He was now just a beautiful boy that laid beside me. But for whom, once upon a time, I would have given up my life for; now he held nothing but precious memories in the shadows of my life.
I watched the beauty of love that passed in the protective nature he held Bella within his arms and the security she felt, surrounded by the cage he held her in. They truly were a beauty to behold, together.
I only envied them in the fact that I hoped that I would someday be that same way with the newly realized love of my life. Only time would tell, at this point, if Alice was even willing to give me the opportunity to find out.
Alice.
Just to think her name brought her beautiful face to my mind, the sight caused my chest to ache with deep pains of regret. I had hurt her in the same way that Edward had hurt her, as well as how he had hurt me.
I was blind to what had been in front of me all along. I couldn't wait to rush to her, beg for her heart and hope that she still loved me.
But I couldn't leave, not yet. Bella needed me, she needed my help. It scared me what she wanted to do. It also brought me a sense of satisfaction to know that in a few short hours Edward would face a situation that he had no control over. I didn't want Edward to hurt and I definitely didn't feel good about seeing him in pain.
However, he had gotten away from having to deal with painful situations all too often in his life.
Edward had never had to watch the person he loved in the arms of another.
Edward had never had to face the pain of loss.
Edward never had to sit back and watch as the desires of his heart were being torn away from him.
When I asked for this weekend I never anticipated this outcome. Not in my wildest dreams had any of the scenarios played out this way.
I hated to think of the fallout, though. This could destroy all three of us if it backfired.
I swept my hand across Edward's cheek, as I leaned forward to place a single kiss to his temple. I stared at him for one brief moment before I lay down, closed my eyes and completely let him go.
My heart was free of Edward. I was free.
EPOV
I awoke with my wife wrapped in my arms and the arms of my former lover draped across me. I had never felt so encased in love before.
When I touched Jasper the tingle ran through me as it had in the past but something was different. It definitely wasn't like the fire that inflamed me like Bella's skin.
Jasper's hot breath whispered across my back and Bella's on my chest did nothing but send a flash of lightening straight to my cock. Then I felt a barrage of guilt cloud my mind. Was it Jasper or Bella that turned me on?
To have them together was almost surreal. All my wildest fantasies come true. Yet, something felt wrong. I felt a pull from both of them.
When Jasper and I had been together, there had been a constant need to touch him, kiss him, be inside of him. It was something I incessantly yearned for. I could never get enough of him. One look from him would get my dick hard as nails.
With Bella it was even worse. That first month we were together, before we'd made love, I was in a perpetual state of arousal. I jacked off more in that thirty days that I did my whole High School career, I think. I had blue balls more than once. And once we'd finally given in to our lust, there were not enough ways imaginable for me to fuck her. She had even accused me of taking Viagra at one point, in the beginning.
They were the only two people in this world that would ever know me in that capacity or be able to share that bond with me.
Thinking of that being a bonding agent for their friendship scared me somehow. Bella knew my heart she knew that she owned me. But Jasper had thought that he did, too. And in some ways, at that time in our lives, he had. Does that mean that I had been in love with him? Had I fallen in love with him before Bella came along?
I was so confused.
As I lay there, the heat that enveloped me from their bodies that were tightly pushed up against me suddenly seemed to suffocate me. I needed to get up. I needed to clear my head.
I slowly got myself untangled from their grips and made my way to the bathroom, took a piss, splashed my faced with some water before I went in search of our luggage. I quickly dressed in my running clothes, grabbed Bella's ipod off the table, wrote a quick note to tell them where I was going and headed out to the beach through the door on the deck.
While I ran I thought back over all the memories from three years ago and especially that last night Jasper and I were together. It was also the night that Bella had silently walked into my life: I knew immediately that she had set my heart on fire.
I stared out at the water that rolled up on the shore as I ran until I worked up a good sweat before I turned around and headed back to the Cottage.
I felt like I was on the edge of a mountain and there was an avalanche about to sweep me away.
I just hoped it didn't bury me.
BPOV
I woke up alone in bed with Jasper. I searched around the room for any sign of Edward, but I didn't sense him anywhere. Then I spotted a note on the side table so I crawled out of bed, I couldn't stop the smile as I saw that he went for a run. He loved to run, it was his way to center himself, clear his clouded head and come home to me all sweaty and ready to fuck. I loved when he would fuck me all hot and sweaty and full of need. He was always a little rougher, demanded more and was more forceful. It was delicious when he dominated me that way. I hoped that this morning would be no exception.
However, in order for this plan to work, I needed to clear my own head, wrap my mind around what I wanted to accomplish.
When Edward had first told me about his and Jasper's relationship, I was a little taken aback. I mean, I was extremely intimidated because I had no experience or sexual knowledge. I was really scared to have sex with him because of his past with Jasper. I assumed that sex was reasonably the same but different between two men than with a man and a woman.
I didn't know how to give a blow job and had never even seen a penis in the flesh. I had never been naked in front of man before. Just the thought of anal sex before I'd even had vaginal sex, let's just say it didn't appeal to me in the least.
I feared I wouldn't be able to please him the way that Jasper could or that he would expect a lot more kinky positions. For someone who had no experience at all, it made me shy away from it. Once I finally broke down and talked to Edward about my fears he reassured me that he had no expectations that I feared. He simply wanted to express his love for me with the connection between our bodies.
Now, I was very well versed in most things sexually. But there was one thing had been void for both Edward and I in our sex life.
Anal sex.
I had broached the subject with Edward a few times and we'd fingered each other but that's as far as it had ever gone. Somehow I always felt as if Edward wouldn't go there with me because of his relationship with Jasper. I wanted to push that boundary and get Edward over whatever had always stopped him from taking me that way.
And I really, really wanted to take him that way. Especially after I watched with my own two eyes the pleasure he derived from it when he was with Jasper. Now, I just had to set things up to follow through on my plan with Jasper's help.
I heard Jasper begin to move around as I sat in the corner chair my eyes were drawn to the beach, I watched for Edward's return.
"Good morning, beautiful Bella." Jasper rasped because sleep still clouded his voice.
I turned to Jasper, I couldn't help but smile at him, "Good morning, Jasper."
"Where's Edward?" Jasper asked as he looked around the room. His long slender fingers wiped the sleep from his eyes.
"He went out for a run, to clear his head. He should return all hot, bothered and sweaty. At least he usually does," I said with an undeniable sigh of want in my voice.
Jasper teased, "Is this something I should make myself scarce for? Or will I be allowed to watch the show?"
He sat up, adjusted himself and looked at me with a face full of mischief.
"I'm trying to decide if we should go ahead with our plan now or wait until later." Suddenly, the room was full of tension as a serious vibe floated around the air.
"I'll follow your lead, Bella, but you have to be sure. If you get a sense that it isn't going to be the right time, don't force it, okay?" Jasper spoke with nothing but honest concern. He quickly found his boxers on the floor as I turned to watch for Edward's return.
I stared out at the water for a few minutes before I responded to him, "I just feel like it needs to be put out there Jasper. I need to know where he stands. I felt something shift in him yesterday, like an uncertainty lingered in his mind. I have to know for sure that he hasn't changed his mind." My tears fought to escape my eyes, but I held them in. The last thing I needed was to have Edward see a trace of wetness on my face that would not bode well for any of us.
I had to be strong. I had to follow this through. I needed to make Edward face, head on, whatever it was that ate away at him. He had a way about him, he side-stepped the issues that he needed to face and this time I would not allow that to happen.
I saw him as he jogged up the beach back towards the Cottage. There was no time like the present.
JPOV
Bella had a look of fierce determination on her face, but I also saw a tinge of doubt behind her eyes. She had her reasons for this quest. They made sense to me therefore I had no doubts in my mind that I would help her succeed. My only fear was about the ramifications to my relationship with Edward.
While I knew that we would no longer be lovers we had discussed eventually that we would like to renew a strictly platonic friendship. If this went badly, there would be no chance of that. For all our sakes, I hoped that wasn't the outcome. My gut was rarely ever wrong and something just felt off about this whole situation.
I tried to put that out of my mind as I saw Edward walk up on the deck, he grabbed a towel that he must have dropped across the chair as he attempted to wipe the sweat that drenched his body. He was a sight to behold with his shirt off, sweat glistened against his abs and his hair stuck to his head. Yes, my dick twitched, but I needed it to. I needed to put myself back in that frame of mind to accomplish Bella's mission.
"Hi sleepy heads," Edward said when he walked into the room, as he looked between the two of us with a glorious smile on his face.
"Hi baby," Bella grinned back at him, she rose from her chair to go to him. Once she got directly in front of him, wrapped her arms around his neck he leaned down to give her a deep and passionate kiss. A small pang of envy swirled in my chest, as I watched their exchange.
Suddenly, Edward's arm shot out towards me, his hand motioned for me to join them. They broke from their kiss as I crawled over the bed, to stand at the foot of the bed where they stood. His arm came out to encircle my waist, the action pulled me tighter into his side as he placed a small kiss to my lips.
He kept a tight grasp as he pulled back looking into my eyes. His eyes gave away how much he longed for me. I noticed a movement below my eye line and looked down to see that Bella palmed Edward's cock through his running shorts.
He moaned out loud at the contact. His body impulsively pushed his hips towards her hand. "Mmmmm, see what the two of you do to me?" He said with a hint of teasing. He turned to kiss me again, as Bella pushed him towards the bed. We all kind of stumbled along because we refused to let go of each other, we had no choice but to laugh at the awkwardness of our movements.
Once the back of Edward's knees hit the bed, he fell on his ass on the mattress. "Okay, baby, slow down," he excitedly spoke. "What do you have in mind, love?" He asked as pulled Bella between his legs.
"You, on your back, we'll take it from there." Bella forcefully told him, while she shoved his shoulders back towards the soft mattress.
"Mmm, so far so good, baby." Edward said as he scooted back on the bed. I'm certain I drooled a small amount when he licked his lips, while he eyed us both. Bella quickly discarded the sheet she had wrapped around her as I hastily removed my boxers.
"Put your arms above your head, Edward." Bella told him as he readily complied. She looked over her shoulder, winked at me and asked me to retrieve her bag. I hastily grabbed her bag, putting it on the bed near her and waited for her to instruct me on how this was to go down.
She pulled the binding rope from her bag, while she explained that she wanted me to set the bag on the foot of the bed, as she'd need it again shortly. I knew this was it. I knew she was about to carry out her plan after all.
Once this was done, I knew that I would leave. I had to make a choice in this moment. How did I want this to end?
Bella made quick time as she bound Edward's hands together and attaching them to the headboard. "Is that okay, baby?" She asked him. "It's more than okay." He excitedly replied.
Bella then moved to straddle Edward's face as I heard him moan, he knew what she wanted. She looked back at me again, "Jasper, take him how you want him, it's your choice." She stated softly and looked at me with a hint of darkness behind her eyes.
I reached up to Edward's hips, slowly pulled his running shorts and boxers off before I reached to take his shoes and socks off. I left him nude before me. I stared at his twitching cock for a long minute, before I determined that this started with a blow job and that is exactly how it should end.
As I slowly pushed his legs apart, I crouched down between them. I thought about every moment that I had been in this position before. How it had always been a place of want, desire and every growing need, wrapped securely in his legs with his hardened length in my mouth.
This time was obstinately different. This would be the last time I would ever lay eyes on his body in this capacity. The last time I would ever feel his naked flesh under my own, feel his body in my own, the last time I would ever take from him what no longer belonged to me.
I fought to hold back a tear.
A tear that wanted to fall for what could have been.
A tear that wanted to fall for what would never be.
A tear that wanted to fall for what I was doing to the one I was in love with, unbeknownst to her.
I lowered my mouth to his cock and made sure to lick slowly around the tip, I remembered every single moment that I had tasted him this way. The memories flooded into my head from the vault in my mind.
I allowed a tear to fall as I took him further into my mouth. I felt the heat from his skin ignite on my tongue. I swallowed him further down with each draw of my mouth. My body let go and felt every second of anguish I'd suffered over the past three years while I washed over his dick in my mouth with the moisture I laved upon it.
I felt him thrust his hips up as I pulled my arms tighter around his thighs to hold him place. I needed him still, I'd chased after him for far too long. He needed to stop and wait for me now. I needed to be the one to control this moment. I needed to let him know that he no longer held the power.
With my eyes pinched tight, I pictured him over me, under me, inside of me, as he held me, as he kissed me. The scenes of our time together crashed like waves in my mind's eye, they wracked my heart with such a force of intensity that it caused me to almost choke on the appendage that filled my mouth.
I held back a sob of overwhelming release for the hold that he had held on me for so long was gone. I had no chains that bound me to him any longer. I had no bars across my soul. My mind no longer knew him as a lover. I increased my pace to get him to the edge quickly so that this could just end. I needed him out of my mouth, his dick felt like a flame on my bare tongue as I felt him tighten his abs, his telltale sign that he was on the brink of release. I opened my throat, sliding him deep inside of my mouth and finally felt his hot cum as it ran down the back of my throat. I swallowed the last of my love for him, two more tears slip silently slipped through my clenched eyelids. I licked him clean before I slowly slid down to the foot of the bed, my knees hitting the floor, my hands made into the shape of fists that clutched the bedcover, head down fighting for breath. It almost felt as if I were having a panic attack.
I had been so lost in my own revelry that I hadn't even heard or felt or seen anything that occurred between Bella and Edward.
Nothing. It was like they weren't even there. Until I heard Bella call out my name. "Yes Bella?" I quietly responded.
"Um, are you okay?" She curiously eyed me, as I saw Edward's head strained to look up while he looked focused on me with concern written all over his face, too.
"Oh, yes, I'm fine, just needed to catch my breath." I answered, as I hoped that neither of them questioned me further.
She nodded at me as she crawled off of Edward and moved to stand next to me at the foot of the bed. I stood beside her, and looked to her as she offered a small smile, she rung her hands in fear a few times then turned to face Edward.
Edward's head strained up off the bed because his hands were stilled tied to the headboard. "What's going on?" He asked. His clear green eyes dashed back and forth between the two of us with a look of fear that quickly replaced his post coital glaze.
"Well, Edward, as you know Jasper and I reserve the right to change the rules during this weekend…" she paused and glanced at me as her eyes begged me to help her find enough strength to do this. I decided to take some of the pressure off of her. I moved towards the headboard and therefore closer to Edward so that he would definitely hear what I was about to say. I leaned towards Edward's tense body and whispered, "We've decided to amend the no touching rule, Edward."
"WHAT?" He yelled out. "NO, NO, stop this now. Both of you….Bella, untie my fucking hands, NOW!" Edward demanded as he started to thrash about on the bed.
"I'm sorry, Edward, I can't do that. You need to see this. I need to learn this. It's going to help both of us, I hope." Bella calmly told him while her face contorted into a painful expression as she watched Edward struggle to break free from his bindings.
"Jasper, don't you fucking touch her, I mean, I will kick your ass, I will….NO, JASPER, stop this, I don't want this. You said I had a say…." His voice held anger, rage and fear. Most of all it held a plea, the tone of his voice as well as his words begged me to stop. As I watched Bella move to retrieve her bag, tears began to flow down Edward's face.
"No, Bella, baby, no, don't do this, please ….I'm the only one….please….no one has ever touched you…please, I'm begging you, please" he cried overwhelmingly distraught.
Edward's eyes grew wide as he watched Bella pull her items from her bag. "BELLA!" He screamed.
"NO, NO, NO, baby please do not do this." He continued to plead with her.
I moved the chaise lounge to the foot of the bed where Bella and I had discussed that our little 'show' would take place.
"Jasper…" Bella whispered, her hands shook as she held out the strap on in her hand and motioned for me to come to her. "Help me please." Her voice held nothing but fear.
Edward tried with all of his might to get loose from the rope that held him hostage.
"Let me see it Bella," I instructed her to turn around as I fastened the nylon straps around her tiny waist, I made sure to cinch them tightly. I turned her back to face me, pulled her chin up so I could see her eyes, "Are you sure Bella?" She nodded her head, quickly wiped the loose tear that had fallen. "Yes, he needs to see it, he needs to let go of his feelings." She whispered so quietly that I barely heard her. After I nodded my head at her, I leaned down to lay a kiss on her forehead. "Jasper, stop!" Edward seethed out through gritted teeth as his eyes had never left the two of us. "Don't you fucking touch her again. I'm going to rip you limb from limb when I get free from here." He growled at me, which caused me to flinch.
I was scared to look at him but I turned anyway. "Edward, Bella wanted to learn how to please you. I'm simply complying with her request. Please don't make this harder on her than it already is." I stated with a force of protectiveness in my tone. He needed to know that I would never hurt her, that I wasn't going to cross a line with her.
"What?" he shrieked. "No, I don't want this. Bella, I can teach you. I will baby. Please don't take Jasper that way. Please?" Again, his voice was full of hurt and despair. But neither of us relented as we continued our plan. I got on all fours on the lounge chair, instructing her to lube a finger first and to slowly insert it, attempting to move it in a circle to allow me to stretch before she added another finger.
She gently inserted a tiny finger inside of me as I relaxed and allowed myself to just block out Edward's cries, pleas and sobs as he sat torturously and watched this all unfold. She followed my instructions and added another finger and then a third.
"Do you feel how I've began to loosen a bit? That's how you'll know I'm ready." I softly led her with my words. "Now, apply a generous amount of the lube onto the cock so that it's plenty moistened," I continued to talk to her as I looked over my shoulder to carefully watch and make sure she applied enough to be comfortable for me.
"Good, Bella. You are doing fine. Now, line yourself up at my entrance, slowly inserting the tip, wait for me to push back a little before you ease in a little further. Make sure you stroke a few times before you try to slide all the way in."
She did everything just as I told her to. I could feel the tip just enter me when Edward screamed out, "STOP! NO BELLA! HE IS MINE. PLEASE NO. NO, I CAN'T WATCH THIS. JASPER, DON'T LET HER TAKE YOU, PLEASE BABY, DON'T LET HER TAKE MY PLACE. NO, NO, NO, NO," his head violently shook and his arms were strained to pull the headboard apart as his tried with all of his might to break free.
"Jas, no, baby, no…..she can't….that's my place…no one else's….no, baby, please don't do this," he started to gasp for air as I felt Bella increase her thrusts into me. His words to me simply spurned her on.
He shouted out terms of endearment to me…not her…to me. What the fuck was he talking about?
I wasn't his. I hadn't been his for years now.
He was hers. He belonged to her.
She was his.
I did not belong to him.
EPOV
I was dying. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop the rush of hurt and pain enveloping my heart.
She was inside of him.
She was taking him.
He allowed her to claim him.
They were destroying me. FUCK! I couldn't get my hands free. I had to stop this. TOO MUCH!
I couldn't stop watching. I didn't want to watch.
WHY?
WHY were they doing this to me?
How could he let her do this?
How could she do this to me?
Why would they push me this far?
I was barely able to hold on to my sanity.
My eyes were flooded with tears, I couldn't wipe them off as my fucking hands were bound and tied to this motherfucking headboard. WHY won't it break?
I dug my heels into the bed trying to get some traction to push my body up to force the headboard to give. But all I did was slide around on the bed covers. FUCK!
"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" I screamed over and over and over.
"Bella, if you love me you will stop right now. I mean it, stop, I've had enough." I yelled at her. She just turned her head towards me with a blank face, grabbed Jasper's hips harder and continued with her thrusts.
That was MY JASPER. His ass was mine. His cock was mine. His heart and body were mine. They always had been. Why had I never realized it? He lived in my heart. He always gave of his body and always seemed happy to take mine. I never realized that I staked a claim on it. I never realized that the thought of him with someone else bothered me….it was destroying me watching MY WIFE take MY JASPER.
"FUCK! LET ME FREE RIGHT NOW. LET ME FREE NOW, DAMMIT!" I screamed as my voice started to become hoarse.
I saw the tears that fell down Bella's face. Good. She needed to cry. She was killing me right now. I never before thought I'd enjoy her tears but she had to know what this did to me.
I saw the telltale flush of her breasts, that spread up to her neck then to her beautiful face, I knew she was on the verge of coming. Jasper's hand reached down to stroke his cock, no…no….no….I should be doing that, not him, I wanted to catch his release….he cum was mine. I heard her softly cry out when her orgasm hit her as she pushed flush into him, her hips up against his ass, as she completely submerged inside of him.
I stopped breathing as he cried out as his release shot out into his hand. He leaned forward on his forearms as she gently pulled out of him.
I yanked with all of my might as the headboard finally gave way and I was somewhat free from my current bonds while a whole new set formed as I realized I loved him. I had always loved him. I had been in love with him and I walked away from him and never told him I loved him.
"Jasper," I cried as I scurried across the bed, I fell to my knees as I wrapped my arms around him, I couldn't stop the tears that flowed at full force from my eyes. "Jasper, I love you, I've always loved you, I was in love with you."
He slowly rose up, I was in shock to feel him push me back away from him. I fell to my ass as he stood in front of me. I scrambled to my knees. I tried to lock my arms around his waist; I needed to feel his skin, to have it touch me again. I nuzzled my head into his hipbone, I cried over and over, "I'm sorry, Jasper, I'm so fucking sorry."
I felt him tense up, he spoke to me harshly and quietly, "Edward, get up. Stop this. It's over. It's done." He tried to unlock my arms from around him as he pushed me off him roughly.
"Jasper, I never knew, I never understood. I was in love with you. I was. I'm so sorry." I cried, I tried to hold him again only to be met with his arms that once again pushed me back.
"EDWARD, STOP!" He screamed at me. "Your wife is standing right there. RIGHT THERE, EDWARD. Your wife. Your motherfucking wife." He said angrily. He grabbed my chin to turn my head to force me to see Bella with her face in hands. The scene before me shook me to my core, she cried heavily into her hands. Her shoulders rose and fell with each of her sobs.
I was torn. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I had to hold Jasper. I had to let myself feel the love that I had for him when I touched him and had him touch me in return. I dropped to my knees, clenching and unclenching my fists. I didn't know what to do.
"Edward, I'm leaving. I did what I set out to do. My heart is free of you. I'm in love with Alice. Desperately in love with her." I felt my heart seize in jealousy. I felt my heart gripped with hurt. He was over me. He wasn't mine anymore. He never would be again.
"You need to talk to your wife, Edward. You love her. She loves you. You are insanely in love with each other." He said softly while he moved to offer comfort to Bella but she flinched away from him. She moved to the other side of the bed, to sit on the edge of the mattress.
"You're just going to leave, Jasper? You destroyed us, you forced me to realize that I was in love with you and you're just going to leave the mess for me to clean up?" I asked him exasperated.
"Yes, Edward. It's about time that you were responsible for something, it's about time you had to clean up your own mess."
With that said he walked to Bella, leaned down and whispered something in her ear before he turned to walk into the bathroom. He gathered his belongings and walked out of the bedroom. He closed the door behind him, the silence was deafening.
What the fuck was he talking about? What messes had I not cleaned up before?
I was very confused.
I was very hurt.
I was very angry. But who was I angry at? Bella? No, I was upset by what she did but I wasn't angry at her. Jasper? Again, I was pissed at what he'd allowed to happen but I wasn't angry at him.
Me. I was angry at me. I slowly sat down on my heels as the last three years of my life flashed like scrolls of a movie screen before my eyes…Bella…then Jasper…..then ….Alice?
"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" I cried out, as I put my face in my hands. Nothing I did could stop the fresh round of tears that escaped my wet eyes. "What have I done? How many lives have I destroyed?" I sobbed, unable to catch my breath. Panic rose up in my chest again, like a boulder was on top of me and I couldn't fill my lungs with enough air.
BPOV
What had I done? To see Edward as he sat on the floor in an almost catatonic state, not even able to recognize that I was six feet from him as he came completely undone.
He seemed lost to me….like I would never have him again.
He would never forgive me for what I'd done. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself. I had done this. I had pushed him away. I had forced him to see something within himself that he had chosen to never face.
Now, he knew he loved Jasper. Where did that leave me? I simply didn't know.
I watched as he sat, I watched as he cried, screamed out and clenched himself around the waist. He pounded the floor several times before broke and couldn't take it anymore. I walked to the bathroom, locked the door behind me and crawled into the shower to wash away the filth that now covered my body. My tears never ceased, my strength diminished, my will to carry on dissipated. I had no desire to watch him break down further and then realize that I was not the one he wants.
I straightened up, finished my shower, determined to get away from here as quickly as possible.
When I stepped out of the shower, I quickly dried off, found some clothes, threw my hair up and went out gathered my things in my bag. I found the number for cab in the phone book on the kitchen counter. When I called and asked for a cab, I begged for it to come right away. I had to get out of here and it had to be now.
I wasn't ready to face the end of my marriage. I wasn't ready to face Edward, for him to tell me that he no longer loved me, need me, wanted me….I fought the tears threatened to fall.
When I walked back into the bedroom, I noticed that he had at least gotten up off the floor as he now sat on the edge of the bed. He never looked up, he never even noticed that I'd come and gone from the room several times.
My bags were packed, they sat by the door. I had no choice but to wait for the cab to arrive and for me to walk out, I no longer knew my fate. I made my way to Edward one more time before I walked out for good.
EPOV
I sat there for an eternity before I heard Bella calling me, "Edward? Edward look at me." She commanded, she tried to pry my hands from my face. "EDWARD! .ME." She demanded now.
I lifted my tired eyes to see her beautiful face, empty of caring and kindness, devoid of emotion, wiped clean of love. "I'm leaving, too."
I looked at her. I mean really saw her. She was fully dressed, hair pulled into a bun, face pink from her own tears. "What?" I stumbled with the words, confusion probably written on my face. She's going to leave me as well?
"I'm leaving. I called a cab it's on the way here now. I'll go home to get my car. I'm going out of town for a while. You need to figure this shit out. I need to figure this shit out." She stopped, looked out the window behind me for a moment before she looked back to me. "I need to know that you love me and only me. Right now, I don't think you know who and what you want. We need some space to sort this out." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, "I need to know that you still want me to be your wife," she softly whispered as she closed her eyes and a lone tear trailed down her cheek.
"No, Bella." I pushed the words out in my almost non-existent voice. "No, don't leave. Please, you promised me you'd never leave me." I softly reminded her.
"Edward….you need to ….I can't….." she paused as a honk sounded out through the momentary silence.
"Don't call me, please. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk, okay?" She begged with her eyes for me to comply. I just nodded my head because I didn't know how to speak, how to stop the cracks that formed in my heart as I watched her walk out the door.
"I love you." She said so softly over her shoulder as she paused at the door, I wasn't sure she'd really said them.
Then she was gone.
Jasper was gone.
I was all alone; alone with nothing but memories, but misguided thoughts, but random glimpses of the past years of my life.
Had I always been just out of reach to all those that loved me?
Chapter 10
When I closed the Cottage door behind me, I knew that I would never again walk through the doors that I had just closed; both figuratively and literally. I had slammed shut the door on my heart that Edward had opened all those years ago and I had closed the door to the place that held so many years of anguish and despair while I fought the urge to hold on to him.
At no other point in my life had I felt more in charge. It's like I had awoke from a coma. The clouds were all gone. The sun shone brightly and my eyes were stung by the rays of light. My future was now wide open just like the road before me.
I couldn't wait to get to Alice. Alice. How was I going to explain all of this madness to her? How was I going to tell her that I was now free to love her, hold her, kiss her….make her mine. I couldn't help but to get lost in the daydream of our reunion and the happiness that floated around inside of my body.
The happiness was soon gone when Bella's face came to my mind. She was destroyed. She had been absolutely crushed by the weight of Edward's sudden awareness. I was torn between the fact that I wanted to comfort her and kick Edward's ass. When I went to her, I gently reminded her that this was for the best and that maybe she should leave too. I hoped that she listened.
I had never imagined that I could be so angry with him. But I had also never seen him in so much pain.
And now, it brings me little comfort to know that he was in fact in love with me…after I wasted three years of my life on him.
It wasn't going to be easy to fix this mess but I'm sure that in time, it'll all work itself out. I just hope that Alice can forgive me, after it's all said and done.
I let my mind wander to her beautiful face, her curvy little body and the sparkle of her deep blue eyes. I was one lucky son of a bitch to have her in my life and even luckier to know that she was in love with me.
If she still is.
Guilt and shame washed over me when I started to think back over the past six months and how we'd both quietly withdrawn from one another after her confession. Who's to say she hasn't forgotten about me and moved on? I picked up the phone to call Rosalie. I needed a little perspective.
The phone rang a few times before Rose finally answered, "Hi Jasper," she paused, "where have you been all weekend? Alice has driven me crazy wanting to know, as well."
I was a little thrown by this revelation. I did not expect Alice or Rosalie to notice that I was out of town. I didn't tell anyone of my plans or that I would be away, because, I wasn't really sure if Rosalie was ready to handle the truth and I didn't want Alice to know the truth just yet. When it was time to tell, I felt like Alice deserved the truth first, at least from me.
"I went to the Cottage." I finally answered her.
"Alone?" She asked inquisitively.
"No." It was all I could say. I did not want to tell Rose about what went down or how it all started, but I could tell she wasn't going to let it go, either.
"Jasper, did you know that Bella and Edward were out of town this weekend, too?" She said with a hint of knowledge in her voice.
I let out a long breath before I answered her, "Yes, I knew they were going out of town."
"I will let that go for now as I don't think that's what you called me for, but, you know that we'll discuss all of this soon, Jasper." Rosalie meant business in the tone of her voice.
"Fine Rose," I chuckled at her, "and no, that isn't why I called. I have something very important to discuss with you. I, of course, need your help." I couldn't hide the smile in my voice.
"Okay, Jasper, spill it, I can hear you're excited about something." She replied as the curiosity laced her voice.
"I'm in love with Alice. I'm head over heels in love with her. I'm on my way to tell her now." I replied. The ability to voice it out loud was extremely freeing.
"Wow, Jasper. That is so not what I expected to hear from you." She paused, sighed and said, "What about Edward, Jasper?"
I let out a long breath, as I searched for the right words to explain how I was finally free from the bonds of my love for Edward. "I'm over him, Rose. It's that plain and simple. I will always love and care about him, but I'm no longer in love with him. Alice is the only one in my heart now." I knew she would have a thousand questions about that statement but I hoped that she'd just let it go for now.
"It's that simple huh? Jasper, I love you and you know me well enough to know that I don't buy that statement. BUT, because I love you, for now, we'll stick to your Alice revelation. Just know I've waited for this day to come. It makes me very happy, especially since you know she's in love with you, too." I could hear Rosalie's smile through the phone.
"And that's where I need your help, Rose, how do I tell her? Do I just show up and surprise her? Do I call her call her first and ask her out on a date? What should I do?" I was anxious for her opinion and especially her advice. I wanted this to be perfect, I've screwed up so much in the past with Alice. I didn't want to do that again with something this important.
"Jasper, how do you envision that you will tell her?" She asked.
"Honestly, I just want to tell her. I just want to feel her wrapped in my arms, I want to feel her heart under my hand and I want her to know that I am hers. Forever, if she'll have me." It was as honest as I could respond. I just want to shout from the rooftops how I feel about her. I want her to smile that gorgeous smile at me. I want to feel her lips on mine. I want her to feel my love for her.
"So, just go with that Jasper. There's no need for all that fancy fanfare. Just be yourself." It was obvious that she felt the same joy for the two of us I could hear it in her voice.
"Thank you, Rose. I'm almost home, so I'll talk to you soon, okay?"
"Yes, Jasper, we need to have lunch in the next day or two. I expect answers." She firmly demanded.
"Sure thing Rose. I'll call ya soon." I said as I hung up the phone. My stomach was nervous, hell my entire body thrummed with it.
I wanted to make a few stops before I went to Alice, I couldn't wait.
BPOV
The force it took to get into that cab was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I held back my tears for as long as I could. When they came, it didn't feel like they would ever stop.
Once I got home, I quickly packed a few suitcases, called work to let them know that I wouldn't be at work for the next few weeks even though we were on fall break, and tried to decide who to call.
More than anything I wanted Edward. I wanted my husband. I wanted my lover. I wanted my best friend, but he didn't want me at the moment. He was in love with someone else. He wasn't sure if he even wanted me anymore.
I decided to call Rose. Someone needed to know where I was, at the very least, just in case. But then I started thinking that I didn't know what to tell her. Because I knew Rose like I do I knew she'd never just accept that I had left town. I furiously searched for something to tell her as I dialed her number.
"Bella, this is a surprise, I thought you and Edward were out of town." She said with a hint of anxiety in her voice.
"Um, Rose, I just wanted you to know that I'm heading to Portland for a few weeks." I prayed she wouldn't grill me too harsh.
"All by yourself Bella?" She asked curiously.
"Rose, I can't really explain everything right now. But yes, I'm going alone." I felt the tears prickle my eyes and willed them to stay within my eyelids.
"Bella, what the hell is going on? First Jasper calls me on top of the world, now you're ready to leave town alone. And just where the hell is Edward in all of this." Rose asked with the force of a raging mother bear.
"Oh Rose," I fought to hold the sobs back. "A lot has happened but I really think you need to talk to Edward for the answers."
"Bella, honey, are you driving? You're worrying me. Where are you going? Are you safe?" Rose was always the one that looked out for all of us, I felt guilty because I was about to drag her into this mess.
"Rose, I'm fine. A little emotional but I'm okay to drive. I'm going to my Gram's house to sort all this out for myself. I just wanted you to know where I was and I don't always get good cell reception out there. I'll try to keep in touch every couple of days, okay? But I really do not want to talk about it right now." I tried to reassure her and sound strong but I'm sure she could see right through my charade.
"Bella, I don't like the idea of you being there alone. How about I come see you in a few days? Maybe for an overnight visit, a girl's night, okay sweetie?" This is why I loved Rosalie she always knew how to make me feel comforted.
"Sure Rosalie, I'd like that."
"I'll call you tomorrow and we can set it up. I love you Bella, please be careful." I could feel the worry in her voice.
"I'll be fine and I love you to Rose. Bye for now." I quickly hung up for fear that I would break down and need to tell her everything.
I had to get a grip and get out of our house before Edward showed up and I lost my willpower.
Being in our home, where his smell was everywhere, memories of him everywhere. It was crushed my heart and weakened my will to leave. I knew that I had to leave. I knew that I needed the space from him to figure my own issues out, just as he needed to do the same for himself.
Everything I thought my life was, everything I thought my marriage was, everything I thought Edward was is now in doubt, may not have ever been real, and might never be again.
The thought ripped through my heart like a jagged knife tearing it into two.
I finished with my suitcases, packed a book bag full of my favorite books, loaded up my laptop, and a grabbed my favorite photo album. I put everything in my car and debated on whether or not to leave Edward a note. I wasn't sure if he would care or not where I was or when I'd be home but felt like I just couldn't leave without telling him something.
Edward,
I'm not sure if you'll even care but I'm going away for a while. I'm not exactly sure when I'll be back or if I even have a home to come back too. I'll be in contact with you in a few days. But I think its best that we spend some time apart and try to figure out where we both go from here.
I hope that you are okay.
Love, Bella
I let my fingers linger across the paper where I'd written his name. He was my entire world it hurt to breathe, because I knew he was out there in the world and not by my side. I knew that it was my fault that he might never be mine again.
I grabbed a bottle of water, took some aspirin for my headache and packed a few snacks. As I walked out into the garage and saw all of our camping gear stowed neatly in the corner, a fresh round of tears started. We were supposed to go camping with Rosalie and Emmett in a few weeks. Now, I wasn't sure if that would still happen or not.
Nothing in my life had meaning or felt balanced any longer. I felt like I was perched on the edge of a knife while I had to wait to find out if I would be sliced in two.
EPOV ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What the fuck just happened to my life?
I woke up this morning and felt suffocated by the love that surrounded me and now sit here unable to catch a breath as the two loves of my life have walked away from me.
The two loves of my life.
I loved Jasper. I had been so in love with him during the time we were together. Otherwise why would I have allowed myself to have a sexual relationship with him? I was a virgin when I met him. I wasn't a guy that easily gave it up, I believed it had to mean something more than just sex. Now, I looked back on my time with Jasper and I know that it had meant everything. Every memory I had of making love to him, the way he held me in his arms with such care and love, the unspoken minutes that past between us as we laid in bed at night…it was love that floated between us.
Now that I realize this, what does that mean? He's done with me. He's in love with Alice, and I'm in love with Bella.
My Bella.
My wife.
My life.
She's gone. I'm alone. We promised each other that we'd never leave one another, yet here we are.
Alone. Bella doesn't do alone well. Hell, I don't do alone well. And now I have to worry about her being alone who knows where. She is alone isn't she? I don't know where my wife is. That thought pulled the breath out of me. I didn't want Bella to be alone, I wanted her with me, where she belonged. Where I belonged was with her. We belonged to each other.
What the fuck has happened to my life? I put my head in hands as I sat on the edge of the mattress and let the tears fall. I've destroyed everyone around me. I've destroyed myself. I have no idea how to fix it.
I sat there for what felt like hours as I noticed it was starting to get dark outside. I decided to get up and start to get my things together so I could head home. Did I even still have a home? Would Bella expect me to leave? Would she be there?
I wanted to call her. I wanted, no I needed, to hear her voice. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed her number only to hear her voicemail answer. 'Hi, you've reached Bella Cullen, please leave me a message and I'll call you back when I can. Bye'. Hearing her voicemail message ripped a whole through my soul.
I choked up barely able to speak as I left my message. "Bella, I love you baby. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I don't know what's happening but I'm going to fix it, I hope you'll let me. Bye my love."
I'm sure she has cried her eyes out by this point. The thought of her being alone, of her being hurt; it felt like a thousand needles poked into my skin. The pain it caused was agonizing. I stood up and started to pace the room, I tugged at my hair. I had no idea what to do.
I've been so clueless and naïve for so long.
I had never wanted to ask the questions I should have demanded answers to from Jasper.
I had never wanted to face the harsh realities of the hurt I caused my loved ones.
I knew I could be selfish at times. I was an only child, a spoiled only child. I was used to being indulged.
I didn't like conflict. My parents never fought in front of me. I didn't like to hear people yell or scream at each other. I didn't like to be in uncomfortable situations. And when I had to be, I usually slinked back into myself, I always had very little to say or was involved as little as possible.
I had no problems when it came time to stand up for someone else I cared about but an argument, personal disagreements or confrontations where I had to question others or defend myself always made me uneasy.
When I think back on the night that I met Bella, I remembered how sick felt when I realized that Jasper had sat across the table from us all night. He had to watch the attraction blossom between us. I cannot even fathom the pain it caused him, now that I think about it I feel sick. I worry about how it looked to him.
Then that horrid mistake I made in the bathroom. That next day, after we met in the park, I went home and threw up thinking about how repulsive a thing that was for me to do to him. I used his body to quench the thirst building in my body. I used him to satisfy my desires that grew for Bella. That was not my finest hour, for sure.
I shoved the palms of my hands into my eyes, I wanted to push the memories away, to expunge them from mind. Just then I heard a car crunching on the gravel outside, I made my way to front door where I hoped to find that Bella had returned to me. Imagine my surprise when I saw Rosalie get out of her car with a look of sheer determination on her face.
I stood in the door way as she approached, he stopped, put her hands on her hips before she began to speak to me in the angriest tone I'd ever heard from her, "What the fuck did you do Edward?"
I let my chin fall to my chest, shame washed over me in an instant. She softly pulled my chin up, and forced me to look her in the eyes. "Come on, let's go talk." She pushed me back into the Cottage and made her way to the couch where she patted the seat next to her and expected me to join her.
I slowly made my way to her, in fear of what I was going to have to admit to her, how I was going to have to explain everything that had happened and the magnitude of the situation that I was now faced with. Somehow I didn't think this was going to be like my typical conversations with Rosalie.
JPOV
I stopped at my favorite floral shop and picked up a bouquet of Daisies for Alice. I requested that they be wrapped in bold yellow ribbon and placed in a black and white polka dotted vase. Those were Alice's favorite color combinations. I always tease her that it looks like a bumble bee threw up but she would laugh and just say that I don't know fashion. I laughed internally now thinking back on all the fun, silly squabbles that we got into.
My body bounced with anxiety and couldn't wait to get to her but I had a few more stops first. I wanted to get my guitar so I could play a song for her that I've had on my mind ever since she revealed her love to me. It was perfect to describe how I felt about her.
I never thought that I could feel this way about anyone other than Edward. But now that I look back on it, my love for him always felt predestined for heartbreak; whereas my love for Alice feels like it an endless night that I can't wait to begin to share with her.
I won't allow myself to regret my past though. What's done is done and there is no use trying to look back on what could have been. I was ready to just move forward and hopefully I would take those forward steps with Alice by my side.
I loved so much about her and couldn't wait to share my love with her.
After I left the floral shop, went to my apartment and showered, put on the shirt and jeans she always said looked so good on me, grabbed my guitar and set out to walk the few blocks to her condo I was full of nerves again.
What if she didn't want me? What if she had decided that I wasn't worth the trouble? What if her feelings had changed?
Stop it Jasper. You know that Alice loves you. You just have to show her that you love her, too. You have to show her that your heart is hers now, that you are free from the bonds that held you back before.
I made sure to stand a little taller, I know that I can show her my feelings. I just truly hope it isn't too late.
As I turned the corner and saw her front door I wanted to take off running to her but I didn't, I kept a steady pace as I tried to force my heart to stop its trying to escape from my chest. I could feel the smile spread across my face, I knew that she was mere steps away from me jus tbehind that bright red door.
As I stood there on her stoop I waged an internal battle as to whether I should knock or ring the doorbell. I even began to wonder if she was even home as the front door suddenly flew open and a very disheveled Alice standing before me. "Jasper, what? Um, what are you doing here?" she piqued, her eyes roamed my body before they settled on the daisies, then my guitar case and then they slowly rose to meet my eyes. It was then I noticed the wetness of her face, the fluid that still rested in her eyes and the redness of her eyelids. Had she been crying? I quickly made my way into the entryway and set my things on the table just inside the door.
Then I scooped her up in my arms as she threw her arms around my neck in a death grip and her legs came to wrap around my waist.
"Oh Alice, what's wrong baby? Why are you crying?" I held her tightly to me as I felt her warm tears on the side of my neck where her face was now buried. "Baby, you are scaring me, please, please tell me what's wrong?" I begged her while my mind was raced with the possibilities.
"Jasper, I've missed you so much and now you're here and I just….I just…" Her sobs took hold of her and she couldn't speak anymore.
"Shhh baby….shhhh it's okay, I'm here sweetness, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?" I tried to pull her face back a little so I could look into those deep blue orbs of hers. But she had a death grip around me and wouldn't let me pull her loose. I walked over to the couch to sit down and see if I could get her to look at me. I had to know what has her so distraught.
"Alice, baby, I'm here. I'm not about to leave ever again, now please, baby, please look at me and talk to me…." I pulled her to me as tightly as I could to try and reassure her that I meant every word I said. She sobbed a little less and I felt her loosen her grip slightly as she adjusted herself across my lap. When she finally pulled back a little and let me get a good look at her face I was wracked with guilt for her tears.
"Jasper, you're here? You're really, really here? I've missed you so much, Jasper. I'm so sorry I pushed you away…I just…I just …you're my best friend and I don't function without you." She rushed full of trepidation, she never once lifted her eyes to mine as her little hands fisted my shirt over and over.
"Alice" I said, as I lifted her chin and face towards my face so that she would be forced to look at me. "Alice, look at me, please?" She slowly lifted her face to me with her eyes closed until she slowly cracked them open and I could straight through to her soul.
My breath hitched as I saw the sun shining in her eyes, I saw my life lived within the confines of her heart and the power of her devotion soar in the blue grey specks that floated there. "Alice, I'm free, baby, I'm free and my heart is so full of love for you I'm about to burst." I said softly as I lifted her hand to place it over my heart so that she could feel that it was about to pound out of my chest.
She stared at me, a blank expression on her face, her mouth opened and closed before she pressed her hand harder into the beating of my heart. "You….you love me, Jasper?" She blinked a few times and I reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes with my fingers, softly held her face in my hands while I nodded my head.
"Yes, Alice, I'm so in love with you." I whispered out when I really wanted to shout it.
She started to shake her head as she quickly scrambled off my lap while she paced in front of me. This afforded me the opportunity to get a good look at her. She wore one of my t-shirts that hung to her knees her hair was a mess and she had on the cutest little monkey socks that I remembered buying her on our trip to Disneyland. She was a hot mess but she was my hot mess, I thought to myself as a little laugh escaped my lips.
She stopped and stared at me with her a hand on her hip and her head cocked to the side, "What are you laughing at?" She asked with a serious look of confusion on her face.
"You my beautiful Angel, that's what I'm laughing at. You're positively the most delectable creature I have ever laid eyes on." I crawled off the couch onto my hands and knees, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tight against me. "Alice, I love you. Please say that you love me too." I pleaded as I looked up at her, anxiously I waited for her to hand me my fate.
She slowly lowered a hand to my cheek while the other moved the hair from my eyes before she spoke in a voice so tiny I almost thought I dreamt it, "I am so in love with you Jasper Whitlock. I can't breathe without you. I've been so scared that you would never come back to me." She confessed to me as fresh tears made their appearance in her eyes.
I nuzzled my face into her stomach as I felt a tear trickle down my face. I felt at home, I knew that I was in the arms of my love.
BPOV
As I pulled my car out of the garage and watched the garage door shut I had to fight to breathe. This was my home, this was Edward's home….this was our house. We had worked so hard to make it just like we wanted it. It was our haven, our shelter, our escape from the world where we could spend hours or even days lost in each other. We were so proud of this house when his parents gave it to us as a wedding present.
We spent hours going through paint colors, furniture, countertops, every single nook and cranny in that house had our handprints on it…not mine, not his but ours. We did all of it together. We did everything together.
Maybe that's why I felt so completely torn in half and had felt that way since I walked out of the Cottage.
My other half was missing and I didn't know if he was ever going to come back. What the hell was I going to do?
Before I met Edward, I had barely existed.
That's how my whole life had been. I was an only child, born to a set of eighteen year old parents who didn't love each other much less like each other and neither of them were too keen on having a child. Until I was almost five years old my mother and I had lived with my Gram in Portland. Renee, my mother, and Charlie, my dad, had met at a party in Seattle and had a summer fling. In late August my mom discovered she was pregnant, Charlie fled back to Forks, Washington and made himself scarce.
Renee tried to raise me but she really couldn't be bothered with a baby and my Gram was my caregiver. Right before I was to start school Renee decided we needed to move back to Seattle so she could be with her new boyfriend, Phil. I missed my Gram but she and Renee had a fight about the fact that she wanted to take me with her to Seattle. We didn't see Gram that much anymore after that so when Renee needed a break, she sent me to Forks to stay with Charlie.
Charlie worked as a Police Officer and had a new wife and two step-children; he didn't really enjoy having me around as a reminder of his misguided youth. My stepsiblings didn't really like me around much either. I was quiet and mousy and preferred to be locked in a room with a good book rather than swimming on the beach or playing with the kids on the reservation with them.
Renee and Phil moved to Florida when I was eleven about the same time that Charlie and his wife had a baby and literally had no room for me in their lives or their house. I was allowed to go back to Portland and live with my Gram. It was truly the only place that I felt at home.
Gram died shortly after I graduated from High School and left me her house. Renee only showed up long enough to find out that there was very little inheritance and it all went to me, to include the house.
I struggled to maintain the house during my first two years of College but I was bound and determined to keep up with it. It was the only real home I'd ever had and I couldn't let it go. Once Edward and I were officially together, he helped me work on it and get it fixed up. It was like a little retreat for us when we wanted to get out of the city and it gave me peace of mind that I had a safe haven of my own to turn to.
It was never my intent to use it as a safety net but that's exactly what it was to me right now.
I hadn't talked to either of my parents since before my wedding. Edward and I flew out to Florida before we got engaged and had a great time no thanks to Renee. Phil was nice enough but Renee was a piece of work, she pretty much told everyone that I was her little sister. She refused to acknowledge that she was old enough to be my mother. When she didn't show up for the wedding or my college graduation, it sealed her fate completely for me. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, at this point.
Charlie on the other hand, his wife Sue has worked really hard to try and bring the two of us closer but I just feel it's too little too late. I think she regrets that she did not encourage him to interact with me more when I was younger, especially now that her two kids are losers. Nessie is the only one out of that family that I really have a relationship with. She's my little sister and I adore her. Thanks to Sue, I've been able to establish and maintain a relationship with Nessie. She even came and stayed with Edward and me for a week last summer.
She adores Edward and follows him around like a lost puppy. He ate that shit right up too. They got to be very close and I loved that she has him in her life.
Now, what if I've destroyed that?
Stupid, stupid Bella, somehow always messed up everyone's lives; it's not bad enough that I screwed up my own life by being born but now I've gone and screwed up the lives of my husband, my friends and my baby sister.
It's no wonder I've lost Edward. Who could ever love me?
EPOV
"I'm not going to bite, Edward. Have a seat." Rose smiled at me, her eyes softened a bit.
I walked around and sat down as I made sure to keep room between us. I decided to bite first.
"Rose, I fucked it all up." I said as I let my head fall to the back of the couch. I couldn't help the wetness that clouded my eyes as it made its threat to spill over.
"Tell me Edward, how and why you have fucked it all up." Rosalie calmly asked.
"I don't even know where to start." I resigned, as I took a deep breath. I figured now was as good a time as any so I sat up and turned to face her. I thought to myself there's no better way to do this than to just face her head on.
"At the beginning, Edward, just start at the beginning." Rose said while she reached across and held my hand.
"A few weeks ago Jasper approached Bella and me at Melt. We went for coffee where he proceeded to tell us that he was still in love with me, that he had never stopped loving me and that he wanted to have sex with me to get over our relationship because he is now in love with Alice." I hastily told her. "Of course Bella and I had to talk about all of this and think it over. In the end we decided to go through with it. Bella and Jasper became very close during the whole set up, I think their friendship is even tighter than even Jasper and I used to have." I softly chuckled as I remembered the happiness it brought me to see them bond before I had the opportunity to see the images of Bella taking Jasper that always halted in my mind.
"Fuck!" I screamed as I stood up from the couch and paced around the coffee table. "I don't know how everything got so screwed up, but of course, it did and it's entirely my fault." I tugged on my hair as I tried to recall exactly what precipitated this downfall. Had I acted unsavory? Had I given them a reason to gang up on me like they had?
"I don't know Ro, I really don't but somehow I wound up tied to a bed where I confessed my love to Jasper while Bella sobbed in the background and the next thing I know they're both gone and here you are." I waved my hands around and my voice sounded frantic as I spoke. It was like verbal diarrhea the way that words spewed from my mouth.
"Edward, what do you mean you were tied to a bed and confessed that you loved Jasper? Are you in love with Jasper?" Rosalie asked as she threw her hands up with a look of fire and damnation on her face. "I mean really Edward? You've been in love with Bella from the moment you laid eyes on her and now all of the sudden you're in love with Jasper?"
She was pissed. Rosalie was always fiercely protective of her family and friends and she adores Bella. I can't imagine that she hasn't already spoken to Bella.
"Ro, no, I'm not in love with Jasper. I love Bella. She is my life. They forced me to realize that I was in love with Jasper three years ago. I dropped down onto the couch in frustration. That I've always loved him and when it hit me, I had a bit of a break down. Bella was caught in the crossfire." My head fell down in my hands and I wanted to sob again. I glanced up at Rose as I continued to speak. "Ro, it was like I had tunnel vision, I didn't see her, and I was only seeing Jasper in that moment. FUCK, she's gone….she left and she probably thinks that I don't love her anymore and that I don't want her anymore. I just don't know how to fix it." I let the tears spill forth as I rubbed my hand over my chest where my broken heart resided. The pain in my chest was brutally painful, like my heart was being crushed in a vice-grip.
I cried for Bella. I could only imagine the hurt and devastation that she had felt since she heard me scream my feelings for Jasper aloud.
How am I supposed to fix this? I voiced these feelings to her, "Rose, I don't know how to fix this." I felt her as she sat down on the couch next me, her small hand dropped to my knee before she said, "Edward, for once in your life, this isn't about you. This is about the people you love and care about and you have to put your hurt and wants aside. You have to do what is best for them." Rose softly demanded. When I didn't answer or acknowledge her, she pulled my head out of my hands, grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. Her eyes were soft but full of anger.
"Edward, I love you, you know that." I nodded at her because I just didn't trust my voice to deliver my answer. "But you don't pay attention to the world around you, you live in your own version of tunnel-vision, you always have." Her eyes searched mine, for anger or defiance at her statement. However, I would show her none. I had none, the only anger I felt was for myself. When I didn't recognize her statement, she continued. "Let's start with Alice, if you want to start at the real beginning, okay." Rose held my eyes, a clear look of steel shining in her eyes.
"Alice?" I questioned.
"Yes, Edward. Alice. She was crazy in love with you and you turned your back on her for Tanya. That skanky bitch Tanya drove your best friend away and you acted as if you could have cared less. She just up and left town and you barely batted an eyelash." I blinked my eyes several times, I was confused as a newborn baby.
I was blindsided by this information. Rose gave no pause, she continued without pause. "Sure, you questioned me about it but then you acted as if you had forgotten all about her. She was my best friend, too and you never tried to comfort me. I lost her too Edward and you didn't give a shit about me or my loss." I saw a tear form in Rosalie's eye and felt the guilt set into my bones.
I knew I was a total shit to Alice about the whole Tanya ordeal. Alice and I had been best friends since we came out of the womb, I never really considered that she might like me as anything more than a friend until that day she came to see me. When she started crying and told me about what had happened with Tanya, I didn't want to hear it. Tanya gave good head and I was horny that day, I remember being annoyed with Alice.
Tanya had teased me all damn day and I looked forward to what she would do when she showed up before my parents got home. I didn't want Alice and Tanya in a fight because then I'd have to sit around and console Tanya instead of her lips wrapped around my dick as she sucked me off.
Yeah, I truly was a selfish bastard.
"Rose, why didn't you tell me about this back then?" I questioned her, a bit angry at the fact that she hadn't told me.
"Edward, it wasn't my place to tell you. You know that's not how I operate. I keep secrets, I don't share them. Besides, what good would it have done? Tanya kept you so wound up back then you didn't know whether you were coming or going." Rosalie shrugged her shoulders at me as I started to pace again. She had a point, I was wrapped tightly around Tanya's finger back then.
"So what does this have to do with our situation now? I'm not in love with Alice, Jasper is. I can't change something that happened over five years ago." I all but screamed at her. I was frustrated, I was confused and I wasn't seeing how all of this could help me fix my current problems.
"Edward you don't see it yet, you're still worried about yourself. Stop for a minute and think about how what I just told you is relevant to the current situation that includes Alice." Rose barked at me as she threw her hands up in the air. "I'm going to get something to drink, do you want anything?" She asked as I shook my head at her, my brain already deep in thought as to how Alice back then could be involved to my situation now.
As I paced, it dawned on me that Alice might have still had feelings for me when I met Bella. Damn, that's why she stopped being friends with Bella. Fuck. Another thing to feel guilty about as Bella had been heartbroken when Alice abandoned her.
I vaguely recall what a bitch I thought Alice was being that night at the restaurant.
Shortly after Jasper and I split Alice became friends with him. How did that happen? Were Jasper and Alice huddled up together as they commiserated with one another. Double fuck, I can only imagine the bitch fest that they had about me and my selfishness. But Jasper had assured me that he hadn't told Alice about us. So why were they friends?
Rosalie. She would have pushed them together. That's how she is, how she orchestrates things. She would have known both of their heartbreak and pulled them together to keep them in the dark about the other.
"Ro, does Alice know about Jasper and I?" I bluntly asked as she walked back into the living room.
She gave me a knowing smirk as she got comfy on the couch before she replied, "Not unless he's told her in the last three hours."
"Wow, he really didn't tell her." I looked to Rose as she nodded her head giving me confirmation.
"Does she love Jasper?" I silently begged for this to be the case. "Ro, she deserves to be happy and I know Jasper, he'll make her very happy. Because Lord knows he deserves some happiness after all that I've put him through." I cringed as I thought of how hard these past few years must have been on him as he watched me as I got everything I ever wanted out of life.
The whole time he silently suffered while reveled in my happiness, I mean I had a great job, a new house and Bella. All the while he carried a broken heart full of unrequited love for me even though he had Alice by his side. I felt sick.
"Edward, she's been in love with him for the past year. He was too clouded with his love for you to notice and until he figured out how to get you out of his system, he wasn't ever going to be able to see her clearly." Rose stated rather matter of fact.
"So Alice doesn't know that Jasper's in love with her?" I questioned.
A big toothy grin lit up Rosalie's face as she looked at me, "Oh, I'm sure that she knows his feelings now and I hope they can work through all this garbage and figure out what I've known all along."
"What have you known all along, Ro?" She always did this shit, she was truly a keeper of secrets and once something went into that vault of hers, it didn't come out easily.
"That they are made for each other. But they had to see it for themselves. I couldn't just tell them. Besides, they were both still so hung up on you that their heartache is what bonded them, even though they didn't realize it. So, in a way, you are responsible for them both being together now." She replied as she gave me a smug smile.
"Wow." I stood up and resumed my path across the floor. I tried, to figure out what my next step should be.
"Where does that leave me?" I asked quietly.
"I think you need to start with an apology to Alice. bI think that you and Jasper need to sit down and explain a few matters to her. She needs to hear it from the two of you, together." I closed my eyes and tried to picture Jasper and I as we attempted to explain this to Alice.
"She's going to hate me for what I did to him, if she doesn't already hate me for what I've done to her." I admitted.
"Edward, I don't think you're a factor for her anymore. She's been over you for quite some time. Alice was ready to move on, she's worked on repairing her relationship with Bella, which hasn't been easy. She loves Bella and misses her friendship, too. You on the other hand will face her wrath for what you've put Jasper through, of that I'm pretty certain." She laughed at me while she shook her head in mirth at me.
"How do we set this up Ro, I haven't talked to Alice in over a year. I can't just waltz back into her life now." I was actually a little scared of the thought that I had to approach Alice, to be honest. I had a long way to go in my atonement but I knew I had to start here, as it was truly the beginning of all of the fucked-up-ness that was my life, like Rosalie stated.
"I'll set it up. But I really think that you and Jasper need to sit down and talk first. I'm going to set up dinner for Jasper and I tomorrow night, and you will conveniently show up." This brought on a fresh wave of nausea, the thought of having to sit down with Jasper. He was NOT happy with me when he left here this morning.
God it hadn't even been a full day yet it felt like a year had already passed.
Then I remembered that if Jasper was with Alice and Rosalie was with me then my Bella was all alone. I couldn't stop the tears as they fell from in my eyes. Only Bella could cause this type of reaction immediately like this. "Rosalie, please tell me you know that Bella is safe." I begged her with my eyes to tell me what she knew.
"She was a little scattered when I talked to her, but I will make sure that she stays safe, Edward. Emmett was on his way to keep an eye on her, actually. He loves playing secret agent, he's such a big kid and he loved the thought that he gets to tail her without her knowledge. But, yes, Edward, she is as safe as she can be without you to protect her." She softened a bit in her position, seemingly relieved to have finally told me about Bella.
"Thank you, Rosalie, you always take such good care of us. I can't tell you how happy I am that she is safe, especially because I can't be there to protect her. Did she go to Grams?" I asked trying to seem sly.
"Edward, if and when she wants you to know where she is, she will tell you. So please, give her some space and time to deal with everything that has happened." She sighed and scooted closer to me as she put her arm around me. She pulled me to her she said gently, "I know that you love her but Bella needs to figure out some of her own issues, Edward. The two of you are extremely co-dependent. In a way, this is a good thing for both of you. It gives you both some time to figure things out that neither of you could have done so wrapped up in each other."
"I love her so much Ro, I can't lose her…it would destroy me." I broke down again I couldn't even imagein my life without her in it. I hugged Rosalie tight to me and just let the pain wash over me.
As she patted my back, trying to soothe me she whispered, "I know Edward, I know you love her. We'll figure this all out, sweetie."
We sat there for a good long while as I cried before Rose finally told me it was time to pack up and head home. "You can stay with me tonight since Emmett is on the road with your wife," she nudged my shoulder, "We'll have our own little triangle going on before too long." She chuckled out. I knew she wanted to make me laugh but it fell flat, I just couldn't laugh right now.
I got up and checked the Cottage one last time to make sure that we hadn't left anything behind, physically. Emotionally was a whole different story.
Later as I drove away I knew that I had left so much within those walls. So many parts of me, parts that will forever hold love, lust and regret. But I knew that I had to make amends to my friends and above all else remind my wife that she is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to my life.
As the sun set on the horizon and the darkness took over I only hoped that I could become the man truly worthy of her love once again.
Chapter 11
Just before I got to the edge of town I decided to pull into a convenience store to grab a few things including a pack of smokes. I hadn't smoked in ages but today felt like a good time to start again.
After I got my items and was about to get into my car I thought that I saw Emmett walking around the parking lot talking on his cell phone. I quickly jumped into my car and took off, I hoped he hadn't seen me. I quickly got back on the road, cranked up the radio, lit a cigarette and set the cruise control. The sun had already started to set and I wanted to try and make it to Grams before it got too dark. The house was pretty well isolated and I didn't like being out in the dark once I got there.
I cracked the window and flicked my smoke as Pink's 'So What' came on the radio. I blasted that song and sang as loud as I could to the words. How appropriate, she lost her husband, too, I thought to myself.
I laughed aloud at the irony of it all. I took another drag of my smoke. As the nicotine settle in my lungs, I felt free and strangely in control. My brain spun in a thousand different directions but mainly it wanted to know, what the fuck had I been doing to end up in this situation where I was once again pushed out of the way?
Maybe it was me, not them. I mean this seems to be a pattern or something.
I stopped that thought as it formed in my head.
I WAS worth something.
I MATTERED to someone.
I had a group of friends. I had a decent job. I was about to graduate with a Master's degree. I made something of my life and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life.
So if that wasn't enough for Edward then fuck him.
Fuck Jasper too, for that matter.
Both of them had played me. I felt so stupid, like I had gone into this as a naïve little girl and now I was a grown ass woman. Well, they can both kiss my ass. I didn't need them.
Did I? I immediately questioned.
Fuck.
Yes, I needed them both. As I took another drag of my cigarette I pondered why I needed Jasper. I mean, I've resented him for so long. It was never his fault. He was just a pawn in the game, just like I was. Over the short time that we had been in contact again, Jasper had become the older brother I'd always wanted. I grew to love him in a short time and I knew that he and I would be friends forever.
Edward had played us all.
Fuck. Edward was so …he was sooo….selfish. I'd never really thought that about him before. But now that I look back over this whole situation I realized that this all came about because he was selfish.
He had amazing sex with me anytime, pretty much anywhere he wanted. His cock's calls never went unanswered or unsatisfied. My body was his to do with as he pleased, and he did it often and however he wanted.
I finished my cigarette while I thought back over how my relationship with Edward had always been so easy.
It was like breathing, it just happened. While I never felt like I had missed out on anything, I realize now that I allowed Edward to dictate what our needs and wants were and how they should be met. I never really told him no, at that time there wasn't much that he'd brought up that I hadn't wanted for us, too.
But now I realize that there were times when I had wanted to say no but felt as though Edward knew what he was doing and I should just go along with it. One instance came to mind, babies. I wasn't ready to have a baby yet, I wasn't finished with school yet and I wanted to have a career at least started before I tried to have a baby. But Edward had already begun to suggest that we start to try for one.
Edward and I don't fight much, but this topic had become a sore spot for us both. I couldn't really talk to Rosalie about it as I knew that she and Emmett had been trying for a while but nothing had happened yet. I didn't want to make it seem that I was throwing this in her face. I also didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to Alice about it, either. While we had both taken steps to work on repairing our friendship, still, I felt like any subject that had to do with Edward was off limits. Therefore, Esme was really the only one I had talked to about this issue. She told me that I had to share this with Edward and tell him my feelings. He never really seemed to listen or even want to listen.
I lit another cigarette, cranked up some Katy Perry and tried to forget that I was alone and I didn't know where my husband was. I was so angry with him. I didn't want to worry about him. I didn't want to think about him as he cried when I walked out the door. I hadn't turned my phone on since I left the house, I wonder if he's even called to check on me. I didn't want to know. If he had called, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he had to say. And if hadn't called…. well… I really didn't want to think about that scenario.
I popped the cap on my can of Mountain Dew, took a drag off my smoke and jammed out to music, my only goal right now was to drown the noise in my head.
JPOV
I woke up with a smile on my face because Alice was still in my arms. She lay on top of me as we were stretched out on her couch. Our intentions were to just lay there and talk. We did for a long time but after a while exhaustion took over and we both fell asleep. I can't lie, I felt serenity that I hadn't before when I had her wrapped up in my arms. I pulled her just a little tighter to me. I breathed her in and kissed her forehead. I still had so much to tell her but I had wanted tonight to be about happiness and just about us.
As I lay there and watched her sleep I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I attempted to pull it out without disturbing Alice I knew it had to be either Rose or Edward. I was hoped for Rosalie.
I couldn't help the smile that passed across my face as I answered the phone, "Hey Rose."
"Hi Jasper, sorry to bother you but we need to make plans for dinner tomorrow night. There is a lot we need to discuss." Nothing but business resided in her tone of voice.
"Um, yea, sure. What did you have in mind?" I tried to answer as casually and quietly as possible.
"My place, seven o'clock but don't bring Alice. I know it'll be hard Jasper, but you and I need to talk before we bring her into this mess, agreed?" Again, there was nothing but seriousness in her tone.
I tried not to let my nerves take over while I sat up a smidge and said, "Yes, Rosalie, I agree. I'll be there, don't worry." I paused for a minute before adding, "Have you talked to Bella or Edward?"
She let out a long sigh before she spoke, "Yes, Jasper, I've taken care of them both." She paused then softened her voice as she asked, "How is Alice? Did you tell her?"
"She's perfect, Rose, yes, I told her. But she's asleep so I'm gonna let you go for now. I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?" I felt Alice start to stir so I rubbed her back in soothing circles.
"Okay, Jas, see you tomorrow. Love you."
"Love you too, bye now." I said before I snapped the phone shut. I couldn't help myself my only thought was to get her closer tome so I dropped it to floor and pulled Alice tighter against me. I loved the feel of her little body smushed up against mine. She made me feel like a giant, in more ways than one, and I was glad that I felt like I could protect her.
When I saw her cry, heard the trepidation in her voice, it ripped my heart apart…only to be re-sewn when she confessed her love for me again.
Suddenly her head popped up and her sleepy beaming blue eyes blinked repeatedly. She looked up at me.
I couldn't stop the smile that formed before I replied, "Yes, baby, I really am here." I leaned down and kissed her forehead as a smile crept across her face.
"Mmmmm, I was having the most delicious dream that you were here and I opened my eyes and here you are," Joy radiated.
We sat in silence for a few minutes before she pulled up to sit on my thighs, "Jasper, where have you been? How did all this happen?" She asked as she gestured between the two of us.
I let out a long breath and knew that it was time to come clean with Alice. "There is a lot to tell you Alice and I want to tell you everything but right now, I'm not even sure where I should start, as some of the story would really be better told by someone else." I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the range of emotions that I knew would fly across her face.
"Jasper, why would someone else need to tell me your story? We've been best friends for almost three years and you've already shared so much with me. Why can't YOU just tell me?" I could hear the frustration in her voice already as she tensed up and moved off my legs.
"Alice, it's not that I don't want to tell you but this story involves someone from your past and it's up to them to explain a few things to you. I will answer all the questions I can without giving you detailed specifics until this person has had a chance to settle things with you first." I felt like shit for the half-assed explanation.
"Jasper, I just want the truth. I've never felt like you were lying to me or that I couldn't trust you. So I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt on this please don't let it come back to bite me in the ass."
"Alice, I love you. I don't ever want to hurt you or see the pain in your eyes like I did when I walked in here earlier." I grabbed her face and leaned my forehead to hers. "I will tell you everything and I'll answer all of your questions truthfully and honestly, but I need a little time."
Alice sighed, pulled back from me and gave me a stern look before she said, "I'll give you a little time but don't keep me waiting to long." She sat back on the end of the couch, pulled her hands around her waist and avoided my eyes.
I sat all the way up, ran my hand through my hair and scooted towards her. "Alice, look at me," I tugged her chin up as her eyes slowly pull up to me. "I want you to know that I am yours, only yours and I WILL tell you everything. Do you want to talk now?"
Alice nodded her head, crawled into my lap, she put her hands around my neck, and leaned down to place a soft kiss to my lips. I smiled into the kiss and she pulled back giggling. "You are mine?" she asked curiously. "I mean, you show up here after months of being away from me, leaving me thinking that I'd lost you forever….I'm just a little overwhelmed."
I gripped her hips, and shifted her slightly closer to me. This closer drove my cock crazy but I wanted her this close. I needed to feel her body this close. "Baby, you never lost me, I just had to close some doors and I felt like I needed to pull back from you and sort out my head. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I will spend the rest of my days trying to make up for the hurt I've caused you." I told her with the deepest amount of sincerity.
I immediately saw the tears that formed in Alice's eyes and pulled her face to mine as my hands splayed on both her cheeks. "Don't cry again, baby. Your tears are like knives stabbing my heart because I know that I put them there. I never want to be the cause of your pain again. Please, Alice, tell me what I can do to make this better for you and help you understand?" I closed my eyes and breathed in her scent. I relished her for all the large and small ways she completed me.
"Open up to me and tell me about your past. I want to know your heart. I mean you already knew who I had to get over and what I had to put behind me before I realized it was you that I loved. I want to believe that you are over your ex, but I've seen the hurt you've carried for the past three years….its just…." She paused and whispered, "its hard to believe that you aren't carrying that hurt anymore." Her honesty astounded me and I understood what she felt. It even seemed odd to me that Edward no longer held my heart. I had to find a way to assure her that I was over him, for good this time.
I ran my hands up and around her neck. My fingers rubbed soothing lines, as my eyes made their way up to her eyes. It was mostly a stall tactic, as I stared up in into her eyes wondered.
Fuck Jasper, just suck it up and spill your heart to her, make her understand.
I dug deep and began to explain because she was my whole world and I wouldn't let a few years of what I thought was love stop the real thing I had in front of me now. "Okay, Alice….here's as much of the truth as I can tell you. I met someone in the beginning of my Sophomore year at UW. I instantly fell in love with them. We had a brief relationship, I always knew that their heart wasn't mine to keep. That didn't stop me from falling fast and deep. Then, just like that, it was over." I breathed deeply.
"They were gone." I shrugged and felt the finality of it all again but for some reason while I held Alice close to me, it seemed like the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. So I continued with less anger or pain in my voice as I told the next part.
"Instantly into the arms of another. They left me with a shattered heart. I feel like I've wandered through the broken pieces of my heart for the past few years….I never allowed myself to move forward,I never allowed myself to feel anything but the hurt and rejection. I was completely closed off from the world." I stopped, closed my eyes, just allowed myself to breathe her in, her scent, her tension, hearing her heartbeat…it filled my senses and brought me back to the present.
I opened my eyes and looked directly into her. I needed her to see that I meant the words that I spoke. "That was before you woke me from that long, deep slumber."
"That was before you showed me how to live again."
"Before you forced me to realize what I'd known all along."
"I'd fallen in love with you I just didn't have my heart open to notice that you were right in front me." Each sentence was punctuated with a slight squeeze to her hips, it was partly because I was nervous to air my past but the other part was because I just had to touch her. I needed her that much.
EPOV
While I drove back towards Seattle, alone, I had too much time to think.
Too much time to reassess everything that had happened.
Too much time to crave Bella and worry about her.
Too much time to think about Jasper and how I needed to sit down and talk to him.
Fuck! I screamed but and no one heard my frustration.
No one heard me because I had screwed up my life and I was alone.
I've always strived to be a good person, but somehow, right now, I felt like the biggest dick there ever was.
As I started to get closer to our house, I felt sick to my stomach. Would she be there? Would she talk to me?
I'm dying to see her, to touch her and talk to her. I felt like I couldn't breathe without her.
I turned onto our street, our house was just as we'd left it. That was until I opened the garage and saw her car gone. My heart dropped out of my chest.
She's gone. She isn't here.
I pulled in, turned off the car and gathered my stuff, closed the garage and prepared to go inside. I knew she wasn't there but it I still dreaded walking through that door. This house was our sanctuary.
OURS.
Mine and Bella's.
I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my weary eyes. I walked through the door from the garage in to the living room. The first thing I noticed was our Wedding picture that sat on the mantle. I walked over and picked it up, my fingers lingered over Bella's face. We both loved this picture. We were outside in the garden, during the reception at my parent's house, after the wedding….the photographer caught us having a moment.
Every time I look at this picture, I go straight back to that feeling I had that's now frozen in time.
My heart felt like it was ready to shatter into a million pieces as a tear drop fell from my face and hit the glass of the frame. "Oh Bella, what have I done to us?" I asked out loud to no one.
I decided to take the picture with me, it made me feel a little closer to Bella. As I walked toward the hall to grab some clothes I noticed a note on the bar. Bella's messy handwriting was even more of mess. I fell to the floor on my knees after reading what Bella wrote.
She thinks that I don't want her? That I don't love her anymore?
A loud sob escaped my mouth at the same time that my phone beeped.
"Bella." I screamed. I hoped with every ounce in me that it was her.
Scrambling to pull my phone from my pocket I didn't even check caller id before I answered, "Baby I love you."
"Edward, it's Rose. Get your ass over here. NOW. Get your stuff and get out of that house. Do you hear me? Do not make me come get you." Fuck it all to hell, it wasn't my wife. She doesn't think I want her, why would she be calling me.
"Sure, Rosalie." I said as my voice grappled to sound coherent.
"Good. I expect you here in fifteen minutes. I ordered food. Don't make me wait." She barked out at me challenging me to be defiant.
"See ya in a bit." I said as I hung up the phone and got up to get my bag together. As I walked into our bedroom Bella's scent was everywhere. I walked to our bed and grabbed her pillow, it found its way to my nose so I could inhale her fragrance.
"God, I miss you, baby. I'll do whatever it takes to bring you home." I vowed to her. I know she couldn't hear me but I meant it, still.
BPOV
I pulled into the driveway just before the last of the sun dipped below the horizon. I had a few minutes to gather my stuff and get inside before darkness surrounded me. I had smoked half a pack and finished off two Mountain Dews so I knew I'd be wired for a while. I grabbed my bags and found the spare keys in my glove compartment, got out and quickly locked up my car. When I opened the front door to the house I still half expected to hear Gram calling out from the kitchen that she was in there. I missed her so much and never more so than right now.
I missed my husband. The tears were hard to fight back as I went around the house pulling coverlets off furniture and cracking a few windows to air out the place. Esme had helped me find a cleaning service that came once a month to keep up with the house but that didn't stop the musky smell of stillness in the air. My stomach made a loud protest about the lack of real food that I had forgotten to provide throughout this shitty day.I realized that we hadn't stocked the pantry before we left here last time so I decided to order a pizza for dinner.
I turned on my phone and was instantly hit with the numerous beeps from the missed calls and texts. I had a text from Rosalie and another from Jasper, both only wanted to check in with me. I decided to text them back later, I didn't want to bother with it right now. I had a missed call from Edward and apparently he had left a voicemail. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it yet, so I just looked up the pizza place phone number and ordered my dinner.
I took my bags upstairs and unpacked my things, changed my clothes and grabbed my bag with my laptop, books and picture albums. I don't know why I felt like I needed to bring them with me as there were pictures of Edward and I all over this house. My only excuse was that they brought me some sense of security.
These pictures were our life together. Vacation pictures, momentous occasion pictures, goofball pictures…..memories captured on film that reminded me that Edward had loved me once upon a time. I settled on the couch, grabbed a smoke, a glass of wine and flipped through page after page. Some of them brought on a fresh round of tears. Some of them made me laugh out loud. All of them brought me yearning and heartache.
I picked up my cell phone to listen to my voicemail. I hoped it was Edward's voice to soothe my ache. After I heard his message and the distress in his voice, I couldn't stop the tears. Snot ran from my nose, sobs loudly escaped my mouth, my eyes so full of wetness that I couldn't see to get the door when I heard the knock.
I grabbed my wallet and went to greet the pizza guy. I hoped that I wiped all of my snot off my nose with my sleeve at the same time I attempted to dry my eyes with the other hand. But when I pulled back the door the last person I expected to see stood there and I gasped in surprise.
EPOV
As I drove to Rose and Emmett's house I tried to calm my nerves. I didn't want to panic over the fact that I still hadn't heard from Bella. It killed me a little more inside as each hour came and went and I didn't know where she was. I was going to try and get Rose to tell me where she was and I knew that wouldn't be an easy task. Rosalie could be tough as nails when she wanted to be and she was fiercely protective of Bella.
I pulled into the drive way and let out a long breath before I grabbed my things and headed to the door. "Its about damn time you got here. I was going to come to look for you." Rose chimed.
"Back off Ro, really, I'm having a hard day." I growled at her.
"Excuse me." She all but yelled at me.
"You heard me, Rosalie. Can you just lay off me for a bit?" I looked at her, stood defensively with my shoulders raised in a high shrug and anger plastered across my face.
"Fuck you, Edward. This is your mess but I'm the one having to spend a night without my husband as he watches over your wife. I'm the one having to put up with your emo ass. I'm the one trying to smooth things over for you with Jasper. I'm the one that has to comfort Alice as she is left in the dark, again.
So…Fuck….You….EDWARD." She enunciated my name as she glared at me, hands on her hips and daggers that shot from her eyes at me.
I could tell this little standoff wasn't going to work in my favor but I wasn't going to back down. I needed to think, clear my head and figure out how to get Bella to come home. I didn't need Rosalie giving me her shit, too.
"Ro, don't you think I know all that….and don't think it's not appreciated. But fuck, can't you just cut me a little fucking slack?" I turned to head down the hall to put my bags in the guest room as I heard her follow me.
"Edward, you truly are the most selfish prick I've ever met." I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with the venomous anger that seeped in the tone of her voice.
I dropped my bags and turned to see that she stood with a hand stretched across each side of the door frame. We stood in silence staring each other down for a few minutes before I finally conceded and sat on the edge of the mattress, I rested my head in my hands and Rose just stood there.
"Edward, you seriously have a lot to learn if this is the attitude you're going to come in here with. Maybe you're better off being alone for a while if you think that you need me to back off." She spit at me and turned to walk down the hall. She stopped a few steps out, called out over her shoulder, "Come talk to me when you are ready to man up and face reality."
I sat there for a few minutes. I was so damn angry. I needed to get my anger under control. I came to Rose for help, like I had done my whole life and I don't remember her ever talking to me so hateful. FUCK! Just another fucking part of my life I've fucked up. I tugged on my hair, got up and went to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face and dried it off. As I stood there looking in the mirror at myself I wondered how I was going to fix this absolutely chaotic fucked up situation I'd gotten into. I knew no matter what I had to have Rose on my side to accomplish anything.
With my deep breath, clarity came to me. I knew that I had to go make this right with Ro first. I walked into the living room to see that she set out plates and utensils for us to eat. I approached her with my hands shoved into my pockets, as I attempted to sound sincere as I said, "I'm sorry Ro, really I am. I am truly grateful for all that you do for me and everyone else. I'm just very overwhelmed but I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"No, Edward, you shouldn't have." She huffed and grabbed a bottle of water for each of us out of the fridge.
"I'm tired, Edward, cleaning up after you is turning into a full time job and you aren't paying me enough." Her lack of laughter at her own joke didn't escape my notice.
"Fuck, Ro, I don't know where to even start to fix any of this mess. But please will you help me?" I begged. I looked up to see that she stood there stared at me, it was like she was seeing me for the first time in a really long time.
"Yes, Edward, I'll help you but you should know that it's because I love Bella, Jasper and Alice more than I even like you at the moment." She let out a deep sigh before she walked around the bar to sit beside where I sat. Rosalie rubbed her hands over her temples before she turned to me with a look of bitterness that brewed in her eyes. "I have always felt like I needed to take care of you as you seem to just naturally be a bumbling idiot most of the time. But Edward, seriously, it's time for you to start to handle your own shit, ya know?"
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and slowly let it out before opening my eyes. Rosalie stared at me with nothing but love shining through her crystal blue eyes. "I know," I whispered.
I sat down next to her and thought about all that she had done for me all these years and how now I needed to do what was right and make it up to her by doing something right for a change. "Help me? I honestly do not know how to resolve any of this. But Rose, I have to get Bella back. I feel like I can't breathe without her." I absent-mindedly started to rub my chest over my heart as I tried to calm the hurt radiated. "I have to get her back, I just…I just don't work without her." I couldn't stop the sob that ripped through me.
"You will Edward, you just have to fix the other stuff first then we'll concentrate on you getting Bella back. First, you have to settle things with Jasper and Alice. And by the way, what possessed you to take Jasper up on his offer? I mean, really, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?" Rose almost shrieked at me.
"Honestly, Ro, I thought I was helping Jasper out. I didn't PLAN for all of this to happen. Maybe I didn't think this through as thoroughly as I thought I had. And fuck Rose, Bella was excited about it. Jasper sprung this on me and then…and then …fuck, I still wanted him. I should have known."
I got up and paced the floor, my hands tugged savagely at my hair. I remembered that night in the diner and how angry I was at the idea of this whole idea. I remembered how conflicted I was because part of me still wanted Jasper, how I still got hard as I thought of him naked and then how absolutely devastated I was when Bella fucked him and took away my claim on him. "Fuck." I stopped and gripped my head even harder. I sank to my knees, tried to steady my breathing and let the tears fall.
I had loved Jasper so completely. I had been horribly ignorant of his feelings and his heart. I cannot even begin to imagine how shattered he had to have been as he sat back and watched me with Bella.
"Rosalie, how bad was it for Jasper?" I whispered. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, as I prepared for the worst.
"It was bad, Edward. He was completely head over heels in love with you. And you discarded of him so easily. He didn't function. He went through the motions. He closed himself off for the longest time." Rosalie didn't hold anything back in her description of Jasper's pain. "I had to force him out of bed, remind him to eat, hold him while he cried and soothe him the best I could."
"Thank you, Ro, for taking care of him." It was the only thing I knew to say. I couldn't go back and change things now.
"I didn't do it for you, Edward. Jasper was my friend and I tried to help him as best I could." She plainly stated with a hint of aggravation in her voice.
"How did he and Alice become friends?"
"She was just as heartbroken as he was. Once again, you had chosen someone else over her and to top it off Bella was HER new friend. I felt like Alice and Jasper needed each other, even though neither of them knew that you were their common link." She let out with an exasperated sigh.
"You see, Edward dear, what you failed to realize when you met Bella was that everyone in that room was in love with you, except Bella and I. You had Jasper at your fingertips and Alice nipping at your heels. You hardly acknowledged Alice at all. You were her best friend for more than half your life and hadn't seen her in years but you overlooked her, yet again. It did nothing but resurface all of her old hurt and pain and you didn't even notice."
There was a knock at the door and she got up to go get our food. I got up off the floor and went to sit down on the stool. What an idiot I was. How did I not realize that Alice had feelings for me? Had I lead her on, even unintentionally? I had known her forever and would never hurt her on purpose. She was like my annoying little sister most of the time. I loved Alice but I never saw her as more than my best friend or my family. I had been deeply hurt when she moved off without so much as a word to me, but I knew Alice and when she made up her mind about something, there was no stopping her.
Rose came back in the room with the food and started to pull out the containers for us to eat from. "And another thing, Edward, you used Jasper. I know all about that little stunt you pulled in the bathroom with him.
I was never more ashamed of you than I was when he told me about that. I mean, how could you do that Edward? It was cruel. It was almost as bad as when you chose Tanya over Alice. Are you seriously just that cruel of a human being?" The pure rage rolled off of Rosalie and it scared me a little.
"No, Rosalie, I'm not." I quipped, obviously I felt very defensive in that moment.
"Well you sure could have fooled me, Edward." She screeched. "Because now, you've done the same thing to Bella…..you have to stop this selfishness. It has to stop. You can't be the oblivious little boy you've been your whole life. It is destroying your life and all the people you care about." Rosalie turned away from me and I could tell she had wiped a tear from her eye.
I quickly got up and walked around to her, I couldn't help but pull her into a hug. "I'm sorry, Rosalie, I really am sorry. I'm going to change. I'm going to do whatever I have to make it up to you, to them and to Bella." I held her in a tight hug for a few minutes as we cried together, me repeatedly telling her how sorry I am. She finally pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "Just fix this, Edward." She whispered as she cupped my cheek. "These people are our family, and I can't lose them all again."
"I know, Rosalie. I will. Can you help me?" I whispered back. She nodded her head and let go of me, as she stepped around me to go sit down. "Come sit and eat so we can come up with a plan."
As we sat there, we went over what Rose thought I needed to do. With a stable plan in mind I finally felt like I could breathe again. I still had a long way to go but I knew Bella, Jasper and Alice were worth it.
They may have been just out of reach at the moment but I would do whatever it took to get them all back again. I had to. I loved them all.
Chapter 12
After I finished my non-descript explanation to Alice the panic started within me. Fuck. I owe her the whole truth. I know Alice and she's going to flip her lid when Edward tells her everything.
And I have no clue how to stop it from happening.
"Jasper, it's getting late, do you want to stay the night?" Alice asked shyly as her fingers twirled the hair at the nape of my neck.
I looked into her beautiful deep blue eyes, they reminded me of the ocean, as I searched for a hint of hesitancy before I replied, "I'd love to Alice."
She crawled off my lap, stood up and pulled my arms to get me to stand with her. She locked up the front door, and picked up the daisies I'd brought her. She moved them to the center of the dining room table before she turned to me
I was done for alright. How was I going to maintain my sanity with her in my arms all night, feeling her heat and body wrapped around mine? I pulled her into my arms, kissed her softly, "You're tired, let's get you into bed, sweetness." I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me. She peppered kisses to my neck, my jawline and my chin as I walked us down the hall to her bedroom.
I chuckled because she continued to assault my face with kisses, licks and nips. I loved this playful side of Alice, not having been on the receiving end of this type of playfulness before I relished it. I sat on the edge of her bed as she captured my lips and pulled me into a deep, passionate kiss. I pulled her body as close as I could.
"Mmmhhhmmmm, I could kiss you forever," Alice said as she pulled back to give us both a chance to breathe. "Me too, baby, your lips taste heavenly." I conceded.
It was my turn to assault her now, as my mouth and tongue took every opportunity to taste every inch of skin I had access too. Her neck, her lips, her chin, her shoulder as the oversized t-shirt slid off easily, I couldn't get enough. But I knew I had to put a reign on this before it got out of hand.
As badly as I wanted Alice, all of Alice, I knew that until we had everything out in the open, I couldn't have her that way. "Alice, baby, we need to slow this down a bit," the hesitation and frustration evident in my voice at having to squash our feelings.
"Don't want to," Alice pouted and batted her eyes at me.
I pulled my arms around her, rested my hands on the top of her ass, I loved the feeling of her.
"Please don't cry baby, I want you ….trust me, I want you so bad." The words seemed to stick in my throat.
"Jasper, I've waited so long for you." Alice softly stated as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
I leaned in slowly, kissed her cheek where the tear left a path and whispered, "I know baby, and I won't make you wait for me again. But I want our first time to be special, to mean something, and until we get everything out in the open, I won't feel right about it."
"Kiss me, Jasper."
I pulled her tight against me, my eyes never left her face as I pulled a hand up to tilt her chin to meet my lips. I kissed her soft and reverently, I allowed her to lead the dance our tongues began. That kiss held a million feelings, desires and questions.
We continued to kiss. Before I pulled back to catch a breath. "Baby, get ready for bed, I have a surprise for you." She studied my face for a minute.
"Okay, Jasper. You aren't leaving are you?" She asked as her eyes flashed rapidly between mine as she searched for the answer.
"No, baby, I'm never leaving you again. Now, scoot, let me surprise you." I chuckled as I tried to release her ankles from behind my back.
"It'll only take a few minutes, I'll be right back." Alice said as she reluctantly crawled off my lap, she lett go of my body as her eyes stayed on mine for any hint of betrayal.
I stood up and she paused at the bathroom door. Her eyes questioned me.
"Relax, Alice, I'm just going to get my guitar out of the living room." I quickly explained my actions to see her slightly relax and shut the bathroom door behind her. As I heard the water start to run, I went in search of the promise.
I spotted my cell phone on the floor, picked it up and typed a quick message to Edward.
We need to sit down with Alice and explain this to her ASAP. I don't like keeping this from her. – Jazz
I wasn't expecting an answer from him as I was sure he had his own problems to contend with tonight, however, my phone buzzed back as I pulled my guitar out of the case.
Just tell me when and where. I have a lot to say to her and the sooner, the better. – E
Not what I expected.
I'm having dinner with Rose tomorrow night, so maybe after that? Play it by ear? Will you be around for me to let you know? – Jazz
Yes, just let me know. BTW, J, I'm truly sorry about everything. – E
I sighed, I wasn't sure I wanted to have an 'alone' talk with Edward anytime soon, but I knew it was inevitable. We had a lot of shit to work through. But first, he needed to come clean to Alice. She was my priority now. Which made me think of Bella and that I hoped she was okay.
I got settled with my guitar on the overstuffed chair in Alice's room and decided to send her a quick text to check on her.
Beautiful Bella, just wanted to check on you. Hope you are ok. Love you, Jazz
There was no response and I heard Alice finish up.
Alice came out of the bathroom, her jet black hair softly fell around her face in wet, loose tendrils, her face bright and fresh and her luscious scent filled the air. She stopped at the side of the bed as she noticed me staring at her. She rewarded me with a small, mischievous grin as she said, "See something you like?" She giggled as I gulped and damn near shouted, "Fuck yes, darlin'. You are exquisite Alice."
I couldn't tear my eyes off her delectable little body as my cock stood at full attention inside the confines of my jeans, as well.
Alice turned down the blankets and crawled in, she got comfy as she sat up against the headboard. Fuck, she was so beautiful.
"Are you going to play for me?" She asked as her eyes sparkled in the soft light of the lamp she turned on.
"I've kinda been working on this song for you. The first time I heard it, I immediately thought of you." I tuned up the guitar. I hoped that I could make it through the song without messing it up.
I got my body situated and started to play:
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I don' t want to go alone
I don' t want to go alone
Now angel won' t you come by me
Angel hear my plea
Take my hand lift me up
So that I can fly with thee
So that I can fly with thee
And I'm waiting on an angel
And I know it won' t be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angel's arms
In my angel's arms
So speak kind to a stranger
Cause you'll never know
It just might be an angel come
Knockin' at your door
Knockin' at your door
And I'm waiting on an angel
And I know it won't be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angel's arms
In my angel's arms
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come and see me soon
Cause I don' t want to go alone
I don't want to go alone
Don' t want to go
I don't want to go alone
By the end of the song, the tears rolled down my cheeks, as I slowly opened my eyes to see Alice on her knees in front of me, her cheeks wet from her own tears. "Oh Jasper, I love you." And just like that I sat my guitar down, swept her into my arms and we shared the most tender of kisses I'd ever felt.
"Alice, you are home to me. You are everything to me. I love you so much." I leaned in to capture her lips again, as she wrapped her legs around my waist, I carried her to the bed, laid her down and felt the peace spread across my entire being.
"Home." I said, as I stared into her eyes as she placed her small across my heart.
BPOV
"What are you doing here, Emmett?" I asked as the shock of seeing him there wore off and anger crept in.
"Um, well, we were worried about you so I followed you and then, well, I heard you sobbing and I was scared for you….and I needed to pee." Emmett stared up at me sheepishly after his shoes lost his interest.
My frustration was evident on my face, I'm sure, as I begrudgingly smarted off to him, "Well, come in and pee then!" He at least had the sense to look ashamed that he was there.
"The bathroom is the second door on your left," I said as I pointed down the hall. He squeezed by me and rapidly jogged to the bathroom. I couldn't help but giggle as this huge, behemoth of a man scurried to go pee.
Then I got pissed again. What the fuck does he mean he followed me? Shit! Does that mean that Edward knows I'm here at Grams? If so, I'm out of here. I'll go find a hotel somewhere. I'm not ready to see him or talk to him yet.
I walked around and sat on the couch as I got ready to give Emmett the fifth degree. As he walked out of the bathroom, he looked up at me like a child waited to be scolded. "Rose is going to kick my ass, just so you know. You weren't supposed to see me." His voice boomed at me with a look of fear upon his face.
"Why the fuck did you follow me in the first place, Emmett? Rose knew I was coming here. I told her I'd be fine." I all but yelled at him as I threw my arms up in the air in exasperation.
"She was worried. She said you didn't sound good on the phone and she was afraid you'd get into an accident driving under the influence…of um, well, to quote her 'under the influence of an emotional breakdown'." He even did the little air quotes. I stifled a giggle. Oh poor helpless Emmett.
"Sit down, Emmett. I'm sure you're hungry and the pizza should be here soon. Do you want a drink?"
An instance look of relief crossed his face at the mention of food. Had I known that Emmett was outside and would soon be inside I would have ordered two pizzas for us.
"All I have is Mountain Dew, bottled water or wine." I really needed to go food shopping in the morning.
"Oh, well, I'll just take an MD then." Emmett said as I got up to get him a can from the fridge.
I walked back to the living room, sat back down and Emmett grabbed my hand quickly eyeing me up and down. "Are you okay Bells? I heard you crying and it made me want to go kick Edward's ass. Rose just told me that ya'll had a fight and that I had to make sure you were safe. Do you want me to go kick his ass, Bells?"
He paused to take a breathe.
"No, Emmett, please don't hurt Edward." I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him about any of this. He didn't seem to know it all and I wasn't exactly ready to divulge all the details. Especially when I still had to process exactly what was going on.
"We just have some issues that we have to work through. As for me, I'm well…" I paused uncertain what I was, actually. "I'm safe. At the moment, that's all I am." I gave him a small grin as I heard the pizza guy knock on the door. "I'll be right back Emmett." I said as I made to stand up.
"No, Bells, I got it." Emmett said as he gently pushed me back into the couch, stood and walked to the door. He paid the pizza guy and brought the pizza box to the coffee table. "Let's eat!" He announced as he pulled the lid open and grabbed two slices at once.
I reached over and grabbed a slice, sat back and enjoy the warmth the pizza provided to my now chilly body.
Suddenly the enormity of the day seemed to settle into my bones. I fought to keep my tears at bay. Emmett and I had never just 'hung out' without Rose and Edward around. To sit like this, eating pizza reminded me of the previous winter during Football season when we'd all be together at one of our houses to watch a game.
I suddenly lost my appetite and sat my pizza back down on the box when Emmett grabbed my wrist and said, "Eat, Bella, I know it's hard but you have to eat. I'm under orders to make sure you take care of yourself."
"Thank you, Emmett. I'm really glad you are here." I whispered to him, almost instantly relieved that I wasn't, in fact, alone. I managed to pick the piece of pizza back up and finish the slice.
As the night wore on, Emmett and I talked a lot. We talked about how him and Rose met, how scared he was of her and then we talked a little about Edward.
I walked down the hall to the Master suite, almost afraid to open the door and being assaulted with the memories that room held. The first time Edward and I had made love had been in that room. He'd come up to help me work on the house for the weekend. We had skirted the issue of full blown sex for over a week and it was just the perfect moment. It had been the most magical night of my life, up till that point.
"Oh Edward, please fix this….I miss you so much." I said to no one but the moon beams that floated in the window. I lay in bed, curled up into myself and allowed the tears to fall again. I prayed that he was able to figure out what he needed and wanted. I prayed that he still loved me. I prayed that I had the strength to not give into him so easily this time. I prayed for my own strength to rise up and carry me through this storm. I had to be fully prepared to ride it out alone, if that was the case.
EPOV
As I lay in bed, I tossed and turned, I missed Bella. My whole body ached for her. I cried as I thought about her alone. I knew she was at Gram's. She had to be. That house was her sanctuary and I was sure that she went there. She needed to be somewhere comforting after all I had put her through.
God, I hope I haven't destroyed my marriage. I loved Bella so very much. She means everything to me. I'm terrified that I would lose her..
Rosalie is right, why did I even begin to think that this proposal of Jasper's was a good idea? Oh yeah, I was thinking with my cock and not my brain.
I think back to that conversation that I had with Rose in the car the day I picked her up from the airport. Jasper and I had been going at it hot and heavy for days at that point. Seeing it now, I realize that I had kinda known the depth of my feelings for him.
That could have been why I had been insatiable for him because I knew that I would eventually have had to end it. I wasn't meant to live the gay lifestyle. Other than Jasper, I hadn't ever been attracted to another man. It was just him. It was the chemistry with him. It had nothing to do with being gay, bisexual or whatever the hell it was. It was simply about Jasper.
Then Bella walked in and I was instantly smitten with her. She was gorgeous, and simply unaware of the appeal that she held. When I saw her and she spoke with that shy innocence on her face, I saw my life play out with her. I knew that she would be the woman to steal my heart and enrapture my soul forever.
The problem was in how I handled the whole situation. I hadn't thought things through in my head very clearly. I made light of situations that certainly were not to be taken lightly.
Now, I had to atone for those misgivings. I had to fix this with all of them. Starting with my wife. I quickly pulled my cellphone out and typed a text to Bella.
Bella, my love, I miss you more than words can say. I'm so sorry that I've put you through all of this. Truly sorry. I hope that you're safe and that you know my heart is there with you where ever you are. I only hope that you'll allow me to fix this and become the man that you deserve as a husband. I love you, my wife, forever and always. - Edward
Still unable to sleep, I got up and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink when I saw Rose sitting at the bar, crying.
"Ro, what's wrong?" She just shook her head as I walked up and put my arm around her shoulder. "Please Rosalie, talk to me. You know how I hate to see you cry."
She sniffled, wiped her nose with a tissue before she spoke to me, "Edward, I just feel so guilty for not fixing all of this mess sooner. I thought that I had been doing the right thing by helping keep everyone's secrets and working on things behind the scenes. But now, I can't help but think if I'd just forced everyone to talk and get everything out in the open, we all wouldn't be this heartbroken and scattered." Then she broke out into a huge sob that ripped my heart open.
"No, no, no, Rosalie, none of this is your fault, sweetie. If anything, we're all responsible for own actions. Thank God we all had you there to help us with your words of wisdom and guidance. Please, please don't think that this your responsibility at all." Fuck. I never saw Rosalie like this and it worried me.
"Oh Edward, everything's just all messed up and I can't help but worry about everyone and I really, really miss Emmett." I turned her towards me to pull her into a hug as she quietly cried against my shoulder. "Come on, sweet girl, let's get you into bed. You wanna cuddle with me like we did when we were little and you were scared of the thunder storms?" She nodded her head into my shoulder as we walked down the hall to the bedroom.
"Okay, crawl in and we'll cuddle." I made sure to take her to the guestroom bed that I was staying in.
After a short while her sniffles stopped and I could tell that she'd finally fallen asleep. She was no Bella but she helped me relax enough that I finally fell asleep, too.
When I woke the next day the sun bore down through the windows and it took me a few minutes to figure out where I was. I grabbed my phone to check the time realizing that it was after one o'clock in the afternoon. Damn, I never slept this late.
I checked my messages but nothing from Bella. Hopefully she just doesn't have service up there and that's why she hasn't responded. I decided to type her another quick message before I got up for the day.
Good Afternoon, Beautiful. I hope that you were able to get some rest. I dreamt of you all night. I miss you so much, Bella. Life is nothing without you. But I have a plan. I only hope that you'll allow me to try and fix this. Can you please just let me know that you are okay? I love you, Edward.
I heard Rosalie in the other room, so I got up, used the bathroom, cleaned up and went to find her as my stomach was growled. Dang, I'm starving.
"There you are sleepy head. I was just about to come wake you up. Apparently, you were tired so I decided to let you sleep in but we have a busy night ahead, so we need to get cracking." Rosalie was bright and cheerful, completely unlike the vulnerable emotional cousin I had seen last night.
"Did you sleep well, Ro? I was worried about you last night." I asked as I watched her flitter around the kitchen, her graceful hands opened and closed cabinets.
"Oh, what? Oh, yeah, I'm fine." She responded as she waved her hands like she a simple shake would shake off the matter simply. "Just had a little 'moment' as mom says," she cackled as she said it. Something was up with her, but I had no clue what it was.
"So, a busy night ahead? What do you mean? I thought you were having dinner with Jasper?" I
"Well, yes, technically I am but you are the entertainment for the evening, as you and Jasper need to sit, talk and work this shit out." She suddenly stopped, put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at me.
"Please tell me that you boys will have the maturity to work through this without me. I am not going to sit and hold both of your hands and force you to speak to one another."
"We'll be fine, Ro. I am determined to make things right between Jasper and I. We'll work it out, I promise." I said as I got down a cereal bowl and made my breakfast.
"Thank God for small miracles. Now, you remember our plan from last night? Make sure you stick to your guns. Do you hear me, Edward?" Rose spoke to me in that 'don't fuck with me or I'll take you down' tone of voice that both of our mother's used to use on us.
"Yes, Rosalie," I responded, drawing out her name, as I used to do to my mom. "I remember everything we discussed. As long as Jasper is amicable to the idea of my meeting with Alice, then we'll be fine. Although, I still think that I need to contact Bella and straighten things out with her first." I reiterated my point for the thousandth time.
"NO, Edward," she drawled my name out in return, "If you start with Alice, then everything else will fall into place. This will allow you the ability to go to be Bella and start to repair your marriage. Don't doubt my abilities to fix this. I think testament is due to the fact that I've kept all of you moving forward in your lives for the past three years, don't you?" She fucking had me there and she knew it.
I sighed, ran my hand through my hair and nodded in concession. "Fine, Rosalie, we'll do it your way."
The day wore on as Rosalie set me up doing menial tasks to try and 'distract' me from the matters at hand.
Finally, at quarter 'til six she shoved me in my room to shower and get dressed for dinner. My mind had been on Bella all afternoon. I had restrained myself from checking my phone every five minutes but now I had to do it. I had to know if she was okay.
I saw the light blinking on my phone that alerted me to a message. What if she was telling me to leave her alone? Could I do that? Could I just walk away from her?
No, no I could not. I would fight for Bella 'til the end of time. She was the love of my life. I couldn't live without her.
One text message.
I am safe. - Bella
I let out a long, deep breath. She responded. She didn't tell me off. She didn't tell me to leave her alone.
Thank you, God.
My nerves a little calmer now, I showered, shaved and got dressed. I don't know what all the big deal was about 'getting ready' it was just Jasper and it was just dinner. I mean, we needed to talk, but couldn't we just do that in our regular clothes, where we were most comfortable?
To argue at this point with Rosalie, however, wasn't an option. Without her, right now, I'd be completely lost.
She had told me to hang out in my room for a bit after I was dressed. She wanted to speak to Jasper alone for a bit before she brought me into the conversation.
I heard the doorbell ring and their voices carried down the hall so I grabbed my Ipod and put my earbuds in my ears. I blasted the newest album from Red as loud as I could. I owed Rosalie her privacy in her own home and to be honest, I didn't want to hear about Jasper's reunion with Alice at the moment.
Sometime later, I felt Rosalie shaking my shoulders, I guess that I had dozed off as the music blared in my ears. "Come on sleepy head, dinner's ready and Jasper's ready to talk." She had a soft expression on her face and her eyes were warm and full of kindness as I got up off the bed.
"Hey, Ro, well, I um, I just wanted to say thank you for all your help. It really does mean a lot to me and I appreciate all that you're doing to help me straighten everything out." I pulled her into a hug, I wanted my sincerity exude from me.
"You're welcome, Edward," she laid her palm on my cheek, "you aren't a bad person, you just haven't done the right things. But I know your heart and I know you'll be able to figure things out and make it right. I love you cousin."
"I love you too, Ro. Now let's go eat, it smells good and I'm starving." I chuckled at her.
"You and Emmett, always fucking hungry." She shook her head, she tried to hide that beautiful smile of hers but failed miserably.
We walked into the dining room and I saw Jasper stand from the table so I walked around to give him a hug. I felt like we needed to start things out on the right foot and there was nothing sexual in how I greeted him.
"Hi, Jasper. Thanks for coming over." I said softly, for whatever reason I avoid his gaze.
"No problem, man." He returned.
"Okay, then boys, I'm out of here. Gonna go have some girly time with Alice. Play nice, all the food is on the table and ready to go. Make yourselves at home and there better not be anything broken when I get home, capisce?" Rosalie stood there, she looked at us like we were children about to be left home alone for the first time.
"We'll be fine, Rosalie. Nothing will be broken. I promise." Jasper told her with a mischievous half grin.
And with that she turned and left us standing in her dining room with a candlelit meal spread before us.
"Shall we?" Jasper asked, gesturing towards the table.
"Yep, I'm starving." I quickly took my seat across from him and started to dish out food.
Nothing could be heard but the sound of dishes that clattered and utensils being scraped across plates for several minutes as I felt the tension rising in the air. I decided it was up to me to start this meeting off I started off easy, "How is Alice?"
A huge grin crossed his face as he finished chewing his food before replying, "She's amazing. Thank you for asking." He took another bite then asked, "Have you heard from Bella?"
When my food was swallowed the food in my mouth, I nodded my head before I spoke, "Only briefly through text." I was afraid to reveal the entire truth so I just gave him a part of it. A really small part of it.
I wiped my mouth, took a sip of water and knew it was time to get down to business. "Jasper, I'm sorry for the hurt that I've caused you. I don't know how else to put it to you but I was young, selfish and very immature. I didn't think things through when I ended things with you. And I'm deeply, regretfully sorry for the pain I caused you all these years." I wiped my hand across my brow, sweeping the sweat off that had gathered there as I stared at him for his reaction.
He took a deep, raspy breath before he looked up at me. His fork dropped to his plate as he stared at me for a few seconds before speaking, "Thank you, Edward. But, I think that I owe you an apology as well. I'm just as responsible for some this mess, too." I tried to stop him there and correct his thinking but he held a hand up for me to stop so I let him continue to speak. "I should have spoken up. You gave me so many opportunities to lay out the truth for you. But I knew you didn't feel the same way about me, so why hurt myself further? Ya know?" He looked out the window before he sucked in a deep breath and returned his gaze to mine.
"I did love you, Jasper. I had even talked to Rosalie in the car about it on the way back from the airport. But I'd never been in love before, I wasn't sure what was happening between us and then Bella walked in like a hurricane and flipped me inside out." I didn't want to hurt him further but I owed him the truth, completely.
"I never expected us to be together forever, Jasper. But I was so drawn to you, the chemistry I had with you, it's the closest thing that will ever stand a chance to my pull to Bella. I don't know how else to explain it." I paused for a moment as I tried to think of exactly how to explain the next part of my feelings.
"I was never attracted to any man until you and I know that I'll never be attracted to another. It is just simply you that I'm attracted to, Jasper." I continued before I lost my nerve. "I had never known the pull of a person until I met you. Never allowed anyone in the way that I did you. Therefore, I know that it had to be simply about you and you alone." I watched as his eyes as they filled with tears and he nodded his head slightly to confirm that he understood what I meant.
"I know what you're saying, Edward. I mean, yes, I had other male relationships in the past before you but those were simply about sex to me. My whole being was drawn to you when I first laid eyes on you, too. It was the greatest charge I'd ever felt." He slowly let out the words and we let them sit there for a few minutes.
He took a sip of water before he finished what he wanted to say.
"I knew from the beginning that I was in over my head with you. That first night we had sex, I knew that I had fallen in love with you but you had made it clear to me that you weren't in this for the long haul. I just hoped that as time went on and your need for me grew that you'd fall in love with me, too." He let a tear slip down his cheek and it crushed my heart for the years of his life that he'd wasted as he carried this hope around.
"Jasper, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I love you and will always love you. I wish that I had had this conversation with you three years ago. I hate to see the pain in your eyes that I know is there because of me." I whispered across the table, every ounce of my being wanted to hug him but I knew that we needed to keep the bare minimal of contact for both of our sanity.
"For so long, I watched you, watched you and Bella as your romance blossomed and your love for her grew. I was so envious of what you had found in her and knew that you would never see that in me. But now, Edward, I'm grateful for it. I'm glad that I had to live with the pain of something that was wrong, because now I have what's right. She's the most beautiful little four foot nine inch pixie and she loves me. He stopped and I saw the love for Alice in his eyes as he mentioned her name. I prayed to all the God's around that I looked that way when I spoke Bella's name. It was pure love and devotion. "She's waited on me to get my act together so that we can have the same amazing life with each other as you've gotten to enjoy with Bella." He wiped his cheek, and his radiant smile bloomed on his face again, his crystal blue eyes were full of joy. I was more than happy for him that he had found his love.
"So, you see, Edward, it's okay that I hurt for so long because now, now I'll never have to experience that again. I know what miserable is. I know what loneliness and hopelessness feels like. I will never have to go back to those feelings with Alice by my side. She makes me soar with happiness. And I can't wait to make everyday as magical as the next in her life. She deserves a lifetime of rainbows and daisies and I plan on making that happen, every single day of her existence." He glowed as he spoke of her, the sadness completely disappeared from his features and I could tell this was real for him.
"I'm so happy for you, Jasper.
Now was the time for me to bring it up...my meeting with Alice. "So, Jasper, you know that I need to sit down and talk to Alice. And I'd really like for you to be there, we need to explain a few things to her. Have you told her anything about your past sexual history?" It really was none of my business but I kind of worried about springing this all on Alice with her having no knowledge of his past.
He quickly nodded his head indicating that he'd somewhat been honest about his past conquests. "So she knows you've been with men?" I reiterated.
"Yes, a long time back, we talked briefly about it, but she has no idea about you and me. I just didn't feel completely comfortable telling her about you, without your knowledge. I didn't intend to necessarily keep my relationship with you from her but it's complicated at best. So us talking to her, together is for the best, I think." He looked a little nervous, as I was, too.
"So when do you want to talk to her?" I asked hoping for a little reprieve.
"Tonight?" He whispered.
"Oh, tonight?" I was a little thrown by that request. I wasn't prepared at the moment, emotionally. But if that's what he wanted, I owed it to him. "Um, if that's what you want, Jasper, okay." I relented.
"It is. I don't like keeping this from her and I can't go another night with her in my arms and not, um.. well you know." He got a little shy and I chuckled then got serious with him.
"You declared your love for her but you haven't slept with her?" I was totally blown away. I was for certain that they would have sealed the deal last night.
"Um, no, not yet. Edward, I couldn't in good conscience have sex with her without her knowing about us," he said as he gestured between the two of us.
Once again, I saw a moment in someone's life that I had managed to ruin. "I'm sorry." Those words seemed to be all I knew how to say and I knew that I would say them a lot more as the days went on.
"Edward, I could have just told her and gotten it over with but I wanted you to have a chance to explain yourself, too. So, it's okay. It'll happen when and if it's supposed to happen." Jasper said, with worry riddling his voice.
"You're worried?" I inquired. They had declared their love, what was he worried about, I questioned.
"Yes," he whispered. "She's going to be upset that we've kept this from her. That Rosalie knew and didn't tell her. That Bella knew, as well. Then there's the weekend to explain and the fallout that occurred as a result of that fiasco." He paused and looked at me with fear in his eyes, "It'll be a lot for her to take in at once but it's like pulling off a band-aid, gotta do it all at one time, ya know?"
He was right. Alice will have a fit when she finds out everyone knew but her, and all this happened behind her back. This wouldn't be easy.
"Before we do this Jasper, are we okay? Can we go back to being friends and in each others lives? Maybe not now but in the future? I have really, really missed you. You were my best friend, above all, you know?" I sincerely hoped that someday in the future we could be best friends again without all this angst and fuckery between us. I would love to sit around play our guitars and have a few beers. I really had missed that side of Jasper, more than anything else.
"I hope so, Edward. I really do. Let's just take it one day at a time for now." I could tell he meant it, too.
We gathered up the food and dishes from the table and set about to clean up the kitchen for Rosalie. When we were done, Jasper called Alice and asked her to meet him at the diner we'd originally sat in all those weeks ago. Once the plans were in place, we got in our respective cars and made our way across town.
We walked in and ordered our drinks while we sat and waited in silence. The chime on the door indicated that someone walked in and by the smile on Jasper's face, I knew she was here. I took a deep breath and waited for the pin to drop.
Jasper stood to greet Alice with a hug and kiss before she noticed me, "Edward? What are you doing here?" She anxiously asked as her eyes darted back and forth between Jasper and I. She stood there perfectly still for a few seconds before realization hit her.
She gasped, "Oh. My. God. It was him?" She turned and looked at Jasper.
Chapter 13
I wasn't sure what to make of the texts that Edward had sent me. It thrilled me on one hand that he thought of me. But on the other hand, they pissed me off.
He loves me. He misses me. He hopes I'm safe. So why the fuck isn't he here? Why hasn't he come to me and tried to make things right?
I got angry and had a tantrum, I kicked the air, screamed out curse words and flamed him right and left. The next minute I was hunched over as I sobbed. It was a fight to breath and I missed him so bad. I was certain that my heart cracked in two.
Poor Emmett. He had no idea what to do for me or with me. He was so confused by my behavior, but I do have to say that it was nice to at least have him around to talk to.
I wasn't sure how much he knew, so I hesitated to tell him much of anything. In the midst of my rants he did find out enough that he wanted to now kick Edward's ass six ways to Sunday. If for nothing else than for the fact that he made me the unbalanced emotional mess that I currently was in.
I wanted to kick his ass too.
And then I want to fuck him into oblivion.
I needed answers.
I needed him to apologize.
I needed his strong arms around me and his velvet voice to whisper into my ear as he soothed the ache away.
I wanted to slap his face.
I wanted to beat his chest with my fists.
But most of all, I just wanted my husband.
"Bella, you have to stop with the pacing, it's starting to freak me out," Emmett chided me as I wore a path out on the living room rug.
"Emmett, I'm just so confused. I want to know why Edward hasn't tried to call me. Better yet, why he hasn't shown up to talk to me. He has to know this is the only place I'd come to." I sat down with a huff on the couch.
"Want me to call Rose and find out what he's up to?" His eyes twinkled when he talked about Rosalie, the small glint made my heart hurt for Edward even more.
"No, I don't want to make it seem like I want him to come to me. He has to do it on his own, Emmett." I could tell by the look on Emmett's face that this confused the shit out of him, but it was important to me that he wanted to come to me because it was his idea not because Rose forced him too.
"But I want my Rosie. I miss her Bella-boo." Emmett whined and made the most adorable pouty face.
I couldn't hold back my laugh at the sight of this grown ass man that acted like a five-year old that missed his mommy than the adult that he was.
"Oh Emmett, I'm sorry you're here with me instead of at home with your wife." I genuinely felt guilty for him being stuck here with me. Then I got mad in the same thought. "This is all Edward's fault and while I'm thinking about it, let's throw some of that blame Jasper's way, too. Those little fuckers are the cause of all this mess." I was pissed off again as the previous path of pacing began again.
"Call Rose and find out when she's coming to visit. I'm in need of some serious angry girl time." I barked at Emmett, he jumped slightly at the harsh tone I used.
"Okay, Bella-boo, calm down," he chuckled nervously at me while he dialed Rose's number.
"Hey baby," he cooed into the phone, his face lit up and his eyes twinkled again. They were so in love.
Complete and total opposites, but totally in love. "Bella-boo wanted to know when you plan to come up here, she needs 'angry girl time', whatever the hell that is." I saw him use his fingers to do the air quotes as he spoke to Rosalie.
I could hear Rose's voice but couldn't make out what she said. Emmett held up his finger to ask me to hold on while she spoke but soon his face came to life as he said, "Tonight sounds good to me, are you sure you'll be safe traveling alone that time of night, baby?" He got a deep furrow in his brow and an anxious look on his face. "Oh, I see. He paused again and the suspense was about to kill me. "Do you want to talk to Bella?" He eyed me then closed his eyes, he took a deep breath as he got up and walked down the hall to his room for privacy. But not before I heard him say, "It'll be okay baby, all of it will work out, please don't be upset, it's not good for either of you to get this upset." Then his door clicked shut.
Why was Rose coming so late at night? And why would both of them be upset? Were both Rose and Edward upset about something? Now I was thoroughly confused.
If Rose was coming, we needed more food. Emmett could eat for three people, alone, and I knew he wouldn't survive on the remainder of the snacks that we had in the house. I wrote a note to let Emmett know where I went, picked up my keys, phone and my wallet and headed to my car.
I lit a smoke. I instantly felt the calm come over me and turned on the CD player as Kelly Clarkson's 'whyyawannabringmedown' blared out of the speakers. I made my way out of the driveway and towards the store.
As I drove back towards town I started to think of things that Edward and I needed to talk about, things I needed to talk to him about. All too often in our relationship, I would relinquish my own thoughts and feelings about something and give in to him.
I started listening to the words of the song...and fuck.
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to keep it down. When I'm giving you one hundred and ten.
Don't blink 'cause I won't be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down
Damn. All my life, I've felt like the odd person out. I've never truly fit in until I met Alice, then Rosalie and then of course Edward. They all enriched my life in ways that I never imagined.
Particularly Edward, he had always pushed me to be better than I thought that I could be. He always encouraged me to do things that I didn't feel comfortable with, and so many times after I had tried the thing he pushed me to do I was thrilled with myself because I could actually do it. Edward did those things to me and for me, but he also used this power to manipulate me so that I let him make decisions about our lives. He would convince me that he knew what was best. At the time I believed that he wanted to take care of me, save me from the worry and to a certain extent I still believe that he did and does. It still boils down to me giving up my control to him. I want to be his partner, someone he knows that he can talk to about decisions that concern us. I want to know that I am someone that he values and trusts to make a decision that he can stand behind as well. In other words I want to be his equal not his property.
Two important matters popped up; the weekend with Jasper and having a baby.
My initial gut reaction to Jasper's request was not only no, but hell no.
Why should I allow my husband a free pass to have sex with a former lover, his only former lover?
What gave Jasper the right to ask that of me? What gave Edward the right to expect me to go along with it?
Fuck! Did the two of them play me or what? I mean, sure, I made my own decision to go along with it for the kinky factor. But, damn, am I that passive that I just went along it for the sake of making them both happy?
Not once did I look out for myself in the long run.
Talk about a doormat. I've been a doormat all my life. Always accepted what was laid before me, no matter what. I kept the peace. I tried to stay invisible. My voice was never heard.
For some reason, I got the feeling that Edward hadn't really ever heard my voice. Maybe it's about time that he did.
I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, parked the car and sat for a minute. My anger had built to the point where I needed to scream into the stillness of the car. I shook I was so mad.
Then the tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to spill over. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck," I slammed my hand repeatedly on the steering wheel, hurting my hand in the process. The tears came hard and fast from the pain. I laid my forehead on the steering wheel as I clutched my hand to my chest, the pain radiated down through my fingers.
"Just my luck, I broke my hand." I sobbed to no one. Oh that's right, I'm fucking alone. My husband should be here but no, he's off somewhere probably with his ex-lover. Fuck. Him.
I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Emmett's number. I really wanted to stop most of the tears before he answered so that he could at least comprehend what I was said but also so that I didn't scare him. "Bella-boo, what up?" His jovial voice reverberated through the phone. "Em...Emmett, I think I broke my hand." Seven words was all it took to make the tears start to flow again, snot poured down my nose as well. I wiped it on my sleeve.
"Bella? What? Where are you?" Nothing but worry came through the phone. It should be my husband's voice that responded back to me so full of concern.
"I'm in the parking lot of the grocery store and I hit the steering wheel with my hand..." I tried to stop crying but I couldn't. "It hurts, Em, it's hurts so bad." At that point, I wasn't sure what hurt more, my hand or my heart. My husband wasn't here, where I needed him and he promised he'd always be there. Through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health. Those were the words that we spoke to each other before God and our families. What good were the words when there was no feeling behind them? To quote one of my favorite songs,...
But all to often those words, get tangled up in lies,
And the bright light turns to night,
Until the dawn it brings a little bird that sings about the magic that was you and me,
The pain washed over me as the reality of those words really hit me, all this time I loved that song and I had no idea that it would ever mean this exact thing for me. I was so blind before.
See I'm all about them words,
Words, over numbered, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, for words.
More words than I had ever heard
And I...was so alive
EPOV
Fuck.
"Yes, Alice. It was me." I answered her honestly, that's what we were here for wasn't it? To get it all out on the table. "If you'll have a seat, we'll explain everything."
"I'll sit when I'm damn good and ready to sit, Edward." Alice crossed her arms across her chest, and tapped her toe against the floor of the restaurant. She looked at me and then Jasper, then back to me again. "What the fuck is going on, Jasper?" She asked as her eyes settled on him again. I guess she trusted him more at the moment to get her answers.
"Alice, baby, if you'll have a seat, we'll explain it all to you." Jasper calmly answered her.
"Don't baby me Jasper. I don't want to sit by you, move over there to sit by Edward. I want to sit so that I faced you both. I want to see your faces as you speak." Jasper and I just kind of sat there, still as stones.
"Move your ass, Jasper, I'm serious." She seethed. Jasper scooted across the booth seat and moved around to sit next to me. He gave me a curious look as he slid in the seat.
Alice straightened her skirt, stood there for a minute as she looked between the two of us before she sighed and finally sat down.
"Start at the beginning and it better be the truth, I will know if either of you lie to me, so don't even bother." She quirked an eyebrow to let her eyes scan between the two of us.
"Alice, before we tell you our um...history...," I paused because I felt slightly awkward about the fact that I was going to have this conversation with her all of the sudden. "I need to talk to you about our," I motioned between Alice and myself, "history, first. If that's okay with you." I waited as she sat there for a moment, her eyes narrowed like she was in pain before she gave a slight nod of her head.
"Everything that happened back in High School, well, the whole fight we had over Tanya. I just want to say how very sorry that I am for not believing you. You were my best friend, and I should have listened, truly listened when you came to me that day." I pinched the bridge of my nose, while I tried to shake off the memories of that day, which felt like they happened yesterday, at this moment.
"I was irritated that day, not wanting to hear what you had to say because I was clearly thinking with my dick and not my brain." I let out a deep breath before I continued, "I'm deeply sorry for the the fact that I hurt you and pushed you away that day."
When I looked up, there was a tear that ran down her cheek and I could see five years worth of pain shine through those deep blue orbs. It caused my breath to hitch and I immediately wanted to hold her and comfort her. This was the Alice I knew and loved all those years ago.
"Edward," her voice tiny and shaky, "I've waited so long for you to apologize. I carried that pain for so long, I don't...I mean..." She looked at me then closed her eyes, she shook her head as if to clear the tears and sorrow away. When she opened her eyes again they were clear and angry, "I cannot just say 'okay' and forget how you just dismissed me from your life so easily. It took me a long time to let go of you. I waited for hours, days and weeks for you to call me, write me, email me. I got nothing from you. Not one single word from you." She drew in a deep breath and I steeled myself for what I had coming.
"You went on with your easy life, had your fun, graduated with our friends that we'd had since kindergarten. In the meanwhile I moved away from my family, my friends, my life because of the hurt that your words and actions inflicted on me. Do you know? Do you even comprehend what that did to me? How deeply conflicted I felt? Not to mention the fact that I was madly in love with you. I had to mourn the loss of our friendship every damn day. As I was nursed a broken heart, too."
She wiped her cheek to smooth away another lone tear that had escaped. "You almost ruined my life."
I jumped in to try and defend myself. "I was a selfish asshole, Alice. I knew how you felt about me, well, kind of, suspected it, anyway. But you never said anything to me...and I just didn't think about you that way. You'd always been my best friend, my little sister, I couldn't see you in that light." My hands nervously twitched on the table as I tried to explain myself and my actions in the past to two of the most important people in my life.
Part of me wanted to run but the larger part wanted to stay to fix everything I had done in the past, so that all of our lives would be better for it. "But I never, ever meant to take your life away from you. I would never have asked you to leave. I would never have wanted you to walk away from your family and friends." I rubbed my hand across my chest, as my heart exploded with pain again. I felt another tear in the lining of my soul and knew that it would take years for me to erase the damage that I had done to Alice.
But no matter how long it took, I would make it right with her again. I had to, I owed it to her. She had been my best friend for so long and I'd treated her so very wrong.
"Alice, I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't make it right. I know that doesn't erase the pain. But, please know that I would do anything to fix it, if I could." I pushed my chin down into my chest, The regret swept over me, the shame for what I had done weighed on my shoulders, it forced the breath from my lungs. I looked back up to see that her eyes had waited to meet mine, a very tiny, minute, glimmer sat there. A miniscule tinge of hope. I forced the sincerity of my apology to peer through my only outlet at the time, allowing her to see the cracks in my soul for what I had done.
We all three sat there for a few minutes as the air full of tension and ambiguity swirled thick in the bubble we resided in. Jasper finally cleared his throat, before he attempted to restart the conversation.
"Alice, let me explain a few things about Edward and I, if I may?" His voice was soft, courteous and tinged with trepidation.
"Please do." Alice exhaled her words as she crossed her arms again. Her body language clearly stated that she didn't want to hear the words, yet she still sat here with us so that we could explain. She was a much better person than I had ever been. She at least stuck around to hear the answers. I apparently just skipped off down life's yellow brick road with my head in the clouds while everyone else around me crumbled to pieces because of me.
Jasper began to speak. "Edward and I met at a party, although we had a class together, neither of us knowing that both of us had been equally hyper aware of the other. There was an automatic chemistry between us, we were drawn together like a moth to a flame. We started a relationship, casually, at first but it quickly became extremely intense. Well, that was until Edward crashed and burned after meeting Bella." He paused, unsure if she wanted him to continue or not as her breath came out heavily and her face had turned red.
"So let me get this straight, Edward." She said as she turned to me and pointed her finger at me. "You thought you were gay?" She almost looked like she wanted to laugh at the absurdity of that thought.
"Um, no Alice, actually, I had never been attracted to any guys before or after Jasper. It was something about him that drew me to him, I was curious about it, so I had a relationship with him. It started off casually, as Jasper said, I even told him upfront that it was a phase for me. I was curious and undeniably attracted to him."
I wasn't sure how far into that I wanted to just divulge, she may not want the gory details. And if she did, she'd certainly let me know.
"He was your first?" She spoke so quietly, I almost didn't hear her.
"Yes, Alice, he was." I softly replied.
"Did you love him?" Her voice remained small, filled with what I can only describe as pain.
"I didn't at first, but yes, I fell in love with him." If only I'd realized all of this back then, we wouldn't sit here today, hashing this out.
"Did you love Edward, Jasper?" Her head turned to look at him, eyes pierced his face with hurt that shone through.
"Very much, from the moment I laid eyes on him." Jasper replied, his own hurt on display for her to see.
"Then how did all this," she motioned around the air in a circle, "happen?"
"That would be my fault, Alice. I didn't realize that I was in love with Jasper, I had never been in love before. I wasn't sure what it was. But, I was also very sure I couldn't live a true gay lifestyle, no matter how much I adored Jasper."
"Um, I've got some blame for this," he repeated Alice's air circle motion with his hand, "as well. I never voiced my feelings to Edward. I was never honest with him about being in love with him. I'm sure he suspected it, a few times, but it was just unspoken between us. Edward was very forthcoming in the beginning, when he told me this was new to him and it was nothing he wanted long-term. But I...I couldn't stop my heart from loving him." I wanted to hug him, to make up for the pain and hurt that he'd carried for so long, too.
I owed them both so much of their lives back. The weight of that thought swooshed all the air from my lungs and caused me to get light-headed. I couldn't give them time back. I couldn't erase the years of their lives they'd invested in the feelings they carried for me. I didn't know how I would ever make it right for either of them. A piece of my heart shattered and I felt the tears behind the lids of my closed eyes, slide through and make a path down my cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper." I whispered.
"You didn't know, Edward?" The ire in Alice's voice brought me back to the present space we were in as I opened my eyes to see a look of disbelief on her features.
"No, I didn't know, Alice." I shook my head, while I attempted to blink back the remaining tears and cleared my throat. "I mean, yes, I had suspected it. But every time I'd try to bring it up, he would brush me off, dismiss the thought or attempt to distract me."
"What the fuck? The both of you! Complete fucking idiots, the both of you." She threw her hands up, the volume of her voice grewg louder before she slapped her palms down on the table top.
"Edward, you are the most selfish prick I have ever known. I pined for you for years. YEARS, Edward. I never felt self-worth because you couldn't see what was right in front of you and now I find out that Jasper loved you, the same as I did for years. YEARS, Edward. And again, you selfishly chose NOT to see it, again.
Are you really that fucking dense? Seriously, Edward. How could you not know that the guy you were fucking every night was in love with you? Look at Jasper, does he seem like the shallow, uncaring kind of guy to you?" She stopped speaking long enough to draw a deep breath.
"And you Jasper, for YEARS you watched me cry myself to sleep at night, comforted me, KNOWING it was him that I cried over and you said nothing. NOTHING, Jasper." She stopped speaking, looked between the two of us, shook her head before she rested her elbows on the table. As soon as her elbows hit the table her head fell into her hands. "Jasper, you never thought that you should tell him. I saw how hurt you were. I know the enormity of the pain you felt. You didn't think it was important for the man you loved to know how you felt about him?"
I spoke up before Jasper had a chance to respond. "Alice, I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it. It was easier for me to walk away because it had never been voiced. If I hadn't heard it said, then it meant that it didn't really exist and I had no guilt to carry because I had fallen for Bella. I was uncertain of my feelings for Jasper. before I had a chance to explore them or really figure it all out, Bella showed up in my apartment. So, I took the easiest road available, denial. I'm not proud of it. But honestly, Bella is the love of my life, regardless of the fact that I did love Jasper when I met her. It wouldn't have changed the outcome. I still would have left him and pursued her. It would have always been her."
"You," she pointed at me, "are an asshole. Grade A, special quality, asshole. How could you do that to him? Do you know how he suffered? Did you not see the pain he carried all through his body? Did you not see the shell of a person he became?" She kept gesturing towards him like he was a prize in a game show, trying to get her anger out and her point across.
"No, Alice, I didn't. Once I broke up with him, he disappeared from my life. When I finally did see him again, I knew that something was wrong, different, but he wouldn't speak to me. He changed his phone number, he dropped out of class, I got the message that he was done with me, loud and clear."
I wanted her to know I didn't just stop thinking about him, missing him, caring for him. "Jasper had been my best friend, and he disappeared. Somehow, I seem to make all the people I love do that?" I croaked on my words, instantly I thought of Bella and how now she had also disappeared. I sent up a huge prayer, I prayed that her disappearance didn't end up as both Alice and Jasper's had. They both appeared to be lost to me completely wiped from my life.
The thought crippled me, my breath unable to fill my lungs and panic rushed through my body. I grasped my chest and started to hyperventilate. I couldn'tt lose Bella, I just couldn't.
She is my life.
My wife.
She is everything to me.
I gasped, I couldn't get air. My eyes were clamped shut and memories of Bella flooded my mind, the first night we made love, the day I proposed, our wedding day...it all scrolled through my mind like a movie on a big screen. Each scene caused me to search for air to give it weight but nothing reached my lungs...I was in a full blown panic, then it all went black...her face was the last thing I remember.
I had a feeling of my hands and feet being restrained, my eyelids were heavy and my throat was dry.
Why can't I move my hands?
I tried to open my eyes and slowly the room started to come in to focus, one person in particular. "Dad?"
He turned to face me as I called him. "Edward, finally, you're awake."
Then my mom came into view, "Mom? Where's Bella? I need Bella." My mom's face fell. "She's not here sweetie, how are you feeling?" Elizabeth's worried mom voice rang to my ears. "She's not here?" I felt my brain all hazy and I was confused as to why I was in the hospital.
"Mom, why am I in the hospital?" I moved my arms tried to get them untied. "Why am I tied to the bed?"
"Son, you had a panic attack, blacked out and hit your head, they brought you in by ambulance last night."
My dad said as he put his arm around my mom and moved to my bedside. "They had to restrain you because you wouldn't quit trying to leave or fighting with the staff while they were trying to tend to you."
"And why isn't Bella here? Where is my wife?" I felt the pressure build in my chest, then it all hit me and I couldn't breathe again, the panic rose in my chest even more so than the last time.
"She left me."
I felt the tears in my eyes as my Mom moved to wipe them from my cheeks. "Bella left me, please let me loose. I have to go find her. I have to go and make it right. Please mom, please let me go." I pleaded with her. I looked between her and my dad, I hoped they would see I had to get out of his hospital room. I had to get to Bella.
"Edward, you need to calm down, they'll have to sedate you again if you start to panic again." I know that my dad's voice was trying to soothe me but it had the opposite effect. "NO, I WANT TO LEAVE. YOU CAN'T KEEP ME HERE. UNTIE ME NOW!" I yelled as loud as I could. I had to get out of here. I had to get to Bella. I needed my wife. I would be fine once I had her in my arms. "BELLA!" I screamed. "BELLA!" I screamed again, my voice hoarse and my throat rough and dry. I could feel the tears on my cheeks and the wetness as it filled my eyes. "Please, let me go...I have to be with her. I have to tell her I'm sorry. Mom, please?" I begged with my voice, my body, my eyes. "Please?" I sobbed and felt her arms around me. "Ed, we have to let him go." She cried to my dad.
"Let me get the nurse, Elizabeth." Edward, Sr. said as he left the room to go find a nurse.
"Edward, sweetheart, why did Bella leave you? Were you having a fight, honey?" My mom loved and adored Bella. This couldn't be easy for her or my dad as they considered her their daughter.
"Oh mom, I made a mistake. A huge mistake, well, I've made a lot of mistakes. I really wanted to try to fix them and I realized I needed her and then I woke up here. Mom, I have to...she's my...she's my life. Please, I have to go to her." I cried into her shoulder, as I felt her sobs, too.
"Edward? Can we come in?" I heard Jasper's southern twang as he asked to see me, with Alice in tow.
"Jasper, Alice, I have to get to Bella. Please tell them, I have to. I need her. I have to see her." I saw Jasper exchange a look with my mom. "What? What's that look? What's wrong with Bella? Does she know I'm here?" I couldn't get any answers and all of their faces looked as if I'd run over their dog.
"Tell him, Jasper." My mom whispered.
"Um, Edward, well, when I tried to call Bella last night after the ambulance brought you here, Emmett answered her phone. It seems Bella had been in accident and broke her hand," I began to scramble again in the bed so Jasper rushed forward with his explanation. "she's okay but in a lot of pain. She was knocked out on pain pills and you were being kept sedated, so I'm not sure that she even knows or is aware that you are in the hospital, yet." Jasper tried to remain calm, but I could see the worry and concern all over his face and in his eyes.
"What? And no one thought that it was more important for me to be with her? Why wasn't she brought here? I needed to be there for her, she'll be all alone and she needs me to take care of her?" I could feel the panic as it rose up again and I struggled to breath as a monitor beside me started to beep. I noticed lead wires hooked up to my chest and realized that they had me on a heart monitor.
"SOMEONE LET ME FREE?" I cried out again. This caused my mother and Alice to start to sob, heavily. Jasper reached over and untethered my right hand before doing the same to my left. "Thank you, Jasper, please?" I begged him with my eyes as my hands came to wipe the tears from my face. He moved to my feet, he released them as well. "I'll drive you, Edward, just as soon as they say you can leave. Alice and I will take you to her." His voice was full of guilt and sadness.
"Jaz, thank you," I whispered, his hand come up to hold mine as he leaned down to embrace me.
"I'm so sorry Edward. So sorry. We didn't realize what was happening and I couldn't stop you from trying to get away. I'm so sorry." He cried into my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him, for the moment his embrace would soothe me, just until I could get to Bella. There was nothing I felt for him but friendship and appreciation that he was such a good friend to me, at that moment.
"It's not your fault, Jasper, it's not. Just please, please, take me too her. Alice, please find my clothes?" I looked up to find her tiny body shook all over with the force of her tears. "Come here little one," I called to her as I started to sit up on the bed, I still felt a little whoozy. She quickly embraced me, she held me tight, "I'm sorry, too, Edward. I yelled at you and didn't notice you were about to collapse." I pulled back, and took her face in my hands, "It's okay, Alice, it's not your fault, none of this is. It's mine, all mine. Just please, I beg you please take me to my wife." I wiped her tears with my thumbs as she nodded her head.
"Edward, I'm not sure it's safe for you to leave, baby?" My Mom, always the worrier. "I'll be okay, Mom. Jasper and Alice will make sure I'm safe and once I get to Bella, I promise, I'll rest. But I have to get to her. I have to hold and make sure she's truly okay." I looked over at her to see her wipe her tears and nod at me.
"Okay baby boy. Just please, rest and take it easy. I know Bella loves you, I know you'll work it out." I wish I had the same faith that Elizabeth did. I'm not even sure that Bella would want to see me.
But she is my wife and I took a vow, through sickness and health...and my baby girl was injured. I would be by her side, however she would let me be. "How did Bella break her hand, Jasper?"
"Oh, um, well Emmett she got into a fight with the steering wheel of her car, but the steering wheel got the best of her." He tried to lighten the mood with a little laugh at his joke, Emmett's doing no doubt.
"She punched the steering wheel? Was she driving?" None of this made any sense, Bella wasn't an angry person, she never resorted to violence so I couldn't wrap my head around what Jasper had just told me.
"No, actually, she was parked at the grocery store. Emmett wasn't able to fully understand her, as she was babbling and crying but he did mention the angry chic music that blasted through the stereo when he found her." Jasper looked at me like all of that should make sense. But fuck, I was more confused than ever.
"Angry chic music? Really Jasper? As if Bella didn't have a reason to listen to anything but sad, sappy love songs?" Alice chimed in, her voice full of ire.
"Alice," Jasper whined, "not here, please?" He turned to look at her, his eyes begged her not to start on him about what he'd revealed to me. "Please?" Jasper whispered to her.
"Fine, but this discussion is so not over." She huffed, crossed her arms over her chest.
"Jaz, can you um, help me get to the bathroom, I'm a little shaky," I asked as I tried my shaky legs to stand, I immediately felt a rush going to my head. He moved an arm around my waist as I put my arm over his shoulder. My wobbly legs forced me to lean on him as I stood completely up. "Just help me to the door, I'll take it from there." I quietly told him.
I heard Alice sigh loudly beside us and I could feel the tension in the air. "I don't want to fall and hit my head again, Alice." I exclaimed. I understood why she felt the way she did but really I hoped that for the next little while she could just lay off so that I could get to Bella. I cannot even begin to fathom what my mom thought about the whole scene. I couldn't go there right now. My sole focus was to get dressed, get out of this hospital and get to Bella as quick as possible.
I shuffled the few feet to the bathroom and Jasper helped me sit on the toilet. "You sure you'll be okay? I don't mind helping you." Jasper whispered to me. "No, Jaz, I'm fine now, besides, let's not give her anymore ammunition than necessary." I calmly whispered back. He nodded his head, backed out of the small bathroom, and shut the door behind him.
I used the bathroom, pulled my jeans on, threw my t-shirt over my head and grabbed the sink for support as I stood to splash some cold water on my face. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. The reflection that looked back at me was almost not even recognizable for the second day in a row. My eyes were puffed out, I almost looked like I had been in a fight. The dark circles underneath foretold my lack of sleep. My sight drifted down to see that my right cheek had a nasty bruise, I guess from where I had fallen and there was a gash sutured up above my right eye. I looked like death warmed over.
I didn't care. I had to get to Bella, no matter what.
I carefully opened the door, already I felt a little steadier on my feet. Tiny shuffles of my feet helped me get out into the room to find the doctor and a nurse with my parents, Jasper and Alice. "Edward, so nice to see you up and around, although I'd prefer you to stay in bed a while longer. You had a pretty intense panic attack and received a rather nasty cut to the forehead." The doctor said.
"No thanks, Doc, I have to get to my wife. I'll take it easy, but I'm leaving here. My wife is hurt and needs me and I have to get to her."
He gave me a list of instructions and medications, had me sign some papers before I finally walked out of there with Jasper and Alice in tow.
I crawled into the backseat of Jasper's car and passed out as he drove me and Alice toward Portland. Towards my Bella.
A few hours later, I heard Alice as she tried to wake me. "Edward, we're in Portland, but we're not sure where to go. Wake up, show us where to go." Alice's voice was soft and friendly.
I told Jasper where to go and as we pulled up into the driveway, I felt the panic start to rise up again. I got out of the car the minute it stopped. I tried not to run but I knew that she was in the house, I could feel her pull. Rosalie opened the door, her eyes full of tears and concern. She pulled me into a hug as I walked through the door, "Don't ever scare me like that again, do you hear me?" She admonished me as I nodded into her shoulder. She pulled back to cup my face, her eyes searched mine.
"She's asleep, the pain pills have kept her pretty out of it. But she calls out for you." That's all she had to say as I made my way to our bedroom. When I opened the door, I couldn't stop the tears as I took in her little form, curled up on the bed, her hand in a huge bandage. My Bella was in pain and I wasn't here to help her.
I stripped off my shoes and jeans and pulled the covers back, I slid in behind her, wrapped my arms around her. God, I had missed her warmth, her smell, the feel of her skin on my fingertips. "I'm here baby. I'm so sorry you are hurt." I whispered in spite of the fact that she slept through it.
"Edward," she whimpered in her sleep.
"I'm here baby, rest, I'm not going anywhere."
She turned her body into me, snuggled deep against my chest, she sighed and wrapped her good hand around my waist. "You're home," she whispered into my shirt.
"I'm home," I whispered back as the tears flowed down my face, fell on the top of her head, that was tucked under my chin. We laid there wrapped around one another, as sleep took over my body as well.
I awoke sometime later, it was completely dark outside and the only light in the room was a small table lamp across the room on the dresser. It took me a minute to remember where I was, I stretched and looked down to see Bella's beautiful brown orbs peered up at me. "You came for me?" She spoke so softly I almost didn't hear her.
"Yes, baby, as fast as I could get here, I came to you." I whispered back to her.
"Do you still love me?" Her voice was so small and full of doubt.
"With all my heart and soul, forever will I love you." I softly reassured her.
"I hurt my hand." A single tear ran down her cheek.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here to protect you." My eyes never left her, as she blinked back more tears.
"You were in the hospital?" She questioned.
I nodded my head and reached up to wipe the wetness from beneath her eyes with my thumb.
"I'm so mad at you." She whispered again.
"I deserve it." I replied.
"But you came for me?" She questioned again.
"I will always come and find you, Bella. You are my life, my love, my wife." I told her, I willed her to soak up the reassurances that I spoke.
"I'm tired and my hand hurts." Bella's voice once again became small and meek.
"What do you need, baby? What can I do to help the pain?" I asked because I hoped she'd let me take care of her.
"Rosalie just brought me some more medication, but could you just hold me and sing me to sleep?"
"Of course, love, any special request?" I asked, needlessly because I knew what she'd say but I asked her anyway.
"You know what I want to hear, Edward, please just sing it for me until I fall asleep." Bella's voice shook with the unshed tears.
"Okay, love, just for you."
I started to hum the melody as Bella turned to let me spoon with her. I wrapped my arms tight around her, to keep her close to my chest. I felt her relax slightly as I started to sing...
Laying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heartbeat with mine
Softly you whisper, your so sincere
How could love be so blind?
We sailed on together
but drifted apart
and here you are by my side
I felt her breath even out and a soft snore came from her mouth but I continued to sing.
So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me, open arms
I finished the song as she sighed in her sleep, so I pulled my arm tighter around her.
I fell asleep. My brain hoped that she knew that I meant every word that I sang to her. My arms were open and I hoped that she let me keep them around her, for the rest of our lives.
Chapter 14
I woke up this morning with Edward's arms wrapped around me. Which is usually my favorite way to wake up but today all I could think was...what the fuck is he doing here? I searched my foggy mind as it all came crashing back to me. The hospital bracelet on his wrist helped confirm what I remembered in the haze of my thoughts.
But why was he in the hospital? I don't remember if Rosalie told me that part. I tilted my head up to see his beautiful face, his cheek, black and purple and he had a large bandage over his eyebrow. Did he get into a fight? Edward isn't prone to violence, but at this point, I questioned everything I knew about him. So what do I really know?
I tried to get out of his grip but his hands just held me tighter to him. I needed out of his embrace, I needed to breath in my own space. I needed my own air that was not tainted by the smell of Edward. As much as my body craved it, I wasn't ready to just go back to being his loving wife, yet.
I finally got free from his hold and scooted across the bed, my hand started to radiate pain and I knew that soon I'd need another pain pill. But I wanted to keep a clear head about me so that I could at least somewhat deal with Edward this morning. I could manage the pain for a while longer without taking another pill.
I pulled myself over to the side of the bed, set my feet on the floor, I needed to go to the bathroom. I finally made my way off the bed and into the bathroom. I never realized how hard it was to do something one handed. But I finally made my way off the bed and into the bathroom. It was a struggle to just go pee, but I managed through my grunts and groans. I washed my hand and opened the door to find that Edward sat on the side of the bed, the pained mask upon his face showed his hurt. "Are you okay?" his voice was hoarse and scratchy. "I'm fine," I said, making my way across the room to sit at the foot of the mattress.
"I was so worried about you." His words floated through the air with a heaviness that caused my throat to develop a lump.
It was a true fight to keep back the tears that wanted to fall, I replied, "You should have been here with me."
His head fell into his hands as his elbows rested on his knees, "I know that I've fucked up, Bella, and I just..." his head came up as one of his hands went to rub across his chest. "The thought of losing you forever, it's too much...it's just..." He fell to his knees and crawled until he sat on the floor in front of me. "When I thought of the fact that you had left and disappeared just like the others in my life before you, I felt like my heart was going to explode." His breathes expelled quickly from his body and he sucked in hard for a breath as he tried to regain his composure.
The rapid change in him scared the hello out of me and while I wanted the answers that only he could provide it was not worth upsetting him in this manner. So I changed the subject. "Edward, what happened? Why were you in the hospital?" I asked as I laid a hand on his shoulder, his skin felt clammy and cold.
He raised his head as he brought his eyes, wet with tears and full of sorrow, to meet mine. "I had a panic attack, passed out and hit my head. They took me by ambulance to the hospital." I wanted to gasp at his admission but some small part of me knew that I had to hold it all in, I had to let him finish his part of the story.
"Apparently, I was in and out of consciousness and wouldn't stop trying to leave, so they sedated me and tied me to the bed."
Pain gripped my heart at the thought of him in such a state of anxiety. The pain increased when I thought of him scared, panicked, alone and tied to a bed, and I wasn't there to soothe him.
"How did you get here?" I whispered, his eyes never left mine.
"Jasper and Alice brought me, I was at the diner with them when it happened." Edward's face once again got that look of pain and I instantly stiffened at what he'd just revealed to me.
"So let me get this straight, instead of coming to me, your wife, so that we could repair the problems in our relationship, you were off at the diner with your ex-lover and your ex-best friend?" I snapped at him as the anger started to build within me again.
I instantly pulled away from him, I moved to stand up and resume my pacing, that seemed to have become a new routine for me. He sat there, almost stunned at the way I spoke to him.
"You know, Edward, I'm not sure I even want to know what was going on, but, if it was so much more important than coming to find me, I need to hear it. So, tell me, why were you at the diner?" I stopped my pacing, held my hand up to my chest, as it now throbbed with pain.
Edward stood and then sat on the edge of the bed, taking a few deep breaths before he spoke, "I had already spoken with Jasper, earlier in the evening. We talked about a lot of things, resolved our issues, I think. He wanted me to be the one to tell Alice about what we had, or at the very least, we both thought that we should tell her together." He sat there, unable to look up at me, his eyes closed, chin down on his chest.
"I also apologized to Alice for the fight we'd had in High school. I tried to repair some of the damage that I've caused her so many years ago with my stupidity." He looked up at me, a sad hollowness to his eyes. "I wanted to come to find you but Rosalie said that I should fix things between Jasper and Alice first. She said it would help things fall into place if I worked things out with them, first."
He stared at me for a few seconds, I could see the defeat written on his face. He clearly was torn at this decision and against his best judgment he listened to Rosalie. Now I was torn about his forgiveness. He obviously wanted to come to me first but Rosalie appeared to know more in this situation so he listened to her. Could I really hold that against him? His eyes dropped back down to the floor as his weak, small voice whispered. "I should have followed my own instincts and came to you first."
"Yes, you should have." I said through my teeth. "No matter what anyone else told you, if I were the most important thing to you, I should have been first." I fought, but lost, in holding back my tears.
"Do you know how hurt I am, Edward? Do you have any idea the thoughts that have plagued my mind for the past three days? It's like I don't even know who you are anymore." I yelled at him while I placed my hand on the small table beside me to keep me steady.
There was a knock on the door as Rosalie's voice came through the air, "Bella, I have your medicine." I closed my eyes, swiped the tears off my cheek. "Come in Rose." I called to her.
"Is everything alright in here?" Rose asked as her eyes darted between the two of us. "We're just fine, Rosalie." I harshly replied. I was a little miffed at her after what Edward had told me.
"Bella, I have your pain pills, if you are ready to take one. I'm almost done with breakfast, as well, if you'd both care to join us, it'll be ready in about fifteen minutes." She handed me two pills and a glass of water before she turned to look at Edward.
She sighed, patted him on the shoulder then closed the door behind her as she left the room.
"Edward, we have a lot to discuss, and I'm not sure that I want to do that with a house full of people. Who all is down there?" I demanded, trying to find my robe so we could go downstairs to eat.
"Rose, Emmett for sure and probably Alice and Jasper, as they drove me here yesterday." He replied, while he slipped into his jeans and shirt.
"I'm so not ready to have any conversations with them right now. It won't be a pleasant one, if I'm forced to do it now." I couldn't stop the harshness in my voice. "And why the fuck does Alice have any business being here at all? She's barely a friend to me and hasn't spoken to you in years." I questioned him.
"Bella." He stopped and stared at me like he was trying to come up with the words to dispel my anger. "I'm trying to make things right with her. She and Jasper are together now, I was just trying to do the right thing. For once."
"So when you fell in love with me and married me, it wasn't the right thing for you to do?" He looked at me with wide eyes and adamantly started to shake his head.
"No, no, no Bella, that isn't what I was saying AT ALL." He raised his voice trying to get me to understand him.
"Then what the fuck, Edward. I'm just supposed to sit back and take a second seat while you take care of everyone else? You just expect me to sit back and wait for you to come to me when and if you get around to it?" Anger was seething inside me and I couldn't hold it back, at this point, if I tried.
I tried several times to pull the tie to my robe around me to tighten it, but I was down to one hand and it wouldn't work. He quickly crossed the room to try and help me but when he reached for my hand, I jumped back, "Do not touch me," I screamed at him.
He froze, his eyes glued to mine, pain showed all over his body. "I can't handle you touching me right now." My body warred against me on the inside. My heart screamed to fall into him, the safety and comfort of his arms while my head screamed for me to turn and run and never let him hurt me again.
"Bella." His voice was barely above a whisper. "Please just let me help you," he pleaded as a single tear ran down his cheek.
I dropped the tie from my hand, pulled the collar of my robe tight around me, "Fine, just tie it for me so I can go eat." I relented, my body completely stiff as he reached around me to gather both sides of the belt, to bring them together and tied them in front.
"I need to go to the bathroom, do you want to wait for me?" He asked softly.
"No, just join us when you are done." I said, as I made my way to the door while he stood and watched me leave, once again.
I closed the door behind me, leaned back onto it, so as to try to calm myself down before I had to face a whole room of our friends and family. I dried my face of any remaining tears, took a deep breath and started down the stairs to the kitchen. As I reached the bottom stairs I could hear all of their voices as they talked about everything that had happened with both Edward's and mine medical situations over the past forty-eight hours.
"Dude, you were blowing up Edward's phone," I heard Jasper exclaim. What was he talking about?
"What do you mean 'blowing up Edward's phone'?" My voice bellowed into the room which caused everyone to turn and stare at me.
"I was trying to call Edward when I got you to the emergency room, Bella." Emmett said as he walked around the bar to help me into a chair. "It kept going to voicemail, so I called again and again. I hoped he'd eventually answer his phone." He pushed my chair up under the side of the bar and half hugged me before walking back around to Rosalie's side in the kitchen.
"I couldn't answer it as we were trying to get Edward calmed down and into the ambulance." Jasper chimed in. "It seemed that the two of you choose almost the exact same time to have meltdowns," his voice came across in almost a joking manner.
I just stared a hole into the side of his head as he wouldn't look at me. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jasper? Meltdowns? Really, after everything that's happened, you think this is a joking matter?"
"I wasn't joking about it, Bella," Jasper whispered in my direction.
"Sure could have fooled me." I angrily replied.
"Bella, I really did have a meltdown." Edward's smooth voice came from behind me.
"Regardless, Edward, they have no right to make a joke of either situation we were in." I watched as Edward walked around to stand at the end of the bar next to my chair.
"Enough, all of you." Rosalie said as she slammed her hands on the counter top. "Let's eat breakfast in peace then we can all sit down and discuss what happened, okay?" Emmett moved to stand behind her, resting his hands on her hips. "Calm down, baby." He said into her ear but loud enough for us all to hear.
"I need to take my meds. Alice, do you know where they are?" Edward asked as I noticed Alice sat in the corner chair at the other end of the bar. "Yes, I have them." She said before she got up and walked out of the kitchen, I guess to go get them.
"I think I'll just take my food in the room, I'm tired and need to go lie down." I said, suddenly feeling overwhelmed and overcome with emotions. I didn't want to let them see me have a 'meltdown' and the need to run completely consumed me.
"Okay, Bella, I'll fix you a plate and bring it up to you." Rosalie said calmly.
"Can I bring it to you, Bella?" Edward's voice was small and meek as I brought my eyes to rest upon him.
"I think that might be for the best, as you are still my husband, aren't you?" I didn't mean it to sound harsh, but that's how it came out.
"Yes, I am." He nodded and accepted my anger.
I turned to head up the stairs as Alice came down the hall, she stopped beside me, laying her hand on my arm, "Can we talk later, Bella? Just you and I?" I shrugged her arm off, turned slightly to see her face, her eyes pleaded with me to give her a chance.
"I'll let you know if I feel up for it, okay?" It was the only response I had. I just wasn't sure how much more I could manage to handle right now, she was low on my priority list.
I made my way to my room, grabbed the two pain pills that Rose had brought me earlier and swallowed them with the glass of water. I pulled the tie off the robe, dropped it to the floor and crawled into the bed, I curled up around the pillow and let the tears fall freely.
What the fuck has happened to my life? How will anything ever be alright again?
My thoughts consumed me as the tears soaked my pillow. A short time later, after my eyes had wept all they could for the moment, I heard a small tentative knock on the door, followed by Edward's voice, "It's just me. I have your food." He pushed the door open a crack as I nodded for him to come in.
He quickly walked around and set the tray on a side table before sitting on the side of the bed. He pushed my hair out of my face, of course he noticed the wetness on my face and pillow. "Oh Bella, baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make this all go away and for you to never have been hurt." His own tears silently fell from his eyes.
"Edward, I'm not sure if this is fixable." I fought the sob that bubbled up in my chest as he dropped his head to his chest, letting his own sob escape his mouth.
"Bella, don't...please...don't say that." His voice was broken and filled with anxiety as he sobbed out the words.
He moved to lie beside me, our eyes filled with tears as we let the sadness fill the space between us. "I can't lose you, Bella...you are...my...life...my everything." He choked out, his hand drifted up to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
"I love you, Bella. I've never stopped loving you. I will love you until the last breath I take." Edward's voice was so thick with emotion it strangled me as a fresh round of tears spilled forth from my eyes.
"I love you too, Edward. But sometimes, love isn't enough." I whispered through my own hoarse throat.
"No, baby, please, please don't say that. Our love is enough. I love you, only you, I'll spend the rest of my life showing you the love that I carry for you and you alone." The depths of his plea only caused my heart to hurt with a deeper ache.
He moved to put his arms around me before I stopped him, "No, Edward. Please don't. I'm not ready to just give in and let you make it all better. For to long, I've just let you fold me into your arms and make things the way you wanted them to be. I can't do that anymore."
He pulled back, "What are you talking about, Bella?" He was honestly perplexed by what I'd just said.
"Edward, you always make all the decisions. You always convince me of what is the 'right thing to do' for us as a couple or hell, even for me as my own person. I can't allow you to do that anymore." I pulled further back, trying to pull myself up to sit against the headboard. I was once again handicapped by the use of only one hand.
I winced in pain, as his voice demanded, "Let me help you." I snapped my head to his, brown eyes meeting dark green ones, "No, thanks." I forced my voice to reply, as I managed to pull myself half way up and pushed the pillow behind me to prop myself up on.
"Fuck, Bella, how are we ever going to get past any of this if you won't let me help in anyway?" Edward's eyes narrowed at me and his mouth settled into a hard line.
"Maybe I don't need your help with everything, and maybe you need to learn to loosen the control you have by allowing me to be an equal partner in our relationship."
Fuck it felt really good to get those words out.
He sat up quick, his back stiff and his shoulders squared, he was in complete defense mode. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I've never just made decisions for us without discussing them with you first."
"Yes, you have, Edward. When I didn't want to get my Master's you did everything within your power to convince me it was the right thing to do. I was burned out, sick of school and ready to just start working at the library. You spent three weeks laying the ground work of how I wouldn't be fulfilled working at the library and how I needed to finish school so that I could teach at the college level." The words tumbled out while I held back my need to breathe.
He started to speak but I held up my one good hand, so I could continue. "I tried to explain to you that I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to teach and you kept going on and on about how it would be better for me to teach so that when we had children I would have summers and holidays off so the family could spend those times together." His eyes furiously darted back and forth between mine, as he internally questioned everything I had just said. His face looked like he had replayed the old conversations we'd had time and time again during those months before I gave in and registered for the Master's program.
"Bella, you've always talked about how much you wanted to teach, I just didn't want to see you give up on your dream or take the easy way out. It was like you got offered the job at the library and you wanted to just settle for it and not pursue your dream." His voice held honesty and sincerity but it still felt controlling to me.
"Yes, I talked about wanting to teach. But I hadn't exactly settled on what I wanted to do. I also want to write, but you never even brought that up."
He just looked at me, complete confusion on his face. "Bella, you briefly talked about wanting to write but never like, seriously talked about it. If that's what you want to do then...fuck, just write. Baby, why are we fighting about this? I'll support you in whatever you want to do, you know that right?"
Edward's shoulders shrugged as his eyes pierced through me, like I was supposed to concede that he supported me. "I don't know that you always do, Edward." I adamantly replied.
He stared at me, "You can't mean that Bella. You can't honestly think or feel that I don't support you. Christ, Isabella, you are my whole fucking life. I would move across the world if it meant doing something to make you happy. I would do whatever it takes to make you see that you are the most important person in my life." His breath was choppy and his fists were balled where he held the sheets.
The tears fell from his eyes. I wanted to care, but the hurt that soared through my heart as I watched him feel the same agony and pain that I experienced was too powerful at this moment in time. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I could feel the drugs as they worked through my system and I was beyond tired.
Mentally exhausted.
Emotionally depleted.
Physically broken.
"I need to sleep Edward, my pain medicine has kicked in." I said, while I closed my eyes and wished that when I woke up out of this whole nightmare would be over and done with.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" His voice sounded a little broken and full of question.
I laid my head back on the pillow and scooted down on the bed a little to get comfortable. I sighed, opened my eyes and watched him as he sat there waiting for my answer. "If you want to but don't you have business to finish downstairs?"
Edward shook his head, before he told me, "My place is here with you, taking care of you. If you'll let me stay here, I'd like to take care of you. Please?"
"Fine." I was too tired to argue any more. I rolled onto my side, laid my broken hand on a propped up pillow, and got comfortable.
"I love you, Bella." He whispered, I just nodded my head and let sleep take over.
JPOV
After Edward and Bella retreated upstairs I knew that Alice and I needed to talk. I'd avoided any deep conversations with her since we left the diner. I couldn't put it off anymore.
"Come on, Alice, let's go for a walk." I said, as I held my hand out for her to join me. She nodded her head at me and slid her hand into mine, as our fingers intertwined.
We walked out the back door, as I saw a path that led through the small patch of trees at the end of the yard. I led her to the trees before she finally broke the silence, "You were in love with Edward?"
"Yes, I was." I replied, I instinctively clutched her hand a little tighter.
"But you aren't now?" Her voice got a little stronger as she spoke.
"No, I'm not." I stopped, pulled her to me, and lifted her chin so that I could look her in the eyes. "I am in love with you, Alice. Only you." I searched her eyes for understanding, but they were clouded with doubt and worry. She pulled back from me, putting space between us.
"I don't understand Jasper. I didn't even know that you were bi-sexual." Her voice was full of curiosity.
"Yes, I was. But I'm content now to spend the rest of my life loving you and only you." I wrapped my arm around her waist and turned us to walk over to sit on a broken log so that we could talk face to face, she needed to see the conviction in my expressions as we discussed this.
"Alice, I've always searched for a connection. That drive inside of me led me to meet a few wonderful people, but it wasn't until I met Edward that I understood what love felt like. Or so I thought." I paused, ran my hand through my hair. My next thought was to ease her mind so I pulled her tiny hand to my lips and placed a soft kiss to her knuckles. She immediately pulled her hand from mine. Again, she put physical distance between us, so I continued to explain. I hoped that when I was done, when it was finally all out in the open she would understand and bridge that gap that she had made between us.
"I thought that he felt the same. He never said the words but his actions told what I thought was the truth. I think, as I look back on it now, that I was in love with the idea of love. I'd never had such a strong pull to anyone until I'd met Edward. But, having my heart ripped out, it changed what I thought love was." I stood up and started to pace a little. I kicked leaves and pine cones around on the ground. "We were both in a place where we wanted to explore something new, something that was certainly a strong pull between us but it was not love. It was a deep connection that we made into something more because of our youth and ignorance. My youth and ignorance. Edward was honest with me from the start, I was stupid enough to think I could change him. I was wrong."
"How do you know that you really love me, Jasper?" Alice's voice was small and timid.
I stopped my pace and turned to her, "I know because the thought of never seeing you again takes the breath from my lungs and makes my heart stop beating." I knelt down in front of her, took both of her hands in mine, "Mary Alice, I am in love with you. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am meant to be with you."
Her eyes were filled with tears as she looked at me before opening her mouth, "Jasper, I want to believe you, but this is all just...I don't understand." She let go of my hands to wipe her tears from her cheeks.
"I don't want to get hurt again, Jasper. I'm too invested in you and this...well, this is just too much." She stopped for a minute to gather her thoughts. "To think that we were both in love with Edward, both of us grieving over the same thing when he started to date Bella. For you to know the truth and never tell me. I just don't know how I can ever trust you again." Her sentences were tumbling out all jumbled and incomplete but I understood her thoughts. I played them all out in my mind and prayed that she wouldn't say the exact words that she seems to be about to say right now. She paused and took a deep breath, she pulled back from me a little further. I stood and moved back to my seat on the log. A prayer in my heart for her to forgive me as I sat down to face her so she could have her say, I at least owed her that much.
"What can I do, Alice? What can I do to earn your trust back?" I pleaded with her.
"Tell me Jasper, everything. I feel like I was left out of so much." Alice looked at me and there was a hunger in her eyes.
"Everything," I said as I blew out a long breath. It was a question and a statement all at once. I was asking her if this is what she really wanted and telling her the same time that I would do whatever she needed to understand.
"How long exactly were you and Edward together?" She asked.
"Oh, um, eighteen days." I quietly responded. She turned to look at me with a perplexed look on her face.
"That's it!" She quizzed. "I was his best friend for my sixteen years." She threw her hands in the air in exasperation.
"Alice, we danced around each other for a few months before we finally met and connected. It was intense and fast." I said, unable to look at her as I recalled those first few days of being with Edward.
"So tell me what happened? How are you now 'over him' and why are he and Bella are fighting?" She asked, an angry tone seeped out through in her voice.
I took a long, deep breath, it was time to tell her the truth. "The first night that you, Rosalie and Bella showed up at Edward's apartment, he had reassured me that nothing would change between us. However, once I saw the way that he and Bella looked at each other, I knew it was only a matter of time before he chose her over me." I stood up, resumed my pacing and attempted to tell her the rest of the story.
"He promised me another weekend, but proceeded to break up with me less than twenty-four hours later. I had just wanted that last weekend if for nothing else, to tell him goodbye in my own way."
I stopped pacing, turned to face her when I noticed her arms were crossed against her chest and her leg bounced wildly.
"I watched him and Bella for months," I said with shame in my voice, unable to look in Alice's direction. "I approached them one night at the club, made a proposition that I thought would help fix what I'd felt was left unsaid for me. I asked for a weekend with Edward." I stopped when heard her gasp and finally brought my head up to look at her.
"You did what?" Alice screeched.
"I asked for a weekend of sex with Edward. I felt that if I could have him again, let my body say goodbye to him that way that it would help me get over him for good." My whole body was shook with nerves now.
I could see the fury that rolled off of Alice and I knew this would not bode well with her for me. "Was this before or after I'd told you how I felt." Alice demanded.
"After." I sighed. "But, I'd been thinking about it for a long time before that." I said in my own defense.
"So you knew that I was in love with you and you went to your former lover and his wife and asked for a weekend of sex? Is that right?" She stood, crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot, as she waited for my to reply.
"Yes." I barely heard myself speak.
"Jasper, it's like I don't even know you. You knew how much I suffered over not being with you, you knew how much I was hurt that you didn't return my love and that whole time you were off trying to get Edward into bed?" Her voice was full of anger and resentment.
"It's not exactly like that Alice. I was in love with you, but Edward still had such a grip on my heart, it was the only thing I could think of to get over him. I never wanted to hurt you and I knew that I already had by not being free to love you the way that you deserve." I confessed, my own tears formed in my eyes.
"Did Bella know? Did she go along with this plan?" Alice all but seethed when she spoke.
"Yes. She knew. I wouldn't have asked without her involvement. She didn't want to at first but then she changed her mind." Alice started to stomp around, her tiny hands balled into fists. Then she screamed, "FUCK!"
"All of you were in on this and there's stupid me, sitting at home, crying my eyes out waiting for you to come to me, love me and be with me. All the while you were off with them, getting your rocks off. Well, fuck you Jasper. I don't deserve this. And now, now I'm in the big fucking middle of it. How the fuck could you do this to me?" She fell to her knees and the sobs took over.
I wanted to go to her, wrap her in my arms, but I felt like she would push me away if I did. I couldn't stop my own tears as I fell to my knees beside her. "I love you, Alice. Only you. I accomplished what I set out to do, I'm over Edward." I whispered through my tears.
"Why, Jasper? Why couldn't you have just told me about this before you invited him into your bed?" She cried. I moved to kneel in front her, slowly I raised my hand to wipe her tears but she batted my hand away.
"I couldn't tell you without outting Edward. I didn't feel right telling you without him. It just wasn't my story it was his as well and I thought he should have some say in how everything played out. Then everything just got so fucked up and went out of control. Nothing happened like I had planned it, like Edward or Bella had even planned for it to go. Now, you don't trust me and Bella and Edward are fighting. It's all a big mess." I rocked back onto my ankles, the humungous weight of guilt settled on my shoulders.
"What happened, Jasper? Tell me." She said as she put her hand across my chest where my heart was contained.
I sat down on my ass, pulled her close to me and spilled my guts. I told her everything that happened that weekend. I relayed every emotion that I experienced, every thought I had of her while going through the motions with Edward and Bella.
We both cried, held each other and just let the silence consume us once I was done talking.
Alice scooted back from my body, "I don't know where we go from here Jasper. I love you so much, but I'm so hurt by all of this. I don't know if I can trust you anymore."
"Will you at least let me try to earn your trust back? Please, don't leave me." I begged, my eyes searched hers for a glimmer of hope.
"It won't be easy, Jasper. I can't allow myself to get hurt like this again, no matter how much I love you." Alice closed her eyes tight, shook her head, opened her eyes and stood up. "But we can start small and work from there."
Hope. She gave me hope. That's what I needed to find a way to make her see how much she meant to me while I earned back her faith in me, again.
EPOV
I watched Bella sleep. I'm overwhelmed with fear that I might have lost her. I can't lose her. I will fight to keep her. I'll change, I'll do whatever I have to do to make her see what she means to me.
She's uneasy in her sleep. She whimpers. She mumbles and she turns to curl into my body, involuntarily.
I relish the warmth of her body, for the small moments that I'll get to have her this close without the anger inside her pushing me away.
After the talk we'd had earlier, I realize that there were problems between us that I hadn't recognized. Bella thinks that I control the relationship and that I make all the decisions for us. I think about of our lives over the past few years. I know that I have control issues, but I've always felt that Bella and I made the decisions together.
There's a light knock on the door and I tell whoever it is to come in. Alice pokes her head in the door, "Is she still sleeping?" She comes in and shuts the door behind her as I nod to Bella as she rests.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Alice whispered. I nod and she sat on the edge of the bed next to me. "Edward, I have to ask you something and I need an honest answer, okay?" Her big blue eyes were full of tears that waited to spill over. "Sure, Alice." I answered.
"Are you in love with Jasper?" She barely spoke before she wiped a tear from her cheek.
"No, Alice. I'm not. What we had between us was over a long time ago. I love my wife." I replied, while I tightened my grip on Bella's body.
"Okay, Edward. I just had to ask for myself. I'll go and let you guys rest." She patted my arm and stood to leave before I grabbed her wrist. "Are you alright, Alice?" She shook her head and turned to leave.
She stopped at the door and looked back at us, "I miss you, Edward." Her voice barely a whisper.
"I miss you too, Alice." My voice cracked as I fought not to cry. She closed the door and left quietly.
"Edward, I really want some apple juice and an oatmeal crème pie." Bella's sleepy voice said breaking me out of my reverie. I couldn't help but chuckle at her request.
"Is that all, baby?" I teased as she started to stretch.
"Yep, that's all." She hummed, cracked her eyes open and smiled at me. "It'll be good for you and Alice to reconnect again."
"Oh, um, yeah, I think so, too." I hastily replied being a little thrown by her observation. "I have missed her as my friend."
"Edward, is everyone still here?" Bella started to sit up but struggled with only one hand.
"Let me help you, please?" I asked her. She gave a small nod, closed her eyes with a wince and allowed me to help her up.
"Thank you."
"You are most welcome, love." I said soothingly.
"Can you give me a few minutes alone? I'd like to get dressed and talk to everyone downstairs, if you'd let them know." She asked as she scooted to the edge of the mattress, she set her feet on the floor.
"Do you need me to help you dress before I go downstairs?" I asked not wanting to leave her to the daunting task, alone.
"No, I'll manage somehow, Edward. I'll be down in a few minutes." She said as she shuffled herself to the bathroom.
"Okay, Bella." I waited until the bathroom door closed before I left the room and headed down the stairs.
I saw Emmett and Rosalie curled up on one couch, as they watched a movie. Alice sat on the love seat, she read a magazine while Jasper was nowhere to be found. "Hey guys, Bella's up and she'd like to talk to all of us. Where's Jasper?" I asked as they all turned to look at me.
"Oh, he's outside, I think." Alice said. "I'll go get him." She said as she stood and walked towards the back door.
"Is she alright, Edward?" Rosalie asked, concern in her voice.
"She's trying to get dressed. She wouldn't let me help her." I gestured back up the stairs at where I left Bella. Rose nodded. "But it's probably a good idea for her to take some aspirin, as she was wincing in pain when she woke up." I conveyed to her.
"I'll get some and go see if she needs help." Rosalie said as she moved out of Emmett's embrace and got up off the couch. "Thank you, Ro." I answered.
"No problem, Edward." She left the room briefly before she flittered back through and up the stairs to Bella.
I sat down on the love seat and let out a sigh as I put my head in my hands, my elbows rested on my knees.
"Don't give up hope, Edward. She loves you. You just have to figure out how to make it right again." Emmett spoke to me with kindness.
"I hope I can Em, I truly hope I can make it right again." I said as the enormity of what lay ahead crushed my chest.
"I have faith in you Edward. You love that girl with the same passion that I love my Rosie. You'll figure it out, just like Jasper will." Emmett said as I looked at him, I saw a good friend that smiled back at me.
I heard the back door open and Alice and Jasper walked in, hand in hand. That was a good sign. I wanted them to be happy, and if it was together, all the better.
I heard Rosalie and Bella make their way down the stairs, behind me. So I stood and turned to them, "Everything okay?" I asked, as Rosalie gave a tiny shake of her head and Bella had a grimace on her face.
"No, Edward, everything sure as hell is okay." Bella walked around and stood beside me as Rosalie sat down next to Emmett.
Jasper and Alice sat on the love seat next to where I was stood. "Sit down, all three of you, we have a lot to discuss and I want to be able to look at all of you at once." Bella demanded as I sat next to Alice.
"I have a lot to say to all three of you and you may not like it, but I don't give a fuck. You will answer my questions because I deserve the truth." Bella said confidently and full of fire.
"Now, who the fuck wants to start?" Bella asked as the three of us just looked at one another, eyes full of fear.
